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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that "leave the bastard" is a lot easier said than DONE?

70 replies

akaemmafrost · 08/08/2012 19:19

Just been on another thread in relationships and didn't want to derail it so starting this one.

Another thread about a whiny man child that contributes NOTHING in the way of domestic work or partnership and leaves the bulk every last bit of childcare and domestic work to his DW/DP. Pleases himself as far as time off is concerned, buys what he wants, does what he wants. You pick up the slack.

Again calls to "leave the bastard" "why are you with him?" "what does he bring to your life" "how can you put up with this?" and so on and on. All perfectly valid.

But I want to ask these questions. For those of you who shout "leave him" and then seem to be quite irritated or unable to understand why the OP is with this man, what would YOU do if, your dh/dp simply refused to do anything round the house? You walk out and take yourself off to a spa as is suggested many times on here and he just drops the kids of at his Mum's and goes off on his own jolly. Or when you get back the kids are still in their PJ's and the house is a complete shit tip.

Or everytime you ask him to do something, he turns the tables on you calling you a lazy, controlling bitch and the whole argument becomes about YOUR failings and everything YOU have done wrong and how lazy YOU are?

So you tell him if he can't contribute in any way then he has to leave. He won't go. He just won't go. You can't make him, its a joint mortgage. He won't contribute to childcare or the running of the house, he verbally abuses you when you try to talk to him, you try to end the relationship and he just won't go. He just does not have a better nature.

Honestly this is in no way aggressive or trying to cause an argument but all of those who say they wouldn't put up with it. Leave him, get rid, why are you with this man?! What would you do in the scenarious I have outlined above? Because I have known MANY men like this and there are many posts on here about them. I had one myself and it went of for about 8 years. I stopped posting about him in the end because there was nothing I could do about the situation and people were becoming impatient with me. So what would YOU do?

OP posts:
50shadesofslapntickle · 08/08/2012 19:21

I would kick yhr bastard out Grin

50shadesofslapntickle · 08/08/2012 19:21

the!

Original poster
akaemmafrost · 08/08/2012 19:22

You can't! Thats the whole point. He won't go and legally you can't make him. What do you do?

OP posts:
50shadesofslapntickle · 08/08/2012 19:22

Seriously though, what you describe is no way to live so the first step would be legal advice And go from there

SamWidges · 08/08/2012 19:23

OP, how did you get rid of yours?

50shadesofslapntickle · 08/08/2012 19:24

Is this your situation?

Original poster
akaemmafrost · 08/08/2012 19:24

Quite right. I did that. Is it a joint mortgage? Yes. Right well you will have to appeal to his better nature. Hmm thanks for that Ms Solicitor.

You are right though, its utterly soul destroying to live like that, it is mental torture over a long period of time.

But what do you do?

OP posts:
FeakAndWeeble · 08/08/2012 19:25

I understand what you're saying. As well as my experiences on the Relationships board here and elsewhere, my closest friend was with an incredibly abusive man for many years and I did get to the point where I almost didn't want to see her anymore because all I could think of to say at this point was 'But WHY don't you go? WHY?'. I recognise that that isn't helpful and if taken too far almost becomes a way of blaming the victim - 'you aren't removing yourself from this situation and therefore you deserve for it to continue'. And that isn't nice, or helpful.

But to answer your question: What would I do? I would leave. I would take my son and go and stay with my mum who lives some distance away. The house is in both names but the deposit is all mine. Neither of us can afford to live here as a sole parent. So, the house would have to be sold. DH signed a contract when we bought it to state he would make no claim on the deposit in the event of us divorcing. If he was the sort of man you describe though, I would be prepared to suck it up and just split it with him, just to get away.

I couldn't stay in a situation like that, absolutely not. But that doesn't mean I sit in judgement of people who do. It's just an honest answer to your question.

Original poster
akaemmafrost · 08/08/2012 19:25

He hit me in front of my child, I called the police, they removed him and I took out a restraining order. He was a real charmer!

Obviously not the ideal road to go down if possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
akaemmafrost · 08/08/2012 19:27

Great feak thats honestly what I was looking for. I do honestly want to hear what people would do, not judge it.

See, I didn't have my parents to go to because they can be rather difficult themselves so that wasn't an option for me.

OP posts:
SamWidges · 08/08/2012 19:29

No, but it was. I called the police after he assaulted me and he got a restraining order which kept him away. The restraining order is now over and I am very concerned that he might come back and take up residence (house in joint names). He would always refuse to leave during our years of problems claiming that it was his house too and it drove me to despair.

I am in the process of divorcing him.

Original poster
akaemmafrost · 08/08/2012 19:30

Exactly my situation then sam I live in fear of ex trying to come back. Currently divorcing as well.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 08/08/2012 19:31

It depends on the individual situation because as you say, some people don't have family to go to.

What annoys me are those who continually advise people to "Stuff all his belongings in bin bags and leave them outside the house"....or "Change the locks while he's out".

Some of these people have been on MN a long time and really should know better than to advise people to break the law in that way.

ImperialBlether · 08/08/2012 19:31

I think, though, that those of us who have families that would take us in are probably not those who are posting the threads.

I get frustrated that some women put themselves in a difficult position, sometimes. The way in which some people on these boards, at this moment, go into relationships with completely unreliable men and go on to deliberately have babies is just horrifying.

If you're going to get involved with a complete twat, don't give up your job. Keep a separate bank account. Rent, don't buy. Keep your friends and family sweet as you will definitely need them.

ImperialBlether · 08/08/2012 19:32

And I don't mean all women, just some.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/08/2012 19:34

I left my arsehole but I had been clever lucky enough not to have children with him. I took over the mortgage in the end (and got his friends involved so that he knew he would have nowhere to go if he fucked me over) which would have been impossible as a SAHM. I have DD with my current DH and I don't know what I would do if he turned.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 08/08/2012 19:36

I see where you're coming from, but there is a difference between 'he won't leave so we have to live together but separated until legal steps can be taken' and 'he won't leave so I have to stay with him'

Even if someone refuses to leave they can't force you into staying in a relationship with them. I think a lot of people almost want permission to end the relationship from the other person (which is understandable and would make things a hell of a lot easier) but really it only takes one person to end a relationship

waterwatereverywhere · 08/08/2012 19:36

I have just done this. After 11 years, 2 children and banging my head against a brick wall hoping for change. Why not do it sooner? Well for all the usual cliches - for 'the sake of the kids', not wanting to break up a family. No one goes into a relationship and has children without believing that you will all be a family forever. The thought of shared access, shared Christmases Sad etc is devastating.

In my experience you have to have every ounce of love and respect shattered before you can be forceful enough to end it. Particularly if said man has never been abusive but is just lazy, irresponsible and selfish. You have to have exhausted every possible effort to change things.

And then eventually the time comes when the stability and security of the family home are not as important as your own personal well being. I would have had a breakdown if I had carried on any longer and then I am no good to my kids. So I packed up to leave - to Hell with the mortgage/house/who will get what in a court. Thankfully he showed the only bit of compassion I have seen in a long time and agreed to go so the kids wouldn't be uprooted.

I now have a long and difficult road ahead of me sorting out all the 'stuff' that goes with a breakup. I do however feel that a huge weight has been lifted. No amount of other people telling me to 'leave the bastard' did it though. It's something you can only do when you are mentally in the right place and so far beyond caring that anything would seem more appealing.

Original poster
akaemmafrost · 08/08/2012 19:37

Well mine was lovely, the perfect DP then the perfect DH until I was four months pregnant, when he turned into a complete pig, coinciding funnily enough with his first affair.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 08/08/2012 19:38

I'd empty the joint account of every last penny take the kids and leave...in fact I'd plan it so as to take the furniture and the fucking chutney too...

I'd then start procedures to sell the house and split proceeds according to needs ie mine and kids versus his own.

I know for a fact I would do that because I have lived in an abusive relationship and my life is worth more than that, more to the point my children deserve better!

Original poster
akaemmafrost · 08/08/2012 19:40

waterwater you are right about the breakdown. I had one and it was hell. I kept thinking why didn't I get him out before this happened? Then when I started to pick up slightly, over a year later I promised myself I would get him out.

OP posts:
Original poster
akaemmafrost · 08/08/2012 19:41

No joint account fuzzy he ran up tens of thousands of pounds worth of debt that I am paying off now.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 08/08/2012 19:42

Why are you paying it off? Is it in your name?

Original poster
akaemmafrost · 08/08/2012 19:47

Joint names and he won't pay it. He moves round a lot and currently has no address so can't do anything about that right now.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 08/08/2012 19:52

Are you in the former marital home? are the debts linked to your property?

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