why is it unacceptable to tell other people's children off

[daisiessunflowersandtulips]

I'm not talking about smacking, naughty step, punishment of any kind or telling off for trivial things. But if they do something dangerous, in your house or seriously hurtful/irritating to you what's wrong with calmly telling them not to.

Eg when BIL and SIL came to visit and their DNs were wrecking the sofa I asked them to stop (as in stop that please) and when they didn't I hauled them off. Why would I wait for someone else to do it in my house. Or if I am trying to eat a meal in a cafe and someone's child comes up and starts trying to rock my table, I say don't do that, it's not a nice thing to do, go back to your mummy.

Mostly noone minds. Once or twice people have got huffy. I genuinely don't get if you are polite about it what the issue is. Either it takes a village etc and you want your child to be socialised (which includes understanding that other people don't want you to do things which disrupts them) or only you as the parent can do it but then surely keep a tighter leash?

I don't think YABU. I politely ask friends children to stop or do something I ask them, as I do with my own children. Especially if they're in my house or I'm looking after them. I also expect that friends will do that with my DCs.

It is a bit awkward if both sets of parents are there and they have different ground rules. In that situation I would only intervene if myself, my DCs or something we own was DIRECTLY affected. Otherwise I just put some issues down to different parenting styles.

ICompletely, that's the sort of situation I mean. General brattishness - no that's for the parents if they are there. But if it is affecting me or my stuff I don't see why I shouldn't say something even if they are. It can't hurt a NT child to know that different people have different boundaries....

I think you need to give parents a fair chance to tell their own children off before intervening. Nothing annoys me more than someone leaping on my child to give them a telling off before I've had a chance to say anything. On holiday we met a couple with a PFB and the woman constantly told my DS to 'be careful' when my DS was with her DS. Sometimes DS is a bit lively but I deal with that myself and I got a bit fed up with the woman telling DS off constantly even when, in my opinion, he wasn't being naughty, he was just doing things she wouldn't let her PFB do such as climb to the top of the climbing frame, or standing on one of the walls because then her DS would want to do the same.

I think it's better if the parents do it, so they should be given a chance to first. If they don't do it, then you are free to do it.

In general I have no problem with someone else pulling my DC up if they're doing something destructive or violent, especially if it requires immediate (proportionate) intervention and for some reason I'm not there to see it / act immediately.

For visiting children I tend to say "In this house we..." and that seems to work fine. Generally I look to the parents to discipline and if it's not forthcoming then I'll say something. Have been times where it has been a fine line though and parents have not disciplined and I have not felt able to say anything... It's those grey areas of action that I struggle with.

It's not. I'm a teacher. I tell kids off every day. In school. In my house. In the street. In the supermarket. If they are misbehaving they need an adult to intervene.

Genuine question, why if it is my sofa/table in a cafe etc, should I wait for the parents to pull them up? Why is this better? What is either rude or harmful about politely asserting own boundaries?

I think its good to tell children what is expected of them such as no walking on grass or no hitting or no running by the pool. It teaches the child that everyone has and follows the rules that diffrent people have different bpundries and to question their own behaviour and that of the person telling them off in a calm even voice.

I would not be happy with someone else shouting screaming or putting their hands on my child. In that case they have anger issues and just upset the children and does not teach them anything.

stargirl, I hope you give the parents an opportunity to deal with their children before you start intervening. It would mightily annoy me if a random stranger just started telling my child off in the supermarket. Just because you're a teacher it doesn't give you an automatic right to tell off all and sundry.

@anair - of course - I would never do that and I would be horrified if I saw anyone else do that.

Yanbu

There seems to be a real culture amongst parents of my generation (20's and 30's) to NEVER tell off other people's dc

Honestly, I have watched friends dc literally beating another friends dc and the mum of the dc being hit just kind of looked at the parent in a feeble, eek, help way, rather than telling him/her not to. I mean, ffs

I always make it clear to my friends who have DC that they are more than welcome to tell my DC off, for example, if I have left the room, or haven't seen them misbehaving.

And I have twice had big fall outs with different friends because I have dared to tell their precious DC off, once was when one brat was bouncing on my new sofa and another was when another little turd was bullying my dc.

I only tell kids off if their behaviour affects me (or dd which hasn't happened yet), so damaging my property or ruining my meal I'll happily put them in their place/send them off but I couldn't care less if they're just going to hurt themselves or are swearing, that's for the parents to deal with.

It depends...I know with my son (SN) certain things will make his behaviour worse, any attention given will make him continue the behaviour as he doesn't understand the difference between positive and negative attention, so what I do is remove him and sit him in time out immediately for whatever he was doing.

I'm always near him to discipline him myself though but if it's someone else's child you might not know how they respond to discipline and you may make it worse (you can't tell a child's SN by looking at them)

However I think if you've given the parents a fair chance to respond and you know the children (nieces and nephews etc) I don't see why you can't discipline. If I'm not in the room with DS and my friend/ sister is they are quite welcome to remove DS and sit him on time out. But they know the protocol

Agree with bobbledunk, I definitely wouldn't meddle if it wasn't affecting me, my property or my DC.

Adults are in a position of power and children take thing at face value. Children are guliable and it would be easy for a strange adult to have a bad effect on the child such as nightmears or the child actting shy or abnormal in future because of one event where a stranger has said the wrong thing.

If i tell my son off he asks why and i explaine but a stranger would not explaine why we expect a certain behaviour in a certain situation. This could confuse the child.

YADNBU.

A visitor in my home has just told my kids to "keep it down". AFAIAC they were perfectly entitled to make the level of noise they were making in their own home as part of a game. He well overstepped the line for me.

However I am perfectly happy for people to step in if they feel they are endangering themselves or others and would do the same myself in such circumstances.

I think it's fine to tell them politely to stop but I would not haul someone's children unless they were physically harming another child.

I know when DS has misbehaved in the past (something like pulling my hair) and I have Almost stamped it out by removing his hand, time out, over and over again, then when we are out and about some well meaning person shouts 'don't do that' I've seen his little face light up with the attention and drama and it's back to square one with the behaviour sigh

His behaviour only got that bad because of poor handling of it at mainstream school as well

@DozyDuck - I understand how frustrating this is, but do you expect other people not to say anything if he does something which affects them?

@DD - btw didn't mean that as an attack, genuinely wondering.

Depends if you're doing it in an overtly judgmental way.

So in my book 'oi, stop that, it's really annoying' is ok because it's to do with the behaviour and how it's affecting you, the teller off. But 'stop that, it's naughty, do x instead' is less acceptable, because it involves a judgment and a comment rather than being a kind of triage approach ('your behaviour is affecting me and I want it to stop'). And I think judgement and comment are really the domain of the parent, even if said parent doesn't always seem to be right!

Its fine to say whether parents are there or not "you are not allowed to do that in my house" in a friendly tone. I would for instance shout out at other friends children and my own oi get off that wall for instance but would never punish another child.

I wouldnt tolerate any child jumping around on my sofa and wrecking my house YANBU

I think you are doing people a favour by telling their kids off and you should see it like that. The impact coming from you will be far greater and if your request was reasonable they will behave better in future, all thanks to you. So give yourself a pat on the back.

You do have to pick your moment though and hesitate to check that the parents aren't just about to sort it.

If I was the type of parent who sat on my bum and let DS run riot then yes, I'd say someone would be quite within their rights to say something to DS.

However as I'm always about 5 inches away from him and will respond instantly to behaviour in a way that's appropriate to DS then no I wouldn't expect them to discipline my child.

To be fair it isn't something I've come across often (maybe once or twice ever) because I am always there to deal with it.

If you saw someone dealing with their child would you decide to go over and add your two pennies anyway? Or is it just when nothing else is being done?