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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be bloody fuming with 4yr old who refuses to apologise to his Dad

52 replies

Fourfingerkitkat · 16/08/2012 08:43

DS (4) is generally a loving happy wee boy who is very affectionate, to me at least, and often tells me he loves me. He can be quite a sensitive child though and I sometimes worry that he is overly sensitive but we're all made differently I suppose..

Anyway he refuses point blank to tell his Dad that he loves him and does actually say that he only loves me and does not love his Dad. This is obviously upsetting for DH. DH adores both our kids (DD aged 2) and is far softer with them than me. This morning before leaving work DS asked him to build a trap for his dinosaurs and and DH quickly set up a box to look like a small trap. DS went over to it and kicked it over saying it's not what he wanted. I was absolutely f*king raging and asked him why he did it. He burst into tears and said it wasn't the right kind of trap or bait. Why are 4yr olds so f**ing complicated ! DH kind of shrugged his shoulders and said "to hell with it, I give up" ....he feels as though nothing he ever does is right. I said to DS that if I or Daddy did something to upset him then we would be sad and want to apologise. But he just looked at me and said he would not be apologising to DH.

I probably am being unreasonable.....he's only 4 for God's sake but I know the little bugger would apologise to me no problem. Poor DH seems to get the brunt of everything....

OP posts:

ll31 · 16/08/2012 09:17

Tbh I think your over analysing and making too much of it-in our house the 'I don't love you' comments were met with 'well I love you' and then ignored. Tbh you shouldn't over worry about it-even the marriage comments-just say that's nice!

piprabbit · 16/08/2012 09:22

The trap thing was rude and unkind - I'd be imposing a small punishment becuase I don't want my DS getting the message that this sort of behaviour is OK (especially with him starting school in Sept).

My DS tells his dad that he hates him. He says he is not daddy's boy. When DH gets home from work, DS runs up to him and tells him to go away. He won't let DH cuddle him but he loves it when DH builds him a train track or reads his bedtime story. I think it is a power thing - DS knows that he is winding us up and quite enjoys it. He doesn't realise what a huge deal it feels like to be told your child doesn't love you.

I think it is fairly common behaviour, this article says 90% of parents report that their child favours one parent or other at some stage.

PeggyCarter · 16/08/2012 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Softlysoftly · 16/08/2012 09:27

Agree with foofy dd1 is like this with mil, mil adores her lets her do anything and as a result DD1 has total control and zero respect, it drives me nuts. She's a lovely girl with everyone else but with mil she shows total contempt, shouting at her, ordering her about and saying she doesn't like her/want to see her. Breaks MILs heart but she will not listen to me and stand up to her.

Anyway it sounds the same by the mere fact that your DH jumped to make the trap but you were the one telling DS off and in his mind he did something to the weak parent and the one he loves was on their side, you created resentment.

DH should have instantly disciplined him, he needs to respect both parents, you should butt out of their relationship not asking DS to love DH and letting DH manage fun/praise/bad behaviour himself. We did with DD1 and Dadi and it is slowly getting better.

Original poster

Fourfingerkitkat · 16/08/2012 09:27

tiggytape - I don't think I'm asking him leading questions or asking him to reiterate that he loves only me. He will repeatedly say this (without any prompting from me) so I've obviously asked on occassion "why don't you love Daddy" I've also tried to fob it off and say "oh well, just as well he loves you enough for 2 then isn't it..."

Kayano - I'm not giving him the option to apologise. I generally find I get a better response from kids when I explain why we're asking them to do something or why we're not happy rather than just screaming "apologise now!"

Thanks for all the replies..

OP posts:

iggi777 · 16/08/2012 09:27

My ds (4) would tell me he loved me often, and hardly ever his dad - but I think that's because I (as a soppy mummy) tell him I love him every day - I don't think dh ever has.
We just laugh I'm afraid when told (regularly) you're not my friend anymore.

icecold · 16/08/2012 09:31

I agree with ll31

I'm suprised that so many of you take it so seriously/ to heart when young children say they don't love you/dp/other relative....they all do this

DublinMammy · 16/08/2012 09:37

Agree with tiggytape. If you make a big deal out of it or go on about it then he will know he has the power to hurt/upset.

My DS (3) went through a phase of only wanting Daddy, telling me to leave him alone, saying I don't like Mummy etc. I was very upset by it but managed to hide that from him and would just say "I know, I want him here too but Daddy's at work so we'll have to wait until he gets home." etc and never, never got my DH to try to get him to say he loved me etc. It lasted about 3-4 months and now he has stopped and is really affectionate with me too. I also made sure he saw us hugging each other a lot.

On the punishment front, I think this is exactly what the naughty step or whatever you want to call it is for - up to your DH to put him there, tell him why, then go back for his apology and leave him there if he doesn't get it. Probably too late now as your post is nearly an hour old but for next time?

HeadfirstOverTheHighJump · 16/08/2012 09:41

My ds2 often does this, he's 4, 5 in November. It's me he is currently doing it to, "I don't love you, I love Daddy". I just say, "Nevermind I love you"

DH has been working away/nights a lot recently and all ds means is that he misses him. Children of this age do not understand and equate the word love to the strong emotion it actually describes. It's the same as when they go through the "I hate you" phase, they don't understand the intensity of the word the way we do.

HeadfirstOverTheHighJump · 16/08/2012 09:42

I'm not saying they don't feel love by the way, just that it's a complicated thing to express at this age.

HeadfirstOverTheHighJump · 16/08/2012 09:42

*express in words I mean.

Goldenbear · 16/08/2012 09:45

I agree with Tiggy. I think at 4.5ish they pick up on all your worries. You are not asking leading questions but you've asked him about it. He's going to know it's an issue. He won't mean anything by it just probably curious about the fuss made when he says it- I would imagine.

When my DS was that age (not long ago) he watched a tv programme with us that had a newborn baby on it. He was adamant we should have a newborn baby, DD was 9 months at the time and I said we already had a baby in the family. He said she was an older, big baby and he wanted a newborn one. He got really insistent, upset when I said it wasn't going to happen and this went on for a few days. His pursuit of this subject had no rationale in my mind, he was 4 so I just thought it comes with the territory - irrationality

mindosa · 16/08/2012 09:48

He should be sorry and in that situation I would have done naughty step.

However he is 4 and you are adults and it is ridiculous for your husbands feelings to be hurt over this. All children go through phases of favouring one parent over the other but the way to deal with this is to leave them have time together alone and make sure your DS respects his father.

Also anytime I have seen this it is usually cultivated, even subconsiously, by the other parent.

icecold · 16/08/2012 09:51

I think your husband is possibly the one that needs to modify his behaviour

This mornings example...his reaction to your son kicking over the dinosaur den, was hurt feelings/dented pride. He needs to put his feelings to one-side and focus on ds"s actions. In this house the response would be ds would have been told off for being rude/destructive. Depending on your approach to parenting, it might have been a protracted chat about why he kicked over the den thing and larger issues around that. I think dh maybe needs to stop licking his wounds and don't let it frighten him away from effective parenting?

FreudianSlipper · 16/08/2012 09:51

what difference woudl it make if he said sorry

he does not want to say sorry so making him say it is not going to make him feel sorry

i think you need to ignore this for a while, ds is 4 and at times i can do nothing right ignore it then it becomes less of an issue

it is daddy this and daddy that (and we live apart and tbh he does very little with ds it is me that takes him on days out his dad is very lazy) i love daddy more yes it hurts but i know he loves me and it is all about testing. when i started to point out all i did it made things worse so now i am just yeah whatever and its less of an issue

Sunnystormyday · 16/08/2012 09:53

Ds2 at 4yo was going to marry me. I was the centre of his universe and he couldn't see beyond to love or even notice anyone else existed.
Love perhaps means a certain thing or way of behaving for your ds which you're not aware of that doesn't include your dh for some reason maybe hes heard something on tv or out that triggered it off. Have you talked about 'love' with him and tried to figure out what it means to him as opposed to the dictionary definition.

lljkk · 16/08/2012 09:57

Emotional esteem should not depend on the whims of a 4yo. Grow up

Kids are programmed to play, it may be channelled destructively, which is what OP described, but it's still an effort to play. If OP's DH had fallen on the ground & hammed it up pretending to be mortally wounded & crying like a toddler by the kicking the trap over, your DS would have laughed & then they could have rebuilt the "trap" together. Listen to your DS, don't assume you know what he likes or demand that he feel certain ways about things.

MakeHayNotStraw · 16/08/2012 09:59

Love is a very nebulous thing - even to adults its hard to understand and express so I don't believe a 4-yo can really understand what he is saying when he says I don't love you, and therefore I don't suppose he actually doesn't love DH, more that he can't distinguish his feelings and recognise the different types of love he may feel.

I also beieve that children kick out like this at the people they feel most secure with. And so I would not recommend that your DH withdraw from him at all (as someone earlier said), that would send a message to your ds that your DH only loves him if he is loved back. He will come round, it's hard for your DH of course, but he is the adult here and can choose his own behaviour in a way that a 4yo can't.

LeeCoakley · 16/08/2012 10:07

Does he want attention from his dad? Maybe he wanted his dad to build a complicated trap and not go to work. Maybe he wanted his dad to react and not just shrug his shoulders. Does you dh tell him he loves him every day?

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2012 11:21

Ignore the not loving thing, and don't discuss it. Your DH should just carry on being his dad, playing with him, disciplining him, loving him. Just act normally. My DGC did this for a while, but then snapped out of it. But don't accept the bad behaviour - and if he breaks something like the den your DH should ask for the apology, not you. You shouldn't be the go-between.

happyscouse · 16/08/2012 11:28

I think some of the comments on here about the Dad are a bit harsh. my youngest was just like this at around the same age,and it is hurtful,as much as my husband tried to hide it from him it still showed at times. no advice I'm afraid other than to say my son grew out of it .

Itsjustafleshwound · 16/08/2012 11:31

Just ignore it and don't play his game ...

If he says he doesn't love his dad, (like my 5 yo says to me daily) just counteract it with the comment down the lines of that is okay to feel that way, but I love you ....

Don't excuse bad behaviour in any shape and form or try to explain away bad behaviour and take him up on it .... He has to know there are consequences for bad behaviour and the apology is just a side issue ...

Good luck

lovebunny · 16/08/2012 11:38

it is a phase but don't ignore it.

explain to him how hurtful it is that he is rude to daddy and tells daddy he doesn't love him. explain that daddy loves him very much. ask him how he would feel, if someone he loved (you, for example) decided not to love him. tell him how much you love daddy and that everyone in your family loves everyone else equally.

if you don't tell people plainly what you mean, they don't know. ignore it, and he will grow up thinking it is ok to play with people's emotions.

icecold · 16/08/2012 11:42

You can't tell someone that they love a person

Noqontrol · 16/08/2012 11:49

I don't force my 4 year old to say sorry, but I explain the consequences of her actions to her. Sometimes she'll say sorry right away, other times she won't. I have noticed though, that when she's had time to think about it she always comes back and says sorry. Sometimes its an hour later, sometimes its the next day. I prefer her to be like this though, as its shown she's really thought about it, and she's saying it because she really means it, not because she's been forced to say it.

I would ignore the love thing, sometimes if you're forced into something you find you really don't want to say it. In time Im sure you're ds will say it because he really wants to, which means so much more. But its still important for dad to still tell ds he loves him, non conditional love is important.

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