To think I shouldn't have to leave to breast feed to spare my DSIL's feelings?

[Whosbrightidea]

My niece is now 6 months old and my DS is 3weeks.
My SIL had a really hard time trying to establish bf and after 3weeks started exclusively formula feeding. She has really struggled with this emotionally and clearly feels she has let her DD down. She also feels she has been let down by the system (NCT, MW and HV) that made her feel like a bad mother because she is bottle feeding. During the last few months of my pregnancy any time I speak to my brother or SIL they've been telling me how difficult bf is and how I should prepare to fail essentially.

My DB, SIL and niece are coming to stay at my parents house to see my DS next week. I have been lucky enough to establish feeding reasonably well since the birth of my DS and when out and about have been feeding happily, including at my parents house. My mother has asked me to time my visits so as to avoid needing to feed when around SIL (as I am demand feeding and he's only 3weeks old I don't really know how!) or to make an excuse and feed him in another room.

I appreciate thats my SIL is still finding not bf difficult and I don't want to rub it in her face but i dont feel i should have to appolagise for feeding my DS. I only see my brother a couple of times a year and don't appreciate having my time with him limited like that! AIBU to not feel I should have to hide it or should I be more considerate?

Agree with others who said she might be over it by now! I couldn't get bf established so expressed for a few months, then mix and eventually ffed by about 19 weeks. I will be honest and say I was a little bit sad the first few times I saw someone lift their baby up off the play mat at baby group and get them latched on effortlessly in the space of about 3 seconds. But I also recognised the problem was entirely mine. However the next week at baby group I was fine, and have seen dozens of women bfing since, my DD is now 1.

Of course you have the right to feed your baby whenever and wherever you please. Nevertheless, if this is a sensitive issue for your SIL you should take care not to hurt her feelings any more by doing all you can to avoid doing this. So be tactful and considerate. You might well find she is completely fine.

YANBU. I failed to feed DD1 for long (less than 2 weeks) yet still was happy to be around bf friends/family.

I also failed to establish bf, and my DS was exclusively ff from about a week old. I was hard the first few times I went to baby groups and to see my NCT group, all of whom managed to bf. I felt like a failure and it was really hard to come to terms with.

18 weeks later and I'm fine with it, I just look on the bright side of ff, and he's really fine and healthy, so I don't worry about it any more. If she is still feeling that bad about it she may need to talk to someone, because 6 months is a really long time to be feeling so raw.

But I expect your DM is just pre-empting and trying to do the right thing. Your sil will have seen a lot of bfing at baby groups and I'm sure it's not going to upset her that much if you do it in her presence. As I said, if she does she may need some kind of help to deal with her feelings.

I think your mum is being very considerate of your SIL's feelings. It's all very well saying 'get a grip' but it's not always that easy when you're hurting, is it? You might find that your SIL doesn't mind after all.

After a week of trying to establish breast feeding I had to bottle feed DS - he had a tongue tie that stopped him being able to latch on properly.

I managed I express for 3 weeks after this & although I did feel like I had failed in some ways I would never resent another mother for their success.

I think it is very unreasonable for them to feel this way towards you & u should carry on the way you would as normal.

My entire group of friends has breastfed. One of the mothers had a hard time doing so however and stopped after a few weeks. It's been a regret for her ever since but she's never objected to our feeding our babies. Your SIL needs to be a grown up about it - and chances are she will be. You can always mention that your baby is a really good breastfeeder but that some aren't. Your SIL needn't take it personally.

Anunziata - She's not being very considerate of her own daughters feelings though, is she? She's singling her out when she's done nothing wrong. You wouldn't go up to a FF woman and say "FF upsets me do it elsewhere" (righly so you wouldn't do that of course). Now, if OP walked in, plonked baby on the breast and proceeded to launch into a speech about how easy it is/start slaing FFing mums, THAT would be wrong.simply feeding your baby is not insensitive or inconsiderate.

I think you should be able to feed where you blooming want to. It's not your fault that SIL had to change to formula. Yes, if I was her I'd have been gutted I couldn't continue but I'd be way over it now and certainly wouldn't feel resentful that others around me were doing it.

One of my Dsis managed only for 2 weeks and also a few friends just couldn't continue but I always tried to make them feel positive...e.g even one breast feed is good,even after a few weeks you've given all the good stuff (colostrum) and a fantastic start etc...

By pussyfooting around it it is almost like your DM is implicitly labelling your breast feeding as 'success' and SIL's FF as 'failure'

That's exactly how it feels sparkletastic! It feels really awkward. Before I had my DS mum was repeatedly talking to me about how SIL had "failed to feed successfully". I felt she was putting a load of pressure on me before I even had him!

Whether this suggestion stems from your mother or from your SIL, it is making breastfeeding the driving force in the entire family dynamic, when there's really no need. It's clearly the most important issue for your baby and you right now, but your SIL will probably have moved on to other issues as her baby is older, and certainly as an extended family you need to spend time together. It'd be pointless for you and your baby to sit in another room for most of the visit - and your SIL might actually feel more upset by you leaving.

She's not attacking her though, theQueenofDiamonds, just asking her to think about her SIL. Maybe she did it in the wrong way, but I think the intention was good.

I don't think you should leave the room to feed your DS.

If I were you, I'd keep it discrete and not talk about doing it. Just go ahead and feed your baby, but in a really quiet understated way.

As someone in the same situation as your SIL - I really don't think you need to leave the room. Quite the opposite, you need to include her in it by discussing her situation and how hard it must have been for her, as well as your own challenges. I love discussing BFing (and the problems that I had) with my BFing friends and they even come to me for BF advice sometimes!

It's accidental comments like 'I have such a strong bond with x due to BFing' or 'wow x has gained 10 oz and all from me!' that leave me feeling like a failed Mum. Oh and the health warning on the formula tubs that remind me that I'm failing to give my child the best nutrition.

This is a fairly old thread and I am wondering now how the visit went.

I was able to breast feed all my children for a long time but if I hadn't if someone had fed in front of me my feelings would have been happy for the mum and baby they could do it together while maybe a pang for me I couldn't, but I would not have said anything or wanted someone to interfere and tell a new mum they couldn't feed in front of me.

Well I have been (and still am I suppose) this situation but I am the SIL! My brother's sister's baby is six weeks older than my DD and she managed to establish BF beautifully and I did not.

I really put myself through it about not BF and I still have bad days when the guilt comes flooding back (DD is now 4 months old) but I'm getting better. All this being said, I would never ever have wanted SIL to feel anything but proud that it worked out for her. It does hurt a little to see her happily feeding but that is entirely my issue not hers. I really hope it doesn't show too much and that my smile isn't 'frozen'. I'd really hate that. That's not the sort of person I want to be. It is very possible that your SIL feels the same way.

I'd also second the idea of a few well chosen compliments. I was very shaken by my failure and my mothering self-esteem was extremely low in the early weeks after giving up feeding. I thought I was a b**ch who didn't deserve such a beautiful DD.

Congratulations on establishing BF, and on your undoubtedly scrumptious new baby! I hope you have a lovely time with both brother and SIL when you visit :)

Didn't realise that this was an old thread!

I reckon you're mum's just trying to keep the peace, not realising that her proposed suggestion is probably going to make a bigger deal out of the whole thing than needed.

I wouldn't say anything to anyone, I'd just go ahead.

Perhaps ask your SIL for some advice on something so that she feels able to impart some wisdom on you and doesn't feel inferior.

Come back OP, after sitting reading the whole OLD thread, I want to know the outcome.

first of all this has come from your Mum right, not your SIL?

if she is hyper upset, I would get a a BF cover and then she will not be tormented by the site of your infant happily munching away

and you dont need to leave room either