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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Today is the day h cheated, Aibu?

65 replies

Jamandcheese · 17/08/2012 05:35

Am I right to be annoyed? Today is the day h cheated on me.

He had a work thing to go to and said he would come home after that. He has now emailed and said that his work colleague, who I know very well, has said that they could go out and he could stay over.

I know he has asked me if it's ok and said that if I say no he will come home. But shouldn't he know that today is o hard for me. That I should come first for him. I'm not here to tell him his responsibilities, am I?

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 17/08/2012 08:25

I would be upset. But then again i don't think i could have forgiven this time last year. We're all different.

I think it's shit of him to ask you what he 'should' do. I agree there.

mayaswell · 17/08/2012 08:25

jumping that's what I thought.
jam, do you think he's not moving on? Are you at home with a baby?

NumericalMum · 17/08/2012 08:28

Perhaps look at it from his POV. He can come home tonight and know he is going to be made to feel guilty and miserable or avoid it all at a friend's house.

fluffyraggies · 17/08/2012 08:29

There's a difference between 'living in the past' and respecting your partners feelings though. This isn't the 3rd or 4th aniversary - this is last summer we're talking about.

Would allot of people really forget the day one year on that they were hurt that badly?

StealthPolarBear · 17/08/2012 08:30

He may feel guilty. That does't mean the OP is making him feel guilty.
I can feel some sympathy for him if he's just struggling to look her in the eye. But not if they've discussed it and she's said that what she needs is his support.

TandB · 17/08/2012 08:34

It sounds like he is being a bit of a twat about it, but I don't think creating an anniversary of his infidelity is going to help you or the relationship at all.

I don't buy this "if you forgive someone you get over it and move on" idea. I don't think forgiveness is a line that you cross and never look back - I think it's probably an ongoing process for most people.

BUT, I don't think an artificial thing like an infidelity anniversary is part of that process. He is always going to have cheated - every day, not just one day a year. I would have thought that bringing it up purely because of the date would be a step backwards. Surely the times when you need to be talking about it are the times when you are working on the relationship and thinking about the way forward.

Reminding him of it just because of the date is probably just going to seem like you think he is going to do it again and need to keep him with you. If you do think that then there are bigger problems than the date for you to be dealing with. If you don't think that, then this is just another day when you either trust that this man is committed to you for the future, or you don't.

QuintessentialShadows · 17/08/2012 08:35

Yabu. Either move on our move out of the relationship, dwelling does not help.

Is he insensitive in other ways?

What persuaded you to stay in the relationship?

JugglingWithFiveRings · 17/08/2012 08:47

If you'd really like him to be home tonight you could ask him to come home as planned after the work do.
Or, you could show generosity and trust and say it's OK for him to stay with his friend if you feel it is.
It could be good for him to be out, especially if you could have a sympathetic friend round for the evening ?
He might find the anniversary difficult too - probably better to try and let the date slip into the mists of time after this year - but I'm not good with dates myself so don't remember many.
Hope things work out OK for you over the weekend and this evening

Chictactoe · 17/08/2012 08:56

Im sorry and I may be VU but there is no way I would be happy with my DH sleeping over at another womans house. He is a grown man and sleepovers between male and female stop before puberty. How many of you would be comfy with your 13 year old daughter sleeping over at a boyfriends house.

Affair or not op, I would say no ways would I be happy with it.

JugglingWithFiveRings · 17/08/2012 09:03

Oh, is it a female colleague ? I just thought it was the staying out bit that was the issue ? ... so, I imagined at a mate's house ?

Chictactoe · 17/08/2012 09:08

Oh sorry Blush I assumed it was a female work colleague which is what the issue was.

If its a male colleague then Im afraid I think you need to forgive him and try and not hold onto anniversaries, etc or you will never be able to let it go.

JumpingThroughHoops · 17/08/2012 09:08

Where did it say at a female colleagues house?

Bumblebee333 · 17/08/2012 09:12

It's not a female's house is it? I didn't pick up on that.

OP - I think if you chose to stay with him then you have to stop bringing it up to him. Is it the fact its on the same day or the fact he is going out? It would be incredibly stupid of him to cheat again so what exactly are you worried about? I know it must really hurt and he does have to build up trust but it can't all be one sided you have to make an effort to fully forgive him. Otherwise you are just waiting to him to cheat again and you will never be happy.

x

cumbria81 · 17/08/2012 09:16

I don't think it matters whether he stays at a male or females (and for God's sake, of course men can stay over with female friends [hmmm], doesn't mean they are cheating) either you trust him or you don't.

tethersend · 17/08/2012 09:41

If he's cheated on her, I'm surprised that he thinks staying at a mate's house is appropriate on any night, TBH.

CommaChameleon · 17/08/2012 10:05

Emailing you is a bit odd. Why didn't he ring you?

You don't have to remind him of the anniversary but can you not call and say that you would like him to come home rather than stay out overnight.

And then perhaps look into some sort of counselling to help you both move on a little from what happened. I understand why you would remember the anniversary but it sounds like it still has a strong hold on you that counselling might help you to let go.

QuintessentialShadows · 17/08/2012 10:16

I agree that a cheating partner has lost the driveler to stay out over night.

ImperialBlether · 17/08/2012 11:23

Is the colleague female?

I'd be tempted to say he should come home, mind the kids while you go out with your friends.

JumpingThroughHoops · 17/08/2012 11:26

OP has double posted in Relationships and gone to a hotel for the night.

HildaOgden · 17/08/2012 11:30

CommaChameleon,I thought the same...why is email the form of communication?.If he is avoiding actually speaking to you today op,then it's because he wants to avoid the situation/row/deep discussion that today is bringing up for you.

It doesn't matter really what date the infidelity occured on,its the issues it has left behind.I think you should try not to place too much emphasis on the date because otherwise you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of dreading August 17th.(its wont be just that day that stresses you,it will be the whole month leading up to it every year).

Have you had any relationship counselling to get through this?

geegee888 · 17/08/2012 11:32

Sorry, I must be very strict or something, but I simply wouldn't allow my DH to email me, go out and stay over with a colleague on such an "anniversary". By "not allowing it" I would mean I'd leave, change the locks or lay down the law in unmistakable terms. Obviously, other's circumstances may vary but I think he's taking the piss, sorry.

BulldogDrummond · 17/08/2012 11:32

Be thankful that you still have him and make the most of what you have. It's coming up to the anniversary of the day I lost my DDH so think you have nothing to complain be sad/miserable about.

HipHopOpotomus · 17/08/2012 11:34

It sound like he is avoiding you.
It is unfair to make it your choice, like he is asking for your permission, or he will come home if you say so. That sucks!

SmellsLikeWhiteSpirit · 17/08/2012 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tethersend · 17/08/2012 13:20

Good point SmellsLikeWhiteSpirit (great name BTW), but surely the onus is on the one who cheated to earn back the trust?

Otherwise, it's one party saying, "I cheated, I'm sorry, now forgive me and trust me implicitly or lose me for good" isn't it?