Future MIL is guilt-tripping DP over summer visit...

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FMIL has upset DP as she's sent a text asking when will we come up to visit during the summer holidays so she can see her DGCs - DSSs are 13 & 6, DD is not quite 12 wks.

I'll just try to state the facts:

FMIL is 75, but very active. She lives about 300 miles away from us and has visited us by coming down on the bus a few times before - we have invited her down to visit again, but she keeps making comments about how nice it would be for DP's nieces (who live near her) to meet their new baby cousin.

We currently have no car. Public transport would be impossible with DSSs and DD in her pram (journey by train takes about 6 1/2 hrs with 2-3 major connections depending on route taken). FMIL suggested hiring a car and said she would give us the money for it but we can't because DP has no credit card, I have no driving licence, and we're not married yet (could hire if my credit card had same surname as DP). We've told her this, but she's taking it as if we're being deliberately obstructive.

DD is EBF & borderline high needs. Even if we had a car right now, we'd end up having to stop regularly and for a substantial amount of time for me to feed DD.

DP has PTSD following a head injury from an attack 3 1/2 years ago which means he has a short temper and a low tolerance for DD's cries when she kicks off - I don't think he trusts himself to drive safely on the motorway if DD started crying and we had a distance to go before he could come safely off the road. Also, wouldn't want a massive cleaning bill if DD manages a projectile vomit or poo in a hire car.

There's only 1 week that would be possible for us to make the journey due to immunisations and hospital appointments for DD, which would be August bank holiday week - cue a doubling of travel costs if w did do public transport.

DP is upset (so is getting a bit ratty - remember, short temper from PTSD) that his DM is upset over this and is trying to make her see that it really isn't that easy for us to travel. She currently not answering her phone so he thinks she might be sulking. We know and appreciate that she's desperate to see her DGC, and especially DD for the second time (she came down for a weekend when DD was 2 wks) and we'd really love to go visit all of them, but we can't see how it's humanely possible.

I'm considering sending FSIL a message on FB to see if she can help get FMIL to see why we can't travel up. Would this be a good idea?

Advice anyone?

If your DSS2 won't even carry a comic
a) that is because he gets away with it
b) don't buy him an ice-cream next time you all have one, or a bag of chips or whatever and just say 'it's too heavy'. Should put a stop to that sharpish.

PooPoo - Hire car companies want a credit card for guarantee purposes, so if you don't bring it back on time they can charge for it. Last year, all firms with local bases told us this over the phone except the prats who let us catch a bus which cost about £10 for 4 of us and a 20 minute walk across the industrial estate and told us when we were crammed into their office. I have a card and DP doesn't have one on principle - I respect his reasons in that matter.

Well to my mind it would be easier for just MIL to travel.

However, that doesn´t solve the cousins meeting up.

I´m sure that you could do the journey if you wanted to, though.

so can you buy/borrow a baby sling that way you wont have to worry about the pram.
make the 6yo hold somebodys hand and when the 13 yo complains about carrying his own bag tell him to stop being so silly and just get on with it.

reserve seats togather and dont take anything other than essential items the world is not going to end if you dont take many clothes, babies are portable and do not require huge ammounts of equipment even if you think they do.

What's the principle for not having a card?

Oct half term in the car. Late evening baby and probably 6y will sleep. Older child, DS, iPod, kindle, mp3.

Bribe of holiday picket money for not fighting and not waking the baby.

Pocket

just sounds like you dont want to go. my dad different surname to my exp paid for him to hire a car. so you could pay for your dp.

I'd go on the train. You can bf your dd-I found it guaranteed you a full set of 4 seats to yourselves people would stand rather than sit opposite a lady bfing, however discretely. The 6yo will probably love it, and the teenager should be able to amuse themselves.

Actually having done 6-8hour train journeys at various times with children I'd say that your dc are pretty good age. When they're crawling to preschoolers is the worst. if you have a sling you don't even need to take a buggy at that age.

I used to do the long journeys to see my dparents fairly regularly. You take a few sticker/puzzle books for the older ones. Get a family railcard and the dc don't cost much, and reserve the seats. If you're not put together most people will happily swap, if nothing else to save themselves from being next to a wriggly 6yo.

The only problems we had doing it was one time when we were given the wrong platform at B'ham NS. I had a 4yo and a baby at the time. Luckily there was a grandmother in the same boat, and I ran ahead with baby in sling and her older child to hold the train and she brought the luggage and dd1 and her younger one. They held the train! People are generally very helpful and kind when you've got a little one.

BTW what do you mean by dd is borderline high needs? Is this a medical term, or does it mean she's feeding a lot and not sleeping much?

A debit card would be fine for a car hire company. Does dss1 have any special needs? A 13 yo should be able to do a train journey by themselves, so don't get why he is an issue?

Just keep repeating yourself, 'it's not possible at the moment, we've told you the reasons why, I'm sorry you don't like it but there you go'

I've done train journeys sometimes long with young babies - but while it possible it never been easy and TBH we've tried to avoid especially if very soon after you have to make the same journey back again.

I'd go with -this is a great idea but just to much for us now. Your welcome to come down here which at the moment would be so much easier for us and we'd appreciate it but would love this idea when things are a bit easier.

Then ignore any sulking and any pressure repeat the above again.

Given more time, better preparation - better equipment, ability to hire a car, older baby and less time pressure and more sleep it will all seem much easier.

We took the view, after some horrendous journeys with babies on trains and buses followed by exhausting visits then same journey back, that family could come to us for a bit which didn't always go down well. After all we'll be doing all the traveling to them in distance future when they become frail.

It really wasn't long before it all got much easier.

I'd go with deferring it till October, or whenever suits you and your family best. My parents are 250 miles away and it's still a long haul to visit, even past the babies stage.

Maybe consider your DP going with the DSs, tank & luggage by car, and you go with the baby in a sling on the train. Might cost a little more but you might be able to get a good advance deal for yourself on the train.

The immunisations are booked for this week, there is a hospital appointment for DD next week. DD spent her first week in SCBU, so I probably am being a bit PFB about not wanting to cancel her medical appointments and I don't think I need to apologise to anyone about that. DP has tried to call his DM to let her know about the appointments, but she wouldn't answer - will try again in the morning.

DamnBamboo - I am the one who tells DSS2 he can't bring X or can only have Z if he carries it himself. Most recently, I've chucked an Argos toy catalogue in the bin while walking down the street because he didn't want to carry it anymore (was suffering from a distinct lack of sleep that day). DSS2 started crying so DP got it back out for him while muttering about me being nasty to a 6 y/o. DP is receiving the appropriate help/treatment for his PTSD and can look after DD easily when out and about, but if DD starts crying in the house when there no other distractions it does make DP feel ill - this is why I have concerns about a long motorway journey with DD in the car if we can't pull over for some reason.

We don't have a car of our own at the moment.

Lora1982 - We have previously tried to hire a car - All hire car companies in local vicinity will not allow us to hire a car between us. I'm guessing your dad has a driving licence - I don't, so they won't let us hire in joint names.

Titchy - The companies all said we could pay for the hire by cash or debit card, but they wanted a credit card for guarantee purposes. DSS1 does not have SN, but he really does live with his head in the clouds - it's not so long ago that he wanted to go see his mates at 11am so was told to come home for 12.30pm as we were going out for a meal where the table was booked for 1pm; we made sure he was wearing a watch and had a fully charged phone. 12.30pm comes and we get no answer to several calls on his phone. We ended up texting him to remind him where the restaurant was and telling to get himself there ASAP. He came home at 4pm asking when we were going out for dinner.

DeWe - DD will only settle to sleep on the breast, will not be put down for more than a few minutes at a time, will not nap/sleep on her own - basically she's a lot of work (check out the Sleep forum and look at the High Need Baby Support threads for more of an idea). Also, B'ham New Street is one of the options for connections - last time we travelled we came through there on the way back (while I was pg), there were massive refurb works going on there and it was chaos; no lifts to the platforms we needed so loads of stairs to deal with.

JammySplodger - like the idea of sending the rest of them off in the car while I got the train . If DD slept, I might actually be able to get some reading done without being interrupted with "Listen to this song. Do you like it?" or "Can I play Angry Birds on your phone?", or "Ow, he kicked me" "No I didn't" "Yes you did" etc, etc, etc...

Why not just say outright that you don't want to go. You have a baby, an awkward 6yr old, a teen, and a stroppy short tempered husband who may well kick off if the baby cries, so it is perfectly understandable to anyone why you wouldn't want to try and travel anywhere with them all in tow. Tell his mum that if she wants to see the children, she is welcome to come and visit but there is no way on earth you can make the journey to her at the moment. You don't actually need an excuse at all, you have perfectly valid reasons for not being able to go. If she sulks, ignore her.

for the record i dont think anybody should be bullyed or preasured into going anywhere they dont want to for social reasons.

but come on, seriously, stop making really obvious excuses that are not really excuses

sorry posted to soon,

saying stuff like 'a high need' baby implys some sort of medical issue like having a 'special needs child' (quite rightly) does.

just say it like it is 'ive got a cryer that i find stressfull' and sorry but you have a badly behaved 13yo ss and if the whole family continues to pander to him he will carry on being a badly behaved child. get his dad to deal with his behaviour stop excusing it unless ofcourse you both dont mind having a badly behaved child.

soundalike like you don't want to go so, as others have said, you have come up with excuses. I'm another one who has travelled with more children, greater distance, more difficult conditions. I did it because I wanted to and it was worth it.

If the hire company needs a credit card you mil can leave her details over the phone. Sorted. Projectile vomiting and poo? Never had that happen but I'd bring wet wipes.

Or say you don't want to go.

Can you skype your future IL's for now and travel there when things settle down a bit?
Or maybe arrange to stay in a cottage half way there and on the way back. You should be able to hire one fairly cheaply at short notice. It'll give you a break and if you delay going until half term they will be cheaper anyway.
Or DP travels with the teen and you take the other 2.
Ask FMIL to hire the car for you and repay her.
And if the teen starts with the not carrying luggage thing, leave it on the platform... That one worked for me when my stroppy 12 year old tried it, never happened since.
There's ways and mean, I think you might be looking too much at the 300 miles and all the negatives x

You obviously don't want to go, that's fine, completely understandable.

You're grabbing at all sorts of excuses rather than being honest about it, not so understandable.

You can get a pre paid credit card on line or at tesco which you could use for guarantee o car hire. You are making excuses

I get you don't want to go. Better to say the truth EG I would find it too much with DD3 at the moment, perhaps next year. It is fine to say it just doesn't work for you right now.

if you keep making up weak excuses she will think you have a problem with her.

Christ on a bike - I love the way everyone on here seems to have decided that it's all my fault we're not going and that I don't want to go. I didn't even know about the upset until DP told me about it. Up until that point in time, I thought that they (I didn't know what was going on - I've been out & about with DD or feeding her) were confirming convenient dates for which weekend she was coming down they taking the DSSs to hers for a few days. Bloody hell, I'd love the chance to have a change of scenery as I'm going nuts only going around the town we live in day after day after day...

DP's done the journey on the train once himself with DSS1 & 2 when DSS2 was still in a pushchair (before we were together) - he says it was the stressful journey he's ever made. He is totally against the idea of doing the trip by train because of how much hassle it would be. We were hoping to have had a car of our own by now, but due to circumstances out of our control we haven't been able to get one yet.

DP's told his DM that he thinks it's currently too big a journey to do while DD is so young. She's text back saying that she'll call tomorrow as she's having a weepy day because loads of her friends are on holiday or seeing their families this weekend. Hopefully, we'll get back to the original plan without any more tears and be able to make plans for a trip in October when our car situation should be sorted.

OP, I don't think you're being difficult. Your in laws are able to travel. it being nice for DNs to meet a baby is not sufficient reason to undertake a full day's travel by public transport to get somewhere. Let them come to you. There will be plenty of time for cousins to meet when your baby is older.

Op. don't worry, not everyone thinks you're being difficult