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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vacuous women - the case against

90 replies

Birdspa · 12/08/2012 07:59

I'm talking about the wives of my husband's friends. All they talk about is shopping, where they bought what from, the case for wedges over flats and fake tan bookings. Can someone please save me?! I am drowning in a vacuum of nothingness. I am trembling at the thought of another dinner party.

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 12/08/2012 09:47

lovebunny, I think you started the unpleasantness when you lumped all women together because they talk about "washing powder and celebrities". Now that really is an insult.

SamuelWestsMistress · 12/08/2012 09:50

Sounds like perhaps you don't have the social skills to change the direction of conversation!

icecold · 12/08/2012 09:54

You expect women to take your insults lying down lovebunny?

catgirl2012 · 12/08/2012 09:58

Talk to the men?

Assuming they are any more interesting, which, if that really is what their wives are like, probably not.

It is only one evening. Perhaps they normally talk about art installations and the eurozone crisis but want a night off?

Lovebunny - perhaps you find women to be like this as they feel there is no point having a "proper" conversation with you?

lovebunny · 12/08/2012 09:59

no, youoldslag, what i did was give advice (be like them, they might have more to offer but be keeping it hidden) and speak from experience (the women i meet really do want that level of conversation so i avoid them).
if you want to take offence at that, please feel free, but that is your problem, not mine.

icecold · 12/08/2012 10:02

Why do you come onto MN, if you find women so boring lovebunny?

EdgarOlymPic · 12/08/2012 10:02

heels, fake tan etc are the things you talk about as small talk - this is safe conversation territory.

when you know each other better you can then talk about your husbands being twats, your kids driving you up the wall ...meaningful though still ultimately inconsequential stuff!

Birdsgottafly · 12/08/2012 10:05

The OP needs to come back and tell us what she would like to talk about and where she gets her information from.

I enjoy a good natter about trivia, occassionaly, but there are people (not just women) who know nothing but what they read in crap papers and such that i won't get into conversation with, because it is pointless, so i stick to talking about beauty or the telly etc.

icecold · 12/08/2012 10:05

I never talk about heels or fake tan edgar Confused

NoComet · 12/08/2012 10:05

Another bunny here who has, since I was a very little girl, much preferred to seek out men. Used to love going to with dad to see his mates even if the talk was cars, bikes and electronics.

Girls giggling about makeup, hair and BFs that changed every week, yerk!

Fortunately I married a geek and his friends wives tend to be technical people to. Several with better maths degrees than their DPs.

Yes our talk does tend to schools, exam choices and the like, but from a reasonably informed starting point.

Make up, fake tan, never!

catgirl2012 · 12/08/2012 10:06

The long cold nights must fly by..................

Birdsgottafly · 12/08/2012 10:10

and his friends wives

That is the difference though, when you are in the company of peopl ethat you don't know well but have to keep a polite relationship with, you hav eto pick safe subjects.

It depends on who is in the circle, my two elder DD's are on a career path, my youngest has LD's, talk to me about schools and it would fall flat. I could give you are detailed conversation about the politics behind SEN education,but i get fed up about daily to want to enjoy myself when out.

Passmethecrisps · 12/08/2012 10:11

See, this is why I prefer staying in the house. Not because I judge other people's chat but because I find makin and maintaining chat so difficult with people I don't really know.

Personally, if I am with a group of women who chat away about something easy for me to join in with I would be delighted. In fact, I might even go so far as to consider it polite. If they know nothing about me but they know each other fairly well fashion and such like is a safe topic - even if you are not interested. I don't fake tan etc etc but I can still contribute to the conversation.

There is nothing worse than stilted chat - if it flows then go with it. Think of ways, however, to link it to things you are interested in.

Passmethecrisps · 12/08/2012 10:21

Oh, the other thing I meant to say was I wanted to ask why the conversation is split by sex anyway? When I have or attend dinner parties everyone talks I everyone at some point. Is it very gender split? If it is then it might go some way to explaining the OP's discomfort.

We once had a lovely couple round for lunch. They are of a very different culture and men and women don't have mixed conversation (this was the experience we have with this couple - it may well not be he experience of everyone). There were 5 of us there so the conversation should have been flowing but it wasn't. Every time I tried to join the conversation the men were having it stopped awkwardly. Not knowing each other at all the three women were left pretty conversationally bereft. I was asked repeatedly did I not like children to explain why i didn't have any and then eventually we moved on to what time we went to bed. It was just as much my fault for not having any conversational asides I could fall back on.

Still makes me wince - give me make up and handbags over stony silence any day.

fruitybread · 12/08/2012 10:22

What an odd post (from OP).

Don't you have any female friends of your own? What are these dinner parties you have to go to with your husband and his friends' wives (eg is this a work related thing you can't get out of?)

I think if you are very contemptuous of them, they will pick up on it, and really' that's not going to help any kind of conversation. What do you want to talk about? Have you tried?

It's worth remembering that you only see a small part of someone at a dinner party - they may feel socially anxious and feel very safe with non contentious topics.

I don't fake tan or enjoy shopping, but I do totally get that other people do (I love make up, not that you would know it to look at me) and that for a lot of them, it's a welcome release either from a stressy job or running around after other people. I know someone who works as a physio with children with all manner of disability and sometimes life limiting illness. She's passionate about disability rights and actually reads all the books I keep thinking I should....She's also madly and deeply into shoes, of the exotic high and tottering kind, and will spend hours combing e-bay for more perfect shoes.

It is possible to love shopping and also think Deep Thorts.

Passmethecrisps · 12/08/2012 10:30

I read that as 'deep throats'! I was thinking "Crikey, not called fruity for nothing"

JodieHarsh · 12/08/2012 10:34

How odd. I am achingly pretentious and can wank on about Proust and Hegel with the best of 'em, but to be honest if I'm out for a spot of smoked trout and a glass of chablis I'd much rather wail about my latest hair disaster and/or admire someone's shoes Confused

to be honest I think you sound a bit threatened

Birdsgottafly · 12/08/2012 10:37

Exactly,

"can wank on about Proust and Hegel"

Why the fuck would you want to, though, when you wake up of a morining what relevence does it have to your life, buying a decent pair of shoes that you like, does though.

EdgarOlymPic · 12/08/2012 10:40

being a good social body means being able to wank on a bit about anything pretty much... if the OP lacks that ability SIBU

HoleyGhost · 12/08/2012 10:42

I've been in your shoes OP, and never found a solution. My DP's friends' wives and I have nothing in common. At dinner parties the men talk football and old times, the women all talk about shopping and TOWIE. I don't fit and find the hours of small talk hard work.

Segregation along gender lines does not happen among my friends. Both DH and I can relax and enjoy ourselves.

I can see us gradually losing touch with his mates. We turn down too many invites and they probably see me as awkward and geeky.

Maybe it is time for you to meet new people?

JodieHarsh · 12/08/2012 10:48

Anyways, a good and friendly and bright conversationalist can take chat about shoes anywhere right?

I mean - you could end up talking about Frasier cos of that funny scene with the loafers (bear with me, I'm just spitballing here Grin), Germaine Greer and her 'fuck me pump' line (was it her?); travels and holidays; Tamara Mellon's love life (!); health; whether the government is right to make sure only proper surgeons can do podiatric surgery in view of the recent scandals; copyright legislation (because of the whole red-soles Laboutin thing).

If you get bored, it's because you're boring. That is very much the Harsh motto Grin

fruitybread · 12/08/2012 10:53

passmethecrisps - well, whatever floats your boat! Smile

noddyholder · 12/08/2012 10:54

Maybe thats all they talk about with you?

HoleyGhost · 12/08/2012 10:55

Grin at bringing up Germaine Greer and Frasier among those who only read 'closer' and only watch reality tv.

I would be seen as a pretentious wanker. I do small talk well, but when there can be nothing else it is tedious.

I love talking about shoes and hair with friends where the conversation can go on all kinds of tangents. And where these are not all defining.

JodieHarsh · 12/08/2012 10:57

Oh dear. I can't really imagine that there are people one couldn't talk about all those things with, if one chose to Grin

Obvs spent too long in my ivory tower...

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