to be uncomfortable with the fact that my DD was invited on a sleepover, and the parent that I know went out for the evening?

[Chrishassix]

And left partner in charge, whom I have only met briefly twice?

And didn't mention it?

AIBU to be a tad upset?

Are you upset by the lack of courtesy? The safety of your DD? Was your DD upset..if so at what? If the parent you know told you they may not be there for some of the evening what would you have done?

Op, you didn't mither, vegans did.

She is 10. If she was 5 I could see your point. Next year she wil be at secondary school. Your friend wasnt being discourteous if she didn't know it would bother you.

I wouldn't feel happy either, I like to know the person who I have trusted to care for my child even if as you say they are 10 and only need an eye kept on them.
If I have kids over on sleepovers I don't go out leaving someone else at home.
I know the other kids parents are expecting me to be the one at home.

Recently moved in partner who OP or DD doesn't know in charge - tick
Not told Parent who she knows wouldn't be there - tick

Well I'd say you're quite right to be ticked off. It's very rude.

I hate when my DD goes to another kids house for a playdate, BUT suddenly playdate girl's mother buggers off for a hair appointment (true) and her brother arrives with his kids - leaving my DD to play with nobody, while being supervised by a man I don't know.

I would be pissed off too - my DD was just 6 though, to be fair.

If you allow your child to stay over in someone else's house you are basically leaving them to "your house, your rules" imo so although YANBU to be annoyed at what happened, you put her in a situation where it could happen so YABU to complain about it.

My 9yo doesn't want to do sleepovers which is fine by me, if she did I would only let her stay at a limited number of houses where both adults and all their children are well known to me and I know that one or other of those adults would be supervising. DD has a couple of friends who do sleep over here and their parents know that there will always be a supervising adult but that adult may be myself, DH or 19yo DS1 so they are left on that basis.

I don't think it's egregious, but not something I would have done. My dd (9) has several female friends who have never spent the night out at another friend's house except at mine. That is because the parents trust me to respect their values (culturally driven). In the case of these girls, the parents would definitely expect me to let them know if my husband was going to be at home and not me and in that case they would not let their dd's spend the night. Not all of dd's friends' parents are like this, but the ones who are have been very clear about their feelings and trust me to respect them (which I do). I would suggest that if that is something that is important to you, then you should make that clear to those parents, but I don't think it's reasonable for you to assume that they should automatically know that about you unless you obviously come from a culture where females are not left alone with males under any circumstances and even then, I wouldn't automatically assume that everyone knows that about your culture. (phew that was a long run-on sentence) (and I am perfectly happy to jump to conclusions about the gender of the characters involved even if you have not stated it)

I'd not like that the parent I knew didn't have the courtesy to pick up the phone and tell me of the change of plans. So I could make the decision on whether I let my child stay. I didn't allow my kids to have sleep overs at home that I didn't know the parents, and this falls under the same category.

YANBU.

This was a bait and switch. It doesn't matter how well the mother knows and trusts the partner. You don't, and the decision as to whether the DD slept over was based on having her there and not the partner.

You have used the word uncomfortable. What exactly is your concern?

Yes I would expect the parent I knew to mention that she was going out but it wouldn't stop the sleepover going ahead.

but if parent had ok'd it with you. or contacted you to let you know the partner of 3 years would be in but not the parent would you really have said No, ?

I don't think I know/knew many of the fathers when mine were at primary - maybe once or twice in a whole 8 years at a school fete or play.

Unless, the child went up to the same secondary as any of my children, I don't know any of the mothers either, other than on a wave as you drop off/pick up basis.

Just because one person had an experience you cannot categorise all new partners (gender unspecified) as abusers.

However if you know something untoward may be going on, ie you know his local history then you would be right to make that call.

It's the fact of your DD's mum not mentioning it isn't it?
I wouldn't have liked that either.

It wouldnt occur to me to mention it - but then it wouldnt occur to me that the entire female population would think my DH is a paedo or abuser either.

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I presume at 10 your DD could ring or text you if she felt 'uncomfortable'.

Goodness! I have hosted sleepovers for years - the sleepover queen here - and I have never known such preciousness, maybe I live in a very neglectful community but I have never encountered such anxiety. All the parents I have met are only too happy to offload their little darlings, not always so eager to reciprocate, not that I care. My dds are teens now but it started at five so many years experience.

I am normally laid back but tbh i dont think you were being unreasonable you didnt really know the partner you expected mum to be home and she went out i would feel a bit iffy about it too, does your daughter know the new partner or not ? it is the same as a 10 yr old going to a friends auntie to be babysat and parents not knowing them from Adam.

I still think it's at best thoughtless of OP's DD's friend's mum.

Standing my ground emoticon!

Supporting the OP - shoulder-to-shoulder emoticon :)

YANBU to be uncomfortable - we all have our own personal stress buttons. YABU to be posting on here rather than discussing with the parent you do know. If you felt uncomfortable with the fact your DD was left alone with an adult barely known to you or her, then maybe you shouldn't have said yes to a sleepover - if you don't trust a person, you din't trust them regardless of whether they are on their own or accompanied.

If the parent hasn't told you - how certain are you that everything you have been told is correct? For the 6 hours the parent you know was out - what were the girls doing? Watching a film, playing, sleeping.........I do think you must be at a low ebb in your life as your posts do seem to indicate you are stressing about minor stuff and your behaviour/reactions seem disproportionate to that stress. Talk to your RL friends to get a bit of perspective

Bait and switch??? What on earth are you implying? Some kind of pedophile ring in operation?

Boggle.

Oh dear I've done this! But my dh has met my son's friends (and parents). I only have children I know well here on a sleepover (and the whole class have done camping trips, so we all know each others partners).

It wouldn't have crossed my mind to mention it

If your child gse to stay at somones house and that persons parent is married or living with somone its not unreasionable to expect that partner might be taking the children out, dropping them or watching them

I afarid its your job to inquire who lives at te house were your child is staying and what the excat arragenments are if you dont you cant moan after the event

Although i do draw the line with leaving kids with older siblings that is out of order

Add message | Report | Message poster usualsuspect Tue 07-Aug-12 23:51:01
When shes at secondary school you won't know any of her friends parents.

dont agree with this at all i make it my buniness to know sorry but my child is not allowed to randoms houses

I'm doubting myself here, because so many people I normally agree with are giving you a hard time, OP. But I agree with you. I would expect to tell a parent if I were hosting a sleepover but wasn't going to be there. In turn, I'd expect to be told if I were leaving my child in the care of someone I didn't know.

My DS goes to secondary soon. I'm not suddenly going to be allowing him on sleepovers with people I don't know.

But you won't know all his friends parents at secondary school.