Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to leave to breast feed to spare my DSIL's feelings?

97 replies

Whosbrightidea · 19/08/2012 03:10

My niece is now 6 months old and my DS is 3weeks.
My SIL had a really hard time trying to establish bf and after 3weeks started exclusively formula feeding. She has really struggled with this emotionally and clearly feels she has let her DD down. She also feels she has been let down by the system (NCT, MW and HV) that made her feel like a bad mother because she is bottle feeding. During the last few months of my pregnancy any time I speak to my brother or SIL they've been telling me how difficult bf is and how I should prepare to fail essentially.

My DB, SIL and niece are coming to stay at my parents house to see my DS next week. I have been lucky enough to establish feeding reasonably well since the birth of my DS and when out and about have been feeding happily, including at my parents house. My mother has asked me to time my visits so as to avoid needing to feed when around SIL (as I am demand feeding and he's only 3weeks old I don't really know how!) or to make an excuse and feed him in another room.

I appreciate thats my SIL is still finding not bf difficult and I don't want to rub it in her face but i dont feel i should have to appolagise for feeding my DS. I only see my brother a couple of times a year and don't appreciate having my time with him limited like that! AIBU to not feel I should have to hide it or should I be more considerate?

OP posts:

cashmere · 19/08/2012 10:26

Leaving the room doesn't mean she has to miss feeds BUT if her baby is feeding very frequently (which it may well be), she may be more tempted to miss feeds. Leaving the room may also invite 'feeding again' comments.

GhostShip · 19/08/2012 10:28

Sounds harsh, but she needs to get a grip.

Kayano · 19/08/2012 10:31

Such compassion. Why not just say 'I'm about to feed xx now I don't know if you would feel comfortable being in the room?'

Gives her a bit warning, shows compassion and you still feed your baby

Get a grip for such an emotional issue (along with the feelings of failure women often feel) is not just harsh, it's downright nasty

GhostShip · 19/08/2012 10:35

Sorry but I just don't dance around issues, if she can't bear to see another child being breastfed, including family she's being ridiculous. It's not the end of the world and this softly softly 'I'll go in the next room' approach is not going to do her any favours.

Prarieflower · 19/08/2012 10:36

Kayano that's a good idea.

Re "get a grip" my sil's dc had huuuuge food issues,diet restrictions etc,etc.They're also veggie and don't like meat being anywhere near their dc.At one stage ice cream was on the off list so thinking of dnephew and sil I'd not let my dc have an ice cream in front of them and eat veggie meals.

Could have said "get a grip" but kind of thought family karma needed to come first.

GhostShip · 19/08/2012 10:37

In that case I wouldn't be depriving my children of something just because someone has chosen to do so with theirs. That's their personal choice.

Kayano · 19/08/2012 10:38

There is a difference between not dancing around issues and being nasty though

If you say 'get a grip' it would be hugely upsetting and mean to deliberately belittle her experiences,

If you say 'I'm going to feed xx now, I don't know if you want to be here' she at least has the opportunity to either go busy herself elsewhere or who knows? She might say 'oh it's fine! Wish I could have done it!'

It's not dancing around to just give a few seconds warning

Prarieflower · 19/08/2012 10:39

Oh and 1 of said cousins has behavioural problems now which involve a lot of pandering to regarding quite challenging behaviour which impinges on everybody-I could say "get a grip" with that too.

GhostShip · 19/08/2012 10:40

I never said I'd tell her to get a grip. I said she needs to.

Kayano · 19/08/2012 10:41

She might already have a grip though, that's the point. Why risk upset when you can say one sentence to try and avoid it

GhostShip · 19/08/2012 10:42

That one sentence could make a bigger issue out of it all though. If everyone just acts as normal then it's not making an issue, and life goes on. If she gets upset, she obviously hasn't got a grip and needs to deal with it.

claudedebussy · 19/08/2012 10:45

i think i'd explain to your mum that while your ds is so small you do have to feed him very often so it's not feasible to time your visit, nor leave the room.

suggest that they wait until the baby is older and can go 3 hours inbetween feeds before coming to visit.

i do think this is coming from your mum, not your sil.

NotGeoffVader · 19/08/2012 10:45

I don't think you should have to move away from SIL to feed your baby. I don't think SIL should feel bad about formula-feeing. Each to their own, or rather, each to whatever suits the baby.

I started DD off with a mixture of bf and ff before we got into a bf routine. I met mums at various groups who were exclusively bf and exclusively ff. Those doing ff seemed to think they were letting their babies down. I think unfortunately it is a bit of an overreaction on the part of those in the healthcare system in some places to push 'breast is best' rather than taking into account what suits people.

Is there any way to discuss it with SIL to let her know that you agree with her decision for her baby? :)

Prarieflower · 19/08/2012 10:46

Families are thrown together in quite small spaces for periods of time and it can be challenging.Thinking of others restricts resentment,fall outs etc which can only be good for the kids involved.

Sil is kind of a captive audience and in this situation I think empathy would go a long way.SIL is hurting,still raw and I really don't see the need to not think of her feelings.She wanted to bf so it's not as if she needs to be taught anything re seeing how it's done maybe later when her dd is older she'd benefit.

Proud bfing which we've all done can be done anywhere and anytime if the op wants to,it doesn't have to be done in this situation and Kay's suggestion is a good compromise.

JustSpiro · 19/08/2012 10:50

I think you need to speak to your bro & SIL and find out how she actually feels.

It's a really unfortunate situation and I can totally see where you're coming from. However I have been in your SIL's shoes and whilst I wouldn't impose my own feelings/struggles on anyone else I would have found it very tough.

Tbh my DD is nearly 8 and the subject of BF still touches a raw nerve with me now .

BobbysBeardOfWonder · 19/08/2012 10:55

I think this is becoming a mountain when really it's a molehill. It's just a baby who needs feeding; feed the baby without being unsympathetic to SIL.

Rubirosa · 19/08/2012 11:06

Surely it would be easier for SIL to leave the room than the OP?

Personally I wouldn't phone anyone, announce that you're going to feed or leave the room - just wear a big floaty top and stick the baby on without comment or fuss when necessary. I think making a big deal about feeding would be worse for your SIL and would almost confirm that you all think FF is a terrible failure.

merrymouse · 19/08/2012 11:18

I think it sounds as though your mum is trying to do the right thing, but maybe not remembering/understanding what it is like to BF a 3 week year old? You can't really predict when they will want to be fed.

I agree with others that it is likely that your SIL will have encountered plenty of breastfeeding if she has a 6 month old baby. Ostentatiously leaving the room to 'spare her feelings', I would have thought would be very embarrassing for her. At 3 weeks old with DS, my not breastfeeding in front of people would have meant spending hours having conversations through a door. It is quite likely that, while having expressed feelings about her own breastfeeding problems and lack of support, she couldn't care less whether you breastfeed.

I would have a quiet word with your brother to try to find out whether she is really so upset that just the sight of somebody breastfeeding would be difficult for her.

Original poster

Whosbrightidea · 19/08/2012 13:05

I have spoken to my SIL about feeding and her whole experience and believe I've been supportive and understanding. But I haven't spoken to her since the birth of my DS- not avoiding her we just haven't.
The reasons I don't want to leave the room are clearly not that I want to rub her face in it or boast about it and I realise there will be pleanty of things we will struggle with and need support. It's just that my brother lives along way away and we don't see much of each other. At the moment I feel I spend more time feeding than not at the moment and I don't want to spend most of the time with my family sitting on my own.

I think I will speak to my brother but I feel that asking her about it will make her think we've been discussing her (which of course we have!).

OP posts:

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 19/08/2012 13:29

I agree. If she had recently given up I could understand, but its been months. There are plenty of things to feel a failure over. My child is deaf and I thought for a long time it was my fault - should everyone with a hearing child have kept them hidden? Should no one have encouraged their children to talk because mine couldn't?
I had an ectopic pregnancy - should pregnant women all have shielded themselves from my sight?

GhostShip · 19/08/2012 13:43

Exactly. It's not that I don't have sympathy, but we can't all wallow and expect others to change their behaviours to suit.

GhostShip · 19/08/2012 13:44

And if you do leave the room, how long are you going to have to do that for? Indefinitely? That's not fair on you. Like you're some sort of leper when all you're doing is feeding your child.

BikeMedalsRunningMedals · 19/08/2012 13:55

I didn't establish bf and ff DS from a week old. I was so over it by the time he was 6 months old! Your SIL really might not mind - speak to her!

Littlegreenbear · 19/08/2012 13:59

YANBU....I struggled to Bf myself and I was quite upset over it for a while...however I had friends who were successful and would have felt embarrassed had they excused themselves for my sake....I feel it would have made more of an issue about it. your mum is probably just trying to keep everyone happy but it's maybe going to make more of an issue IMO.

Just feed baby as and when you usually would

Congratulations on your baby

DigestivesWithPhiladelphia · 19/08/2012 14:05

That's ridiculous. If your SIL attends any baby groups then she will be seeing breastfeeding women everywhere so surely she's used to it by now?

I struggled to breastfeed both my babies and was devastated when I gave up at around the 2/3 week both times. This never made me feel angry or disturbed by other mothers feeding though. I think I might have a tendency to stare at other breastfeeding women sometimes although I try not to! I'm only staring because I am thinking 'how do you do that?!' and wondering if they have some kind of secret knack that they could share with me.

I found feeding my baby formula, in public, a little difficult at first because I wondered if other mums were judging me for it. However, your SIL knows that you know the situation, maybe your mum is worrying about nothing?

Flip

1 2 3 4