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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my 11 year old daughter to be allowed to walk to school on her own, when DH doesn't

53 replies

dangirl · 14/08/2012 10:40

This is going to cause a major incident in our house in the coming year.

My DD is now 10 and going in to year 6. She is highly sensible and very responsible. The last term of year 6 the children at her school are allowed (with parents permission) to walk to school on their own. We live an 8-10 mins walk away, crossing two roads, no real concerns re traffic. We live in West London.
She is desperate to get some freedom. Usually 100% of the children are permitted. I have no qualms permitting her to do this, in fact I think she should.
Now, DH on the other hand is point blank refusing to even discuss this! Major stranger danger!! "Do you know how many young girls disappear each year ?" etc... He will also not have her go to school on her own, when she starts secondary school the year after. He has no idea when the right age might be.
This is some way away, but it is already causing major discussions! Well no discussion really, as he just won't even discuss it.
I find it crucial to prepare our children for life and everything it brings. Of course we have to protect them, every way we can, but we also have to let them take some chances as well (within reason of course).

I guess I am asking for advise on how best to approach this? I want to respect his feelings, and it is of course his child too. But this is in my opinion out of proportion and I really feel she should be given this little bit of freedom!

Sorry, long story

OP posts:
Shinyshoes1 · 14/08/2012 10:45

He's being way over the top. Statistically few children actually get taken each year.
I'm assuming he's going to do ALL the school runs then?
He can't baby her what about Saturday when she goes into town with all her new school friends. Is daddy going to drop her and pick her up.
Good luck with that cos where does it stop. If others see her being babied like that it will lead to ridicule.
How does she feel about it ? Can't she try to talk to him ?

NewlyMintedPeasant · 14/08/2012 10:46

I normally suggest with anxious parents a slow build up of indepedence, for example allowing her to walk to a shop 2 min away and seeing how she gets on. Also mobile phones can be a good way of calming nerves, though even if she has a nice one I'd give her the oldest phone you can find to put her SIM in if she's out the house alone.

Also does she have friends very close who are walking? Could you walk with her to a friend's then send them off together?

ricecakesrule · 14/08/2012 10:46

Hi, it's difficult to comment without knowing the exact route etc. Is there maybe a compromise that can be reached, a group of them that can walk together if your dh would think that would be safer?

JennyWren · 14/08/2012 10:47

Are there any other children in her class taking the same route? Would he feel more comfortable if she met a friend outside the house and they walked in together - safety in numbers? Also, could you suggest a gradual preparation - 'life skills' training, as it were? Maybe starting with having her make all the decisions when you walk together - literally letting her take the lead crossing roads, etc. - then tailing her to school, letting her walk a short part of the way by herself... It is a scary thought that we have to let our DC go out in the workd by themselves, but it is our jobs really - to prepare them as best we can and give them the skills and confidence to leave us behind. Not that I advocate abandoning them to their fate at 11, of course Grin

NewlyMintedPeasant · 14/08/2012 10:48

I wouldn't go in and accuse him of being over the top, it sounds like he'll just shut down. Try to find a compromise, first baby steps which are heading in the right direction.

NCForNow · 14/08/2012 10:49

Could he tail her a few times secretly? Tell him to do that but not to tell DD...he might be happy with that and then tire of
it?

shesariver · 14/08/2012 10:50

I dont really get this whole stranger abduction panic that so many parents believe and place so many restrictions that their children not only miss out but have sever problems learning about the world and their growing independance, all of which can have a damaging impact as an adult. Exactly what age will your DH be happy to let her go anywhere alone? 18?

JumpingThroughHoops · 14/08/2012 10:51

He is massively over reacting.

shesariver · 14/08/2012 10:52

It is a scary thought that we have to let our DC go out in the workd by themselves, but it is our jobs really - to prepare them as best we can and give them the skills and confidence to leave us behind.

Exactly.

BlackberryIce · 14/08/2012 10:53

What do you mean school allow them to walk to school alone??

School have no rights to impose those rules! Do you actually abide by them?

tiggytape · 14/08/2012 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
dangirl · 14/08/2012 10:54

Thank you so much for your responses. @Newlyminted, I am also afraid he will just "shut down" if I don't approach this the right way. He NEVER likes to admit if he isn't right about something.
There will be lots of other children on the route as well as other parents from the school. That last term of year 6 I will even be walking along myself with my younger one to the same school.
But really his issue is not with her dealing with traffic, but with the stranger danger. I have told him, that you are more likely to be hit by lightning or win the lottery, but he just won't listen! I am so frustrated, but refuse to give up on this one for the sake of my daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
dangirl · 14/08/2012 10:58

@blackberry
The school will allow them to come to school and leave school on their own, if they have written permission from the parents. It is of course not compulsory.

OP posts:
Inyourhippyhat · 14/08/2012 10:59

Tell him he will either have to walk with her or do the school run himself. If he can't because of work, then over to you.

You are so right about preparing children for life. He may not want your daughter to grow up. Are there other ordinary activities undertaken by children of your DD's age that he won't permit her to do?

CecilyP · 14/08/2012 11:00

"Do you know how many young girls disappear each year ?" etc...

Your DH obviously doesn't because, if he did, he would know that the answer is remarkably few. The fact that it is all over the newspapers when it, sadly, does happen, would make that obvious. And on the rare occasions when it happens, it is not when DCs are purposefully walking to and from school.

I thought my DH was overprotective, till I read your post. I am not sure how you would approach it with him. I don't think it matters the exact route - I would expect a 10 year old to have some road sense and a busy west London street in broad daylight would not be the obvious place to abduct a child from. I also think that if she could walk with a friend going in the same direction, that would be ideal. Or could you start by taking her part of the way and then leave her to continue by herself. Your DH really does need to allow your DD to grow up at some point.

GnocchiNineDoors · 14/08/2012 11:01

My friends dd has started walking to school and back in her last year at Primary, however she could only start doing this after easter as (far north) where we are it is dusk at 3.15pm over the winter and she rather she started in the broad daylight.

Would your dh compromise on her starting later in the year?

How is he planning on getting her to secondary school and back in the years to.come?

Original poster
dangirl · 14/08/2012 11:01

@tiggytape
I think you are right, that he still sees her as the little 5 year old.
And yes, I do spend much more time with her as he works much more than I do.
No chance he would/could do the school run.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 14/08/2012 11:05

I think Y6 is a good time to get used to this, ready for secondary.
DD (also going into Y6) lives too far away to be able to walk on her own and I am not keen on her going in the bus yet. However, after the winter and we get light nights I am going to start letting her walk to meet me at my school once or twice a week as a start - she finishes later than me, but 1/2 times a week I will have meetings. It's about a 15-20 min walk at most, only a couple of big roads but both have crossings. I am a little reluctant due to her very obvious school uniform as sadly it can make her more of a target - not stranger danger, more other children.
But she needs to get the independence ready for secondary where she really will be wanting to get there/back more on her own. At 11y at secondary chances are DH will drop her on his way to work and she will walk the rest of the way, coming back will be by bus.

shesariver · 14/08/2012 11:05

I remember a parent like this of a friend of my DS who insisted on running him to secondary school herself, despite the rest of the kids walking. He got pelters off his classmates as you can imagine!

EldritchCleavage · 14/08/2012 11:05

Maybe he should do the school run for a few days (taking leave if necessary). Then he'll actually see what she would be doing alone, as well as the amount of traffic and the number of other people walking the same direction.
I think it is important he can't just veto an abstract idea-let him engage practically with what is under discussion.

I walked to school at that age, and later took my younger sister along with me, turning off to get her to primary school then going on to secondary. There were so many other children doing the same route, it was like a procession. Not at all the same as being conspicuously alone on some quiet road. The physical context is everything.

Nagoo · 14/08/2012 11:06

Just wait a while, it's a long way to May next year and she will grow up so much in that time.

RedHelenB · 14/08/2012 11:06

Difficult. My dds went off to the shops themselves from age 7. One of their friends was saying to them "what if you get taken?" which I found a strange thing to say, my worries were more to do with waiting for the lights to change to cross the road or if they ran into a big dog (both dds quite timid of them) or group of loud teenagers!! I asked how they felt & they were both proud that they were trusted to do things by themselves. Now aged 11 & 13 they are allowed further afield.

I really do think that by secondary school age they should be getting themselves to school though. Maybe it would be best to let your daughter Talk/ nag her dad about it & you keep in the background?

workshy · 14/08/2012 11:07

I can't believe the school won't allow this until the end of year 6

it's nothing to do with school if children walk by themselves

I started allowing my DD to walk to and from in the last term of year 5 (with a few sneaky following sessions and a friend keeping an eye on her)

she was one of the last in her year to do this!

the last term of year 6 seems really late when some of them will be having long journeys to high school -it's not really a slow build up is it?

MushroomSoup · 14/08/2012 11:08

My XH is worried about the DCs going to school from my house (all over 11) incase one of them forgets something and then gets detention and then has to walk home alone at 3pm in broad daylight! He too is worried about our 13yr old son in particular being abducted.
What a fucking loon. Sigh.

My question to you OP is - if your DH says no and you say yes, why is it a 'no'? Can't you over rule?
And for what it's worth as a Primary Head I see children from Y2 walk to school alone (depending on many factors of course) and all my Y6s do.
Ask DH when he envisages it being ok. When she's 16? Married? 37?

shesariver · 14/08/2012 11:08

And your DH wont know that chidlren are statistically miles more at risk of harm from their own family or someone they know well than a mysterious stranger lurking.