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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Today is the day h cheated, Aibu?

65 replies

Jamandcheese · 17/08/2012 05:35

Am I right to be annoyed? Today is the day h cheated on me.

He had a work thing to go to and said he would come home after that. He has now emailed and said that his work colleague, who I know very well, has said that they could go out and he could stay over.

I know he has asked me if it's ok and said that if I say no he will come home. But shouldn't he know that today is o hard for me. That I should come first for him. I'm not here to tell him his responsibilities, am I?

OP posts:
SleepyFergus · 17/08/2012 05:42

Don't understand ... How do you know he has/is going to cheat?

maddening · 17/08/2012 05:44

just say no

take it is the anniversary?

Original poster
Jamandcheese · 17/08/2012 05:44

Sorry....brain isn't working. Today is exactly one year since he cheated on me

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 17/08/2012 05:44

I suspect it's an anniversary, SleepyFergus, rather than the actual day.

Thumbwitch · 17/08/2012 05:45

xposted.

Jam - does he know it's the anniversary? would he even remember?

SleepyFergus · 17/08/2012 05:47

Ah, apologies. Bf has addled my brain....

Original poster
Jamandcheese · 17/08/2012 05:49

He knows. We've spoken about it as I've been feeling crap for a while with this day coming up. I've had to up my anti depressant dose to cope with it.

Why should I have to tell him what his responsibilities are? He's off having a jolly. And I'm here dealing with knowing what he was doing at this time last year.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 17/08/2012 06:45

Suspect he feels ashamed and can't face you

shoppingbagsundereyes · 17/08/2012 06:50

Why would reminding him of it help anything? You chose to stay with him so presumably you've agreed to try and put it past you? Keeping an anniversary will help no one imo

JumpingThroughHoops · 17/08/2012 06:51

What would you do if he were home? exactly what difference does him being at home make?

EasilyBored · 17/08/2012 06:56

I imagine he was embarrassed and didn't want to face it.

I would say though, If you really want to continue in the relationship, and move past thia, I would try not to turn it into a kind of morbid anniversary that you dwell on and hold over his head. Obviously one year is a big deal, and the hurt is still fresh, so thats easier said than done.

JumpingThroughHoops · 17/08/2012 07:02

I can't see what you hope to achieve by mulling it over constantly in your head.

Obviously you are still together, I assume you want the relationship to work? So perpetually replaying it in your head isn't doing you, him or the relationship much good.

Do you trust him? because if you don't, and I say this time after time, you don't have a relationship at all.

Sirzy · 17/08/2012 07:04

I think as you have obviously made the decision to continue the relationship then making an issue about such 'anniversaries' will only create further tension.

danteV · 17/08/2012 07:45

I think you should let it go. What he did was shit. But marking the occasions as anniversaries and thinking about what he was doing one year ago today, is going to drive you insane.
If you are actually you going to work on the relationship, then you need to move on from this sort of thing.

BelleDameSansMerci · 17/08/2012 07:50

Hmmm... Don't agree. OK to go out but to stay over? Bit insensitive!

StealthPolarBear · 17/08/2012 07:52

Either he's embarrassed or could he have forgotten the date? Either way it's no bad thing IMO

AmberLeaf · 17/08/2012 08:03

I agree with Belle. Rather insensitive but tbh he probably doesn't even know what date he did the deed much less remember it now!

NumericalMum · 17/08/2012 08:03

If you have forgiven him and moved on then you should not make a big deal about it. If you haven't then you should split up or deal with it properly through counselling etc.

A person doesn't cheat by mistake so him being out is neither here not there IMHO.

AnyFucker · 17/08/2012 08:07

it doesn't matter whether the "anniversary" is a big deal to this bloke, it is obviously a big deal to OP and she has told him so

so, instead of trying to do what might help her, he does the "I won't do it if you tell me not to" emotional blackmail trick

not really the actions of someone who is truly sorry for what they have done, is it ?

StealthPolarBear · 17/08/2012 08:09

she has told him??

LindyHemming · 17/08/2012 08:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 17/08/2012 08:11

yes, look at the 05:49 post

JumpingThroughHoops · 17/08/2012 08:16

Living in the past doesnt help anyone IMHO.

O/T it is very difficult sometimes, using a written medium where there is no eye contact or body language to convey exactly what you would say to person standing in front of you. If my friend were standing in front of me with this problem, she would get some hard hitting plain talking, but of course my friends know they will get that. Here, I often think posters want agreement and sympathy, which may or may not be the right course of action. Some people need it spelled out but you run the risk of coming across as very very hard, non-empathetic, even cruel when you don;t know anything about the poster other than a one line snapshot of their life.

StealthPolarBear · 17/08/2012 08:22

yes true. OK so he knew this was coming up and he knew you felt bad about it. so he chose to go out and avoid it rather than dfacing you. A bit crap.

NameChangeGalore · 17/08/2012 08:23

Why would you want to remember such a date? You stayed together in the end didn't you? So why bring up the past to rub his face in? If you can't trust him then there's no reason for you to be together, it's bad for him and it's obviously bad for you.