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Original poster

Should i tell about her cheating?

77 replies

LiquidCosh · 17/08/2012 23:31

More of a WWYD really and Ive changed some of the details just in case as it is quite a sensitive issue but the basics are all true.
I've recently found out that the wife of my brother DSIL has cheated on him in the past on a number of occasions. The source of the information is completley relaible and trustworthy so theres no question as to its truth. My brother and I are not particularly close and if im really honest we dont get along very well. Theres no history of arguments or acrimony just a case of different personalities and lifestyles.
Would IBU to tell him and almost certainly split up a family (3 kids ranging from 3 to 10 years old) or should I continue to pretend I know nothing and hope that he finds out by some other source or not at all?
To my eternal shame I have known for a while that something wasnt right as this was strongly insinuated by another person to me about a year ago but I buried my head in the sand and didnt ask any questions or for any details. Coming clean now will mean that I will have to also admit how long I have known although I genuinely did only find out the exact circumstances until 2 days ago. Will he shoot the messenger, so to speak and never talk to me again or will he be glad that Ive told him despite the delay? I havent slept for 2 nights worrying about it.

OP posts:
frootshoots · 17/08/2012 23:32

Say nothing. Not your place to do so. Karma will see to her.

AgentZigzag · 17/08/2012 23:33

I wouldn't, I'd keep well out, he may well know anyway.

WorraLiberty · 17/08/2012 23:34

No I think that ship has sailed to be honest.

I personally would keep out of it...who knows he might even be burying his own head for the sake of your nieces/nephews?

Also I really hate the phrase 'reliable source'

If the 'reliable source' had your brother's best interest at heart, would they not have told him instead of telling you and god knows who else?

Original poster
LiquidCosh · 17/08/2012 23:35

Sorry should have added that telling will also out the person who told me (a friend of SIL) as this is the only way I could know some of the details I know

OP posts:
Kayano · 17/08/2012 23:35

I bet he knows

Viperidae · 17/08/2012 23:39

Say nothing, the phrase "shoot the messenger " was invented by the voice of experience.

Original poster
LiquidCosh · 17/08/2012 23:41

My initial reaction was exactly that, to keep out of it, but a conversation recently with my DB about another mutual friend (completley unrelated) about someone cheating has really put me in turmoil. I was saying to him that every time I see this girl I feel as though Im being a complete 2faced git and his reply was that unless its family then then I should keep out of it as its only family that matters. Sad

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 17/08/2012 23:43

I know it sounds a bit brutal, but you shouldn't be letting it keep you awake for two days, this is someone you don't really have a relationship or connection with (apart from blood), you haven't done anything wrong!

It'd be different if it was a close friend or family member who you cared for and was talking to on a regular basis knowing what you know, that would be wrong in my eyes.

But the situations are different.

If your parents are about do they know about your SIL?

WorraLiberty · 17/08/2012 23:45

I think you have to stop shouldering the blame for your SIL

She did the wrong doing not you.

You're just in the unfortunate position of knowing about it and I don't envy you.

Dammed if you do and probably dammed if you don't....but I'd go with the latter because there's every chance he knows anyway.

IvanaNap · 17/08/2012 23:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

Original poster
LiquidCosh · 17/08/2012 23:50

I have been thinking of telling my mum for some advice but then part of me thinks im just being selfish and wanting to share the burden because then she'd be in the same predicament as me.

I do love my brother despite the not being really close element. To be fair im not an easy person to be close to as im quite private and solitary but he has done loads of things in the past for me that only a family member would do and so I feel a bot like i owe him this iyswim

OP posts:
JumpingThroughHoops · 17/08/2012 23:53

You're listening to gossip. No good will come of it.

frootshoots · 17/08/2012 23:53

You are going to feel somewhat protective and loyal to your brother. But honestly, this isn't your tale to tell. He won't thank you for telling him, you'll somehow look like the bad guy. And if he does believe you, you'll be the bad guy for not telling him sooner - how on earth could you keep something like this from your brother?!

See?

It's a lose lose situation. Stay out. He will find out in time, and as others have said - there's a good chance he knows.

JumpingThroughHoops · 17/08/2012 23:55

3 kids ranging from 3 to 10 years

Zip it. Don;t even talk to your mother. It will all come back to haunt you.

Original poster
LiquidCosh · 17/08/2012 23:56

I had thought of pulling DSIL to the side and telling her that I know everything but then what if she denies it and tells DB what I have done? It feels like i'd be as bad as her for sneaking around behind his back.

IvanaNap that is something I hadnt thought of as any time I imagine confronting her I always imagine a huge row but that could be a way around that.

OP posts:
TiddlyBears · 17/08/2012 23:58

It depends entirely on your family dynamics. My brother and I are very close and I have always been very protective of him. I would tell him without a shadow of a doubt, and I'd support him (and the children) through the fallout. I know he would do the same for me, would yours?

AgentZigzag · 17/08/2012 23:59

You're in the same situation with your mum as well if she found out about it/that you knew Sad

Does the person who told you know your mum? Is anyone who knows you know likely to ever let on you knew to your mum?

I feel really sorry for you stuck in this shit, and none of it your own doing.

You'd have to be hard as nails not to want to stop someone getting more hurt than they have to, but unfortunately your DB will get hurt however it plays out, it's just a matter of when.

Unless your SIL changes the way she thinks about him and stops fucking him about.

Schoolworries · 18/08/2012 00:00

Hard one.

OP how would you feel if the situation was swapped? Would you be glad your brother told you or would you be angry?

Original poster
LiquidCosh · 18/08/2012 00:02

Thanks everyone, I feel like my mind is made up. I wont tell him but hopefully it will come out sooner rather than later as these things usually have a habit of doing anyway. Im finding it really hard to look either of them in the eyes at the minute tbh. Just out of curiosity anyone else been told this kind of thing by a family member and wished that they had never been told ? Is ignorance bliss?

OP posts:
peanutMD · 18/08/2012 00:12

Not exactly the same but I was debating this the other day.

A lady I know and speak to regularly as her DS is my DS' friend was going on and on the other day about how great her DH is and that they were celebrating 10 years of being blissfully in love etc. Then I met him and realised that I already knew him as he is a club bouncer who regularly runs off to the toilets/alley/car park for quickies with an ex-friend of mine! They also text each other regularly and will have cosey nights in when his wife thinks he doesn't get any weekends off...

I was so tempted because he smirked at me when he clicked but I just glared back to let him know I was aware, its not my place as I don't really have any sort of relationship to this woman and would probably cause more harm than good.

Original poster
LiquidCosh · 18/08/2012 00:14

AgentZigzag the person who told me has left the decision up to me (yeah thanks for that! ) If I dont tell and it does come out there is no way that anyone will ever know that I already knew and I'll probably have to put my GCSE drama into use and act as shocked and surprised as everyone else.

Schoolworries If the situation was reversed I honestly dont know how I would feel. Probably glad he'd told me but angry that it wasnt sooner because I know from experience that part of the feelings following a partners infedilety sp? is the humiliation that other people may have known and looked on you with pity

OP posts:
QuangleWangleQuee · 18/08/2012 00:14

The person who told you has put you in a horrible situation. Could you get back to them and say that you have not said anything as you don't know the ins and outs of it first hand and you don't want to split up a family with young children, but that you will understand if they feel they have to say something to him?

Krumbum · 18/08/2012 00:15

I think you should tell him. He's your brother.

AgentZigzag · 18/08/2012 00:15

'he smirked at me when he clicked'

Bouncer or not, you did well not to lamp the cheeky fucker peanut.

Schoolworries · 18/08/2012 00:19

From a different angle though, when I found out my ex was cheating I found it utterly humilating that quite a few people knew before I did.

Ever since then I am of the mind I would rather be told asap than be kept in the dark should something like that occur ever again.

Of course your db might feel humilated you did tell him, especially if he does know but just wants to stick his head in the sand.

Could you test the water? For example, Maybe make out that of your neighbours is cheating, and ask his advice that does he think you should tell the dh or not?

Let his response guide you...