to think that "leave the bastard" is a lot easier said than DONE?

[akaemmafrost]

Just been on another thread in relationships and didn't want to derail it so starting this one.

Another thread about a whiny man child that contributes NOTHING in the way of domestic work or partnership and leaves the bulk every last bit of childcare and domestic work to his DW/DP. Pleases himself as far as time off is concerned, buys what he wants, does what he wants. You pick up the slack.

Again calls to "leave the bastard" "why are you with him?" "what does he bring to your life" "how can you put up with this?" and so on and on. All perfectly valid.

But I want to ask these questions. For those of you who shout "leave him" and then seem to be quite irritated or unable to understand why the OP is with this man, what would YOU do if, your dh/dp simply refused to do anything round the house? You walk out and take yourself off to a spa as is suggested many times on here and he just drops the kids of at his Mum's and goes off on his own jolly. Or when you get back the kids are still in their PJ's and the house is a complete shit tip.

Or everytime you ask him to do something, he turns the tables on you calling you a lazy, controlling bitch and the whole argument becomes about YOUR failings and everything YOU have done wrong and how lazy YOU are?

So you tell him if he can't contribute in any way then he has to leave. He won't go. He just won't go. You can't make him, its a joint mortgage. He won't contribute to childcare or the running of the house, he verbally abuses you when you try to talk to him, you try to end the relationship and he just won't go. He just does not have a better nature.

Honestly this is in no way aggressive or trying to cause an argument but all of those who say they wouldn't put up with it. Leave him, get rid, why are you with this man?! What would you do in the scenarious I have outlined above? Because I have known MANY men like this and there are many posts on here about them. I had one myself and it went of for about 8 years. I stopped posting about him in the end because there was nothing I could do about the situation and people were becoming impatient with me. So what would YOU do?

Women's aid were not able to help me.

I had no friends and family to support me.

I had a nervous breakdown so stuck was I.

My "way out" was my ex CHOOSING to attack me and me calling the police and having him removed. Up till that point, short of killing myself there was no way to escape him.

No money, no support, nowhere to go. I don't agree with your post really cogito.

Fuzzy - Agree that in some situations emptying the accounts is absolutely the right thing for someone to do. I was refering to my own situation where emptying accounts would be seen as plain spiteful and more likely to hinder an amicable split.
No offence intended.

Nearly everything is easier said than done.

"Make a cup of tea" is easier said than done.

YANBU.

In my situation I was lucky that my XP had a tendency to storm off and vanish for a few hours. The last time he did that it meant I couldn't go to work, which was the final straw for me and I refused to let him back in. I then claimed tax credits as a single parent and employed a nanny, meaning I couldn't let him back because I'd lose the tax credits I was getting to pay her. It was very hard to resist his attempts at moving back in, I've no idea how I would have made him leave in the first place if he refused (which he would have done).

Very good posts OP. Many of those threads have me shrieking with rage!

My situation was very similar to yours. Other people find it very easy to say 'leave the bastard'. Often the problem is that, however bad things are at home, the alternatives are actually worse.

It is also very easy to say 'take the legal route'. You get a free half hour with a solicitor, but otherwise they're not known for their charitable ways. I was given the name of a top-notch solicitor who demanded £500 before she would do anything. When things got really bad for me, exH diverted his salary away from the joint account, meaning that as a SAHM the only money I had immediate access to was the child benefit, which goes into my sole account. You can't do much with £134 a month, and if he refuses to leave you cannot claim a bean in benefits.

This is one of the reasons I always caution anyone against being a SAHM, another debate entirely of course, and like so many others, I never thought these things would happen to me.

I 'stuck around' for far too long and regret it bitterly.

What kept me there?

1. Trying to keep the family unit together for the sake of the kids - totally stupid. I did not see just how awful the situation was for them and thought that a break-up would be worse (loss of perceived stability, the family home they'd known all their lives, finances, shared access and all the stress that would bring for them).

1. Sheer exhaustion. I was, effectively, a single parent and dealt with everything. I worked, did all the kids-related stuff, all the house-related stuff. I had no energy left for me, let alone engineering a break-up.

1. Perversely, a feeling of 'this is my bed, I'd better lie in it'. I felt that I had chosen to marry this thing so it was, crazily, my 'fault'. I thought I could weather it out but my shoulders were not as broad as I thought.

1. I did not want to upset or worry anyone - my parents, his parents (who have turned out to be just as awful as him) etc. Bonkers, totally skewed. Of course, my family would never have wanted me to have been in this situation for a day, let alone the years I was in it.

The reasons are complex, inter-related and conspire to keep you in the prison (and that is how I felt - like I was in prison and that One Day I'd be free, maybe when the kids were all grown-up and didn't need me).

I am broke (not working due to illness), my future is insecure but everything is so much better. My kids are with me and support me. I will get divorced - it is happening (he is dragging his feet over Form E). Every day without him is a Good Day.

If he does come back to the house, I shall ring the police, simple as.

I wish I had had MN when I was struggling in an abusive marriage. I would not have called it "abusive" at the time, because I so desperately wanted it to be something else, a marriage that just needed more patience and work.

I was on an American website. In a way, it was the DTMFA (dump the motherfucker already) responses that helped a lot. Why should I put up with his behaviour?

What I did:

1. Got counselling for myself. Helped me realize I wasn't being selfish and it wasn't good for my DD to be in this situation.
2. Talked to the local IDVA counsellor. She confirmed that I was entitled to be support, even if my H wasn't beating me up and the abuse was emotional. His main way of hurting me was disappearing with my baby DD and forbidding me to hold her.
3. The counsellor sorted out a place in a refuge.
4. On the appointed day, I came home from work at lunchtime, when he was out, threw a few belongings in black bags, called a taxi (never been so terrified in my life, waiting for that taxi to turn up), collected DD from nursery, and went to the refuge.
5. Consulted a solicitor, and over the next few months sorted out residence issues. Still an ongoing headache, but not as bad as I feared.

I do have a tendency towards "Leave the bastard" posts. It's like being an animal caught in a trap. You can either attempt to make the trap more bearable, or you can gnaw your way out to freedom. Of course it's hard, but personally I think you should gnaw your own paw off if necessary to get out.

I found the response I got from the police when I called them twice last year to be fantastic. He got a caution for the first assault I reported and convicted for the second.

The police have given me good advice, kept me informed of what was happening, their Witness Care and DV teams were great. And the Court obviously took the situation very seriously and convicted him.

I guess I am trying to say that, for me, the 'System' really worked and I felt supported by that.

If he's dangerous then I think you have to go the police, SS and women's refuge route. Otherwise then leaving very slowly by parts is possible. Get a separate bank account and start putting money aside. Try to get in a position where you could potentially support yourself and any children, ie look for a job/better job. Talk to the CAB. Start separating out financial arrangements and possibly possessions too. If you have any good friends who can store stuff for you or who you trust enough to keep your money in their name so that he can't get at it then use them. If you can't get him to move out then then move out yourself, (rent a bedsit if you have to) and take the legal route to get any money you're owed out of the house. I appreciate it's not easy, but you only get one life so don't throw it away on some jerk who makes you miserable.

The police were fantastic with my situation too Sam. In effect THEY sorted out what I couldn't. I called them after he assaulted me. Two cars and a van turned up within minutes. They removed him immediately and from then on it was out of my hands, which was PERFECT and what I wanted. He couldn't wheedle his way back in because the police were doing this now, not me.

They sorted out the restraining order, they called me every day to check I was ok. They took my statement and pushed it through with the CPS. It went to court where he pleaded guilty after he read my statement. He knew he couldn't talk his way out of that.

The policeman who dealt with it all said that in his experience only about 5% of the plaintiffs in domestic violence cases turn up to court on the day . He said we can get them here but we can't make them follow through.

The best thing I ever did was call the police that day but I had to be attacked first before I could get rid of him. I honestly don't know what the solution is.

I'd have a nice new patio with bastard buried underneath it

I would just leave and claim hb and benefits I wouldnt really be any worse off as I would have a little less but one less adult to feed/clothe.I would just leave him with the house and go bankrupt if I had to.No good having a house but letting your kids live with a loser imo

The options for women in this situation are decreasing. The funding cuts to refuge services mean that women are being turned away in increasing numbers. The demands on local housing authorities mean that women are strongly encouraged to return 'home' rather than making themselves 'intentionally homeless' (which removes the LA's obligation to house them), although if they persevere they may be lucky enough to be shoved in a B&B with a load of itinerants and drug addicts for several weeks - the sort of place where you have to vacate between 10 and 6 which begs the question of what do you do when you have preschoolers in this situation and no money and nowhere to go?

We tell women they shouldn't put up with this sort of shit, and they shouldn't, but the truth is there is hardly any support out there for women who do choose to leave unless they have significant support from RL friends or family, which many do not.

Dahlen - I dont get why they cant just get hb?

They can, but it can take up to 6 weeks to sort out and unless they have spare funds already, they will have to wait for social housing because they can't afford the deposit and month's rent upfront necessary for private rental. That's even assuming that HB will cover the ongoing monthly costs...

I suppose it must depend on area here you get help with a deposit straight away even if not in an abusive relationship

I'm going through a separation at the moment after discovering exP was having an affair. He practically ran out of the house, getting him out was really not an issue.

However, the logistics of splitting up with someone that you have a child and a mortgage with are very complicated. There is so much to sort out, legally and financially and it's taking a lot of my time and energy. I am really lucky that my parents are very supportive, to the extent of paying off some of my mortgage so that I can take it on in my sole name so that DS and I can stay in our home. Without their financial support, I really don't know what I'd do. Rent somewhere really cheap for DS and I, I suppose. Not a very appealing prospect!

I'll have to pay out loads in solicitors' fees and fees for re-arranging the mortage. Luckily (and I really know how lucky I am, believe me) my Dad is paying these fees.

Our relationship prior to exP being found out was pretty good. The spark had long since gone and we had our issues but he was never abusive to me or DS, did his fair share of housework and childcare and was generally perceived by all to be a decent bloke.

So if I'm finding it hard splitting up from an OK relationship with loads of support from family and friends then I can totally understand why a woman who has been ground down by years of abuse or neglect is not really going to relish the prospect of leaving the bastard, especially if it means them and their children leaving the family home.

I had a long running thread on here in 2009 on leaving an emotionally abusive relationship. Without that thread I'd probably still be there and I'm so grateful for that, even the "leave the bastard" posts.

It took me a long time to line up all my ducks but I got there eventually....

• with a lot of support and advice
• links to info on WA and abuse
• examples of how he was abusing me
• other people sharing their experiences and how happy they were to get away
• help from the lady at the local WA refuge - her offering me and my son a room immediately spurred me on even more. It shocked me so much. She pointed out that he had done every form of abuse except hit me and that what he was doing was just as damaging.
• I sold old clothes and toys and kept the money in paypal
• I read the Lundy Bancroft book in secret
• I spoke to the local housing department about my options (not many)
• I put out feelers for private rent estate agents (good, recognised, legit ones) who didn't require a large amount up front.

I eventually moved out one day into a private rented house while he was at work with nothing but clothes and my ds's toys. It took me a good long while to get on my feet and get sorted but I'm so glad I did it.

The deposit scheme was rolled out nationally but has always been down to each LA's discretion. It was one of the first things to be scrapped by many of them once the austerity measures bit.

I do think it is a postcode lottery here it will never stop or 3/4 of the town would be homeless