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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my 11 year old daughter to be allowed to walk to school on her own, when DH doesn't

53 replies

dangirl · 14/08/2012 10:40

This is going to cause a major incident in our house in the coming year.

My DD is now 10 and going in to year 6. She is highly sensible and very responsible. The last term of year 6 the children at her school are allowed (with parents permission) to walk to school on their own. We live an 8-10 mins walk away, crossing two roads, no real concerns re traffic. We live in West London.
She is desperate to get some freedom. Usually 100% of the children are permitted. I have no qualms permitting her to do this, in fact I think she should.
Now, DH on the other hand is point blank refusing to even discuss this! Major stranger danger!! "Do you know how many young girls disappear each year ?" etc... He will also not have her go to school on her own, when she starts secondary school the year after. He has no idea when the right age might be.
This is some way away, but it is already causing major discussions! Well no discussion really, as he just won't even discuss it.
I find it crucial to prepare our children for life and everything it brings. Of course we have to protect them, every way we can, but we also have to let them take some chances as well (within reason of course).

I guess I am asking for advise on how best to approach this? I want to respect his feelings, and it is of course his child too. But this is in my opinion out of proportion and I really feel she should be given this little bit of freedom!

Sorry, long story

OP posts:
lovebunny · 14/08/2012 11:10

grandad walked daughter to and from the bus stop until she was fourteen. the bus was a school bus, pupils only. when she was seventeen, i had to start taking her to school because a man was hanging around outside our house, looking for her.

charade · 14/08/2012 11:15

I'm really surprised by this. I've never heard of school rules dictating how children get to school. How is it enforced? At our school lots of dcs walk and when they are in juniors the school lets them walk home alone.

IwanttoflyonA380 · 14/08/2012 11:15

My dd has been walking to school on her own a few times in term 6. She is a Autumn born child going into year 6 in September. I will be letting her walk on her own in September to and from school but not home from an after school club as there are less people about. I have a younger dd so will always be able to check she is there. It will be harder to let the younger one do the same in the future as I won't be going up to school
My few if you don't let them do it now in baby steps you will have to do in all of a sudden when there maybe 16/18 then most people will assume they have been doing it for years so will not make allowance when they get lost of forget money for bus ect.

TroublesomeEx · 14/08/2012 11:16

Does he know how many girls disappear each year?

I suggest he looks and finds out the statistics regarding girls being snatched from the streets before he makes a decision based on it!

AlwaysHoldingOnToStars · 14/08/2012 11:18

When he says "Do you know how many young girls are taken" say no and tell him to look it up, because it's not going to be that many. My issue would be with traffic, and getting her crossing roads responsibly. Ds1 started walking home alone in year 4 and that involved 1.5 miles with lots of roads.

She has to go on her own one day, or is he planning on accompanying her to work when she's an adult?

Original poster
dangirl · 14/08/2012 11:18

@ Mushroom
I have tried to tell him, that I will just let her (in a less mature type of conversation), and he gets rather threatening "you wouldn't dare',"you better not" etc.
He can not tell me, when the right time will be. But not for a while :-(

OP posts:
IndridCold · 14/08/2012 11:18

I agree that your DD should be allowed to walk to school; it's a great first step to independence.

Regarding persuading your DH I think you will just have to wait until everyone is back at school. There are going to be loads of children walking to the school in the morning, so hopefully once he realises that his baby is not going to be alone on the street, and will soon probably have several other children to walk home with, that will make him change his mind better than abstract arguements at this stage.

You could also suggest that she walks in in the morning but gets picked up in the afternoon, if he's worried about friends with different home times.

shesariver · 14/08/2012 11:19

Im also a bit Hmm at ths school to.

My DS whos 10 has been walking himself to school for the last 2 years, I didnt think schools could effectively "ban" this, but obviously Im wrong.

Ephiny · 14/08/2012 11:20

It sounds very odd that he won't even consider it for when she starts secondary school. I know parents are generally more cautious these days, but an 11 year old not being allowed to do a 10 minute walk to school without a parent? Most secondary school kids would rather walk with their friends, surely?

When he says '"Do you know how many young girls disappear each year ?"', say 'no, tell me, how many?' I bet he doesn't know either! I'm also sure it's a tiny number, and out of that number the vast majority are 'taken' by a parent or other relative, not stranger-danger.

WilsonFrickett · 14/08/2012 11:22

I went on my own, on a 'normal' bus from age 5 so tell your DH to put that in his pipe and smoke it...

On a more serious note though, is there something else that you can work on in terms of 'life skills' so he can sort of see that she is growing up and able to do more than he thinks? Because this is obviously a hot spot for him, so if you get into a conflict on it he won't change his mind - but is there something else, like chores, or personal care or something that she could start doing for herself which could then allow you to lead on from that in terms of her maturity?

Flobbadobs · 14/08/2012 11:29

I think you need to gently ambush him with facts. Find the statistics on child abduction (good luck with that one, all I can find is different types of cases - abductions from the UK etc!), road accidents and crime in your area (apple do a wonderful app if you have an ipod/ipad) and then tell him you are going to sit down and discuss this like adults or you will just overule him anyway and let her go.
He's acting like my daughter did when I tried to tell her something she didn't want to hear, does he stick his fingers in his ears and start singing too? She was 4 when she acted like that btw!
My DH has moments like this when he refuses to discuss things and this strategy seems to with us. Oh and if he starts with the "don't you dare" business actually say "do you mean to sound threatening?"

JustFabulous · 14/08/2012 11:30

I think your bigger issue is telling him not to bully you!

NotEmpressOf7AnythingsNo · 14/08/2012 11:30

DD started catching the bus to school by herself in the spring term of year 6. At first she had to phone us when she was on the bus, off the bus and at school (10 min walk at each end).

After a fortnight we cut it down to phoning us when she was at school, though she'd still text us to chat on the way sometimes. Would something like that reassure your DH?

Original poster
dangirl · 14/08/2012 11:34

I really appreciate all your advise/opinions. Great to have a bit of a soundboard before bringing this up again.

I grew up in Scandinavia myself and as such had all the freedom in the world from a very young age.

As I said DD is very sensible and a very bright girl too and I trust her entirely. I am not looking to go over board, and agree that I would not let her walk home when dark/at unusual times etc.

@Flobbadobs: good advise. So far no sticking fingers in ears, but not far from it!

OP posts:
kimjoy · 14/08/2012 11:36

circumstances are individual on child and terraine walked. No pat answers. Sorry.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 14/08/2012 11:37

Is she very immature? Or is he just being a control freak that doesn't want to let her have even a tiny bit of independence?

DD is 9, going into yr 5 in Sept and has been walking herself back from afterschool clubs for the last 4 months or so. In Sept she will be taking herself to before school sports club and walking home on the days that I don't have to be at school to collect other children. We're a 10/15 minute walk away. You have to give your children the chance to grow.

Original poster
dangirl · 14/08/2012 11:38

She is NOT immature. The contrary! And he would agree with this.

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 14/08/2012 12:07

She is just as likely to be the victim of an assault/abduction because she had not been allowed to learn street sense and will then be more likely to not see when she is putting herself in dangerous situations.

OP what on earth will DH do if you choose to let DD have a go at walking to school? Leave you? Beat you?

alistron1 · 14/08/2012 12:10

My lot did this in y6. I even let/made them do the journey to their secondary schools on their own on their induction day in Y6. When she goes to secondary school she might want to travel with her friends - what will your DH say to that?

Morloth · 14/08/2012 12:18

So what will he actually do if you just let her get on with it?

DS walks to and from school by himself, has done so since his 8th birthday. He uses this time to chat to his mates and mess about. Very important.

Ask him why he wants to hamstring her like this.

Original poster
dangirl · 14/08/2012 12:18

No, No, No, he would NEVER beat me!! He truly means well, I know that. We just feel so very different on this subject.
Don't know what he would do exactly, but I would rather, that we could agree on our children's' upbringing rather that force things through :-(

OP posts:
MrsTomHardy · 14/08/2012 12:18

Your DH is not doing your DD any favours here. She is growing up.

What would he actually do if you let her walk?? Why does your DH make all the rules??

DeWe · 14/08/2012 12:22

Can she walk with a friend?

My year 6 and year 3 walked together last year. The school would also have phoned by about 9:30 if they hadn't come into school and I hadn't contacted the school.

Dd2 (year 4) will be walking with a friend next year as the dc have 3 schools between them.

It's a 30 minute walk, with quite busy roads, but only one big road crossing.

piprabbit · 14/08/2012 12:22

Don't get into a discussion about age limits with your DH. It's not really the issue and could just distract you both from coming to a reasonable compromise.

Instead, could you both draw up a list of things that your DD must have achieved before you would consider her walking on her own (birthdays not included)?

Visiting a near by friend on her own and returning on time.
Leading the walk to school with DH accompanying her but letting her make all the decisions.
Walking on her own but with DH following.
Proving she can use a mobile sensibly.
Taking some sort of road safety awareness course or judo lessons.
Rehearsing how she would deal with a threatening adult - how would she behave, who could she approach for help. Get her to do this with your DH to show him how sensible she is.
etc. etc. whatever you and your DH think is reasonable.

Then you can work with your DD to achieve these goals by next summer.

If your DH is unable to come up with any criteria at all - then you should force him to think long and hard about how your DD will cope in 8 years when she leaves home for uni and how your are both going to help her become independent.

BackforGood · 14/08/2012 12:25

As someone sles has said, not letting her walk now, will make her much less 'aware' / 'streetwise' / experienced / whatever word you want to use later, which, in turn, will surely make her more vulnerable ?

Walking the same route to school she's been walking for the last 6 or 7 years, surrounded by other children and parents, is surely the best way for anyone to start walking to school.