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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no or am I being really mean?

62 replies

lavenderfields · 15/08/2012 15:59

With my hormones etc, I don't know if I am being mean or if it is fair to say no.

Every Tuesday evening, I go to a regular group. Someone else from the group ( who doesn't drive) wants a lift there and back every week. It takes me a fair but out of my way to collect/ drop her off. She doesn't offer any petrol money etc as she doesn't work ( she studies full time).

AIBU to not want to do this as a regular thing? I feel mean thinking it but she asks for lifts a lot and I always say yes as she couldn't get there other wise.

Wwyd? How do I politely say I can't or should I just be grateful for having a car and pick her up graciously?

( hormones making be over worry)

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 15/08/2012 16:00

Say no. if you do not want to do it. Just say it is too far out of your way unfortunately, or maybe say you are going somewhere else before/after and she would have to make her own way on one of the trips.

fluffyanimal · 15/08/2012 16:02

If it's a regular thing, she should offer petrol money. Fine to do it once or twice when something comes up, but a regular commitment should be backed up with a contribution. Presumably if you weren't around, she'd spend money on public transport.

Sallyingforth · 15/08/2012 16:02

If she was a friend who you know and meet elsewhere then it would be just a normal friendly thing to do without reward.
But if you only meet her there I think it's only reasonable that she pays for the extra fuel.

WinkyWinkola · 15/08/2012 16:03

It's not mean if it really does take you out of your way. The cost of petrol is not to be sniffed at. Does she show gratitude in other ways?

Can you suggest to her she contributes to the cost? It's freeloading really, isn't it?

Is there anyone else that could help too? You must be getting back quite a bit later than you would normally.

Shutupanddrive · 15/08/2012 16:04

Ask her to contribute towards your petrol or let her find her own way there. Even if she does contribute, you are still doing her a favour

DawnOfTheDee · 15/08/2012 16:04

you need to say to hear 'no problem giving you a lift now and then but if it's going to be a regular thing i'll need a contribution to petrol costs as it's quite far out of my way'

Original poster
lavenderfields · 15/08/2012 16:05

It adds 10/15 mins each way to my journey so not back majourly late but when it's 10.30 at night it feels longer!

OP posts:
FriskyMarkCavendish · 15/08/2012 16:05

I have passed my test but hate driving. I would never ask for or expect lifts (am always grateful if offered), so I wouldn't join clubs etc without finding out a way of getting there by myself.
YANBU.

Paiviaso · 15/08/2012 16:05

YANBU to not want to do it, as it is out of your way and she does not offer any petrol money.

I'm a bit wimpy and would probably just say, "My schedule's changed and I'm now coming straight from work/dropping off children somewhere/other excuse, so wont be able to drive you anymore."

If you're a bit braver you could just tell her the truth - it is quite inconvenient for you to drive her every week, it was ok as a one-off but it is too much to do regularly.

HecateHarshPants · 15/08/2012 16:06

Say no.

"Sorry, it is quite far out of my way and I can't afford the extra petrol"

If she wants the lift, then she'll pay. Otherwise, she'll make her own way there, which will no doubt cost her more.

Her not being able to get there is not your problem. Do not feel responsible for that.

jandymaccomesback · 15/08/2012 16:08

I have a friend in RL who had just this problem. She asked other members of the group (who would also have to go out of their way) if they would take turns, or of she collected the person to agree to take her home afterwards.Is that a possibility?

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/08/2012 16:09

YANBU. As a matter of interest, if you weren't going there one week, what would she do? Ask someone else, get a taxi, not go?

TheFallenMadonna · 15/08/2012 16:10

If you can't afford it, say so. If you can, well, it's a nice thing to do I think.

Original poster
lavenderfields · 15/08/2012 16:11

No one else lives anywhere near. She lives in a different town completely and I am closer to her town than anyone else ( although still in a different town to her!)

It's a church group and part of me feels like she sort of expects a lift as its a church group and she knows I'll say yes as it's 'the right thing' to do.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 15/08/2012 16:14

Well, if she's bothered by 'the right thing' to do, she should be offering petrol money. Or is it only other people doing 'the right thing' that she expects, not herself?

Chandon · 15/08/2012 16:16

haha whereyouleftit, spot on

Bumblebee333 · 15/08/2012 16:20

Why don't you bring up to topic of fuel prices? If she doesn't drive perhaps she has no concept of annoyingly expensive it is.

Numberlock · 15/08/2012 16:23

As you refer to hormones, I presume you're pregnant, so could having the baby be the natural break to stop the lifts? When is it due?

HecateHarshPants · 15/08/2012 16:26

The right thing to do is to not take advantage of people and to pay your way in life!

jandymaccomesback · 15/08/2012 16:28

lavenderfields why is it the right thing to do? She is sponging off you and if she wanted to do the right thing she would at least come up with the odd bunch of flowers or something to show her appreciation. Churches are full of people like this but we aren't doing them any favours by pandering to them.
I read a really good article once which talked about the Good Samaritan. He did provide for the wounded man, but he didn't then hang around and look after him. He gave him what he needed to get back on his own two feet and that was it. It's tough to do, but if you can't find someone to share the load then I suggest you tell her you can't keep doing it unless she contributes.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/08/2012 16:39

But it's not just the money, it's also the time, isn't it? Sometimes when you're driving home late, you just want to get home and you don't particularly want to 'socialise' ion the car, just switch the radio on and chill.

lavenderfields, you say it's a church group, so presumably she goes to that church? Is the Tuesday group held at the church? How does she travel to the church when she's attending services not this Tuesday group?

Original poster
lavenderfields · 15/08/2012 16:44

The Tuesday group is held at someone's house but the church happens in her town. Would be too far to walk to the group but she can walk to church!

OP posts:
threesocksmorganwinsgold · 15/08/2012 16:49

I would say no, she is being very cheeky asking and not paying for fuel.
(why should you feel grateful for having a car....you pay for it)

jandymaccomesback · 15/08/2012 16:52

Are .there no other groups she could go to?
I give someone a lift to a daytime group every week and in return she gives me lunch. Different attitude though - she wants to contribute and I am happy with the arrangement

forkandspade · 15/08/2012 16:58

Perhaps someone else from her village, who also goes to the same church, could be persuaded to join the Tuesday group and they could travel together. You sound very kind but I think you are being taken advantage of. You need to find a way to stop taking her regularly because habits are harder to break the longer they go on.

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