Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To say no or am I being really mean?

62 replies

lavenderfields · 15/08/2012 15:59

With my hormones etc, I don't know if I am being mean or if it is fair to say no.

Every Tuesday evening, I go to a regular group. Someone else from the group ( who doesn't drive) wants a lift there and back every week. It takes me a fair but out of my way to collect/ drop her off. She doesn't offer any petrol money etc as she doesn't work ( she studies full time).

AIBU to not want to do this as a regular thing? I feel mean thinking it but she asks for lifts a lot and I always say yes as she couldn't get there other wise.

Wwyd? How do I politely say I can't or should I just be grateful for having a car and pick her up graciously?

( hormones making be over worry)

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/08/2012 17:04

Perhaps this freeloader woman could offer to host the Tuesday group at her house?

letseatgrandma · 15/08/2012 17:45

She's taking the £&@;!

Does she text you every week asking for a lift or is she just assuming you'll come and get her unless she hears otherwise from you?

bluana · 15/08/2012 17:48

Next time she asks, just say yes so long as you can contribute towards petrol as it is quite a bit out of my way. (Having previously worked out what would be fair). It's possible that it just hasn't occurred to her.

Either that or ask others in the group to take turns.

Original poster

lavenderfields · 15/08/2012 17:55

Thanks for suggestions. She can't join another group as they are all organised by age and this one is the only one for the age group.

The evening is held at the leader's house so moving venue wouldn't be an option either.

I will try and speak to her tonight as session has been moved this week to today
And she has text asking for a lift. and I said yes before starting the thread

OP posts:

Original poster

lavenderfields · 15/08/2012 18:06

And to top it all off, I'm hormonal, hot, moving house in 2 days and not all packed and tired as having to wake EVERY bastard hour to wee in the night.

Plus tonight they will discuss holiday club i am helping with the week after we move ( didn't have moving date at time) and my hair isnt washed and no-one is bathed or fed yet.

Argh :(

OP posts:

carabos · 15/08/2012 18:51

Why did she join a group she couldn't get to? Or did she make a massive assumption that if she joined then God would provide (and lo! It was so)?

jandymaccomesback · 15/08/2012 21:13

lavenderfields sounds as though you have a lot on your plate. Perhaps you should talk to the group leader and explain your position. Maybe he/she will be able to find someone to help out.

SmellsLikeWhiteSpirit · 15/08/2012 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tiddlypool · 15/08/2012 21:48

I think the Christian thing to do would be to give her a lift with a happy heart.

Dropdeadfred · 15/08/2012 21:51

how did she used to get there before you joined?

Falandfree · 15/08/2012 21:53

I don't see the problem if you can afford it. If you can't then tell her that you either need some petrol money or you can't do it.

I am beginning to see why no one seems to take me seriously when I offer them lifts, they obviously think it's such an outrageous thing to do that I couldn't possibly be serious!

Falandfree · 15/08/2012 21:55

smells - your neighbour sounds a right knob. Are you on friendly terms still or are you discreetly rubbing dog shit under the handle of his car door? :)

maddening · 15/08/2012 22:14

tell her she'll have to get herself to your house and back from your house as you are ever so tired with the pregnancy

CrispyCod · 15/08/2012 22:23

If she doesn't drive maybe she doesn't appreciate the cost of petrol. I knew someone quite like that, I had to enlighten them! I'm not made of money!

zookeeper · 15/08/2012 22:29

I have a group I go to every week and really hate giving lifts; I look forward to the drive (twenty minutes each way) as time when I can be alone and listen to the radio.

I would make up some excuse and stop doing it .

Kalisi · 15/08/2012 22:36

Personally, i'd have no problem giving her a lift every time but i would insist she made her own way to and from my house

lovebunny · 15/08/2012 23:12

oh dear. its a church group so you might be thought unchristian if you don't do the run. but it is really unreasonable of anyone to expect you to go out of your way, both there and back, every week.

can't remember the book but i read once a phrase that sticks with me 'Being Christian does not mean being a doormat.'

either phone her and tell her you aren't going to give her a lift any more, or next time you drive, tell her its the last time.

if you don't, you'll eventually drop out of the (house?) group anyway, to avoid being used, so you don't have much to lose if she moans about you to the group!

Original poster

lavenderfields · 16/08/2012 09:51

I tried to drop a few hints last night. She didn't respond to any of them so I'll have to try again next week! though at the group she told someone else that X had text to offer her a lift but she said no as didn't want to go in their car, she wanted to come with me. So looks like there is a chance others could collect her too!

OP posts:

DawnOfTheDee · 16/08/2012 10:08

Ok. So you know hints don't work. Rehearse what you're going to say next week once you've decided what you want to do i.e. give her a lift but you need petrol money or you can't do it on a regular basis.

"If this is going to be a regular thing i'll need a contribution to petrol money as it's quite far out of my way"

or "Sorry this isn't working for me...I won't be able to give you a lift anymore"

both said in a pleasant tone with a nice smile on your face. Repeat as necessary.

ThePieWhoLovedMe · 16/08/2012 14:11

Her: 'can I have a lift'

You: 'sure I will be leaving my house at Xpm - please make sure you get to mine on time as I do not want to be late ...see you soon x'

Original poster

lavenderfields · 16/08/2012 17:55

I like that idea pie... But what would be a good text response if she says ... "can you collect me from my house".

Saying simply 'no' would be rude although it's what I'd like to say sometimes

OP posts:

princesskc · 16/08/2012 19:12

You said your moving, are you in the same area or does your move mean she's too far out of your way? :-)

Original poster

lavenderfields · 16/08/2012 19:29

The move will take us closer to my Tuesday group but no closer to her. Where we live now she is on route if I take the diverted route but where I'm moving, she is me going back on myself and in the wrong direction if I were to keep collecting her!

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 16/08/2012 19:38

OP you can rest assured she understood the hints only too well. That's not the approach to take. You know what you need to do so grab the bull by the horns here.

Good luck :)

princesskc · 16/08/2012 20:04

Then just say sorry you're not on my way any more, simple. :-)
Are am I just mean?

Flip

1 2 3