to refuse to see my health visitor

[mummypig189]

The health visitor knocked on my door today unannounced asking if she could come in.
The point of this visit was obviously just to come and have a nose because non of the children were due any checks although she weighed my youngest.

I was already peed off that she just came in to check up on me for no reason but her questions were so patronising i couldve strangled the silly woman. Heres just a few of the delightful comments she made

"So your expecting again? Unplanned then?"
"Are you still with the father? Does he work? Does he help out? Is he looking after you and the children?"
"How are you/will you cope with number three then?"
"you know theres courses at the local childrens centre for young moms, cooking parenting etc do you want me to phone for you?"
"You do know to put suncream on them in this weather dont you?"

Do you think its unreasonable for me to ask to see another health visitor,when my LO is born in oct?

Im not sure i can deal with the old bat 2 weeks after giving birth!

[mummypig189]

The rasbperry was at futtheshutup after all i am young so thats just the type of behaviour you can expect from me are you sure your not my HV?

[mummypig189]

The other replies are helpfull thaks

[BlackberryIce]

Whoever said,further up thread, they are damned if they do and damned if they don't, is absolutely right!

Just deal with it!

[DilysPrice]

I don't really see what's wrong with those questions. As a MC 30something I wouldn't be surprised if a new HCP in a new area asked me any of those questions (apart from the cooking for young mums one) as a way of assessing whether I was in particular need of support/attention. Surely an HV would find it relevant to distinguish between a mother with no partner in place vs one who pops round regularly for a shag vs one who lives in and will play a more-or-less full parental role.

Of course it's all in the tone - there are ways, and ways of asking.

[OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere]

What crying jags and massive rages? I hope to God you are not a hv or SW.
Making those assumptions from a jokey post on the Internet.

I wanted to strangle my oh last night for snoring.
Omg that means I am a psychopath eeeekkk

[FutTheShuckUp]

Here- I have a spare grip you may have.

[5madthings]

just deal with it?

why it IS rude and presumptious, esp the pregnant again, unplanned then? its none of her business!! and that IS a rude thing to say!

as are the questions about her partner/husband, the assumption is that as she is a young mum she will be a single parent or her partner is a layabout that doesnt work! that is what is being presumed and it IS rude!!

fair enough make an app to see the op and check that all is well, but it is none of her business if her partner works, the op can ask for help if she needs it. you can have a conversation where these things are covered without being rude!

[ValiumQueen]

futs comment was not deserving of the raspberry. Stating fact. But I am 43 and expecting my third.

[Sirzy]

The questions about the partner are needed to establish what support is there, with 3 young children support is vital.

A lot of it comes down to how things are asked, perhaps the HV was rude how she asked, perhaps the OP in her annoyance at the unannounced visit felt they were rude when they werent we will never know that. I do agree with the damned if they do damned if they don't comments though.

[BlackberryIce]

Yes, just deal with it. Then move on.. We only have op's word here that the HV was so blunt. Easy for it to look so bad when it's written down.

[mummypig189]

wow didnt realise things could get so heated over such a simple question!
I suppose its hard to know what context people are speaking in when you read comments off a screen.

[mummypig189]

really i would just like to know if its a reasonable request for me to ask to see someone else?

[BulldogDrummond]

It's no business of anyone whether a baby was planned or not.

[5madthings]

yes perfectly reasonable to request someone else ,i did this after ds4, the hv i had then totally missed my pnp, 'forgot' to get me to fill in the edinburgh test and when i expressed my concerns about how i was feeling basically told me it was my 4th and i knew what i was doing and to just get on with it! i ended up in the psych unit not long afterwards!!

i had a lovely new hv for no 5, dd who was great ,she then went on maternity leave, but hte one that replaced her was also lovely and they really were great, its like any profession, you get good eggs and some not so good.

[MelanieSminge]

she does sound nasty, some of them are.

[mummypig189]

They really were asked in a patronising manner otherwise i would have just thought she was well meaning allbeit rather tactless. Ive had HV ask those kids of questions before but never in such a rude way

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

Maybe the planned bit is a way of ascertaining whether somene is happy to be pregnant again, although I'm not sure it's an effective one.

It would be reasonable to ask to see another HV if you really don't like the one who came to visit. You can but ask.

[OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere]

I will continue to take exception to questions like
'so the children have different fathers?'
'you are on your own?'
'this is a council house?'
'what brand milk are you feeding?'
'so that was obviously a still birth then?'

Nothing wrong with wanting to collect the information but I prefer to be asked rather than have to deny the HVs prejudice laden assumptions about me.
Nothing wrong with living in council and/or ff, having different fathers etc but again don't assume it.
If you assume all that what else Re you going to take for granted? That I am thick and unable to care for my kids or that my 14 year old DD's death was obviously a stillbirth

I am not a younger mum and have no axe to grind.
I am a working class early years specialist worker and cringe at the attitudes of some of my colleagues.

[hobnobsaremyfavourite]

Child health surveillance is not compulsory. opt out if you are unhappy. Problem solved.

[cricketballs]

I think everyone needs to take a step back and think about the facts...

the op has recently moved areas
she has been asked to visit the clinic with her 2 dc
she is pregnant with her 3rd dc
no appearance to the clinic with her dc
HV needs to check everything is ok (as per the changes in procedure due to previous cp cases)

imagine the story in the papers.....
a mother of 2dc and pregnant with her third moved areas so no history shown and no one bothered to check all was ok and something happened that could have been prevented

op - whilst the tone of her questions may not have been to your liking can you see (given my example) why the visit was needed?

[marriedinwhite]

Thing is at 35, in v comfy circumstances, wearing a wedding ring, called Mrs, wedding photo's in the room - I was asked very similar questions in a very rude way. 17 years ago though I tried to play her at her own game. When she asked where my partner was, I said I didn't have a partner. She started talkin about support so I said my husband was at work but if his hours were very long, then we would think about a mother's help. Then she got arsy and told me about people less privileged than me. I didn't ask for the visit, she couldn't confirm her role, she dictated what I would and wouldn't do. In those circumstances I expect the service to provide up to date relevant advice and to treat me in a respectful manner. It was a first visit and she didn't have the basic courtesy to make an appointment. With hindsight when I opened the door that morning at 9am I should have told her to phone me later and make a mutually convenient appointment. Instead I let her insubordinate me or attempt to by receiving her in my nightie withmylittle finger in the mouth of a hungry baby for 45 minutes.

[MelanieSminge]

yes but if she 'opts out' , she could have SS involvement next,you just don't know with some of these people.

[FallenCaryatid]

I'd send a polite email, listing the things that she said yo you in a calm manner and then point out that the questions were inappropriate and that the HV appears to have some issues of prejudice about young mothers, and advise that she should have some retraining to address her needs.
Then I'd say that I wanted to have a new HV.

[missismac]

When i had my first DC my HV came to visit. I found her very irritating and thought she asked silly questions, a bit like yours OP. It didn't occur to me to ask for a different one though. I did feel like bursting into tears sometimes when talking with her, but never for a minute did I think of losing my temper & 'throwing her out Phil Mitchell style'. She was just doing her job, and she's only human. Just because I didn't like her 'tone' initially didn't mean that she was no good. Fast forward a few years and she became a godsend to me, very supportive and helpful through some trying times.

She moved away just after I had DC4 (she delayed leaving her job even though it meant her commuting a long way each day until after I'd had number 4 as she said it didn't feel right to go until she'd seen me right), and now that baby is nearly 9 I still miss her.

I think you are BU. It sounds like you're over-reacting a bit and taking offense at nothing. You say yourself that you are young, and tbh you do sound it from your reaction to this HCP who, from your description, just sounds like she was trying to get to know you & see if she could be of any help to you in any way. Give her a chance - not everyone gets it right all the time you know?

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

The assumptions would piss me right off, MrsD.