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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should i tell about her cheating?

77 replies

LiquidCosh · 17/08/2012 23:31

More of a WWYD really and Ive changed some of the details just in case as it is quite a sensitive issue but the basics are all true.
I've recently found out that the wife of my brother DSIL has cheated on him in the past on a number of occasions. The source of the information is completley relaible and trustworthy so theres no question as to its truth. My brother and I are not particularly close and if im really honest we dont get along very well. Theres no history of arguments or acrimony just a case of different personalities and lifestyles.
Would IBU to tell him and almost certainly split up a family (3 kids ranging from 3 to 10 years old) or should I continue to pretend I know nothing and hope that he finds out by some other source or not at all?
To my eternal shame I have known for a while that something wasnt right as this was strongly insinuated by another person to me about a year ago but I buried my head in the sand and didnt ask any questions or for any details. Coming clean now will mean that I will have to also admit how long I have known although I genuinely did only find out the exact circumstances until 2 days ago. Will he shoot the messenger, so to speak and never talk to me again or will he be glad that Ive told him despite the delay? I havent slept for 2 nights worrying about it.

OP posts:

QuangleWangleQuee · 18/08/2012 22:31

This is such a difficult one. What if you send the anon letter and they split up and the woman blocks access to his children or something. Mightn't you end up thinking that he would have been happier in blissful ignorance and being with his children until they grow up? I do understand what people are saying about being hurt that people knew but didn't say anything though.

AgentZigzag · 18/08/2012 22:32

Out of all the options you have to deal with this, an anonymous letter is the worst.

I can understand why you think it would solve the problem for you, but if you feel anything for your brother, please don't make him even more paranoid not knowing who could send such a thing to him.

He'd get this letter (if he doesn't know about his wife) out of the blue and it'd rip his world apart but he'd have nobody to lean on and support him.

Remember his first reaction wouldn't be to think everyone knows, so he might not feel able to talk to anyone about it, that's if he believes what it said, if everyone thinks the sun shines out of his wifes arse he might swallow all the flannel she'd give him about it.

beagreassive · 18/08/2012 23:06

This blocking access thing: do you not have a court system to prevent that? In all seriousness, that is disgusting! I'm in a different country, and one or the other parent can TRY to block access, but they have to prove the other parent is shit to actually DO it. Is there no protection for fathers in your country at all?

beagreassive · 18/08/2012 23:10

Oh, also: I'd go and tell him that you have been told this, that you don't want to believe it and that no matter what happens you're there for him. These aren't games. If you goin saying "Sarah is a cheating whore" you will cause damage. If you go in saying "I'm really concerned about the things I've been hearing about Sarah, and want to help you. Is there anything you need to talk about?" you will help him and possibly her, maybe even saving the marriage. Cheating doesn't have to be the last dance in a marriage, sometimes people can use it as a catalyst to change. Been there, done that, both in my own first marriage and with my sisters relationship (they married later, after the cheating, and once they'd done some pretty serious work to fix their issues).

Original poster

LiquidCosh · 18/08/2012 23:11

Actually agent what you say makes a lot of sense as shes so sneaky that she would probably worm her way out of it anyway. ok so saying nothing and hoping that she trips herself up somehow or gets found out eventually seems to be the consensus. I do think that she would make access to the kids as difficult as possible for him and if they split he would have no where really to go. Too much hurt and mayhem for the kids especially if I tell so thats that. For my own sanity I need to put this in a box somewhere in my brain and throw away the key!

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 18/08/2012 23:19

I think that would be the right thing to do Liquid, I can understand how you must feel as though you have to do something about it though, sitting on this kind of explosive information is a horrible thing for your SIL to dump on you.

Best scenario is that they drift apart and your brother makes the choice for himself to leave her.

BellaOfTheBalls · 18/08/2012 23:21

Don't say anything. The truth will out eventually. Strained relationship or not you run the risk of your DB siding with her, becoming the bad guy and making every family function impossible from here to kingdom come.

I'm sure many, many people have been in the situation previously. In my experience it is always the ones who say something who come out worse off.

lovebunny · 18/08/2012 23:25

i'd keep quiet, i think. firstly, its only hearsay. secondly, your relationship with your brother might well end if you tell him, whether he believes you or not.

but - someone phoned me and told me my then-husband was having an affair. it was the evidence i needed to throw him out. maybe your brother is looking for an opportunity.

i suppose you could approach it as 'i heard something that worried me... i don't know if it's true...'

NovackNGood · 18/08/2012 23:25

Of course you should let him know. He's your brother and family.

iscream · 19/08/2012 02:52

In an ideal world tv drama, a few of your friends would meet her in a dark alley and give her the message in a way she'll remember. Joking...sort of.

It turns out my brothers wife did cheat on him, several times, and he knew and forgave her. He did not tell us until she left him years later.

It is hard to know when kids are involved, and he did say that about family should tell. I think I'd do what you think he'd want rather than what you feel most comfortable with.

iscream · 19/08/2012 02:53

Oh yes, true, it is heresay, so maybe tell your sister in law what her so called friend told you. What if it is nothing but gossip?

iscream · 19/08/2012 02:54

*hearsay

MrsRhettButler · 19/08/2012 03:23

Can't believe so many people are saying don't tell!

Its your brother! I would tell him straight away! What the fuck are sisters for if not this sort of thing? No way could I let my brother stay in the dark about this, he has the chance to get on with his life knowing the truth, I would never forgive a family member who knew I'd been cheated on and not told me

Kabooooom · 19/08/2012 03:24

Honesty is the best policy.

If my sister knew, and didn't tell me, I wouldn't trust her. If I found out my sisters partner was cheating on her, I would march down there and rip his head off not literally and then back my sister up. No fucker takes her for a fool and gets away with it. You can't just allow it to happen and turn a blind eye for the sake of the kids for crying out loud. Staying together just for the kids etc has been shown to hurt the children in more ways than one in the long run.

And don't count on him finding out eventually. That is not always the case.

MrsRhettButler · 19/08/2012 03:34

Precisely kabooooom, I'm astounded so many posters would keep their own family in the dark!

GhostShip · 19/08/2012 10:22

The thing is it could be nothing more than gossip ^

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 19/08/2012 11:54

Isn't the key phrase here "in the past" ? Maybe she had a fling or one night stand or something that she bitterly regrets, she hasn't so much as looked at another man since it happened, and you would rip the family apart for nothing. You don't know anything apart from gossip, and from your sil's "friend" at thaht some fucking friend she is maybe this so called friend propositioned your brother and when he turned her down, this is her revenge? There are a million things that could be going on, or not going on here, and you don't know shit. Leave it alone.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 19/08/2012 12:15

Sending a letter is spineless and gutless.

KenLeeeeeee · 19/08/2012 12:25

Personally, if it was MY brother I would tell him. But then I'm very close to my brother and phenomenally protective of him especially as his current gf is batshit crazy.

In your DB's position, I would be devastated to find that others had known about a partner's infidelity and made a conscious decision to keep it from me. However, given that you only know about it from another person (and not from catching her in the act yourself), I think it would be wiser to confront HER about it, tell her what you've been told and that you think the only decent thing she could do now is to 'fess up to your brother.

Kabooooom · 19/08/2012 12:36

The OP has already said she has been suspicious for some time.

If that was my sister, I really wouldn't be happy.

She may not know it is definitely true. But neither does she know that it isn't. I am very shocked to hear that many would just do absolutely fuck all if this was their sibling. This is why I would march around there, taking this source with me and having it out with the supposed cheater. You would soon know if it is true or not.

Saying things like "breaking up a family" etc, like it would be the OP's fault, well no, it wouldn't. It will be her SIL 's fault for deceiving and lying to her brother by dropping her knickers more than once and repeatedly breaking his trust.

Adults matter too. You can't just stay quiet to keep the family together for the sake of the children. If she is being a dirty little weasel, then he has every right to know. What about the risk to his sexual health? How is it fair to keep something so big from him, which could be damaging to his own health?

Nope, sorry. If my sister allowed it to carry on, I would lose respect and trust for her.

MrMiyagi · 19/08/2012 12:50

Is there some sort of sisterhood thing going on? "Should I tell him she's cheating?" always gets a different answer to "should I tell her he's cheating?"

AgentZigzag · 19/08/2012 12:51

Although I said I thought it'd be a bad idea for the OPs brother to get an anonymous letter because it might hurt him more, the thread is about the OP and the best way to deal with it for her.

There's a greater risk her relationship with her brother would deteriorate even more if he wasn't completely grateful she'd told him, than if she left it and waited to see how things play out.

By the sounds of it there are safety in numbers with so many other people sharing responsibility for the brother not knowing, and none of it through their own doing.

Original poster

LiquidCosh · 20/08/2012 00:19

just to dispel any thoughts that it is all gossip or hearsay I will add that the person who told me heard it from the horses mouth and so theres no way its not true unless she is some sort of weirdo who likes to make things like that up! And even worse is the fact that she told this friend it in a bragging way rather than an "im so sorry for what ive done" sort of way which only makes me hate her even more.

So my options as i see it are to march round to their house tell everything I know and just deal with the consequences for my DB, his kids, his marriage and for our relationship or to keep it to myself and hope that perhaps it was just a one off. To be honest I just dont think I could cope with the fallout and I realise that that this makes me a disloyal selfish sister but its something i suppose i'll just have to learn to live with

OP posts:

Paiviaso · 20/08/2012 09:22

I don't think you should tell him, or write an anonymous letter, or any such plan.

It is second hand information. And they have children. I would not in anyway want to be involved with the breakup of my niece's and nephew's home. Yes, she is doing wrong IF it is true, and maybe your brother will find out eventually. But for now, ignorance is bliss.

It is not your problem, and you did not witness these events yourself, leave it alone.

SoSoMamanBebe · 20/08/2012 09:34

fruitshoots karma doesn't exist! It's what people use to make themselves feel better.

It's a tricky one. I'd tell SiL that I know and giver her a fright.

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