To think I shouldn't have to leave to breast feed to spare my DSIL's feelings?

[Whosbrightidea]

My niece is now 6 months old and my DS is 3weeks.
My SIL had a really hard time trying to establish bf and after 3weeks started exclusively formula feeding. She has really struggled with this emotionally and clearly feels she has let her DD down. She also feels she has been let down by the system (NCT, MW and HV) that made her feel like a bad mother because she is bottle feeding. During the last few months of my pregnancy any time I speak to my brother or SIL they've been telling me how difficult bf is and how I should prepare to fail essentially.

My DB, SIL and niece are coming to stay at my parents house to see my DS next week. I have been lucky enough to establish feeding reasonably well since the birth of my DS and when out and about have been feeding happily, including at my parents house. My mother has asked me to time my visits so as to avoid needing to feed when around SIL (as I am demand feeding and he's only 3weeks old I don't really know how!) or to make an excuse and feed him in another room.

I appreciate thats my SIL is still finding not bf difficult and I don't want to rub it in her face but i dont feel i should have to appolagise for feeding my DS. I only see my brother a couple of times a year and don't appreciate having my time with him limited like that! AIBU to not feel I should have to hide it or should I be more considerate?

It would be kind to consider her feelings, surely?

Having said that I imagine your sil will be fine.

I didn't manage to establish breastfeeding with my daughter either and resorted to FF which I still feel bad about and its been a year, but nevertheless if you were my SIL I would be happy that you managed to succeed as I know how hard it is even though I was not successful. IYSWIM.

Agree with Trickle sometimes people over think things and make it worse. When Dsis lost our nephew DM started asking people with newborns not to visit, not telling her when cousins has babies etc. Dsis was mortified and it made things 10x more painful.

Just ignore and as pp says speak to SIL about how to wean, there she has a step ahead of you!

I think your mum is being very thoughtful, and I would be happy to pop out whenever my baby needed feeding unless SIL said otherwise.
Look at how heated BF/FF gets on here, and the levels of paranoia about being judged, impatience at how easy it is and how you are a better parent because breast is best, and how many suffer unhappily in silence with their feelings of inadequacy IRL.
There;s another thread (Yes, I know, netiquette) about a delighted young mother who is proud of her 8 week old who sleeps and eats without issues, and the advice on how she should hadnle her feelings is very different.
So no, I wouldn't BF on demand in the face of a woman who tried so very hard to BF and failed. I'd think it would appear smug and unkind, and worry that our relationship would suffer for it.

YANBU. Just don't make a big deal of bf your DS.

And if you have the bandwidth, try and be supportive to your SIL reg ff (without being condescending).

Personally I think your SIL is a grown up & should be pleased for you.

Feeding is one teeny tweeny aspect of parenting but can be blown out of all proportion at this stage.

I agree with Diddl.

I think that it is just your mother making a problem where there isn't one. Feeding is very discreet-I would just get on with it-hardly anyone notices.

Poor SIL :(

Women who really wanted to breastfeed but couldn't often feel desperately hurt and sad, and this can come over defensively (as in interpreting your feeding in front of them as a criticism). It's not about you (I'm sure you know this).

As someone who managed to establish bf'ing, I was often in this position with friends who weren't so lucky. My approach was/is to just get on with it quietly, answer any questions if they came up and making it clear that I was both sympathetic and non-judgemental. So often when you listen to women who struggled with and had to let go of breastfeeding, you hear stories of terrible support and misinformation from health professionals, and having had my own share of bad info, pain and distress, I can empathise.

Establishing breastfeeding is more a matter of luck than anything else in the UK in 2012 :(. How rubbish is that?

You shouldn't HAVE to..

But it would be kind.

YANBU.

It's unfortunate that BF wasn't possible for your SIL, but it's totally unreasonable to expect to hide all breastfeeding away from her forever - and to be fair, she might not even expect this, it could be your mother interfering unecesssarily.

A newborn baby doesn't have predictable feeding patterns, and it's not usually quick at that age either. You need to put your baby's needs first, you cannot avoid feeding him if he needs it - and it seems pointless for them to visit to see him if you have to hide away.

I'd speak to SIL direct, and explain that you are really excited about seeing them - but DS is fed on demand, and if SIl finds it difficult to deal with that then it might be better to postpone the visit until he is in more of a routine.

However , I bet it'll just be your mum making a mountain out of a molehill.

I think it's nice to be thoughtful of others feelings, which you are doing, but it's more important to continue feeding your child on demand at such a young age. It's probably worth discussing with your DB just to check DSIL really won't be upset, but I would have though someone who had tried so hard to bf would fully support other mums efforts to do so, rather than be upset about it.

So why do the BF/FF threads on here get so heated and intransigent?
Why do we have threads where BF mothers don't feel happy feeding on demand in public, and where FF parents feel judged by the BF?
Surely everyone should be supportive and appreciative and all feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment are ridiculous and should be put aside by everyone involved in feeding an unweaned child. There should be no heated debates on the subject at all.

As a failed bf I would be upset but wouldn't say anything. As you know she will be upset why not just make sure you have a word beforehand so she can busy herself with something else of she wants to?

Hmmm 3 weeks is very early days and who knows you too could still have problems so a little empathy wouldn't go amiss imvho.

Dp and his sister had babies at the same time(we had twin boys,sil a girl) and I soooo wish my mil had been so thoughtful for a variety of reasons. She wasn't,she was a cow and sil was very thoughtless,I haven't forgotten. Now years on sil is the one needing a bit of empathy at family meet ups for a variety of reasons which I give gladly however the resentment we felt took a while to go.

Having new babies under a year is quite a trying time for all concerned and a little bit of thought for all now will pay dividends for the future.The newborn stage is very fleeting,the rest of your dc's childhood is far more important.These early meet ups will set things up for the rest of your lives.

Later on in babyhood,childhood,the teenage years you might need some empathy so either except you may need to feed upstairs(no biggy,we've all done it) or visit later when feeding is properly established and you'll have more idea of feeding times.You're talking a couple of months,not a big ask.

I was a hippy first time round!

I couldn't establish bfing, it all went v pearshaped, and I did feel guilty and defensive, but I was OK with other people bfing in front of me, so I think yanbu, as at newborn age feeding times will be all over the place.

One of the reasons why many women find of difficult to establish bf is because many expectant parents have little or no experience of others breastfeeding around them. For example, many years ago children would have grown up seeing their mums, aunts and sisters breastfeeding so would have subtly picked up on how to breastfeed and had a strong support network. Nowadays, we grow up seeing bottle feeding, which is vastly different to bf in terms of positioning, timing of feeds etc. in the long run, your SIL would be better off seeing a successful breastfeeding relationship. It may help her if she wishes to attempt breastfeeding with subsequent children. It may also help open a dialogue between you and she can ask questions and possibly help her determine what went wrong for her.

Disclaimer: I'm not saying this will happen, but may happen. Obviously if she has strong feelings about the subject then sensitivity is needed. I don't think OP, you should go into a different room to feed, but I'm sure you wouldn't sit there boasting how easy you're finding it.

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable in this situation.

I think you just need to be sensitive to each other's feelings.

All perspectives on this are totally understandable.

I also think your mother deserves a lot of credit.

I'm suspecting sil will just avoid these early week get togethers if needs be and your mother doesn't want her or her grand daughter to feel pushed out. She probably also doesn't want to miss out on seeing said grand daughter.

At the end of the day sil will do what is best for her and all power to her,if she doesn't want to visit that is her call,you've got plenty of time to catch up with your brother once these first few months have flown by.

I'd be wary not to miss feeds as you are still in the establishing feeding stage. Therefore, I'd feed in front of her as often as required as your baby's needs come first.

If you start a precedence of leaving the room you might continue to be expected to do this. This may mean you missing out at family get togethers, Christmas etc

I would avoid ringing your brother too as what will you say if he asks you to feed elsewhere? You only had your baby 3 weeks ago so it shouldn't be all about them.

I wouldn't spend too long discussing
feeding and do try to be sensitive. However,it's only one aspect of parenting. My DS never slept well and I remember MIL's pride and jubilation when SIL's 3 week old slept through (whilst my 14 week old didn't). However, her being pleased for them didnt mean she was trying to rub it in for me.....As with many things the sleeping through didn't last! Now at 2 1/2 my DS sleeps better!

Leaving the room doesn't mean you have to miss feeds,soooo isn't an issue unless you're trying to make a point which would be rather silly for family karma in this situation.

If simply feeding in the kitchen or upstairs means everybody feels they're being thought of and will lead to more happy family get togethers with zero resentment and mil not being pulled in 2 directions then I really don't see the problem.

As I said earlier it may be you a few months down the line needing a bit of thought.

My dc were always fab sleepers and asleep by 7, dsil's were up until well past 10pm each and every night.We'd make ourselves scarce during the mammoth putting to bed saga. Consequently my dc would wake earlier in the morning whilst dsil's and sil would need to get up later and valued every extra bit of sleep undisturbed.

Instead of not giving sil's needs/feelings any thought we'd keep all 3 (under 18 months) quiet in their bedroom(not easy and quite stressful in a tiny cottage) or take them out for very early walks. Now there are behavioural issues re said cousins and we are very accommodating with that as well.

It's called consideration and as I said you will need some later on yourself I can guarantee.In my experience in life you get treated the way you treat people yourself so if you're considerate generally people are considerate back.

Depending on who else is there & if there´s a houseful, OP might prefer to go to a quiet room to feed anyway.

I don't usually advocate having to cover up BFing, but in this instance, could you feed from a sling or a cover? Just to make it less obvious and therefore not so much of a point? At least that way you wouldn't have to miss out on family time and if your SIL is sensitive, it would maybe be a buffer for her feelings?