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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no or am I being really mean?

62 replies

lavenderfields · 15/08/2012 15:59

With my hormones etc, I don't know if I am being mean or if it is fair to say no.

Every Tuesday evening, I go to a regular group. Someone else from the group ( who doesn't drive) wants a lift there and back every week. It takes me a fair but out of my way to collect/ drop her off. She doesn't offer any petrol money etc as she doesn't work ( she studies full time).

AIBU to not want to do this as a regular thing? I feel mean thinking it but she asks for lifts a lot and I always say yes as she couldn't get there other wise.

Wwyd? How do I politely say I can't or should I just be grateful for having a car and pick her up graciously?

( hormones making be over worry)

OP posts:

princesskc · 16/08/2012 20:05

Or even sorry.

SauvignonBlanche · 16/08/2012 20:13

Let her know that you're moving and won't be able to collect her after you move.

TiaMariaandDietCoke · 16/08/2012 20:15

I'd agree with princesskc - you obviously don't feel comfortable just saying no at this stage, so it would seem your move is the ideal time to cut that tie. Either 'sorry, I've moved now and you're not on my way now',

or (if you're feeling charitable) 'I can pick you up occassionally, but as I've moved now, I'd need you to contribute to the extra fuel costs - maybe you could also check with X and Y if they could give you a lift occassionally too if you're stuck? (although I get the feeling this option could end up with you still doing the lifts every time, just with petrol money!)

starfishmummy · 16/08/2012 20:17

Use your house move as a reason.

nightowlmostly · 16/08/2012 20:25

The house move is the ideal way to get out of this! Or if you want to stop sooner, just explain that the pregnancy is making driving uncomfortable, and an extra 30 mins really affects you and you can't do it any more.

YANBU!

MarzipanAnimal · 16/08/2012 20:37

We have been in similar position, and yes it's a bit of a pain but it's part of being a church family imo. I wouldn't dream of asking for petrol money unless I really couldn't afford it, especially if they were less well off than me!

I suggest you have a quiet word with the group leader to see if they can come up with a solution eg take turns with other group members

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/08/2012 23:04

" what would be a good text response if she says ... "can you collect me from my house"."
I would suggest, "Sorry, no can do. I'm tight for time as it is, if I collect you we'll be late." And be suitably vague (had to run some errands/was travelling/had an appointment) as to why you couldn't set off early enough to divert to her house.

DoItOnce · 16/08/2012 23:34

OP, you have already had some excellent answers..... Now you just have to action one of them!

I had this situation once, although for a tennis group not a church group. I just sent a text saying. so sorry but i can't take you to tennis next week. Hopefully I will see you there,it looks like it will be lovely weather. (or something equally inane). No excuses, no reasons. Repeat each week for a few weeks and she should get the message.

It would really irritate me to give her a lift if I felt she was using me, which is what she seems to be doing.

complexnumber · 16/08/2012 23:56

What a pain in the arse for her. She has joined her local church, which is attended by people for whom the church isn't local, but she has to find a way to travel to the group leader in a completely different town.

Why can't the group change location? Why does it have to be held at the group leaders house? You could suggest to the whole group that it would be fairer to all, and might attract other members local to the church, if the sessions were held at the church/church hall that everyone could make their own way to.

ProPerformer · 17/08/2012 00:19

My husband sometimes gives a friend of mine lifts to choir practice (we all attend but he drives) and also gives her a lift to and from our Karaoke nights. To get to choir practice is only 2 mins out of our way to pick her up, but for karaoke (which he doesn't go to as looks after our DS) it's literally 2 mins WALK from our house but a half hour round trip each way to pick her up. She has hardly any money so doesn't pay for petrol but has babysat for free for us a couple of times as a 'thank you' so we could have a night out together.
Could your 'friend' maybe do something like that?

Sunnydelight · 17/08/2012 01:04

As others have said, use the house move to break the cycle but you need to do it straight away. A simple "now we've moved I'm afraid I won't be able to collect you or drop you home any more" is all that is needed. Starting to make excuses just leaves room for her to come up with ways around it and makes it more likely that you will end up saying yes. Don't get involved with her making alternative plans, again you will probably end up part of them.

I am a Christian, I am a nice person, I don't let people take the piss.

Bosgrove · 17/08/2012 01:48

At my church there is an old lady who lives by herself in a town about 10-15 minutes drive away, we have a rota of people who pick her up and drop her back every Sunday, and she always offers petrol money.

Just because it is a church group it doesn't mean that petrol money can't be offered.

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