to refuse to see my health visitor

[mummypig189]

The health visitor knocked on my door today unannounced asking if she could come in.
The point of this visit was obviously just to come and have a nose because non of the children were due any checks although she weighed my youngest.

I was already peed off that she just came in to check up on me for no reason but her questions were so patronising i couldve strangled the silly woman. Heres just a few of the delightful comments she made

"So your expecting again? Unplanned then?"
"Are you still with the father? Does he work? Does he help out? Is he looking after you and the children?"
"How are you/will you cope with number three then?"
"you know theres courses at the local childrens centre for young moms, cooking parenting etc do you want me to phone for you?"
"You do know to put suncream on them in this weather dont you?"

Do you think its unreasonable for me to ask to see another health visitor,when my LO is born in oct?

Im not sure i can deal with the old bat 2 weeks after giving birth!

[Sirzy]

Other than the suncream comment and the unplanned comment then the others seem like perfectly normal questions to ask in order to make sure there is enough support available.

[ValiumQueen]

Sorry missed post to say not today.

[lastnerve]

Ask for another?

I wouldn't completely refuse.

[mummypig189]

There would honestly be no cause for concern for her to turn up like that.
Like i said my kids are well looked after ive never had any history with SS or anything like that.
I am very young mum, having my third now at 21 but despite that im very capable, and its pretty obvious to see when you enter my house and see my children.

[FutTheShuckUp]

I'm a bit to be perfectly honest. Why would someone start a post saying something happened today then when caught out say it happened a while back.
Mrs DV- you will be hard pushed to find ANY health visitors that work Sundays

[Sirzy]

But if she has never seen you and as far as they are concerned you have ignored invites to go and see they then surely it's not hard to see why they would want to try to get the whole picture and ensure IF you needed support it was offered?

[OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere]

My hv booked me onto a 'new baby and me' course.
For my 5th child
It started at 9am

I asked her if she was going to do the school run for me.
Cheeky mare.

She also changed her tune when she was told I was bf and weaning on organic, owned the house and all the kids had the same father.

WHY? Why should those things make her talk to me and not at me?

[5madthings]

i had a hv visit me on a sunday. i did have issues as i had had pnp with no4, so they were very careful to keep an eye on me with no5, which i appreciated.

her questions/statements were very rude tho! i have had some rude statements like that, esp once i got onto baby 4 and 5, ie it must be with a new partner, how will i cope etc, um yes all with the same father and i cope just fine, very well infact.

[5madthings]

yep exactly mrdevere have had similar here, also at the old school that ds1 and ds2 went to, when i spoke to them as ds1 was being bullied, they were patronising and rude, i arranged an official meeting with the ht and his teacher, dp came with me, and as soon as they found out his job (he works in child protection) the atmosphere TOTALLY CHANGED! they were falling over themselves to be polite, helpful etc, anyway we changed schools as i will not put up with being treated like that!

[Xayide]

I don't know why everyone is so disbelieving about a HV just dropping round - I had one that would make appointments then turn up hours earlier and another that would just turn up and complain if I wasn't in. That one incredibly rude, very partitioning and very judgmental and never knew anything about anything I did ask.

She disapproved of us despite being married, well educated and not first time parents. She disapproved of the age gaps we had with DC and fact we rented when we first met her then disapproved of fact we'd moved to house we'd bought and was very vocal on the topics.

[FutTheShuckUp]

Why post about it two weeks later claiming it happened today?

Anyway if it DID happen at all OP 21 is young to be having a third child. There is a dearth of evidence young mums struggle more in achieving good health outcomes for their children. You would be quick enough to complain if you were struggling and nobody had offered support, no doubt

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

I seemed to get more attention from the HV when I had ds, than friends who had babies at the same time, because I was single and not at all well off financially. I imagine it's the same if you're expecting your third child at 21 - you have a lot on your plate and although you're coping well, others don't. It seems reasonable to me, as do the HV's questions, particularly seeing as you've not been to visit the HV at your surgery.

[marriedinwhite]

5madthings that's the attitude that made me say things like "as it's a professional relationship, I would prefer you to call me Mrs xxxxxxxxxxxx". Stroppy I know but their attitude was discourteous so I didn't care. Wasn't really an issue by the time DS was 8 weeks old because by then I had made a formal complaint about their impertinence and incompetence and formally recorded that they were never, ever to contact me again in the future. Either for DS or any other children I might have.

If the baby is ill or not developing they have to refer to a doctor or other professional because they are not qualified to deal with anything other than general advice anyway. Likewise with the mother. A book written by a paediatrician gave me more reliable and sensible advice than either of the hv's I saw. If I thought my baby was ill, I took him to the doctor; if the GP didn't have a solution he/she were referred to the appropriate specialist consultant, ie, grommets/severe umbilical hernia.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

I loved my HV btw. She was fabulous.

[mummypig189]

ok ok i can get over the surprise visit but the question i reeeally dont think the way she spoke to me was appropriate i can only imagine what she will ask me about the new baby, and with all those hormones it could go one of two ways, depending on my mood.
I either breakdown crying at her questions prompting her to think im not coping or i flip my lid and throw her out phil mitchel style prompting her to think ive got anger issues

[OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere]

You can show concern without being rude and patronising.
I work with families with severely disabled children.
I have to be aware of issues and be alert to signs of parents struggling.
I do not have the right to fire statements at them and turn up when I have a spare half hour and expect to be let in.
It would put parents off and I wouldn't be able to build a relationship and help them if the did need it.

You do not assume, dictate or air your own opinions on things you have no right to.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

I really depends on how the questions were asked; if her tone was off then I can understand being irritated by them.

[mummypig189]

I can assure you i may be young at 21 to be having my third child but im a wonderful mother and cope very well so blows raspberry

ive only just joined mumsnet so thats why i didnt post earlier

[Sirzy]

You just have to nod and ignore the comments like the suncream one, they probably experience so many people who do that it's second nature. A HV reminded me of the importance of wrapping DS up warm when he was 10 weeks old and had just come out of a 10 day hospital trip. I was at clinic at the time and she had watched me strip him out of the snowsuit and other layers - I just nodded and agreed its not worth getting upset about.

Making sure you have support is a sensible HV question, why would they not enquiry about that?

[RaisinDEtre]

No wonder she is worried about you if you have crying jags or massive rages

ARE you coping? because your reactions are quite extreme

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

who is the raspberry aimed at?

[Sirzy]

Nobody is doubting you are a good mother but how would the HV know that without visiting and asking questions? They aren't pshycic and you are in one of the groups which is known to be more at risk of struggling.

[FutTheShuckUp]

Blimey- I hope you don't show that mature response when someone just doing their job dares to see how you are coping

[ballroomblitz]

Hv do call now when you are expecting again. I recently had a slip through the door saying mine had tried to call but I was out. When I rang she explained it was a new thing to call and explain the hv procedure to expectant mothers. She asked if it was my first and when I said no she told me there wasn't much point in calling out again, unless I wanted her too, as I would know what way it worked.

[5madthings]

if the hv had actually called the op and said i hear you are expecting again, i just wanted to check all was ok, see if there was any support i could offer you etc, fine.

but her questions WERE rude so yes she can expect a slightly snotty response back imo.

and the op hasnt cried or shouted, she is saying what 'might' happen, if faced with a very rude hv in the first few days after having a baby i imagine lots of new mums might cry or get snappy. its pretty normal to cry and be a bit touchy in those first days post partum ime.