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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be bloody fuming with 4yr old who refuses to apologise to his Dad

52 replies

Fourfingerkitkat · 16/08/2012 08:43

DS (4) is generally a loving happy wee boy who is very affectionate, to me at least, and often tells me he loves me. He can be quite a sensitive child though and I sometimes worry that he is overly sensitive but we're all made differently I suppose..

Anyway he refuses point blank to tell his Dad that he loves him and does actually say that he only loves me and does not love his Dad. This is obviously upsetting for DH. DH adores both our kids (DD aged 2) and is far softer with them than me. This morning before leaving work DS asked him to build a trap for his dinosaurs and and DH quickly set up a box to look like a small trap. DS went over to it and kicked it over saying it's not what he wanted. I was absolutely f*king raging and asked him why he did it. He burst into tears and said it wasn't the right kind of trap or bait. Why are 4yr olds so f**ing complicated ! DH kind of shrugged his shoulders and said "to hell with it, I give up" ....he feels as though nothing he ever does is right. I said to DS that if I or Daddy did something to upset him then we would be sad and want to apologise. But he just looked at me and said he would not be apologising to DH.

I probably am being unreasonable.....he's only 4 for God's sake but I know the little bugger would apologise to me no problem. Poor DH seems to get the brunt of everything....

OP posts:
danteV · 16/08/2012 08:47

At four he is old enough to understand, he does not pick and choose who he apologises to.
I would be considering a small punishment. But I am concerned he says he doesn't love your dh.
Is as very clingy with you.

BrianButterfield · 16/08/2012 08:48

I don't think that he sounds complicated - I mean, he's told you how he feels and why he acts the way he does. It's not what you would like to hear but it's the truth to him and to a 4-year-old that's all that matters. To his mind, loving someone must feel a particular way, and if he doesn't feel like that for your DH then he must wonder why he is supposed to lie about it to please you. It doesn't mean he doesn't love him, though.

danteV · 16/08/2012 08:48

Is ds very clingy with you?

diddl · 16/08/2012 08:51

He should apologise for kicking over what his dad had made.

As for saying he doesn´t love his dad-not sure whether to ignore or just tell him it´s not a nice thing to say.

How much time does he have with just his dad?

Is there something they could do together?

Noren · 16/08/2012 08:51

Have you asked him why he feels like he doesn't love his Dad? I personally don't feel you can force someone to apologise as it wouldn't mean anything if they didn't mean it. Maybe what he really wanted for for his Dad to not go to work and to spend some time with him and when he did go, got angry and destroyed the trap. If you talk to him you might find out what is wrong?

squeakytoy · 16/08/2012 08:51

He is only 4. They can be very stubborn at that age, and also know which buttons to press to wind you up a bit. It passes.

I bet by next year he will be making a lovely fathers day card and all this will be forgotten.

EleanorHandbasket · 16/08/2012 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 16/08/2012 08:54

I suppose if he´s not sorry, though-he feels why should he apologise?

Is he old enough to tell that he shouldn´t have kicked the thing over in a temper, but explained what was wrong with it?

Original poster
Fourfingerkitkat · 16/08/2012 08:55

Thanks for the replies.

Yes, he's pretty clingly with me. Still wakes up most nights screaming on me and I have to go in and lie down next to him. DH takes him for wee days out so they're spending time alone and he does have fun with his Dad. I've asked why he doesn't love Dad and he says I only love you Mummy. Says he'll never meet a lady and have babies ! I've explained that you can love more than one person at a time but he's adament that he doesn't love his Dad....I know he's only 4 and I can't give him too hard a time but can see that DH is really upset by it...And his behaviour this morning just summed it all up. If he's done something like that to me I've gave him a stern look and will usually get an apology within 5 mins...

OP posts:
bloodyfurious · 16/08/2012 08:55

Mine have a habit of this, I tell them its a mean thing to say and we dont hurt each others feelings like this, that said they are indiscrimate with it, sometimes it me, sometimes its each other and sometimes its their older sibling (and its always my poor mum when I go to work).

Original poster
Fourfingerkitkat · 16/08/2012 08:57

He'll be 5 in February and is a clever wee thing. I asked him how he would feel if he had built a trap and Mummy or Daddy kicked it over ? Would it make him sad ? Then Mum and Dad would apologise...

I know I can't force the L word with him and haven't tried to. I do want the little bugger to apologise though. Especially as he would apologise to me. It's like poor Dad doesn't count...

OP posts:
bubalou · 16/08/2012 08:58

Your poor DH.

My DS has just turned 4 and has previously done similar things to both myself and DH. They are not stupid and you have a right to be fuming!

He knows what he is doing - but I suppose it is up to us to sit them down and explain that it is not ok, why it is not ok and the consequences of what he is doing.

When my DH would have to tell off DS - even a light telling off for something like not eating his dinner' DS would then say 'I don't love you any more, you're not my best friend, I don't like daddy'.

I'm quite calm usually so would show immediate upset and disgust at this to let him know this is not acceptable. I didn't have to shout - he knew.

Then I had the sit down - away from DH and explained to DS. I had to do this a few times but he hasn't done it since.

Sometimes children find it hard to relate so turn the situation over to them. 'What if mummy said she didn't love you and she only loved dd' that would be really 'mean / rude / hurtful / nasty' choose a suitable word and use this word constantly to draw upon for these occasions so when he hears it he knows. (obviously i'm not suggesting you tell him you don't love him - explain to him / ask him how he would feel if you did so he can relate).

Hope this works out. Keep us posted Smile

danteV · 16/08/2012 08:58

When he goes to school, they won't let him choose who he apologises too. Maybe he needs to understand its bad manners to act in that way and bad manners not to apologise.
If this isn't a phase he may find school quite hard at first.

EdithWeston · 16/08/2012 08:58

Teaching a child to say sorry, almost as reflex, when small does ease things enormously (ditto pllease and thank you).

So I do think you need to explain to him that: 'you hurt Daddy's feelings when destroyed the den he made. When you break things or hurt people's feeling yo need to say sorry'

Then move on. This isn't one I'd punish for - it's the endless repetition of what to say and praise when they do I right.

Never omit the explanation of why the sorry/please/thanks is needed - for it is from that bit that they learn to think of their impact on others and to consider what others might think/feel.

Kayano · 16/08/2012 09:00

We give children the choice to apologise now? Bloody hell I wouldn't be putter pattering 'if we had upset you we would apologise...'

I would be 'you apologise to your dad right now!'

I would probably be like a shrieking banshee... Lucky I haven't got a four year old and am slowly mellowing with age lol

Sweetiesmum · 16/08/2012 09:00

My 4 yr old did exactly he same thing except she favoured her Dad and made sure I knew that often (very rude)! Now that she's 6 she favours her mum but not in such a rude, offhand way, just prefers mummy time now. I think it is natural for some children to adore one parent, especially the opposite sex when very young and kind of compete with the other parent for their attention!

Just a tiny child's view of their little world where they would like to be the most adored and important person to their parent, They can be quite jealous of the other parent appearing to take their limelight!! Your husband will likely be the favourite in time, so assure him his son really needs him not to be offended as his self esteem is forming now. Its kind of like a love affair he beloieves he is having with you at the moment and he's being naughty as he's competing with your husband for your attention. If he is like my daughter he may be too young to understand that you can love both him deeply and he is not under any threat, but he will in time with both of your time and cuddles.

FoofyShmooffer · 16/08/2012 09:01

He's testing him.

He knows full well your DH will go out of his way to make him happy desperately wanting a show of affection.

Your DH needs to subtly stop being quite so accommodating. Not withdraw just not shout "how high" when DS shouts "jump".

bloodyfurious · 16/08/2012 09:01

but then their ultimate insult is "im not your best friend"

icecold · 16/08/2012 09:03

I think you both need to be careful not to over react to this and make it into 's thing'

I imagine your ds's feelings for you are just so strong and over wjelming, maybe he just doesn't recognise the love for his dad...

But whatever, is will play up to it if it provokes reactions from the pair of you. I think your DH needs to make lighter of it....I'm thinking, bundling ds over and tickling him, telling him that it doesn't matter what ds says, he loves him loads and always will.....

Does your husband believe ds.doesn't love him?

justpaddling · 16/08/2012 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tiggytape · 16/08/2012 09:05

This reply has been deleted

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KittyFane1 · 16/08/2012 09:07

I don't buy 'he's only four'. A four year old knows what he's doing if he kicks something because he doesn't like it.
I would be really firm with him and let him know how his behaviour affects others.
Its all in the tone of voice. Something along the lines of "Daddy tried hard to make you a dinosaur trap and you were wrong to kick it. That is unkind. You should say sorry to Daddy" said in a wet simpering voice will have little effect and gives the child a choice to apologise or not. But if said in a matter of fact, 'this is unacceptable' voice, has a different impact, makes them think.
Four year old DC can be selfish and thoughtless but only if they're allowed to be.

diddl · 16/08/2012 09:07

How does it keep coming up that he doesn´t love his dad, though?

I used to always tell the kids that I loved them, but they didn´t always reply that they loved me & I didn´t expect them to.

But they didn´t reply that they didn´t love me, either.

I only got that when I´d told one off/said they couldn´t do something/have something...

DoItOnce · 16/08/2012 09:10

I was going to post what tiggytape said. Spot on! Just ignore it.

HecateHarshPants · 16/08/2012 09:14

It's a phase, he will grow out of it, I'm sure.

But in the meantime, you need to keep reinforcing that it is cruel to say such things.

If he says he only loves you, then tell him that it makes you very upset when he says nasty things about daddy because you love them both. Is he old enough for you to ask him why, if he loves you, does he not care how you feel? Probably that's too complicated for a 4 year old. Or maybe how would he feel if you said you only loved his sibling and not him.

And they should spend even more and more time together, and your husband should take over some of the day to day stuff that you do. Bedtimes, dinner, going in in the night. Yes, he will probably scream blue murder for you in the short term, but if you can get past that, perhaps it will help.