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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should i tell about her cheating?

77 replies

LiquidCosh · 17/08/2012 23:31

More of a WWYD really and Ive changed some of the details just in case as it is quite a sensitive issue but the basics are all true.
I've recently found out that the wife of my brother DSIL has cheated on him in the past on a number of occasions. The source of the information is completley relaible and trustworthy so theres no question as to its truth. My brother and I are not particularly close and if im really honest we dont get along very well. Theres no history of arguments or acrimony just a case of different personalities and lifestyles.
Would IBU to tell him and almost certainly split up a family (3 kids ranging from 3 to 10 years old) or should I continue to pretend I know nothing and hope that he finds out by some other source or not at all?
To my eternal shame I have known for a while that something wasnt right as this was strongly insinuated by another person to me about a year ago but I buried my head in the sand and didnt ask any questions or for any details. Coming clean now will mean that I will have to also admit how long I have known although I genuinely did only find out the exact circumstances until 2 days ago. Will he shoot the messenger, so to speak and never talk to me again or will he be glad that Ive told him despite the delay? I havent slept for 2 nights worrying about it.

OP posts:

Schoolworries · 18/08/2012 00:21

X posts. Yes Op, that feeling of pity for me was unbearable. I felt like an utter mug.

omfgkillmenow · 18/08/2012 00:23

he knows. he just doesnt want to hear it. So dont say it.

Original poster

LiquidCosh · 18/08/2012 00:26

Ok thanks everyone for all the advice as I really have no one else I could have spoken to about this. I'll say nothing and take it to the grave with me. As a final thought though I must say that cheaters particularly those with families really sicken me. Why not just break off a relationship if you want to sleep around? Its something I've never understood. Do they not realise that their selfish actions have consequences beyond their own desires!

OP posts:

Wowserz129 · 18/08/2012 00:34

I am a big believer in stay out of other peoples business and I am all too aware of the messenger being shot!

However I would be devastated if I found out about firstly my other half cheating and then my sibling knowing and not telling me?

My issue is that someone cheating is humiliating as well as other things. I could not bear the thought of my sibling being humiliated and mugged off essentially.

Blood is thicker than water, if you can't trust your own family too look out for you and tell you the truth who can you?

ImperialBlether · 18/08/2012 00:35

I hated the fact other people knew and I didn't. I wish someone had told me. Having said that, I knew in a break up I would keep the children. I do think it's different telling your brother if this means he will have to live apart from his children. I'd have to say something to the SIL though.

Wowserz129 · 18/08/2012 00:35

Agree with school worries post 100%

EmbroideredCloths · 18/08/2012 01:20

If it was a friend or acquaintance I would stay quiet.

But my own brother? I would absolutely tell him.

I guess every family is different but in mine, we look after each other.

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 18/08/2012 05:01

If it was my own brother being cheated on I would tell. I really would and I suspect your brother expects it of you too. He did say to stay out of another situation as it was not family, this implies he does not expect you to stay out of his situation because he is family.

Can you really carry on, knowing she is cheating on him?

SundaeGirl · 18/08/2012 05:12

You are right, don't say a thing.

When it comes out, if anyone asks you if you knew, say No.

When they say, 'Oh, but I thought X told you', say, 'Well I really didn't believe it so I left it as gossip'.

Never, ever, ever become a player in this kind of drama if you can possibly help it.

shorttermnamechange · 18/08/2012 08:09

I would tell my brother. I would tell him what I had heard and i would tell him who I had heard it from. I would tell him that I was making no judgement about whether this info was true or not, but that I felt he had a right to know what was being said. Then I would leave it alone.

I would hate to think that other people knew more about my marriage than I did and had kept that information from me. What he does with this info is his business, but I think he has the right to know it.

NurseBernard · 18/08/2012 08:22

How can you not tell him?

As upset and humiliated and, well, livid as I would be to find out about being cheated on, I'd be way more so if I found out a sibling knew and kept it from me.

It's a hideous situation - it truly is damned if you do and damned if you don't, but to keep him in the dark over this undoubtedly edges out telling him as the worst option.

CrapBag · 18/08/2012 08:22

Personally if I was in your brothers position and one of my siblings knew DH was cheating on me, I would want to know and if I found out later and also found out that they knew but kept quiet, I would be quite hurt.

whois · 18/08/2012 08:29

Don't tell. There is a difference between 'knowing' and KNOWING.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 18/08/2012 08:33

repercussions of 3 children in a broken family?

SIL might be one of those who blocks access, wont let extended family see the children.

I find it amazing nearly all of you would not tell a friend, but would have a hand in destroying your own extended family.

Other peoples marriages are the business of the two people in it. No one else.

Unless you are a witness, yourself, it remains "gossip", and gossip should never be spread.

almost certainly split up a family (3 kids ranging from 3 to 10 years old)

Your brother will hold it against you, your SIL will undoubtedly hate you, and your nephews and nieces when old enough will hate you for destroying their childhood. Of course it isn't your fault, but if you dabble, I'm pretty sure you will regret it because they will project all the blame onto you.

bubalou · 18/08/2012 08:47

If u were very close I would suggest telling him straight away.

Based on your relationship I would avoid telling him. Like the others say I'm sure he already knows or has his suspicions.

Can you send him an anonymous letter telling him what you know?

ImperialBlether · 18/08/2012 09:12

Why do people say they're sure he knows? What's this based on? Don't you think if he knew he'd do something about it?

Safire · 18/08/2012 09:44

Can't you have a word with SIL and tell her to either tell your DB or you will?

Tanith · 18/08/2012 09:46

When my mum finally discovered that my dad had numerous affairs over the years, one of the things that really hurt was that practically everyone seemed to have known except her.
They would tell her they weren't surprised; that they'd seen him holding hands, out with other women.
Mum felt she'd been made a fool of.

I can't advise you on what to do as you know your family best.
I think I would have told my mum, though, and saved her all that extra hurt and humiliation.

WitchOfEndor · 18/08/2012 10:10

I would tell my DB if I knew DSIL was cheating, at the very least I would have a word with her. I've been in the position of other people knowing about xH cheating before I did, I wish someone had told me earlier.

SoleSource · 18/08/2012 10:38

I think you will regret telling tales.

MadamFolly · 18/08/2012 16:19

I like the idea of an anonymous letter. What do you think the custody arrangements might be if they split?

Original poster

LiquidCosh · 18/08/2012 22:24

MadamFolly i think the idea of an anonymous letter is probably what i am going to do. As others have said I think the hurt and humiliation when/if he finds out would be too much for me to witness knowing that I could have done something.

To answer a few questions about our family dynamics the rest of the family, my siblings and parents all think that SIL is the best thing since sliced bread as she does a good impression of being caring and helpful and they wont hear a bad word said against her.

Also I am just about as sure as I can be that DB has absolutley no idea. He too thinks his wife is perfect!

OP posts:

GhostShip · 18/08/2012 22:30

If I found out my brother was being cheated on I'd do well not to kill her, and I'd most defo tell him. But they'd because we're very close and I'm overly protective.

You say you don't really see him and don't get on well, do you know how well their relationship is going?

I'd make sure she knew that I knew, if I were you.

GhostShip · 18/08/2012 22:31

No no no don't do the anonymous letter. It'll open all cans of worms.

There'll be arguments, she'll deny it, if he believes her he'll be paranoid and on edge... That's not good for the kids to be seeing all that.

GhostShip · 18/08/2012 22:31

They'll also think someone's out to get them.

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