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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For feeling that one child is not enough?

52 replies

mamafridi · 16/08/2012 20:53

I had a lot of fertility problems and after 6 long years of trying I finally had my daughter. I was in my 40s when I gave birth and knew that she was most probably going to be an only child and I made peace with that fact...until that is I came back to live in the UK.

Just having been here a few months I can't get over the underlying pressure there is here to have more than one. And that there is something not quite right with a woman if she says she is happy with one.

To be honest I just feel so grateful to have been able to have had my DD at all as I really believed that I was never going to be a mum. So why can't some women just accept that there are a section of other women that are satisfied with just one child and stop judging!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 16/08/2012 20:54

do you really think women in the UK are that different from wherever you were before? Or are your own feelings changing?

hermionestranger · 16/08/2012 20:54

If you have two you still get asked when you are having another. So I think its just conversation to some people, don't feel it as pressure.

MulberryMoon · 16/08/2012 20:55

YANBU, although thread title looks like you are saying the opposite (which would also NBU.) Where were you before just out of interest?

JumpingThroughHoops · 16/08/2012 21:02

And that there is something not quite right with a woman if she says she is happy with one.

Not everyone wants any children, let alone one. Same as not every woman wants two, three, four etc.

On child is now quite normal for working families who cannot afford more than one child.

wimblehorse · 16/08/2012 21:02

I'm not sure if you're saying that one IS enough for you and you're fed up of other people disagreeing. Or if you do still think that your family is not complete.

Tee2072 · 16/08/2012 21:03

I have never felt pressured to have another child.

Where do people feel this pressure from, exactly? Family? Friends? Strangers on the street?!?!

KellyElly · 16/08/2012 21:06

I don't want any more kids and when I say I won't have more than one quite a few people tell me I'll change my mind! YANBU there is a view that everyone who has kids must want at least two.

Krumbum · 16/08/2012 21:07

I am always shocked how in rl and on mn people say it is actually cruel to have only one child. It's ridiculous. Maybe it is a British thing. It really annoys me that people are so judgemental about it. All their bullshit reasons why kids need a sibling never make sense either.
My mum does not get on with her 6 siblings, they make her deeply unhappy. They do not help look after my nan only my mum does. There ya go she did not 'need' siblings.
Ignore the pressure it's weird and intrusive.

numbertaker · 16/08/2012 21:11

I had one child, and had some nice comments, I just said I have lost three so there. But, I always wanted more than one, four acutally so I felt pretty bad myself.

drtachyon · 16/08/2012 21:12

I think that some people just ask if you're having another because they're trying to make conversation and can't think of anything more sensible to ask. It's not unusual these days for families to only have one child.

I've never asked someone this question unless they've asked me first, but a number of times at baby / toddler groups I've had this sort of conversation:

Other mum: (knowing the DS is my first and only child) So are you going to have any more children?

Me: We'd like one, but we'll have to see if it happens. How about you?

Other mum: I probably can't have any more because of my age (gives me a "how insensitive of you to ask" look)

Krumbum · 16/08/2012 21:17

Being asked isn't a huge issue. It's people who talk openly but not directly at you saying 'oh my child needs a sibling, I just don't think having an only child is fair, who will they play with? It's a bit selfish to only have one, you might as well not have any' etc.

Original poster
mamafridi · 16/08/2012 21:18

I suppose there is regret in my comment. Had things worked out and I hadn't had fertility problems then yes I might have tried for another baby and it hurts a bit to be reminded.
Yes it probably is only a way to pass the time of day by asking if my dd is the only one and for certain they see that I'm a certain age and perhaps assume I'd have an older child tucked away somewhere else.

I lived in Italy (north) and many families have one child so it's been a bit of a cultural shock to be faced with so many of those buggies that hold two or more babies.

I spent most of my 30s being asked why I didn't have any children which was tough and now it seems the one I have is not enough!

But as a lot of you pointed out it probably has to do with regret.

OP posts:
Napdamnyou · 16/08/2012 21:25

I am 41 and get this too. I wasn't a parent before obviously so have no idea if this is normal conversational stuff between random parents or people who see you with a child or children. I think I am sensitive to it as am a bit ambivalent about it...my age means a second is unlikely and I found the baby stage very hard - DS never slept through night until 17 months and I was exhausted. Not sure I could do it again...but I also worry about DS being an only child. I am trying to make my peace with it but the queries from strangers and friends do sting a bit.

As I said, I think it is because I am sensitive and conflicted about the subject that I notice it. But I think it is just a normal conversational gambit in most cases and not meant unkindly.

grumpykat · 16/08/2012 21:28

Yup. Lonely only and all that? Everyone tells me I'll change my mind, or that it's a bit cruel blah blah blah.
Like you I feel blessed to have dd, we were told we'd never have another child and the one shot at icsi magically worked.
Smile and nod, smile and nod........

Original poster
mamafridi · 16/08/2012 21:35

Napdamnyou, I relate completely! I too had an exhausting first year and I really don't know if I could knowingly go through it all again. But, and this might sting a bit so sorry for this, but maybe it's because we are in our 40s...
All I hope is that I will truly accept my situation and that we can still be happy as a family with one child.

OP posts:
NapaCab · 16/08/2012 21:41

YANBU - family size is a private matter. Personally I think people who choose to have larger families are odd (said as someone who grew up in a family of 6) in this day and age with good contraception and an overpopulated planet but I would never express that to them directly and would keep my opinions to myself as to do otherwise would be rude.

People should do the same with smaller families or the child-free and not pass comment because you ever know what people have experienced in life.

I had a former colleague in a similar situation to you, OP, with 1 child conceived through IVF in her 40s. People were so rude saying 'wouldn't your daughter like a sibling?' or 'do you regret leaving it too late?' and so on. It's just something people shouldn't comment on but they do so you have to just ignore, ignore, ignore....

charlottehere · 16/08/2012 21:41

People judge all the time, if it wasn't about that it would be something else. Just concentrate on your DD> Smile

balotelli · 16/08/2012 21:42

we thought long and hard about stopping at one and having seen many of our friends go on to have 2 or three kids we now know we made the right decision..

We will make a brilliant job of nurturing our one child giving her all the love and attention she needs and wants rather than having to spread ourselves between more children..

Since making the choice we have never regretted it and now have so much more of a happy family life with one child, seeing so many parents struggling to cope with 2-3 kids when out reaffirms our choice every day.

You need to try and see it as a positive thing rather than feel pressure from 'everyone' else.

If they have a problem with it then its their problem not yours.

Minshu · 16/08/2012 21:43

I'm nearly 38 and would love another child. DD is nearly 3 and I'm constantly being asked when the next one is coming, etc. I've started telling people that we've now been trying for 18 months and I'm getting close to giving up as a way to shut them up. Never realised how tactless my innocent questions were in these situations before Blush

Families come in all sizes and formations, with different levels of happiness. I need to learn to accept the good fortune I have.

charlottehere · 16/08/2012 21:45

See ballotelli's post is an example of how people judge everything. Hmm

Babyrabbits · 16/08/2012 21:48

It's a conversation........god no, we like sleep, two's enough, my dh has been snipped.
Usualy make people smile. ........then they talk about the weather.

You need to say. No we are so lucky to have ( no 1) never thought we would be blessed.

fishandlilacs · 16/08/2012 21:53

I love my 7 m old DS (DC2) very much but given the gift of foresight I would have not had another child. DH convinced me that it was good idea but now I'm skinter, fatter, unhealthier and more knackered than ever. I lost my job while pregnant and my prospects of getting another which is worthwhile are almost nil it feels. The emotional investment in terms of my relationship with DD has been huge and I have found it very hard. If I had known how much are struggling I would have dug my heels further and said no. I wouldnt be without him, he is my sunshine but even sometimes that feels a bit hollow.

Sorry that turned into a rant but what i'm trying to say is that sometimes one is the right decision.

Anyone who puts pressure on you otherwise can eff off.

Lilithmoon · 16/08/2012 22:01

I think this is a thing. We have one and will not be having any more. When she was a toddler people often asked when we were having another; I always replied never. This was often met with a condescending 'that's what everyone says, you'll change your mind. Hmm

JugglingWithFiveRings · 16/08/2012 22:04

It's probably easy for me to say but I think I'd answer any queries with an honest, positive answer like "Oh, we just feel very lucky to have DD" Smile
Other Mums at toddler group are just rambling randomly !

goldmedalmother · 16/08/2012 22:06

Mama, I don't know how old your dd is now but people do ask less once they are 4,5 or 6 and it becomes more obvious they are going to be an only child.
I do still have awkward conversations where people ask 'so how old are your others?' or 'have you got any more' and I say no and they look a bit unsure about how to respond.

I am the same as you in that I am grateful for a child I thought I wouldn't be able to have but a few of my friends seem to struggle with that and don't get how I can't want more. Maybe if circumstances were different I would.

Fwiw my 'only' loves things as they are (obviously he's never known any different but still...) and positively doesn't want a sibling. Now maybe when he's an adult he'll wish he had one but I don't know.

Don't believe the stereotypes either - onlies can play by themselves for a good chunk of time if they get used to this a little and very happily so. Of course sometimes you have to step in for a board game or football kick about and I'm very happy to do that but you don't have to be their playmate all day.

Equally you don't have to break up squabbles either.

Plus mine definitely isn't spoilt. Nor does he struggle socially. Downside might be he is a little less used to having to share who decides things but he still has to share those decisions with us and I think we are aware of the issue so counter it enough.