Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to be really upset that DH wants me to stop taking anti-ds when they won't be 'free'

57 replies

ginkle · 10/08/2012 07:40

Long story short, I have MH issues (undiagnosed but GP prescribed me citalopram a few months ago and I do think it's taking the edge off). Have also tackled with various stints in therapy over the years.

DH has very negative opinion of MH issues after being in an abusive relationship in his early 20s with a woman who used her MH issues as an excuse to abuse him/blame him for everything.

I went through a total breakdown 3 years ago and had to dig myself out, eventually did swearing to myself I'd not do that again and sought help/pills. However still 'ashamed' and haven't insisted DH uses his work insurance to get me the psych appt I was given a referral for months ago. Own fault etc.

Part of not chasing it up was we are moving to the USA and I wasn't sure how a UK diagnosis (if any), would 'stand' or if I had time to get a diagnosis in the timeframe. Decided would approach MH issues when in the US. Decided to make an appointment with my GP to discuss whether she can give me extra pills (not sure if this is possible), to cover the adjustment period. Mentioned this to DH.

He said that as medications are very expensive in the US he had hoped I'd stop taking the anti-ds as 'we're not sure if they're making a difference anyway' (true). Then a load of guilt-tripping about money etc.

I said 'but what about the side-effects, I can't just stop!', and he said 'yeah but that's only a few days versus thousands of dollars for pills you might not even need'.

I have been up for hours brooding over it. I feel really shocked and... horrified really. Feel really diminished and shit. I CAN insist on seeing a psych, getting medication and whatever else in the USA but I really would rather be facing it all with his support. AIBU to think he is a wanker?

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 10/08/2012 07:52

I would be horrified too and would think long and hard about moving over the other side of the world with him and I am the last person to say LTB usually!

Xroads · 10/08/2012 07:56

So essentially what he is saying is money is more important than your mental health?

I pay for my ad's and dh doesn't bat an eye lid, if you need money for health issues (whatever they are) it should go without saying that you buy what you need imo.

Sirzy · 10/08/2012 07:57

He is an idiot. If you had asthma would he expect you to stop using inhalers because they wouldn't be free?

I actually agree with Valium on this one and would be thinking long and hard about moving across the world with someone who is so unsupportive

GhostShip · 10/08/2012 07:58

What a fucking arse

UKSky · 10/08/2012 08:01

He is being a total cunt (and I never use that word). Take him with you to see your GP who can explain depression.

Depression is generally caused by lack of seratonin and medication puts it back in. Also you generally need to take them for at least 6 months.

Use his work health insurance. That is what it is for and may mean that your treatment will be covered when you move.

My DP was not supportive initially until my GP gave him a load of stuff to read and also when he saw the improvement in me after a few weeks.

If he had a broken leg he'd get it fixed. Well you have a broken bit in your brain.

Do not be ashamed. This happens to many people and you have nothing to be ashamed about.

Also if your medication is only taking the edge off you may need to increase your dosage or change medication.

You could always tell him that you will stay in the UK until you are better, and that if he has put a price on your health maybe this is the price he has put on your relationship.

Good luck with everything and make sure you keep up with your treatment and get well.

Sorry that was long

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 10/08/2012 08:04

Yanbu!! U can't just come off them to save a dew quid it's something that needs to be done gradually and under medical supervision! Withdrawal would be dangerous. I would think very hard about moving to another country before you have everything confirmed and regulated here. aDs aren't just a "here u go" med it can take time to find one that suits and find the correct dosage etc and effects Arent instant. Your dh needs to be more supportive :(

WaitingForMe · 10/08/2012 08:05

MH is very different to physical health and he can't expect results in the same way as say my iron tablets sort my anaemia.

He is being a bastard but is possibly just ignorant rather than nasty. I think you need to hear him say he sees managing your MH issues as of huge importance before you move with him.

It's also wholly unacceptable for him to punish you for his ex's behaviour by the way. We all have baggage.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 10/08/2012 08:05

Yes he is being a twat. I can see his point re wondering if the pills are helping, but you saying they are should be enough for him. I also would think long and hard about making him understand your issues.

fuzzpig · 10/08/2012 08:05

Bastard. Money is not more important than you being happy and safe.

Incidentally my DH was also in an abusive relationship with somebody similar to your DH's ex, he was trapped with her for a long time and as they have children he's never really been able to fully get over it IYSWIM. However he would never in a million years see my (numerous and at times severe) mental health problems in the same light as his abusive ex. If he ever did my god he would get a bollocking from me. I am not his ex. You are not DP's ex.

kilmuir · 10/08/2012 08:06

Don't go. well not with him and not without a diagnosis and the correct medication

BreconBeBuggered · 10/08/2012 08:06

Does he know about all the side-effects? Suddenly stopping can lead to suicidal thoughts. I don't know how common this is, but I've seen it happen myself. And seen those thoughts acted upon. Whatever you decide, and I mean you, don't abruptly withdraw from the treatment. Oh, and guilt-tripping you about your health? Shouldn't your wellbeing be a major priority?

ArtexMonkey · 10/08/2012 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LookBehindYou · 10/08/2012 08:08

OP, would it be an idea to take him to your next apt so that he can see what the doc says so he knows it's genuine. If he's had a bad experience in the past maybe he's a bit wary?

Leverette · 10/08/2012 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

wankpants · 10/08/2012 08:12

So...he wouldn't let you take antibiotics for an infection if "he wasn't sure they were working"? What a cunt. Would he stand over you in hospital, asking how much the emergency treatment cost and refusing if he deemed it too much?

Grr

pinkdelight · 10/08/2012 08:14

He is an arse, but I would def change the strategy and get your (free) diagnosis sorted here first then you know what's what and can continue with that medication when you get to the States, knowing that its the right one. From my friends' experience in the US, healthcare can be so much more commercialised and he's probably right in the sense that you could be prescribed/kept on more (costly) medication than is strictly necessary.

gordyslovesheep · 10/08/2012 08:16

He is being totally unreasonable :( it's not going to help you is it - his attitude. He is a gold plated tosser :(

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 10/08/2012 08:19

What about the fact it's fucking dangerous to just go cold turkey off your meds?

Your husband is a cunt. And that' a word I rarely use on MN and never in real life.

He's either an ignorant cunt
Or a destructive cunt.

Find out which one. And fast. Before you move away with him.

Original poster

ginkle · 10/08/2012 08:20

It was actually my idea to move! Partly because of the different attitude to MH issues - my mother was untreated for ages and it destroyed my childhood along with having to pretend everything was 'normal', I don't want that for my own kids.

I can go to a psych, I can get the meds, he'll cover the payments without arguing I'm sure - but I want to feel SUPPORTED not dismissed. It really upsets me.

But then he does get 'triggered' by MH stuff. Sounds ridiculous I know but his ex really did a number on him. He's very supportive in practical ways but there's this huge block about pills and 'labels'.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 10/08/2012 08:22

Gosh. So your possible MH is less important to him than the money? Niiiice.

Well, perhaps you should come off the meds now (SLOWLY) so he can see whether or not they're doing any good before you go. And THEN he might understand what a potential twat he is.

Original poster

ginkle · 10/08/2012 08:23

really isn't time to get a diagnosis here anymore but I will see how things go. We have a really good insurance policy in the US. He has expressed concern about the cost of physical healthcare too though (one of our DCs has a chronic issue).

OP posts:

wankpants · 10/08/2012 08:24

Sounds like he needs some counselling too, tbh.

LookBehindYou · 10/08/2012 08:25

OP, I'm really sorry you don't feel supported. Moving countries can be very stressful - perhaps your dh is feeling overwhelmed. Will he be the main earner? Is it worth going over things with him?

coppertop · 10/08/2012 08:26

YANBU

I would also wonder just how true his version of what happened in his earlier relationship really was.

Would someone with that history really begrudge you having medication for MH issues?

And if you tell him you won't put up with his behaviour, will you also be described to future partners as " a woman who used her MH issues as an excuse to abuse him/blame him for everything."?

lizziebach · 10/08/2012 08:29

Well he needs to get over his issues then. Has he had counselling to help him come to terms with what has happened? He's using the fact its a MH problem to make you feel guilty for his ex's behaviour. Which is completely unfair. After all if he was saying my ex was asthmatic and that caused her to be abusive and so I can't handle you being asthmatic or using an inhaler you would see he was being ridiculous. This is exactly the same. You need to get him to see that this is his issue which he needs to confront and get past otherwise he will always be trying to change who you are to conform with his ideals. Your MH problems are not your fault and he needs to accept that and try to get over his exs behaviour. I realise this may be hard for him but why should your health suffer because of it?

Flip

1 2 3