to think that "leave the bastard" is a lot easier said than DONE?

[akaemmafrost]

Just been on another thread in relationships and didn't want to derail it so starting this one.

Another thread about a whiny man child that contributes NOTHING in the way of domestic work or partnership and leaves the bulk every last bit of childcare and domestic work to his DW/DP. Pleases himself as far as time off is concerned, buys what he wants, does what he wants. You pick up the slack.

Again calls to "leave the bastard" "why are you with him?" "what does he bring to your life" "how can you put up with this?" and so on and on. All perfectly valid.

But I want to ask these questions. For those of you who shout "leave him" and then seem to be quite irritated or unable to understand why the OP is with this man, what would YOU do if, your dh/dp simply refused to do anything round the house? You walk out and take yourself off to a spa as is suggested many times on here and he just drops the kids of at his Mum's and goes off on his own jolly. Or when you get back the kids are still in their PJ's and the house is a complete shit tip.

Or everytime you ask him to do something, he turns the tables on you calling you a lazy, controlling bitch and the whole argument becomes about YOUR failings and everything YOU have done wrong and how lazy YOU are?

So you tell him if he can't contribute in any way then he has to leave. He won't go. He just won't go. You can't make him, its a joint mortgage. He won't contribute to childcare or the running of the house, he verbally abuses you when you try to talk to him, you try to end the relationship and he just won't go. He just does not have a better nature.

Honestly this is in no way aggressive or trying to cause an argument but all of those who say they wouldn't put up with it. Leave him, get rid, why are you with this man?! What would you do in the scenarious I have outlined above? Because I have known MANY men like this and there are many posts on here about them. I had one myself and it went of for about 8 years. I stopped posting about him in the end because there was nothing I could do about the situation and people were becoming impatient with me. So what would YOU do?

Sorry I'm outraged on your behalf that your paying off his debts!

Yes and yes. He won't pay his share and that's it, just like he wouldn't do his bit at home and wouldn't move out. He simply does not do anything he does not want to do. Mad isn't it?

I managed to get attachment of earnings ordero n ex to ensure he pay the debts he ran up....he's pissed off but has no say. It took a lot of court hearings to get to this point tho.

Have you consulted CAB about how you will be able to meet the repayments. Interest rates are horrendous right now.

I've arranged minimal payments. Nearly lost my home though because of the massive arrears he left.

so did I.

which is why I'd take as much as possible and leave if I had the misfortune to end up with another person like that ever again....

I'll never live with anyone again. I spent a quarter of my life in utter misery apart from my dc. Can't risk that again. It's actually comforting to speak to someone else who has been through it, though obviously wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I never say never....

However he's going to have to be sent straight from heaven with references from god and be seriously rich for me to consider moving in with him!

it is easier to say than do, and the consequences of leaving/throwing him out take years to sort out. but sometimes it has to be done.

When mine finally hit me in front of DD (3 at the time) I left, swallowed my pride and rang parents (first communication since I'd left home to live with him). I was lucky, they supported me and I got legal advice. Managed to keep the house (joint mortgage) because when push came to shove he was reasonable about not selling the house over the children's head for what he'd 'gain' (about 5k if we split the equity 50/50). Never got a penny in child support, still loathe him (though he has been a good father to the kids, albeit on his terms), am still quite scared of him, in all honesty. Made the same vow as Akaemmafrost but have recently re-married (10 years later) to a kind, loving man.

It's not easy, it's not simple but it is possible.

Well a v good thread! I do understand the 'leave the bastard' thing, but it's not v helpful, & is perilously close to 'if you 'won't' leave stop complaining'

• righteous anger - is behind some of the leave him shouts, which it's easy (& right?) to feel on some of the threads here BUT if you're the one it's happening to, anger is probably v far away
• its better here! From people who've been through it & are really scared for the OP, but it's a psychological process that each op has to go through & you can't leap frog it
• lack of empathy - like someone said earlier, people with family & friends to turn to sometimes have trouble understanding how bloody difficult it is to be utterly alone
• and the worst motivation which I hate - the thread as a story. Aren't stories BORING if they don't have drama & action...

Ps took me a few threads & alot of time to 'leave the bastard'

How do you leave him when you have a baby & have become disabled in the same year? The answer: very carefully & slowly, there is no walking out & relying on the help being there, & you being ok if you can't even get to the bathroom.

And while I am on the subject (rant looming look away now!). Ss came round when I told my gp h hit me. I was grilled for hours about how I would be abusing my baby if I didn't 'leave the bastard'/ make sure it didn't happen again/ wasn't reported again. Explained how I wanted out but how ill I was. She repeated the above. Offered no help. Didn't even tell me that adult social services could help me & I didn't have to rely on my abuser to care for me, or try & magically get better enough to earn the money for child care & a carer for myself. She even told me of cases she knew where she'd taken the child away as the mother wouldn't leave the man who was abusing her.

Soooo, just like to say, thanks lady, thanks for tightening the bonds on me further. Went through another year in hell before I got help from adult social services & could therefore get him out of me & my baby's lives.

Sorry - I think I'll be angry about that til my dying day

friends from real life also told me to leave but I couldn't I had too much at stake.

However given my experience, now I can suggest how to start making plans to leave.

Other people be it in RL or on the internet, can't do it for you it's got to be your own decision.

Yes it was dificult getting out of the nightmare that was my marriage, but it was the best thing I've done for my children as well as for myself.

I want to at some point work in a womens refuge or similar so at the very least my experience can have a positive impact for other women.

I do think that quite often people cannot understand what it is like to deal with a man whose selfishness is so ingrained that there is nothing you can say or do that will get him to behave decently. It's crazy making behaviour though, quite literally and that is why rational people cannot understand why sometimes you cannot extricate yourself from the situation.

There was not a piece of advice I could be given on here that would have worked. He had no better nature. HE came first, HE didn't want to do housework or care for kids or stay in or be fair financially so he didn't and that's that. He didn't have the morals to do The Right Thing and leave. He truly believed he should be allowed to do whatever he wanted including openly have affairs and he wasn't going anywhere. I wasn't even a person to him.

Can I just ask, for those going through the worst of this stuff just now, what kind of responses are you looking for when you post about abusive relationships?

My dear friend is in an awful relationship (think finding videos of him shagging various women on his phone) he's hit her, they argue alot, yet she cannot just leave him. They have 2 young dcs, she's tied to him, he won't go, she's just resigned to the fact. So yanbu, it's not always that easy.

Can i answer although i have got him out now? Cos its a great q, & am having a pensive evening.

What helped (helps) is the support & conviction that allows you to find your own resolve... So when people shared their own experiences, or when people reframed mine to help me slowly start believing I was being abused & i was right to make it stop. So a bit of hand holding & wisdom to help me get me going on my own personal journey to getting out.

Also practical/ legal advice was v good, esp over getting dv reported & how to set up living to minimise nasty custody battles.

And the most helpful, when I was scared & hating myself late at night, to have the wise warm words of mumsnetters to get me through to the morning & believing I could make my life better.

I think the leave him ones are fine. They helped me see it as an option. But the ones where posters are getting impatient alongside the "leave him" and say things like "how can you allow your children to be in this situation" etc. You can tell the ones that are judgemental and looking down on you and it doesn't help. It's just more of the same and makes you hate yourself even more.

Interesting thread.
I know if I post about my own situation, I'll just get asked why am I with him?
I stay because I don't know HOW to start over.
2 yr old DD. Married. Joint mortgage. DD in private nursery. I only work part time.
He's not a bastard, or abusive, just his laziness and selfishness do my head in. He hasn't changed since we met, but that's the point, when we met ww lived in our own places, weren't married and didn't have a daughter. My life has changed beyond recognition, his barely at all.
Not going to throw him out - its his house too. Not going to empty our accounts - I'm not a bitch.

So I stay and try and line my ducks up so that one day I can do it.

Exactly Doublelife. At lot of the time I think you don't even know it's abuse. I certainly didn't. I thought he was a bit difficult, relationships need to be worked at, it must be me blah blah blah. MN was brilliant in showing me I was being abused, people posting links to WA and the cycle of abuse etc. It was SUCH a relief. But it still took time to believe it.

People getting impatient though just added to the burden of guilt I was already carrying at my kids being exposed to that and me being completely unable to get him out.

Although saying that, gentle education and pointing out about my kids being affected did give me strength. So it is useful but it's such a fine line when trying to advise someone who is living in an intolerable, frightening situation.

Oh yes akaemma totally agree back at you!

It took me a long time to be able to say the 'a' word about my situation, as it carries so much baggage and I just couldn't identify with it. Mumsnet helped me realise it was true & how to take back my life for me and my baby. Some of the amazing posts really helped me find my centre again & start judging for myself what was acceptable & what wasn't.

It was the accusatory 'you are doing this to your banyan' / 'youre as bad as him' type posts that felt like twisting a knife in the wound & made me almost give up, although am sure that wasn't why people wrote them.

I would have loved the opportunity for me to say how worried I was about ds & work through it, not be accused of it.

Would be interesting to look back at those posts one day & see if I still have that reaction - I was tormenting myself about it so would have been quick to pick up on any tone. However just saw tonight someone call an OP an 'enabler' when the poor op came on for support hearing up to leave - not helpful!

And thinking about it a smattering of 'leave the bastard' validated the course I'd set myself, as long as they weren't the only replies!

Oh no!!! I wasn't doing anything to a banyan tree, no tree abuse on this thread! Phone autocorrect preferred the name of an uncommon tree to the word baby - how very odd.

Read all, this and a gazillion threads on MN.

At no point have I perceived "leave him", except as an obvious joke, as other than the only sane response. Not every poster will know HOW such a leaving can be best affected, but it doesn't alter the fact that it's what needs to be done. I've never thought anyone thought it was easy, just plain as day.

I'd sell his possesions and leave.
I've left relatonships for less.

MrsBonkers I'd advocate emptying accounts and leaving because I have & it seems a lot of wives have suffered from financial abuse & end up repaying debts their exs racked up under joint names.

I'd empty the joint account to ensure my children had a roof over their heads & food while I sorted out housing etc for us.

It's self preservation.

If that makes me a bitch then so be it.

YANBU to say it's easier said than done but there are ways to get someone to leave, mostly by going the legal/divorce route. If you're not married there aren't the same legal routes but it can still be done. There's the option of leaving yourself.... also easier said than done but possible. Support systems like friends, family and Women's Aid charities can come into play. If a situation is genuinely intolerable and miserable, people will eventually find a way out of it. If they stick around all you can conclude is that things aren't quite as bad as they're making out.