offended by what a friend said

[takingthestairs]

This is my first AIBU so please be gentle!

On Saturday while at a party, a gang of us were watching one of the Olympic boxing matches. It was GB v Ireland. I'm Irish, my DH is British. Most of the people watching the match were British but there was one other Irish woman there too. There was a bit of good hearted shouting at the tv for each side when my DH's best friend shouted, in quite a nasty way, "Go on, smack the bloody Paddy" in support of the GB boxer. There was a nervous lull in the chat from everyone else because the tone and the way it was said was quite vicious coupled with the derogatory "Paddy" term used. My DH gave his friend a poke in the side and his friend gave an apology, which was negated by the fact that he laughed through his apology. I and the other Irish woman froze because it really did feel very nasty.

I've had abuse in "joke" form before from other people based on me being Irish but never from someone that I would consider to be a good friend and I'm still quite upset by it. I don't know if I'm so upset because it came from someone close to me.
Even my DH was quite shocked by the sentiment and the way it was said.
The man who said it is normally really lovely but with a couple of drinks, he can turn into a bit of a brat.

So what I'm asking is AIBU to be still upset and if I am, how do I grow a thicker skin?

that sounds like exactly the type of thing that would come out of my dads mouth and he is Irish!

the 'paddy' comment is not something that would offend us, We had an Irish wolf hound called Paddy!

the nastiness of how he said it is unacceptable!

YANBU, of course, OP. You wouldn't believe the kinds of thing I've had said to me down the fifteen years I've lived in England, a country of which I'm very fond. And by friends/family of friends in dinner party situations, not strangers, and not even in the heightened atmosphere of a sports event. I've had snide comments on my accent, remarks about drunken/superstitious/feckless Irish people, being told I come from a 'developing country', and been expected to agree with the most ridiculous and unfounded generalisations about what 'the Irish' are like, usually based on an almost total ignorance of a neighbouring country.

The real nadir was being godmother to the baby of one of my best friends and having her BIL, who was standing in for my absent Irish partner as godfather, do a funny voice - his idea of a 'bog' accent - all through the ceremony.

I agree you need to tackle these kinds of remarks at the time.

but he was shouting it at grown men hitting each other, it isnt exactly a nice situation! If he had shouted hit the bloody irish man would that be ok? I think it is nasty to say hit anyone no matter what word you use to describe them.

I think we should all use names rather than terms that might be rude but if people do say something once in a while especially when the comment isn't actually directed at you it is a little unreasonable to take it as such a serious offence.

I agree that it can be about the tone.
I'm Scottish, and I don't mind a bit of banter but occasionally I've just gone (well more honestly WTF) at comments that just go over the line.
There are many threads I've gone onto here on MN discussing issues in Scotland where there are some truly ignorant remarks.
It goes both ways though, there are many people that despise Andy Murray because he said the 'Anyone but England' remark many years ago during a world cup.
I thought it was banter, many English didn't and have never forgotten.
And calling Team GB England over and over again on some media outlets really has pissed me off too.

I don't think younger people realise it's offensive tbh but you are well within your rights to explain to someone why it is offensive and why it upset you all and none of you did. Therefore whoever said it will still think it was just a bit of a laugh. I am not having a go at you, i know how it is but when people joke and say retard in front of me I pull them up on it, and yes it's draining, but it's the only way to stop people accidentally using offensive language in a casual way.

(I am have a child with severe learning disabilities re. 'retard')

sorry about random am, I really should preview and I am too lazy

Honest question: I grew up in South Africa so I do not know why the word "Paddy" is offensive. Can someone tell me? Where does it originate from?

I agree with a PP who mentioned the tone in which something is said - that can make all the difference between bening really offensive and a twat, or being jokey and jovial.

Paddy said that way is offensive. I've sacked someone for it. So YANBU. If you want to maintain a relationship with you DH's best mate (and I can understand that you might be willing to) then DH, or you, definitely need to call him on it. It's not big and it's not clever and it's not funny.

yes it is offensive you are right, but it's just the way people cover up things with laughter and it's a joke and no-one takes anything seriously unless called on it and even then sometimes they don't. i wish people would just realise how emotive language can be, but maybe they never will

I don't personally find the term offensive but what I find confusing is the people who are claiming it's the 'tone' in which it's said. On this occasion it was said in context. The guy was watching an aggressive sport and therefore said it in an aggressive tone. Had he said it during synchronised swimming 'oh look how dainty the Paddy's are moving around the water'. Still offensive even though there was a compliment there and no aggression ?

Are you not supposed to say "i'm going out for paddy's day"?

honeytea you can say it if you wish, it really depends what company you're keeping. If you are with like minded friends then fine. Just be prepared to be shot down if you offend someone. What is acceptable for one may not be for the other.

I always find that Paddy, Kiwi, Pom are not usually found particularly offensive in my own circle, probably because most of us are one or the other. On the other hand terms like Nigger, Spook, etc are clearly offensive and aren't used.

But the context is the whole crux.
Paddy, Jock, Taffy can be used affectionately and most people use it that way.
Can I just ask though, what is the word for the English we can use?
Is there one?

I agree Lady that they can be used affectionately but so many disagree and claim it's 100% racist. I just think that these days you have to be sure of the company you are in before you use certain language.

I find it confusing as I have Irish friends that will talk about paddy's day, so I just sort of followed their lead.

here in Sweden they call English people their word for pale maybe they just call me this? In australia they call English people poms.

honeytea St Paddy's day is short for St Patrick's day, the official name of the day (which you probably know) so in that context Paddy is fine as it's short for Patrick.
Referring to some one as Paddy (in a nasty way) just because they're Irish when it isn't their name isn't fine. Do you see the difference?

Paddy as a shortened version of Patrick (as in 'Going out for a Paddy's day drink' on 17 March) is, IMHO fine. If the person's name is Patrick. And if they don't mind being called Paddy.

Calling someone Paddy (if it isn't their preferred shortening of their name) is risking offence. Some Irish people may, between themselves, choose to use the word. (In the same way that some communities have seized words previously used to denigrate them - such as 'queer'.) That's up to them.

I'm Irish (and British). I came to live in England in the 1970s. There were still signs up in B&Bs/pubs etc saying 'No Dogs, No Blacks (or the even more offensive N word) and No Paddies. So maybe I am a bit sensitive.

Sorry x-post with OP

it was offensive. he's unlikely to change but at least now you know what he''s like.

Cracker? lady