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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DP to at least tell me that he's changed his mind about coming over on his birthday?

85 replies

NeedAPCOSMiracle · 08/08/2012 11:08

DP was 40 yesterday.

I got dressed up nicely and got a few things ready for him. We last spoke at 6 and he said he was coming.

Then he went missing the whole night. No calls, no texts, still nothing today.

I know it's unlikely something has happened to him. So he must have gone missing for a reason, or he's lost the phone or left it somewhere or something.

Still, I really don't know what to do. I'm just so worried, I'm ttc, on clomid, meant to have just ovulated, we were discussing baby names and where we were moving to yesterday.

I just can't see why he would do that, he could at least just tell me why he couldn't come, he knew I was waiting all night, if something was wrong with the phone he could just come over.

This is not unreasonable, is it?

OP posts:
ElephantsCanRemember · 08/08/2012 11:37

I don't understand this at all. You last spoke to him at six and he said he was coming over. You don't go from sober to hammered in just a few minutes so at some point he could have text/called you.
Sorry but I agree with Ghostship both your OPs sounded pissed off even though he has never done this before and you didn't know he was ok. I would have been out of my head worried because my H wouldn't stay out over night on a special birthday, when I was expecting him, and not have the decency to let me know.

GhostShip · 08/08/2012 11:37

OP please don't just stick with someone because you want a baby.

Sorry if I'm speaking out of turn, but this doesn't seem right to me and you deserve the best. So does your baby.

Just tell me to fuck off if it makes you feel better :o

Cherubim · 08/08/2012 11:38

OP, the bit I don't understand is why you weren't worried Confused

If my DP did that, and it was so out of character, I would be worried sick. Had you already heard from him before you posted?

Pandemoniaa · 08/08/2012 11:39

I'd be very cautious about having a baby with this man. It's not the not living together bit, as such, but the fact that he clearly thinks he's in a casual enough relationship to bugger off and get pissed in preference to spending the evening with you as pre-arranged.

It might be a one-off but I fear that this is merely because it is the first time he's done it.

Original poster
NeedAPCOSMiracle · 08/08/2012 11:39

I was worried! Why do people keep telling me I wasn't worried, I couldn't sleep all night worrying - alternating between oh my god has something happened to him, and no it's probably just that he got hammered and couldn't be bothered to tell me.

OP posts:
Paiviaso · 08/08/2012 11:40

Another one here who completely fails to understand why you are trying to get impregnated by a man you haven't created a stable home with.

WorraLiberty · 08/08/2012 11:41

It might be a one-off but I fear that this is merely because it is the first time he's done it

I can't help thinking it's not a one off

Otherwise I would have expected a lot more concern from the OP

FutTheShuckUp · 08/08/2012 11:42

Is he married/in a relationship elsewhere? Something is not quite adding up

ElephantsCanRemember · 08/08/2012 11:42

OP sorry if I am speaking out of turn here, but with your fertility issues do you see this man as your only chance to have a baby? (Not judging just asking)

Cherubim · 08/08/2012 11:42

None of your OP conveyed that!

Pandemoniaa · 08/08/2012 11:42

...and no it's probably just that he got hammered and couldn't be bothered to tell me.

Even more reason not to have a baby with him.

GhostShip · 08/08/2012 11:43

futtheshukup

I thought this :(

Original poster
NeedAPCOSMiracle · 08/08/2012 11:44

Look, everyone is saying about how I wasn't concerned but it turned out that my gut instinct was right that it's just because he decided to go out with his mates instead. If something had happened to him I'm sure the hospital would have found his phone and told people where he was.

He's now apologising. I'm "so right" apparently.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedAPCOSMiracle · 08/08/2012 11:45

Cherubim, it's not always easy to convey exact emotions through a screen, especially when one is upset and worried, iyswim.

OP posts:
ElephantsCanRemember · 08/08/2012 11:46

To expect DP to at least tell me that he's changed his mind about coming over on his birthday?

Op ^^ that was your title. Not "oh shit DP is missing he was supposed to be here hours ago", or "Where could DP be?" I think that is why we are confused. Straight away you jumped to the conclusion (rightly as it turns out) that he had merely changed his mind without telling you.

Olympia2012 · 08/08/2012 11:46

Which 'mates' was he with..... Do you know them?

AThingInYourLife · 08/08/2012 11:46

The going AWOL straight after a night of full-on declarations of intent for the future is a big red flag.

Someone generally flakey and uncommitted is preferable to a man who puts you off balance by blowing hot and cold like this.

You're taking Clomid and trying to get pregnant and he is alternately telling you you are the love of his life and treating you as a casual shag.

It's all wrong.

Cherubim :)

I must be losing my disagreeable touch :o

Original poster
NeedAPCOSMiracle · 08/08/2012 11:47

He's really not married or with someone, trust me on that one.

I didn't jump to the conclusion at all, I had been thinking it through for ooh, let's say, about 15 hours now.

OP posts:
FutTheShuckUp · 08/08/2012 11:47

I'd rather use a sperm donor than such an unreliable manchild- the result will be the same.
OP why are you so desperate for a baby ANY waste of space father will do the trick? Is your self esteem so lacking you feel you dont deserve to be loved and your child doesnt deserve a doting father?

squeakytoy · 08/08/2012 11:48

On the odd occasions my husband does go out with his mates, he never stays out all night, and is perfectly capable of ringing and texting me numerous times during the evening, even at the end of it when absolutely shit faced.. unfortuately.. Hmm..

Seriously OP, have a rethink, because this is not the behaviour of someone who you want to tie yourself to for the rest of your life, or even while raising a child.

I find that when 40year old men are single, there is a often a very good reason for it.

Original poster
NeedAPCOSMiracle · 08/08/2012 11:48

OK, I'm going to hide this now as I'm just getting more upset.

Thank you to everyone who tried to help.

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 08/08/2012 11:49

Don't either of you work? Why are you at home?

snuffaluffagus · 08/08/2012 11:49

I'm glad he's safe.. but I'm not sure I understand your relationship dynamic. If I was waiting for a night out with my partner, and he didn't arrive all night, with no word.. I would be frantic with worry and phoning all his friends, his family, the pub and then the hospital/police, because he wouldn't consider not contacting me, and nobody gets THAT drunk that quickly that they can't answer a text or a call.. Did he even have a passing thought about you or how you must be feeling?

So why did he not want you there and why did he think it was acceptable to not contact you?

FutTheShuckUp · 08/08/2012 11:50

Sorry you are getting upset but personally I think you (and everyone else in a similar 'relationship') deserves more than what this buffoon can offer

GhostShip · 08/08/2012 11:50

Sorry op, hope your sort things x