Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

offended by what a friend said

70 replies

takingthestairs · 13/08/2012 14:53

This is my first AIBU so please be gentle!

On Saturday while at a party, a gang of us were watching one of the Olympic boxing matches. It was GB v Ireland. I'm Irish, my DH is British. Most of the people watching the match were British but there was one other Irish woman there too. There was a bit of good hearted shouting at the tv for each side when my DH's best friend shouted, in quite a nasty way, "Go on, smack the bloody Paddy" in support of the GB boxer. There was a nervous lull in the chat from everyone else because the tone and the way it was said was quite vicious coupled with the derogatory "Paddy" term used. My DH gave his friend a poke in the side and his friend gave an apology, which was negated by the fact that he laughed through his apology. I and the other Irish woman froze because it really did feel very nasty.

I've had abuse in "joke" form before from other people based on me being Irish but never from someone that I would consider to be a good friend and I'm still quite upset by it. I don't know if I'm so upset because it came from someone close to me.
Even my DH was quite shocked by the sentiment and the way it was said.
The man who said it is normally really lovely but with a couple of drinks, he can turn into a bit of a brat.

So what I'm asking is AIBU to be still upset and if I am, how do I grow a thicker skin?

OP posts:

scuzy · 13/08/2012 14:54

i'm irish. yabu to STILL be mulling over it. be annoyed if you wish. it doesnt bother me however.

icecold · 13/08/2012 14:55

No you are not being unreasonable to still be upset
you dont need to grow a thicker skin, you need to dump the wanker as a friend

ChickensArentEligableForGold · 13/08/2012 14:56

YANBU. Could you talk to him about it?

Original poster

takingthestairs · 13/08/2012 14:57

Hi scuzy

I think if it was a stranger I'd be more "nyeh, what an idiot" but that it seemed vicious and came from a close friend is what got me.

Does it not bother you at all? Are you based in Ireland?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2012 14:58

My family are all Irish and this sort of thing either bothers you or it doesn't.

It's never bothered any of us...we use the term Paddy all the time.

But if it bothers you then it bothers you.

Original poster

takingthestairs · 13/08/2012 14:58

thanks chickens and icecold I'd almost be too embarrassed to bring it up in case he dismissed it it. I'm not very good a confrontation when I'm upset.

OP posts:

hackmum · 13/08/2012 14:58

I agree with icecold. I don't think anyone can say you are unreasonable to still be upset - this is the sort of thing that would have me fuming years after the event. So yes, dump the wanker. In vino veritas, and all that.

scuzy · 13/08/2012 14:58

yeah i live in ireland, born buttered and bred in ireland. i guess am immune to it. but it is obviously upsetting you so yes have a word with him. what did the other irish lady say/think?

icecold · 13/08/2012 15:01

Im not Irish...but if a friend made a 'light hearted' racist joke 'in jest', they would be my friend no more

I wouldnt bother discussing it with him...unless he asks you why you are distant/not speaking/ have just head butted him...

Original poster

takingthestairs · 13/08/2012 15:01

scuzy the thing is, it didn't bother me when I lived in Ireland (born and bred like yourself) because I thought it was all a joke but after a few years of passive aggressive abuse her and there from a few idiots in London, I've begun to see how some people really do mean it nastily.

The other Irish lady just froze too, but I didn't want to make a scene (isn't that always the way!) so I didn't bring it up with her.

OP posts:

MagicHouse · 13/08/2012 15:01

YANBU to be hurt and upset. But mulling over it won't change things. If you're confident enough maybe you could broach it with your DH's friend (when he's sober). Just say you thought you were good friends and his comment against the Irish really upset you, as well as him laughing when he apologised. See what he says. He'll probably apologise again - at which point leave it there. It could have just been complete thoughtlessness on his part, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't pull him up on it.

If you can't do that, then try to forget about it as you're just upsetting yourself.

Original poster

takingthestairs · 13/08/2012 15:02

here not her

OP posts:

scuzy · 13/08/2012 15:04

well i apologise then for saying yabu i have not heard or had it thrown at me in an abusive nature before as you describe. you do, however, need to address it now as i am sure he has forgotten it but its eating you up so for the sake of your friendship just say to him that it upset you and please dont say it again.

Original poster

takingthestairs · 13/08/2012 15:05

Thanks icecold and magichouse I think I might get my DH to say it to him as it's his best friend (He was best man at our wedding), ask him to make his point and then try to get forget about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

takingthestairs · 13/08/2012 15:06

No need for you to say sorry scuzy, I probably would have thought the same myself 5 years ago! but thank you.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 13/08/2012 15:10

Tone is everything, isn't it?
I'm British in Australia and have had the occasional "whinging Pom" thrown at me - but mostly in good humour. Except once. And that once rankles, because you do feel like someone is judging you purely on where you come from, which isn't pleasant or necessary.

I know that the comment wasn't aimed at you, but it doesn't really matter, does it.

I think your DH should have a word to his mate and explain that he overstepped the mark a little, ask him to perhaps avoid doing the same again and then you all move on from it.

CailinDana · 13/08/2012 15:11

Taking I found exactly the same as you - anti Irish comments didn't really bother me when I lived in Ireland, I suppose because I was in the majority and the general Irish attitude is just to laugh it off, but when I moved to England I found it much more hurtful and personal, probably because I was very much in the minority and no one ever stood up for me. Scuzy, I think you might find the same if you were suddenly a "foreigner" who was made to feel different and singled out in a group of people who should be your friends.

I think Magic has given good advice, although for me it was very hard to continue to be friends with people who made stupid comments and in some cases persisted in making comments in spite of me asking them not to.

Original poster

takingthestairs · 13/08/2012 15:12

Thanks thumbwitch You've hit the nail on the head, and I'm going to show my DH this thread and ask him to speak to his friend like you suggested.

OP posts:

icecold · 13/08/2012 15:13

minority/majority dynamics are everything when it comes to prejudice

Tis why black on white racism isnt anything like white on black....

wolvesdidit · 13/08/2012 15:16

I'm N.Irish and been living in England for 10 years. I have put up with a lot of 'humourous' rascism including from an ex boss. They wouldn't make the same comments about a black person so why is it OK if you are Irish? Also maybe English people don't understand this, but Irish history is full of the English treating us as sub-human, idiot, monkey people (see cartoons from English papers during the Irish famines). It can still rankle to be called a 'paddy' or to have certain racist assumptions made about us (eg all have big families, drink too much, are Catholic etc). Tell him to never speak about Irish people like that again. Prejudice only ends when people are strong enough to challenge it.

As for people on here saying it doesn't bother them. Well I guess in the 70s you'd have got black people saying that about mainstream racist humour or the kind of women who don't mind pole dancing clubs etc. We are all entitled to an opinion but it doesn't stop some opinions being stupid and wrong :)

wolvesdidit · 13/08/2012 15:17

sp: racism

ChickensArentEligableForGold · 13/08/2012 15:20

Context is everything. DH is Irish, and not phased by paddy as used jokingly in Ireland. It would have a very different connotation if used by a non-Irish person where DH felt in the minority, I suspect. It's that thing of being singled out, and your difference made a focus, which you have no control over. It feels like bullying.

FelicitywasSarca · 13/08/2012 15:20

I agree tone is everything. If it was a joke you would have laughed (isn't that what we teach 5 year olds, - if everyone isn't laughing it isn't a joke). Nasty. I would probably distance myself from this man.

VolAuVent · 13/08/2012 15:22

YANBU

Original poster

takingthestairs · 13/08/2012 15:23

Thank you all for your support, really and truly.
Knowing I'm not being silly makes me feel a bit stronger (if that makes sense).

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3