Future MIL is guilt-tripping DP over summer visit...

[Enfyshedd]

FMIL has upset DP as she's sent a text asking when will we come up to visit during the summer holidays so she can see her DGCs - DSSs are 13 & 6, DD is not quite 12 wks.

I'll just try to state the facts:

FMIL is 75, but very active. She lives about 300 miles away from us and has visited us by coming down on the bus a few times before - we have invited her down to visit again, but she keeps making comments about how nice it would be for DP's nieces (who live near her) to meet their new baby cousin.

We currently have no car. Public transport would be impossible with DSSs and DD in her pram (journey by train takes about 6 1/2 hrs with 2-3 major connections depending on route taken). FMIL suggested hiring a car and said she would give us the money for it but we can't because DP has no credit card, I have no driving licence, and we're not married yet (could hire if my credit card had same surname as DP). We've told her this, but she's taking it as if we're being deliberately obstructive.

DD is EBF & borderline high needs. Even if we had a car right now, we'd end up having to stop regularly and for a substantial amount of time for me to feed DD.

DP has PTSD following a head injury from an attack 3 1/2 years ago which means he has a short temper and a low tolerance for DD's cries when she kicks off - I don't think he trusts himself to drive safely on the motorway if DD started crying and we had a distance to go before he could come safely off the road. Also, wouldn't want a massive cleaning bill if DD manages a projectile vomit or poo in a hire car.

There's only 1 week that would be possible for us to make the journey due to immunisations and hospital appointments for DD, which would be August bank holiday week - cue a doubling of travel costs if w did do public transport.

DP is upset (so is getting a bit ratty - remember, short temper from PTSD) that his DM is upset over this and is trying to make her see that it really isn't that easy for us to travel. She currently not answering her phone so he thinks she might be sulking. We know and appreciate that she's desperate to see her DGC, and especially DD for the second time (she came down for a weekend when DD was 2 wks) and we'd really love to go visit all of them, but we can't see how it's humanely possible.

I'm considering sending FSIL a message on FB to see if she can help get FMIL to see why we can't travel up. Would this be a good idea?

Advice anyone?

She's 75. Make the effort. I have hired a car with my debit card with eurocar. Sorted. You're welcome.

I don't think you're being difficult at all! Travelling to mine or DH's parents was and still is a major logistical exercise, running-around breaks, feeding, sleeps, so much so we only do it a couple of times a year max and need several days to recover afterwards!

And we actually did the train / car combo once (as we were travelling down on different days) and it was brilliant!

Go when you're ready, not when others expect you to be.

And the ILs always travel to us by train (aged 75 and 80) and love the journey, so if your MIL is spritely (as I recall you saying) then great! Problem solved.

the weepy thing is very manipulative

I've hired a car and a van with a debit card. They took £100 extra and then refunded it once the vehicles were returned safely.

I have paid for car hire on my credit card and dp has been the driver before (different surnames) so sounds unusual that more than one rental company would refuse this.
I agree a long train journey with changes doesn't sound like much fun, although again I agree with posters who have suggested you could delay immunisations by a week so you don't have to travel on a bank holiday if you don't want to.
My IL's live a 4.5 hour drive away (train would be 6 hours) and never come to visit us, it's always us doing the visiting. If we want to see them and have them get to know ds, we just have to suck it up a few times a year...

Well, I don't think you're just trying to be difficult!

Yy to contacting SIL, if you can.

Say to MIL firmly, but kindly, "it's going to be really difficult for us to get there this summer. But we will promise to come up in October. Do you think you could come down to us, in the next couple of weeks?"

I get the car option is not possible but if you really want to go, it is possible by train.

It sounds as though you are absolving your elder two of any responsibility and making excuses for them. At their ages I would expect them to be able to help/behave enough to allow you to make a train journey with your baby and DP. Blimey- it should be enjoyable to do something a bit different.

I too have a velcro baby of roughly the same age. We have done lengthy journeys (including overseas) with no problem from about 5 weeks. It's a state of mind. If you want to go somewhere, you can. The worst that can happen is sick/poo/crying all of which is deal able with. It's nice to have a change of scene and generally people are helpful although it takes twice as long to get anywhere with all the cooing

That said, if you don't want to go, just admit it, it's fine!

She doesn't want to do the journey so why are people trying to make her? Travel when you are ready to do so op