For feeling that one child is not enough?

[mamafridi]

I had a lot of fertility problems and after 6 long years of trying I finally had my daughter. I was in my 40s when I gave birth and knew that she was most probably going to be an only child and I made peace with that fact...until that is I came back to live in the UK.

Just having been here a few months I can't get over the underlying pressure there is here to have more than one. And that there is something not quite right with a woman if she says she is happy with one.

To be honest I just feel so grateful to have been able to have had my DD at all as I really believed that I was never going to be a mum. So why can't some women just accept that there are a section of other women that are satisfied with just one child and stop judging!

I have 1 ds after 7 years of ivf and 3 miscarriages. I used to stutter and struggle whenever anyone asked me "that question". Then I read a great reply to it on here and have used it ever since. When asked if I al ever going to give my child a sibling I look at them and say "I can't improve on perfection so why would I" it usually works lol!!! I do feel your pain though it's not easy

Broody momma - that's lovely! I must say I feel so much better hearing all your views and knowing that I'm not alone in feeling them.

"We will make a brilliant job of nurturing our one child giving her all the love and attention she needs and wants rather than having to spread ourselves between more children.."

I've got two and I think you are not wrong in the above comment balotelli I know when I had a baby and a toddler I just wasn't able to give either of them the time and attention that they would have had if they were onlies. I remember when I had just one someone with two saying that when you have just one it is idyllic and I did see what they meant after I had my second. I struggled with a baby and a toddler and felt guilty about not being able to give either of them my full attention.

I have two, will not be having more, and yet am frequently asked when I'm having the next.

As an aside, did anyone else watch The Midwives on Tuesday and get MASSIVELY irritated by the community midwife discharging the new mum if three and repeatedly saying "I'll see you again soon, I'll see you in 18 months, I'll see you in two years or so" despite the mum continually telling her this was her last baby? I had it on the way out of the postnatal ward with DC2, and it made mw want to smack people! It's so rude and patronising! If people want large families, crack on, but it's notmy choice, and I don't really appreciate being told I don't know my own mind, thanks!!

My standard replies are:

We'll see.

Maybe one day.

Not just yet.

Or as ds is leaping from yet another death defying stunt - have you met my son?!?

I have only read your initial post and nothing else. I normally name change before I speak on this type of subject but I am in holiday mode and have had 3 glasses of wine so I will post honestly.

I have one child and I have given birth to 3 still born children and had 11 miscarriages. I would have given anything to have had another child and I still struggle with this on a daily basis, more than daily. I constantly feel inferior for "only" having one child. My so called friends make references to it all the time.

I don't have any helpful answers except to say that I completely understand your feelings.

I'm so sorry your life journey has been such a hard one ThymeLord

I'm so glad you have your child. Every child is a miraculous blessing x

We should all acknowledge how precious they are, how often hard won, and how fragile life still is.

There is something strange about the way we ask each other questions about our fertility and plans for children as though it were all completely within our control.

No-one should ever feel or be made to feel inferior for having one child, or for not having children.

People can be utter shites. at Thymelord.

We had Dd, no problem. Then some grim health issues last year mean that a second would require ivf and of course, that's far from great odds.

I do love just having dd, but struggle will all the guilt, mixed feelings as detailed above. People asking when I'll have another one does not help.

Don't feel guilty Geddes - I think only children can have a very happy childhood with plenty of the support and love that is what children need most. Especially if they can have lots of friends and maybe spend time with cousins I think they can have everything they need for a very happy up-bringing.

I noticed that when back in the UK too.

Here one kid is normal. The bulk of my son's friends are only children.

Visiting home over the years I noticed a range of reactions to the "any more" conversation (which in of itslf I find odd, I very rarely get asked if we intend to expand on our pne here)from slightly surprised to outight "the end of your child's world as we know it due to the awful outcomes for only children" lectures.

Now I'm 44 I'd immagine if I went home people wouldn't ask anymore.

It didn't really bother me that much (probably cos I didn't live there so it wasn't constant), but I did notice the notably differnet levels of interest/expectation for >1 kid between the two countries.

My sister has it worse. She lives in the UK and is childless by choice (unflatteringly she claims this is because I gave birth to replica of her and she fears she might therefore give birth to a replica of me) and has resorted to saying "I can't have children" rather than saying she doesn't want them, cos of how opinionated some people can be about that choice.

Any child, regardless of the number of siblings, can have a happy childhood as long as there is love and support within the family unit. No-one's family is the correct or best size. If your family size works well for you, that's great, but you can't smugly say that what you have is the perfect scenario and that no-one should do anything differently.

Ballotelli's post sounds extremely smug. I have three. I'd never tell my friends with one that they should have more. I'd never tell my friends with four or five that they've got too many. You just have to work hard on the family dynamic you have. I'm sure a family with one child feels a similar amount of stress as I do, probably just different situations cause that stress.

However, if you feel with one child that you should have more and are unable to, that a different issue to deal with. No-one can change that situation. You need to look at the positives, overlook any negatives, ignore insensitive comments (everyone gets them whatever situation they're in) and enjoy your child.

When you have one child and want another, you notice how everyone around you seems to have two - in the playground especially, if you see someone with just one they turn round and you see they are pregnant!
Before I started having mcs myself I might have asked someone if they were having more - never would now, also wouldn't ask anyone if they had children until they volunteer the info. It was a tough way to learn some sensitivity!

I only have one, a DD now 7. I have to say that apart from the odd 'are you having another' question (which are more a way to make conversation imo) I have felt absolutely no pressure to have another one.

I occasionally feel guilty that she is an only, but then I think she has the most amazing lifestyle of ponies, chickens, dogs, holidays, meals out, time and attention from DH and I, etc that we just wouldn't be able to afford or have time for if I had another.

I have the absolute opposite. DH and I were ttc for 10 years and it took multi-ivf attempts and four different clinics and experts before we finally got an answer as to what might be the problem and conceived DD. A lot of close friends and family know about this as I got asked the "dont you want kids" question and gave honest answers. I had her in my early 40s.

DH and I decided that we would really like two children and agreed to have one try for a second DC before giving up. We were very lucky and got pregnant and I am now 27 weeks and things seem to be going well (fingers still firmly crossed).

Without exception, every family member or friend has been judgey about it, telling me I should have just been grateful that I got DD, that I am asking for trouble, that as DD is so lovely, there is bound to be something wrong with this one, that I am too old (still early 40s),that its bad for DD for me to be having another. It seems people like to judge whatever you do.

Blimey Lambzig you have some weird friends and family don't you ?

Here, - have some straight-forward congrats from an on-line friend

I had ds at 40 and am tying myself up in knots about whether to have another or not. I find strangers and aquaintances are the ones who want to know when i'm having another (you don't want him to grow up on his own do you, you'd better get on with it at your age, what about when you are old and decrepit etc etc). Family on the other hand are horrified that i'd even contemplate it (we had a rough time giving birth so, understandably, they are worried for me). Dp and i are both 50/50 about it. So should we just be grateful for what we've got or deal with all the what if's? Aaaargh. In our position though it is more a problem with our own indecisiveness rather than feeling the pressure from others comments - i thnk like others have said, it is (usually) just making conversation rather than a judgement.

How odd Lambzig! Congratualtions.

thanks Juggling and charlotte. Its nice to get that.

In my experience people (mostly women) definitely pressure parents (mainly mothers) of only children. I'm an only child and remember all through my childhood my mother having to deal with endless endless conversations, often with complete strangers or passing acquaintances, in which she was interrogated as to why she didn't have two (how rude and nosy!!), or told she should. Sometimes during these conversations they'd try to involve me in weird emotional blackmail, and try to get me to tell my mother that I wanted a sibling! The reason was multiple miscarriages, her age, and the fact that after me my parents' relationship broke down even though they never divorced. Who wants to tell a complete stranger that?? Do people not realise that there might be really personal issues involved? The conversations were always way beyond polite curiosity, although tbh I'd personally steer clear of even polite curiosity unless I knew the person and their situation well.

My DH (also an only) will probably only have one - out of choice, no sensitive personal reasons. Nonetheless I'm dreading these conversations as I know I will be really rude back!

Going off slightly at a tangent, the only children I have known have all been exceptionally sociable, well rounded, intelligent people. So it doesn't seem to have done them much harm (says I, pg with DC2 and rather nervous about it all!)

OP, sorry for what you have gone through and the mixed feelings you are having. It must also be annoying that you are feeling pressured.

I have an only child by choice and can honestly say that I've never felt pressured by anyone or by society to have another. People ask me casually if I'm thinking of having another but I see it as a casual question rather than a loaded one and when I respond with the truth - "I don't want anymore children as I'm so happy just with DD" with big grin on my face - they move onto another topic. I think because I'm so unequivocal in my response they don't go on about it. A few times people persist, "Oh you'll want another one soon, just you wait and see." And I reply, "No, as I said, I'm happy with my decision. Besides, I am an only child and loved it!" That actually shuts them up.

But truthfully, I've never felt the pressure here.

I sometimes wonder if the question is all about the questioner. I wonder when people say things like 'when you have your second...' very assumptively to me, what they are actually exploring (possibly unconsciously) is their own lifestyle with more than one. Maybe they find it hard. Maybe they want validation that everyone is like them, wanted more than one. Maybe they are curious as to what it is like to stop at one and feel comfortable with that. Maybe they never questioned the more than one approach themselves and are genuinely curious as to whether other parents with one felt the same internal or external pressure (or desire) they felt? Confirmation bias I think it's called, i thnk people want reassurance they have made the right choice or believe that most people are like them.

Confirmation bias exists for many choices people make, so why not with family size? I dunno, just musing really.

I always accepted that you 'had to' have more than one, came from a family of three myself, only when I became a parent did I start to consider the alternatives: that one was ok, might even be best for us. I'm still not sure if it is but my age and the awfulness of the first year mitigate against me having a second. I just don't know if I could do another year with never sleeping more than 3/4 hours at a stretch, and look after DS as well. Is that a reason to stop at DS? it nearly broke me the first time and in my 40s, with a toddler, I think it would be almost unbearable to do it again. I just do not have enough in the tank to cope.

Napdamnyou - one of the things that really put me off having another child during my (few) broody moments susbsequent to having DD was the memory of the sheer exhaustion of pregnancy.

I feel like that I'm expecting my second , and I'm already thinking I want a third..fourth..oh wait.

each to their own.

There is definitely the expectation that you will have more than one child. When I meet mums from school etc, they always ask if I have another, and when I say no, they ask if I will be having another.

I would have more, if I could, but it's not likely.
I do feel sad sometimes about it, but having said that some of the coolest people I have known have been onlies, so it's not a tragedy.

I make sure ds always has other kids around, and he has a large extended family, aunties, cousins, grandparents, school friends etc, and we live a sociable life, as well as being a little unit of two. (Team Nowthen!)

Count your blessings and ignore the people who can't bear anything remotely unconventional.