To wonder if dh and I are too dependent on one another

[rubberglove]

My dh and I met when we were teenagers, married young and now have two beautiful children. We are best friends and soul mates and rarely do anything apart.

He works, but socially we are both a bit introverted. Apart from the odd meet up with friends together, we mostly do our own thing.

What prompted me to think was another thread about being lonely. I have never really considered myself as such but I have few friends and when dh goes back to work after a holiday I cry because I miss him so much. He phones me from work, sometimes twice a day.

I just wonder if other couples are like this? Or actually, that I am lonely and rely on dh too much. I do have my own interests but they are lonely types of hobby e.g. writing

Dh has loved and supported me always, and through terrible pnd after my firstborn. I wonder though if he should have more of a life outside me too.

"I cry because I miss him so much"

Yes, you are too dependent if this is your reaction. It really isn't normal to do this. I think, if you recognise there's a problem (and there is) you have to make more of a life for yourself, independent of him. New friends, interests, learn a skill, get a job perhaps. What he chooses to do is his own decision.

If you're happy, fine - BUT crying because he goes back to work after a holiday is not normal. Maybe as suggested above, do something independently.

I thought it was just being in love! Well my dc are getting a bit easier now, so I will look into some classes

If you are at the stage where you are crying, then that's not great, but apart from that, my dh and I are simelar to you and yours in the amount of time we spend together.

I don't think there is any 'should' about it. If you are both happy then it's not a problem.

Well each to his own and all that but yes, you do sound very dependent on him. I love my DH dearly but am a very independent person and I think to be too dependent on someone is not very healthy.

However, if it works for you both and you are both truely happy with how things are then no problem....if it aint broke dont fix it.

Sorry, but this doesn't sound healthy to me. You sound very dependent and needy.
If the children are old enough, how about looking to do a course, find a job, or volunteering, anything really to develop yourself?

rubberglove - me and DW are exactly the same as you describe - except the crying part.

Me and DW also work together all day so it is good for both of us to spend some time outside the home doing something independent of each other.

As others say, you need to develop an outside interest. It will strengthen the good relationship you already have.

One other nagging thought though. Apart from PND, have you any history of depression?

There's nothing wrong with enjoying each other's company, and not everyone has (or wants) a big circle of friends and social events every night.

But actually crying because he has to go out to work for the day sounds a bit odd (assuming he's not working away for months at a time in the military or something?). Do you not like getting some time to yourself?

I think it honestly depends on why you are crying. I work FT quite long hours and often at the end of a holiday or something I cry and feel quite emotional. Not because I hate my job - I don't - or because I think the DC are upset, because usually they aren't. It's just that if you've had a very happy, precious time together, when it ends - as it has to however you arrange your life -you feel a pang and nostalgia for the lovely time you've had. I think that is different from crying because your DH has gone and you don;t know what to do or how to be happy without him.

I think the crying bit sounds worrying too, with the two phone calls a day. Is it the case that you want to develop new friendships or would you prefer not to? You can develop social networks even for hobbies like writing - would you consider a creative writing course? Or there are plenty of online resources/forums where you can get feedback. Your writing would probably develop more that way too.

I am also quite introverted and I do almost all of my socialising with DH or my family, but when I'm not with them I'm happy to be alone too, or do activities where I don't really know anyone else. And personally I am often quite pleased when DH goes back to work as I'm relieved to have my 'alone time' back. I think it's never healthy to be so dependent on someone else, as even if they are happy to support you, things may happen which may prevent them from doing so and you need to be able to cope on your own if that should happen.

No other history of depression no. I can have low days but they don't last longer than a day. I am content and look forward to things.

I have written a children's novel, whilst I have been at home. So I do develop myself but I suppose this hasn't involved meeting others.

The crying is more of a little weep because I do miss him being here after a holiday. But not all day sobbing because I can't carry on! I have two young kids to look after!

But I think you are right, I need to get out there more

I think the crying and so on is probably a bit of a prompt to you to do as you and get out there more. But it's nice that you are close and some people are much closer than others!

Is there a local writers' group you could join?

Not everyone has to be an extrovert, I do think extrovertism (?) is overly valued. You can be and introvert and have lots of confidence and you can be still be confident and be extroverted and be an inner quivering wreck.

It's lovely that you have such a deep bond but the crying bit made me go 'hmmmm', in fact I re-read as I thought he must work on an oil rig or something.

I think an outside interest would be a good idea, nothing wrong with having something that's just for you.

I think a writers group would be a great idea.

I suppose I am asking myself the question, am I just a bit of a loner, or am I too dependent on dh?

He is much the same tbh, well he has certainly never expressed unhappiness with our marriage.

You're clearly not unhappy in your marriage but I do think it's important not to blend in with someone else so completely. Having your own separate interests won't dilute your bond.

And I hate to be morbid but one day one of you will die, when this happens it will be really important that you have people and interests around you. I have seen people succumb to grief, these people are usually those who are very co-dependant.

I dont think its strange talking two times a day.Me and dh send each other loads of texts all day and often speak on phone at breaks.

However I dont think its good to cry about it.

Your DH has his time away when he is at work.

Would you like to have more friends? What were you like when you were younger? Did you go out more/do more?

The concern I have relates I suppose to the fact that you never know what the future holds. I do a job which has shown me that time and again.

Tap dancing! Might take that up

Carnivorous, I went out lots, I was loud and I tried to be everyone's friend.

But it wasn't me, not really.

When I started reading your post, I honestly wondered if DH was posting on my behalf.

If you are generally an emotional person, and it's a little tear you can pick yourself up from, then maybe it's not too worrying.

It wouldn't do you any harm to meet some new people though, if you can, and have you had, or tried to have your book published?

Not sure my book is publishable, more of a hobby.

I think if the tears when hubby goes back to work are just holiday blues after havin a fab time together then I understand that completely, when I was happily married I cried when the hols were over and we were back to work in the rain! As long as your dc get out and about and have a good circle of friends I wouldn't worry too much op, I know several couples who are practically joined at the hip and they are very happy!

Rubber I know exactly what you mean,I was like that too. Parties are really my idea of hell, but I used to go to them, plastering a fake smile on.

Nowadays, I do what I'm comfortable with and that means meeting up with friends alone or in small groups.I also did a few courses and evening classes, I found them an effort, but I did meet people. My DS has a demanding job with long hours, so he's not at home much.

I think that in general it's probably a good idea to have at least a small circle of friends and not be too dependent on one person even if it is your lovely dh.

I can understand the crying thing, I think if it was full on sobbing and not being able to cope with your day then it would be a worry but not just getting a bit choked up. I do this after holidays after Christmas hols or if we've been away on a fab holiday, I've done it since I was at school I am a very emotional person and it's more of a 'oh why does this lovely time have to come to an end'.

Maybe we're reading too much into the tears, as long as you're not crying every day maybe it's just one of those things, we all cry for slightly daft reasons occasionally :)

Why not look into publishing your book though? You never know unless you try sending it out. Maybe try a writer's workshop/group (online or real life) first who can give you some critical feedback?