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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Future MIL is guilt-tripping DP over summer visit...

60 replies

Enfyshedd · 11/08/2012 19:56

FMIL has upset DP as she's sent a text asking when will we come up to visit during the summer holidays so she can see her DGCs - DSSs are 13 & 6, DD is not quite 12 wks.

I'll just try to state the facts:

FMIL is 75, but very active. She lives about 300 miles away from us and has visited us by coming down on the bus a few times before - we have invited her down to visit again, but she keeps making comments about how nice it would be for DP's nieces (who live near her) to meet their new baby cousin.

We currently have no car. Public transport would be impossible with DSSs and DD in her pram (journey by train takes about 6 1/2 hrs with 2-3 major connections depending on route taken). FMIL suggested hiring a car and said she would give us the money for it but we can't because DP has no credit card, I have no driving licence, and we're not married yet (could hire if my credit card had same surname as DP). We've told her this, but she's taking it as if we're being deliberately obstructive.

DD is EBF & borderline high needs. Even if we had a car right now, we'd end up having to stop regularly and for a substantial amount of time for me to feed DD.

DP has PTSD following a head injury from an attack 3 1/2 years ago which means he has a short temper and a low tolerance for DD's cries when she kicks off - I don't think he trusts himself to drive safely on the motorway if DD started crying and we had a distance to go before he could come safely off the road. Also, wouldn't want a massive cleaning bill if DD manages a projectile vomit or poo in a hire car.

There's only 1 week that would be possible for us to make the journey due to immunisations and hospital appointments for DD, which would be August bank holiday week - cue a doubling of travel costs if w did do public transport.

DP is upset (so is getting a bit ratty - remember, short temper from PTSD) that his DM is upset over this and is trying to make her see that it really isn't that easy for us to travel. She currently not answering her phone so he thinks she might be sulking. We know and appreciate that she's desperate to see her DGC, and especially DD for the second time (she came down for a weekend when DD was 2 wks) and we'd really love to go visit all of them, but we can't see how it's humanely possible.

I'm considering sending FSIL a message on FB to see if she can help get FMIL to see why we can't travel up. Would this be a good idea?

Advice anyone?

OP posts:

CamperWidow · 11/08/2012 19:59

Don't know what you can do other than keep stating your case and explain clearly that it just isn't possible. Not without putting peoples' health at risk including her own sons and her GC.
Remember, No is a complete sentence.

LemonBreeland · 11/08/2012 20:00

Can you possibly agree to a visit in the future, maybe October half term to appease her that summer isn't going to happen.

ByTheWay1 · 11/08/2012 20:03

Don't know if it is the case, but it all sounds a bit like - "I don't want to go, but can't just say that, so here are 20 thousand reasons why"

Just..... say......no......

griphook · 11/08/2012 20:03

Can dm come down to see you, have you invited her down, of so every time she asks put it back on her, stating how impossible it is for you but she could come to you. But be clear that you will come down at some point

mrsscoob · 11/08/2012 20:04

Personally I would leave your partner to deal with it, they are his parents, I'd keep out of it if I were you, they could end up blaming you otherwise or you will get cross with them.

BeehavingBaby · 11/08/2012 20:06

Think msging DSIL is a good idea but also thinking that train journey sounds do-able to me if you did actually want to go? I do one on that scale annually alone with DDs and find it just about cope-able. With you in one carriage and DH in another with the older boys it should be fine. Use SendItNow.com to post your luggage ahead. Confused as to why bank hol train travel would be more expensive - family railcard is a must at any rate. Delaying one set of vaccs a week isn't too much of a problem either.

thepeoplesprincess · 11/08/2012 20:07

Dont keep stating your case, and don't message your SIL either. You've said no already, end of. Anything further will just lead to more aggro.

NatashaBee · 11/08/2012 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iggly · 11/08/2012 20:14

Stay out of it. Your DP can deal with it. It's his mother.

Don't go! Sounds like madness quite frankly.

DontmindifIdo · 11/08/2012 20:20

Stick to 'no' - you don't want to, it will be hard work whichever way you go and the timing doesn't work - perhaps the next half term might be more appropriate time to meet the cousins?

I'm sure the cousins would like to meet the new little one, but it's not the end of the world if they don't soon. That's just one of those things when families live far distances between.

NCForNow · 11/08/2012 20:33

You're being dfficult if you ask me. We have no car...2 DC and regularly use trains. Why would trains be impossible? They're easy! You can BF on a train ffs.

NCForNow · 11/08/2012 20:34

If you just don't want to go then why not tell her you will go up during Autumn half term? It will give her something to look forward to.

Original poster

Enfyshedd · 11/08/2012 21:44

FMIL was previously happy with the idea to come down for a weekend to see us all then take DSSs up for a few days so they can have a few baby sis free days and be spoiled rotten, then she decided she wanted us to all come up and it all started to go wrong...

BeehavingBaby - Previous experience tells us that by now it would be difficult to get seats together for us anyway for B/Hol week.

NCForNow - DSSs are 13 & 6. DSS1 has a tendency to wander off unless you keep a really close eye on him, DSS2 is a whippet and always manages to get into some scrapes - they always wind each other up and end up fighting. Also, usually we can barely find enough storage for our cases, and finding room for DD's tankpram would seem to be an impossible task.

Autumn half term should be more achieveable as we should have a car and DD will have started solids by then so hopefully would have stopped cluster feeding all evening but at the moment FMIL won't answer the phone to DP. DP's really upset that she won't talk right now.

OP posts:

NCForNow · 11/08/2012 21:50

She's probably forgotten how babies are. Why don't you get the older DC to make a card with a written message in it about how they'd love to come and visit in Autumn hols...and post it.

Unless she's made of stone, she should thaw then.

75 year olds can often be cantankerous!

DamnBamboo · 11/08/2012 21:58

It's fairly obvious from your post that you don't want to go. Perhaps that's what she's picking up on. I've travelled further, under a lot more stressful conditions with three much younger children because we wanted to! We just got on with it.

DontmindifIdo · 11/08/2012 22:01

I do'nt htink you should just go for it, if she will come to you and Autumn would be more practical, offer that. it might be nice for the cousins to meet, but it's not really goign to be a big deal other than "oh look, a baby" - another couple of months won't make a big difference for them and your SIL could come to visit you (I'm sure it would be easier for her to travel with older DCs).

squeakytoy · 11/08/2012 22:02

You do seem to be finding as many obstacles as possible. I cannot see why travelling on the train or coach with a teenager and a 6yo would be difficult. They can both walk and carry their own luggage.

ArtexMonkey · 11/08/2012 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mercibucket · 11/08/2012 22:06

As damnbamboo says, really

Your post sounds like a lot of excuses strung together. Sometimes, honesty or near honesty is the best policy - or at least admit it to yourself. You don't want to go.

MagicHouse · 11/08/2012 22:06

I think it's fair enough you don't want to take your little baby on such a huge trip by train. (Though in reality, if she's bf, it probably wouldn't be too difficult). I agree with not labouring the point though. Just send a card with some photos saying it's not possible at the moment, as DD is not an easy baby and a long journey would be very stressful for all of you, but as soon as you can you'll go up to see her. In the mean time she (and your DD's cousins and family) are all very welcome to visit you.

Original poster

Enfyshedd · 11/08/2012 22:47

DamnBamboo, mercibucket & ArtexMonkey - I'm trying to see where I've said I don't want to go? To be honest, it would be far easier to take DD out for a walk at FMIL's as we live in a really hilly area and she lives somewhere a lot flatter. FMIL is a really lovely lady and we get on really well. She has a lovely house with a garden (we have no garden). Anyway, I haven't even spoken to her - DP has. I'm not avoiding her, it's just that DP rarely talks to my family on the phone and I rarely talk to his family on the phone - that's just the way we are.

squeakytoy - DSS2 will carry his own luggage for about 20 yards then decide that it's too heavy - this is the case whether he has a rucksack with a change of clothes or a comic (seriously - he has complained about a comic being too heavy to carry).

ArtexMonkey - I may not need a tank sized pram, but that's what I've got. And I'm not worried about DSSs wandering off on the train, I'm worried about them wandering off during one of the 3 connections we have to make on the journey, all of which are at very busy mainline stations - twice this week DP & I have had to grab DSS2 after he's wandered into the road because he's looking at something other than where he's going. Not fancying that experience near the edge of a train platform. (shudders)

OP posts:

PooPooInMyToes · 11/08/2012 22:57

Why can't you hire a car without a credit card? I've never done it so don't know much about it. Could you not get one for just this purpose? And obviously pay it off immediately so you don't pay interest. Not suggesting you get in debt!

The poo in the car isn't an issue either as even if they do a massive poo its not going to get on the hire car unless you change the nappy on the seat. Baby will have nappy on and be in your car seat so Im not sure how it would get on the car.

I can see that there are some real problems there, mostly your DHs problems.

DamnBamboo · 11/08/2012 23:02

You haven't said you don't want to outright, but a lot of your reasons for going, are in my view, not that big a deal.

So what if you have to stop and breastfeed? So what?

Cleaning bill in case your baby poos/vomits in the car?

If you take public transport there are two adults, your DH can watch the 6 year old and surely the 13 year old can just walk nicely with you.

Immunisations delay by a day or two, or even a week at this age, is really no big deal as long as you get them done.

These are, in my view, poor excuses!

DamnBamboo · 11/08/2012 23:02

for not going

DamnBamboo · 11/08/2012 23:04

p.s I make no judgement of you for not wanting to go (if in fact this is true) but I do judge you for what are lame excuses.

Also, as an aside, can you never then leave your little children along with your DH because of his PTSD?

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