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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really upset that DH wants me to stop taking anti-ds when they won't be 'free'

57 replies

ginkle · 10/08/2012 07:40

Long story short, I have MH issues (undiagnosed but GP prescribed me citalopram a few months ago and I do think it's taking the edge off). Have also tackled with various stints in therapy over the years.

DH has very negative opinion of MH issues after being in an abusive relationship in his early 20s with a woman who used her MH issues as an excuse to abuse him/blame him for everything.

I went through a total breakdown 3 years ago and had to dig myself out, eventually did swearing to myself I'd not do that again and sought help/pills. However still 'ashamed' and haven't insisted DH uses his work insurance to get me the psych appt I was given a referral for months ago. Own fault etc.

Part of not chasing it up was we are moving to the USA and I wasn't sure how a UK diagnosis (if any), would 'stand' or if I had time to get a diagnosis in the timeframe. Decided would approach MH issues when in the US. Decided to make an appointment with my GP to discuss whether she can give me extra pills (not sure if this is possible), to cover the adjustment period. Mentioned this to DH.

He said that as medications are very expensive in the US he had hoped I'd stop taking the anti-ds as 'we're not sure if they're making a difference anyway' (true). Then a load of guilt-tripping about money etc.

I said 'but what about the side-effects, I can't just stop!', and he said 'yeah but that's only a few days versus thousands of dollars for pills you might not even need'.

I have been up for hours brooding over it. I feel really shocked and... horrified really. Feel really diminished and shit. I CAN insist on seeing a psych, getting medication and whatever else in the USA but I really would rather be facing it all with his support. AIBU to think he is a wanker?

OP posts:
sashh · 10/08/2012 08:31

Won't you have health insurance in the states? I know they have copays but still..........

If you were diabetic eould he want you to stop insulin?
If you had a broken leg would he not want you to have a cast on?

Citalopram costs the NHS less than £3 for a month's suplly. A private prescription will cost you about £20.

Ask your GP for prescription before you go. If you are visiting the UK you can get a private prescription and get it filled privately, it won't cost you much.

DH is being a dick. Just because his ex used it as an excuse does not mean it does not exist.

Citalopran rectifies a chemical imbalance in the brain. Maybe if you just told him you had a chemical inbalance and needed pills he would be more supportive.

Sorry I can't be more help.

valiumredhead · 10/08/2012 08:34

You will need to make certain that you will have access to help once you move , you need to check exactly what you are covered for and make sure you have the funds to cover any excess charges. This could be something that you regularly need to see a doctor for.

Lovelynewboots · 10/08/2012 08:38

Do not come off Citalopram, particularly whilst you are moving. The beauty of Citalopram is it makes you feel normal and functioning and you think its not really doing anything. Believe me it is. You need to take it for at the very least six months before it puts you on the road to recovery and the last time I took it I spent a long time weaning myself off it with the support of my gp (which was really important). You would not have been prescribed it unless you need it. If you come off it suddenly you will experience some very unpleasant side effects. You need to tell your husband this. I doubt he understands the issues if he thinks you can just stop taking it.

LookBehindYou · 10/08/2012 08:40

That's why he needs to accompany her on her next apt with the doc.

Lovelynewboots · 10/08/2012 08:44

Clearly.

Original poster
ginkle · 10/08/2012 08:46

He does feel overwhelmed but he's still being (IMO), a wanker. I will try not to let it stop me seeking the help I believe I need.

OP posts:
Lovelynewboots · 10/08/2012 08:47

To be honest, you have nothing to prove to your husband. If your gp says you need the medication you need it. FFS why has it got to be spelled out to him and approved by him Hmm My partner didn't accompany me when I was diagnosed but he did support me and pay for my prescriptions.

Original poster
ginkle · 10/08/2012 08:49

I knew him and his ex and she really did do that and she really was that bad. I stupidly played up the differences between us once they broke up - set myself (go-getting, always out, positive, cheerful, fun), in opposition to her. So perhaps he feels like I misrepresented myself.

When we met I still wrongly blamed my mother's MH issues rather than the stigma and shame which meant she didn't take her medication, iyswim, so I sort of shared his views in some ways.

OP posts:
Lovelynewboots · 10/08/2012 08:49

Ginkle, your original post makes me feel that you blame yourself for having a breakdown. You musn't. Get the help you need, you cannot come off Citalopram and move to another country without experiencing some pretty difficult side effects and probably setting back your recovery.

Fireandashes · 10/08/2012 08:58

Unless he is a qualified consultant psychiatrist he has no right whatsoever to express any opinion on the medication a healthcare professional has prescribed for you.

"MH issues" is a blanket term for a wide spectrum of conditions. Just because his ex had X doesn't mean you have X or even if you have, it doesn't mean that you behave in the same way someone else with X will behave. He is unreasonable to assume so.

Even if he does feel that you misrepresented yourself (as opposed to it being possible negative thoughts projecting this) the important thing is how he behaves now. Is that going to become resentment? Or is he going to support the woman he fell in love with and who is now ill, through no fault of her own?

HappyCamel · 10/08/2012 09:06

Can you get him to attend a GP or Consultant appt with you so he can hear from a medic why they're prescribed for you nd the consequences of coming off them?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 10/08/2012 09:28

If he needs therapy for his issues, that's fair enough. But he can't use them as an excuse to act like this to you. Do you think he knows how he's behaving and can't help it, or honestly doesn't see that most people would think it was odd to give medical advice to your wife contrary to what she thinks and the doctor says?

Btw, in your OP you said you think they take the edge off.

Then you said that when he said you don't 'know' they're working, you agreed.

I don't think taking the edge off is not working. You're not going to see a switch flip, or tell-tall pink cheeks, or something physical, but if you feel they are taking the edge of that's important, that's working. And he needs to respect that.

PenisVanLesbian · 10/08/2012 10:09

AS someone who has been on anti-ds more than once, I have to go against the grain. You've told him you're not sure they are making any difference (and for some people, they really don't),and all he said was if they aren't helping you, it might not be an idea to spend thousands of dollars on them.
Not really that outrageous, is it?

It's all your decision, of course, do what you need. But I think the vitriol against him is way over the top.

PenisVanLesbian · 10/08/2012 10:13

I also don't like the fact that your MH issues are so much more important than his. You say yourself he has serious issues around the labels and stuff, for what sounds like good reasons, yet you are the poor woman and he's just a cunt?
Really, really not nice. How about giving him some of the respect you want for yourself?
I can't believe sometimes how people come on here and encourage strangers to call people they are supposed to love cunts and wankers, and dissect their personalities. Hmm

LookBehindYou · 10/08/2012 10:29

Yes I agree PVL.

Downandoutnumbered · 10/08/2012 10:36

I wondered, reading this, whether he actually wants to go to the States - you also mention that he's worried about healthcare for your DS. I must say if I had a child with a chronic health condition I'd be very anxious indeed about moving to the US.

Divinyl · 10/08/2012 20:07

Look up the costs for a 5 star USA 'shrink'. Ask him if he'd prefer to pay those out of his own pocket for as much therapy as you feel you'll need, when you don't have anyone except him to lean on for support (I am assuming this is what the situation will be with yr move) - minimum twice a week, say, to start with. Or whether the alternative of carrying on with the meds then seems a bit more sensible...

Mrsjay · 10/08/2012 20:23

I wouldn't go to america with a man who didnt believe I was ill tbh It doesnt sound safe for you to go while you are not well , you can get health insurance in the US please try and sort this and keep taking your tablets have a word with your gp about your prescription ,

BertieBotts · 10/08/2012 20:28

It sounds like he just really doesn't understand how mental health problems, or treatments for them, work.

If he genuinely thinks that the pills are a placebo, then what he's saying makes sense. But that's extremely short sighted of him :(

Also it sounds like he has massive issues surrounding his ex.

fuzzpig · 10/08/2012 20:29

If he needs therapy for his issues, that's fair enough. But he can't use them as an excuse to act like this to you.

I agree with that

SirBoobAlot · 10/08/2012 20:42

He might get triggered by mental health issues, but he's your bloody husband, and will be triggering your mental health issues if he doesn't stop acting like a prick.

I'm actually furious for you.

ImperialBlether · 10/08/2012 20:47

I think if you move to another country with a person who you can't absolutely trust to look out for you and your emotional, physical and mental health, then you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable situation.

Please get yourself help here. It can take a while to get the right medication but when you get it you'll know it.

You should have the psych referral asap and I think you could do with some counselling to discuss whether emigrating with a man like this will bring you happiness.

Glitterknickaz · 10/08/2012 20:58

Financial deprivation and denying someone much needed medication are both domestic abuse.

Just saying.

CaliforniaLeaving · 10/08/2012 20:59

He is being a total wanker. Moving to another country is very stressful and can trigger all kinds of things you never thought of. I would hope the move includes medical coverage from his new job, if not I'd be think twice about the move, one major illness or accident can bankrupt you.
If you have your diagnosis already and a prescription from your GP the new US doctor is able to prescribe AD's for you, generic too that cost very little, so that isn't the problem. Your Dh is.

FutureNannyOgg · 10/08/2012 21:42

Do not go cold turkey on citalopram. It's horrendous. You must come off it gradually and under medical supervision. I was on 40mg a day and stopped suddenly when my repeat prescription messed up. I had serious paranoia, hallucinations, all sorts.

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