To wonder if dh and I are too dependent on one another

[rubberglove]

My dh and I met when we were teenagers, married young and now have two beautiful children. We are best friends and soul mates and rarely do anything apart.

He works, but socially we are both a bit introverted. Apart from the odd meet up with friends together, we mostly do our own thing.

What prompted me to think was another thread about being lonely. I have never really considered myself as such but I have few friends and when dh goes back to work after a holiday I cry because I miss him so much. He phones me from work, sometimes twice a day.

I just wonder if other couples are like this? Or actually, that I am lonely and rely on dh too much. I do have my own interests but they are lonely types of hobby e.g. writing

Dh has loved and supported me always, and through terrible pnd after my firstborn. I wonder though if he should have more of a life outside me too.

There is no rule that says everyone has to be extrovert. And actually, the ability to be quite self contained and not needing lots of social interaction constantly is often a useful quality.

However, you sound very dependent on your dh; the crying is quite an extreme thing. I love my dh dearly and we revel in each others company but I would feel there was something wrong if I as actually in tears over the end of a holiday and return to work

DH and I were also sweethearts and we work together too. So we are usually together. But I think you maybe know you're over dependent on him if you have to ask IYSWIM?

This thread has been good for me, thanks.

I think whilst I am never going to be the life and soul of the party, I am deep down, craving getting out there again.

I have been a sahm for six years! I think this is maybe less about dh and facing a crossroads. I won't be having anymore kids and my youngest starts pre-school this week. What to do with myself?

Some of us cry at Corrie though!

I have been with my husband since I was 18, twenty years ago, I love him to bits and he's still the person I most want to talk to about any old shite, but we have friends we see separately. He works shifts so he's not about most of the time, I love having time on my own. I read, mooch about t'internet, look at celeb photos on E-online. He would text me a few times a day, usually on the lines of "need anything picked up" etc. I love doing stuff myself with the kids as well, but I'm really happy in my own company so I don't feel isolated or lonely.

The fact that you're questioning it means that something has changed for you - perhaps you have developed slightly more confidence? Or you're feeling more energetic? Either way the questions that you're coming up with show that you don't feel quite right with the situation any more and so it's time to shake things up a bit.

As others have said, it's lovely to have a close bond (DH and I are similar) but it's also important to have your own interests and some time apart as you don't know what the future holds, plus it helps to keep the relationship fresh by giving you new things to talk about. My DH would be very much like you if I let him but I insisted he keep on his hobby and I think now he's glad I did because it's a great outlet for him. Without it he would have very few friends and end up at home every evening which is ok but can be tiring and samey in the long run.

Will you go back into employment op?

For me I would find being a sahm for that long very difficult if I didn't have a friendship group, or is writing your passion?

rubberglove - something that involves you in your local community might be something you might enjoy? I used to work for a charity for one day a week as a volunteer until it sadly had to close down.

I also recently started learning to ring church bells a few months ago as a way of spending more time outside the home. DW encouraged me.

Its only once/twice a week for an hour but lovely people and and am enjoying it enormously. I had wanted to do it for a while and just needed to get over the initial hurdle of getting started with our local band as I am not a generally very outgoing person. Its also a nice thing to do as it gets me involved in the community again.

I don't think crying is a problem unless you are distraught and/or it goes on for longer than say, a morning and you can't shake off the unhappiness. As others have said, end of holiday blues are quite understandable. Some people don't cry but some are naturally more emotional and are moved to tears.

Me and DH are pretty introverted. Both of us are loners and need time alone and don't favour big groups when we do go out together but we each do have interests that the other doesn't share. Mine is something I do alone and I do classes sometimes but I don't feel the need to turn it into a social event. DH has to spend time with others (he sings in a choir) but doesn't go in for socialising outside of the singing - no post practice trips to the pub or anything. I don't think we are too dependent on one another but others might just because we don't have some wonderful social life that is obvious to everybody else. It is not really their business though. So long as you are, on the whole, happy don't worry about what others think. If you want an outside activity have one, but if you don't feel the need then don't. I actually don't think it will make a blind bit of difference to the post holiday blues tears.

Oh and FWIW, I don't think a couple of phone calls during the day are a big deal. Lots of people text and email during the day so one phone call sounds quite restrainted to me.

I always feel sad when DH has to go back to work as family time is so precious and he misses so much of the time I get with DD day to day - so I very much see where you're coming from, OP. He's working so hard we can't even have a proper holiday this year and I'd so love to spend a full week with just me, him & her. That definitely makes me sad.

But I've always been happy being on my own and once you start getting out & about and meeting people, it's about getting the right balance. I love being on my own with DD but I like getting out & meeting other mums too.

Carving out a bit of time just for me myself comes much further down the equation but I am getting a bit here & there. V impressed that you've written a book!

I think it's fine to have close bond with your DP.
I'm happiest when with DH.

But you do ned to spread your wings op. Especially if you want to be a writer as you need to have human contact to make your work human IYSWIM.

I know there's a cute vision of writers alone, slaving on their masterpiece, but it's not a common one on RL.

"He phones me from work, sometimes twice a day."

That would get him a written warning where I work, unless he does it on his mobile during his lunchbreak.

It does sound like you are a little bit too dependent on him. I love my husband to bits and we do spend a lot of time together. We don't have a huge circle of friends either, but I do enjoy seeing my friends without my husband. We both need and enjoy time away from each other. Also, he travels a lot for work so I am used to hime being away for a week or two anyway.

I cry because mine hasnt gone back to work! In the summer hols we get under each other feet because we are both teachers. When we do return to work I'm relieved we haven't killed each other.
I think it's sweet that you feel that way but also think yep you need to get out more.

I think I'm quite dependent on my husband too. Right now he's away in Germany for two weeks. He's due back Saturday, but as the days have gone by I've felt more and more lonely and lathargic and today I have gone back to bed because I feel like there's no point being up.

It wasn't so bad when he went away before I got pregnant, but these days it's hard when he goes, and he's away a lot. I should really be clearing out the room that will be the nursery or doing housework, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it.

When he's home it's great and we spend all our time together.

Lethargic, even, not lathargic.

I would seriously look at volunteering opportunities, it will get you 'back out there' meet new people, raise your confidence levels and self esteem and will look good when / if you decide to look for paid employment. its very rewarding and you could perhaps do something matched to your hobbies such as helping with literacy classes? if your kids are school aged what about seeing if there is an assisted reading scheme at the school? if you have access to sitters for the Dc what about both of you doing an evening class, learn a new language? learn to salsa? give you both a broader outlook and you might meet some new friends.

I'm quite outgoing with a great group of friends and social events but I still feel like the op.

Dh and I talk at least two times a day when at work, I miss him when I'm not with him and I do feel quite dependent on him for a lot of my emotional needs. If your happy don't worry

I think the fact you posted is you saying 'is there more for me'. And the answer is yes! Tons! I would start with a writers' group - you can do this in RL or online, both are very valuable (in fact, the feedback you get in an online group can be more robust as it's not face to face, so better for your writing). And you could volunteer as well, which I think would deepen your connection to wider society.

You can't write about life unless you're out living it... think of the characters you'd meet if you volunteered, say, in a charity shop for one day a week

I wouldn't say I'm dependant on my DH or vice versa, and I don't cry if we're apart, but we do do almost everything together, including nights out. We make new friends independently of each other quite readily, but this invariably leads to us wanting to then introduce them to the other one so everyone ends up as mutual friend sooner or later. During the day we probably swap texts and emails about 20-30 times, but this is mostly texts on the subject of random thoughts or banter, which could be because we met in uni and spent all day in a studio together so just got used to constant communication..

Having said that, once our first is born (I'm currently 23 weeks) I imagine I might miss him more purely for lack of distraction as I'll be at home for a while, although having a baby to look after could be distraction enough!

If you're too dependent on your husband, then I definitely am on mine! We email while he's at work (unless he's seriously busy!) throughout the day and are always very vocal about missing each other. He's off on a business trip tomorrow for the rest of the week and I feel quite glum about it*. Luckily his hotel has WiFi so he's taking his laptop so we can Skype in the evenings!

*Don't worry, I am already telling myself to get a grip and think about how military spouses cope when their SOs are away on duty for months at a time!

I think you are too dependent on him and like others, think that crying when he returns to work is a bit OTT. I'm also surprised that you need to call each other twice a day unless this is about arrangements for things - I'm aware that I speak to dp at least once a day but only because I need to know what train he's catching!

It wouldn't hurt to broaden your horizons a bit with some outside activities and it'll probably be good for your relationship.

DP who is involved with providing services for older people has often witnessed the loneliness of widows who had never spent time apart from their now deceased husbands. Several of them have told him how bereft they were when their husbands died because their lives were now completely empty and all of them have said that they would have done things differently.

I think it sounds very sweet.

Wordfactory - I have always written fiction, poetry etc. I am not sure about trying to get published but I agree, that would involve engaging with the world a bit more!

Dh and I were sweethearts. We used to phone each other in the early hours of the morning, when we were students and living apart. When I met him, I was dealing with childhood abuse, he was my rock.

Then we married and had kids, I don't regret any of that, but I escaped my home and immediately became a wife and mother. I have given everything to my family for the last six years, to give my kids what I didn't have. But a little part of me is asking, what about you now?

I think it's up to you. Me & DH of 5 years have what I would call a balanced relationship.

We enjoy spending time together - have date nights, enjoy watching tv together in the evenings, we have very similar taste in films & tv, go out as a family etc.

I love however spending time with my friends, we have meals round each others houses, I go to the gym, cinema with friends, music events - even the odd nights away! DH goes on a lads long weekend every year. I love it.

I enjoy spending time apart. I think that's y it works.

I suggest that if u r happy then that's fine but your reaction to missing him maybe means that some time apart might benefit u both?