Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

offended by what a friend said

70 replies

takingthestairs · 13/08/2012 14:53

This is my first AIBU so please be gentle!

On Saturday while at a party, a gang of us were watching one of the Olympic boxing matches. It was GB v Ireland. I'm Irish, my DH is British. Most of the people watching the match were British but there was one other Irish woman there too. There was a bit of good hearted shouting at the tv for each side when my DH's best friend shouted, in quite a nasty way, "Go on, smack the bloody Paddy" in support of the GB boxer. There was a nervous lull in the chat from everyone else because the tone and the way it was said was quite vicious coupled with the derogatory "Paddy" term used. My DH gave his friend a poke in the side and his friend gave an apology, which was negated by the fact that he laughed through his apology. I and the other Irish woman froze because it really did feel very nasty.

I've had abuse in "joke" form before from other people based on me being Irish but never from someone that I would consider to be a good friend and I'm still quite upset by it. I don't know if I'm so upset because it came from someone close to me.
Even my DH was quite shocked by the sentiment and the way it was said.
The man who said it is normally really lovely but with a couple of drinks, he can turn into a bit of a brat.

So what I'm asking is AIBU to be still upset and if I am, how do I grow a thicker skin?

OP posts:
FiveMonths · 13/08/2012 15:23

I'd be offended and I'm not even Irish. He sounds like a twat.

No excuse - but perhaps he won't do it lightly again, hopefully he felt stupid enough to learn.

It was rude and aggressive and not funny. He might not have realised it would sound so bad - maybe his folks talk like that and he never considered it. But if he persists after being told, you'll know what to think.

FiveMonths · 13/08/2012 15:25

Might I just hijack a little and ask if it is offensive to like Father Ted?

I love it but I always feel guilty laughing at it. I've nothing against Irish people and have some close Irish friends and an ex I still am close to, as well, but I know that doesn't mean anything if I'm actually being racist.

I hope it's not a bad thing to find those programmes funny...I never mentioned or quoted from it to these people, just in case. Blush

FiveMonths · 13/08/2012 15:26

I should add I grew up in a Catholic environment, but it isn't that so much either, it is only that they are so stupid.

They could be from anywhere I think.

scuzy · 13/08/2012 15:29

lol Fivemonths Father Ted is comical ... your not racist to enjoy it. it wouldnt be televised if there was even a hint of it.

Original poster
takingthestairs · 13/08/2012 15:33

fivemonths - you can laugh away at Father Ted with no shame/guilt. Honestly!

OP posts:
MaisyMooCow · 13/08/2012 15:39

I'd have just told him to Fuck Off there and then if it had bothered me so much but then I'm already thick skinned.

If you don't tackle these things when they happen but ponder over them then you're going struggle in life.

honeytea · 13/08/2012 15:40

I would not know that paddy is ofensive, I have never been around people who say paddy but I wouldn't know it was rude, I am half irish but it's my dad's family that is Irish and I never had much to do with them so I don't know much about Irish culture/history.

I live in Sweden and the Swedes are called "Svens" to non Swedish people who live here. It isn't an offensive term just there are lots of Swedish people called Sven.

When I lived in Australia the term pom anoyed me when people talked about me as the pom rather than use my name, I actually said to my boss when she called me a pom "it actually wasnt my great grandparents who were prisoners of her majesty (I was told this is what pom ment (?))it was your grandparents who were prisoners." I didn't mind when people said things like "she lives with a load of poms" or "I went out on Friday with the pommy girls" "the poms won the cricket" it just anoyed me when it was used in reference to only me.

I think boxing is an ugly and violent sport and people's reactions to watching other people beating each other up might make their own usual personalities go out of the window. He was shouting at the TV for the English person to punch the Irish person, that is the idea of boxing!

scuzy · 13/08/2012 15:44

honeytea i have no idea what is the point you are making in your last paragraph tbh.

honeytea · 13/08/2012 15:53

My point is that when you choose to watch a violent sport the idea is hitting, people might say things that are agresive. I didn't realise that paddy was a mean thing to say maybe the friend didn't realise this either. I think it is horrid for groups of people to gain enjoyment by watching people fighting. I am much more shocked that most people think it's ok to watch men hit each other in the name of sport but a man shouting the word paddy is ofensive.

FiveMonths · 13/08/2012 15:54

thanks girls Smile

MaisyMooCow · 13/08/2012 15:54

I am much more shocked that most people think it's ok to watch men hit each other in the name of sport but a man shouting the word paddy is ofensive

A point well made.

CailinDana · 13/08/2012 15:58

I'm not a fan of boxing either honey but I suppose the difference is the OP wasn't being forced to watch it so she clearly doesn't find it offensive, whereas a friend shouting a racist remark in front of her isn't something she would choose to have happen as a leisure activity.

Longdistance · 13/08/2012 16:02

If it was said in venom then yanbu.
I have lots of Irish friends and have had a few bf's that were Irish and wouldn't tease. But, the rugby crowd of friends that are my dh's friends seem to tease each other about being Irish, Welsh, Scottish, but I ignore them.
Possibly mention that the comment offended you in passing, but don't let it get to you.

honeytea · 13/08/2012 16:06

I tend to call people by their names rather than a slang term for the country they come from. I must look into which names are rude and which are not. So is pom rude? or calling a Swede a viking?

Also I don't think it is a racist term as arn't white Irish people the same race as white Englsih people? I'm not mixed race being half Irish and half Englsih. Maybe a prejudiced term would be a better way to put it.

MaisyMooCow · 13/08/2012 16:06

I'm wondering if the OP goes to many sports gatherings because the amount of abuse, sexism and racism that gets chanted at these events is enough to send people quivering into a corner if they don't get a grip and toughen up. Don't get me wrong, it's not acceptable but it goes on. As I said before you just have to tackle the issue there and then.

JennerOSity · 13/08/2012 16:09

YANBU. I think drink is very revealing about people. When alcohol removes lowers the inhibitions we get a good look at the melting pot inside and a glimpse of the deep down real character. Some people get all lovey on booze - others get nasty. This bloke is nasty on drink, then IMHO he is a bit nasty deep down. I'd be keeping my distance from now on. I like nice people in my life and don't have time for nasty ones.

JennerOSity · 13/08/2012 16:11

Agree the tone is everything really. I get teased for being a short-arse and tease my tall friends for being lanky back. All the things we say to each other would be entirely different with a different look in the eye and voice.

Original poster
takingthestairs · 13/08/2012 16:19

honeytea Racism is not based on only the colour of your skin. The term is also used to describe discrimination on an ethnic or cultural basis.

But like others say it depends on the tone used.

MaisyMooCow I'm the OP and I do go to sporting events and I know the difference between good hearted banter and nastiness. This was nastiness and the reason I was upset was because it came from a friend and I was shocked.

OP posts:
RunnerHasbeen · 13/08/2012 16:31

I think it sounds bad and yanbu to be upset on Saturday but you shouldn't still be upset about it now (for your sake), there is no way he will have given it a second thought. Resolve to speak up next time and learn from the situation instead of letting it bug you this much and get your husband to say something if you think it will help draw a line under this for you. I don't really think this is a healthy way to deal with things - to ask strangers to validate your irritation - better for everyone involved to either deal with it at the time or move on and resolve to deal with things better in the future. You don't need a thicker skin, but one you can shed.

Megatron · 13/08/2012 16:32

I get the piss taken out of me all the time because I'm Scottish living in England. Doesn't normally bother me at all and I agree that tone is everything. Have had one incident fairly recently which really did upset me as it was particularly nasty when the husband of a friend of mine told me that although I've lived here for 20 years I'll never really fit in and that he actually resents the fact that I have an English persons job. I consoled myself with the fact that he is just a cock.

iggi777 · 13/08/2012 16:38

Honeytea prejudice/discrimination against Irish people does count as racism.

Rather than individuals'toughening up' at sporting events due to the amount of racism overheard, surely the events should be toughening up their stance on racism (and sexism/sectarianism/homophobia). That does seem an example of putting the burden onto the victim to change things.

WelshMaenad · 13/08/2012 16:58

Would it have been funny if the Brit was fighting someone black snd he had said "smack the bloody nigger"?

No. It would have been racist. "smack the bloody Paddy" is racist. The man is a racist twat. I suggest that next time you see him you launch at him and punch him in the jaw screaming "smack the fucking racist". I fucking would.

Welsh 1/4 Irish and proud Maenad.

honeytea · 13/08/2012 17:24

But what if he was fighting someone from new zealand and shouted smack the bloody kiwi is that rude? Or an australian shouting smack the bloody pom?

Decameron · 13/08/2012 17:55

It depends on the tone and social context, Honeytea. Just because one person doesn't find something offensive does not mean everyone shares the same view.

I am Irish and have had several effing Paddy comments at work. It is racism and it wasn't said as a joke. I called them on it. Go Maenad!

Fourfingerkitkat · 13/08/2012 18:01

WelshMaenad - Your comment had me spitting out my tea laughing...Well said !

I'm Scottish and used to have a guy on the phone from London (English guy) who often used the term Jock and Sweaty Sock...It was never said in an aggressive tone but still used to irritate me hence the reason I often made a rude wanking movement when I was talking to him on the phone. Juvenile yes but it made me laugh.

I personally don't like the use of Jock, Pom, Paddy, etc....it just seems a bit ignorant to me not to use the person's name. And if some shouted "hit the bloody Jock" I'd certainly be offended. He sounds like an A grade fanny...