to refuse to see my health visitor

[mummypig189]

The health visitor knocked on my door today unannounced asking if she could come in.
The point of this visit was obviously just to come and have a nose because non of the children were due any checks although she weighed my youngest.

I was already peed off that she just came in to check up on me for no reason but her questions were so patronising i couldve strangled the silly woman. Heres just a few of the delightful comments she made

"So your expecting again? Unplanned then?"
"Are you still with the father? Does he work? Does he help out? Is he looking after you and the children?"
"How are you/will you cope with number three then?"
"you know theres courses at the local childrens centre for young moms, cooking parenting etc do you want me to phone for you?"
"You do know to put suncream on them in this weather dont you?"

Do you think its unreasonable for me to ask to see another health visitor,when my LO is born in oct?

Im not sure i can deal with the old bat 2 weeks after giving birth!

[Kaloobear]

Really? Ok, well that makes me feel a bit better. She introduced herself when she sat down with 'So I'm not a doctor or anything so can't help if the baby's ever ill as we're a 'well baby' organisation...' which made me sort of wonder what the point was and implied no medical experience at all!

[Birdsgottafly]

I meant that they are not SW's, meaning that you are not under any investigation when they call, it is part of their job role, to work in the community, where their clients live (obviously).

They need to ask questions as part of their duty of care is to direct services to families, even if they don't always get it right.

[OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere]

See I don't think she was reasonable to just pop round. I would hate that.
I am assertive enough to send people away if I don't want to see them.
I didn't used to be.
I don't want people just turning up on the off chance, it's rude and I would never do it.
It's one thing for SW to make unannounced visits but another for h/scp to do it.
It's about what is convenient for them.

I had an appt with a perinatal mh nurse. It was for 3pm. She turned up at 10am and said she was just passing and did I want to see her now?
I told her no! I hadn't done my housework or ad a shower.
I was very polite and she came back later

[lisad123]

Should say if Hv turned up on my door without an appointment I likely wouldn't let her in. Not because I have anything to hide but because I think it's rude.

[OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere]

kaloo it is handy to have info before you visit a family. I hate having to ask too many questions and people get fed up with telling their stories over and over again.
Tbh their is a safety aspect too. I visit alone. If people do not make certain notes I could be in danger. A good worker would not make assumptions andid they use information for anything they shouldn't, they can be sacked.

There is a computer trail that can check if I am being nosy. I have to justify every record I look up. Quite rightly.

[Kaloobear]

I should add, my disgruntlement partly stems from the fact that the HV who came round when DD was tiny didn't show any interest in my mental health or talk about PND at all, and it wasn't until I'd thought I was going crazy, come on here for some sensible advice and plucked up the courage to go to the GP 10 months down the line that I got any help, so I'm possibly less sympathetic to them as a profession than I might have been had I had good care from them in the first place rather than a somewhat patronising and sneakily carried out 'check up' all this time later. I know I'm responsible for my own health but it just narks me that this woman invited herself round for the first time in months and months but didn't actually say anything about PND until the end of her visit and spent the rest of the time seemingly fishing for 'clues' as to my mental state!

Though who knows, maybe I'm still more depressed than I think I am and accordingly paranoid!

[Birdsgottafly]

They shouldn't come without an appointment but if appointments are missed, they will call on the off chance, as they do need to make sure that the family live where they say (if new etc), amongst just needing to check that everything is fine.

Everyone is trying to fit as much in a working day to keep up, so they will try to juggle appointments if possible, especially if they have had a call to visit someone close by.

[Kaloobear]

Also, I don't mean to be rude about the profession as a whole and I know there are a lot of people who really benefit from their help. I think I've just had one who wasn't very observant, and this one who was a bit of an odd character, and the combination was particularly irritating. I'm sure most are much better!

[OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere]

A good one is priceless.
I have met some total shockers in my borough.
It's such a shame because they are ideally placed to help.
They are really underfunded now though.
When I had DD you saw them all the time.
By dc5 it was one booking in appt.

But considering my experience, that wasn't a bad thing

[Xayide]

I was lucky and did have a good one with my first.

The reason I hated the dropping by was the DC were napping, I was on way out, or on phone and when I said it wasn't convenient I was told by two different HV that it would be looked on as me having something to hide .

There have never been any concerns raised at all about any of my DC I hence to add. I know it was a way of making their life easier so they didn't have to come back at a time convenient to me.

After they said that did I let them in said yes and nodded to everything rather than risk trouble and didn't complain wish now I'd had more gumption and stuck to the no as I really don't think there could have been any come back to us.

[marriedinwhite]

Since DS was born nearly 18 years ago, I have changed how I deal with all hcp's. I am polite but I no longer respond to false over friendliness. It is a professional relationship and I expect to be treated as an equal by doctors, nurses, midwives, hv's and all their staff. My conversations now go something like this:

Receptionist: "married - room 209"
Me: "terribly sorry - can you remind me which doctor I'm seeing"
Them: "Dr Jones"
Me: "Oh, I think it's Mrs Inwhite then isn't it.
Dr: "sit down Married, how are you today"
Me: "oh dear, can you remind me of your name please"
Dr: "it's Dr Jones"
Me: "well then I would like you to call me Mrs InWhite please"
Dr: "I'll call my patients what they want to be called"
Me: "That's good, because if I am expected to use your title, I expect you to treat me as your equal and use mine".

Cuts out all manner of silly questions about who the father of my children is and makes it crystal clear to all concerned that I am not subordinate to a doctor or any other health care professional and as such expect to be treated with the same level of respect they like to be treated with. It isn't being stuffy it's refusing to allow the NHS and those who work in it to subordinate their patients and pretend they are more powerful than them. It's actually an equality issue and in an organisation that spends so much time on E&D one that is sorely neglected and abused.

My children's teachers wouldn't dream of using my first name why would a nurse, recpetionist or doctor. It isn't friendly it's rude and it's insubordinate and I for one don't like it. Of course, when I am treated respectfully in the first place, I always say, "do please call me "Married" but when I am not they can find their bedside manners.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

Mine helped me to get carpets (the state of the floors in my council flat was dreadful), stair gates and a fridge by referring me to a local charity that I simply wouldn't have heard of otherwise.

She made sure I received all the benefits I was entitled to, as well. I'm not thick by any means, but sometimes the system its hard to negotiate when you're new to it.

All this, and wonderful support with breast feeding, weaning, ds's development... She really was worth her weight in gold.

It saddens me that people would go to the effort of training to be a HV and then basically be a horrible twat. Why on earth do they choose it as a profession if they neither like, nor want to help, people?

[marriedinwhite]

Some of the problem sadly Jenai is that many of them enter it because they want to help people in your circumstances. They do it because they are caring and statist and possibly more than a little left wing and they have issues when they have to deal with people like me which they then like to rub in and twist. An HV actually turned round to a friend of mine and said "and don't think that because your baby has got everything, he's any better than anyone else's baby" .

The service, however, is not means tested and for as long as it isn't means tested then from a professional perspective the advice they give to all should be adequate and up to date. Regrettably it isn't. I'd have been perfectly happy if the hv had put her head round the door and said "here I am, call me if you need me, I can see there are unlikely to be any problems here".

[kilmuir]

she obviously has concerns about you .
I only saw my HV once after baby number 4. she said if i wanted to see her to ring.

[PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot]

I had a posh one. She was nice but lacked the certain stop think transmit reflex was bloody obsessed with mince n onions.

Having not breastfed basically due to nearly bleeding to death out of my vagina, i lept down her throat at the first mention of it and she didn't dare again.

[5madthings]

how can she have concerns about a person she has never met!

i have had some lovely hv's and some utterly crap ones. its the same in any profession. but given that its a caring profession and one people use at a time when they are often at their most vulnerable they really should be polite and respectful.

[OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere]

She obviously had concerns?
Based on what? Her own prejudices?

Unless you have solid information you do not go in looking for trouble.
You visit and are alert to possible issues.

[lljkk]

Don't you think HVS are heavily pressured to profile their clientele, and let's face it, quite young with many children ticks a risk factor box.

[OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere]

There are ways of doing things though.
Making an appt to introduce th op to the area and discuss how she is, that is one thing.
Turning up and firing 'questions' s going to piss anybody off and is counter productive surely?
Op doesn't want to see her again so if there were any issues they would have to reach SS thresholds before interventions could be made.

Daft isn't it?

[ReindeerBollocks]

I'm trying to put mine off. It's a routine pre school visit. However in the past seven days, and for the next seven days I have had, and will continue to have community nurses in my home. So do I need the added stress of a none medical person to check up on me? Do I balls.

My reluctance to have the HV (stuck up cow she was last time too) visit means that they want to ring me to check I'm alright . They know our history so can't even plead ignorance.

At the moment I'm pissed off with the qualifies - the none qualifies don't stand a chance.

[Birdsgottafly]

HV's are qualified

I think that part of the problemis that because they come from a nursing/MW back ground they practise from a 'medical' model, not 'social', so forget basic skills when communicating.

[marriedinwhite]

But on the whole the midwives had better social skills birds. Although in my experience, the hospital based ones were politer and much more professional than the community ones. Based on my experience, I think the problem is that in the community they do not have sufficient supervision or guidance/managerial support to ensure that basic protocols/communication standards are maintained.

I recall feeling v offended when the community midwife asked very bluntly if my baby had the same father as my ds principally because it was in my home and I found it exceptionally rude. It could have been couched "I can see your wedding photo's and have to ask this question because of the protocols as well as for clinical reasons". A blank has it got the same father as your son was wholly unacceptable, especially in my drawing room, drinking my tea, effectively as a "guest" in my home. Getting arsy about my response didn't help either.

[Birdsgottafly]

My experience was different, i was at the push stage when my bitch of a MW asked me when i was getting married and informed me that i had put the cart before the horse, on my first.

[TheLazyGirlBlog]

You can request a new one, I certainly did after my eldest was born as the mardy old bat was seriously make me consider moving away! I was very very polite about it, and said we didn't quite gel and that perhaps she was more suited to an old fashioned type of birth- my partner and I have been together for 13 years (8 at the time of my daughter's birth) but she was the same about me not being married, very negative. I just said there was no hard feelings but I wanted to feel comfortable with the person over seeing my pregnancy and beyond. I ended up with a lovely one!
The red flag thing does exist, be careful because some can be pure evil. I had a batty old one when my son was born, got the arse because I didn't call to tell her he'd been born. It was due to him being born at 28 weeks but she didn't care, took it personally, and then told the Hospital he was early as I smoked during pregnancy (totally untrue!). This was still on his records for ages until I threatened to sue. She also write in notes that my daughter's ear drum burst as I had given her dummies and forgotten to go to the doctors about her ear infection (untrue, I'd been three times before it burst and she never ever had a dummy) and that she had delayed speech due to me. She also accused my OH of being a drunk as we had a bottle of wine in our recycling box- after Christmas.

Just watch your back. Some don't like single Mums at all.
Either request a new one, or just grin and bear it- with the batty one (I asked to change but there was a shortage), I used to be really polite, and offer her tea- then spit in it. I also used to go upstairs to the loo, lock the door and say swear words so she couldn't hear. Worked for me!

[OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere]

DD's hv came to visit her when she was dx with cancer, years after she was no longer her hv.
She was lovely.
A bit bonkers but lovely.

One of her colleagues was well known amongst my friends for coming round and saying 'no more babies now dear!'
Which would ave been annoying enough but she would visit a week r two later and say
'so when are you planning your next, you don't want to eave it too long dear'