why is it unacceptable to tell other people's children off

[daisiessunflowersandtulips]

I'm not talking about smacking, naughty step, punishment of any kind or telling off for trivial things. But if they do something dangerous, in your house or seriously hurtful/irritating to you what's wrong with calmly telling them not to.

Eg when BIL and SIL came to visit and their DNs were wrecking the sofa I asked them to stop (as in stop that please) and when they didn't I hauled them off. Why would I wait for someone else to do it in my house. Or if I am trying to eat a meal in a cafe and someone's child comes up and starts trying to rock my table, I say don't do that, it's not a nice thing to do, go back to your mummy.

Mostly noone minds. Once or twice people have got huffy. I genuinely don't get if you are polite about it what the issue is. Either it takes a village etc and you want your child to be socialised (which includes understanding that other people don't want you to do things which disrupts them) or only you as the parent can do it but then surely keep a tighter leash?

And daisy the reason I am always so close to him is so noone has to say anything. I'm there, I deal with it. I do think though if you don't want people to talk to your DC then you should correct the behaviour yourself.

@Dozy - fair point, and absolutely not. I am thinking of the "always looking the other way", "we don't believe in discipline" types of parents. Eg SIL - "manners are only a social construct" (yes and my sofa is a fragile one).

That's totally different. I wouldn't be letting DS jump on sofas but if he did I would expect my friends to let me deal with it...but then I DO deal with it, and they know that. Different situations entirely.

Until recently it was normal to be told off by random adults, and this was expected by kids and parents alike. It may have been harsh sometimes, but at least kids knew where they stood when misbehaving.

It seems to take more courage these days to discipline kids who are not your own because you are more likely to be going against the norm.

Good for you for doing it.

I don't have a problem with it in either direction as long as the person doing the telling off actually saw what happened.

My neighbour once told my son off (he was 5 at the time) for being hit by her 4 year old who is built like a brick shit house quite a big boy - and now 5 years later is still a gobshite handful.

She hadn't actually seen anything, just listened to her little precious when he came in the house - the fact that he was completely uninjured and not upset and my boy was howling and had a visible thump mark on his back obviously escaped her notice. Info from witnesses confirmed the true story. (My son refused to throw a glass bottle on the road and precious took umbrage)

We still don't speak but not because of the row giving, there have been many other instances that have sealed that relationship!!

I have to say I honestly don't like other people telling my children off. I don't say anything if someone does but it's only ever been one friend and my MIL, BIL who do it constantly if we're visiting.

Only once has a stranger told my DS it was his 4th Birthday and we'd taken him to a cafe for his choice of English Breakfast. We were sitting in booths and DS's heels kept banging the seat as his legs were short. It was completely accidental as he's quite an anxious child. A woman turned around and snapped at him the first time he did it, I apologised and said it was an accident, I also got his shoes off to minimise the noise! Unfortunately, it was difficult for him not to as the wooden board behind his heels was very loud even with the slightest touch. He repositioned himself and it happened again, he looked terrified as he knew the woman would be cross, she turned around and went to say something about it but I interjected and said he really was not doing it on purpose. Her DH, DP said, 'I can't take her anywhere', so I got the impression she was a bit difficult.

Golden bear, that is unreasonable, if he was sitting deliberately banging - which can be annoying, I'd have maybe shot you a look of inquiry and if you let it carry on would have asked you to speak to him, there is no need to speak to the child at all in that situation. I use the same tactic if they are kicking the back of your seat at the cinema or on a bus etc.

If my kids friends are at our house without parents I tell them off if necessary, I even make them say please - like others say, I usually just say "at our house we have to..." and they do fit in with it, I also occasionally tell them x or y behaviour "isn't nice" (one of dd's friends used to occasionally tell me things like I needed to hoover the stairs! I didn't appreciate house keeping tips from a 6 year old!) those things aren't even a threat to people or possessions, but I have never felt I shouldn't say what I say, and the kids keep coming back - our house is always bloomin' full of other people's kids, unless my (older 2) kids aren't here either and are at their houses!

Those are kids I know well in my own home - I tell off kids in the playground by our house if they are hurting anyone or about to (throwing sand or sticks at each other) even if my own kids aren't involved, but only if the kids involved don't have parents with them - and I do know all the kids who go to the playground at least by first name, with the occassional exception of a visitor once in a blue moon!

In public, like at the pool, I'll tell a child completely unknown to me to be careful if they slam into my toddler or something like that, but generally wouldn't say anything to complete strangers' children unless they were endangering my kids or wrecking my stuff, and especially not if they had parents near by.

We live in Germany and I think a lot of the culture and expectations around kids and community are different and more old fashioned - I expect I'd have a shock if we returned to live in the UK, as I couldn't not tell off children in my own home if their parents weren't with them and their behaviour was unacceptable. Parents who sit by in my home and let their kids behave ways I find really very offensive just tend not to be invited back... though I can see that would be a problem with close family.

It was definitely not deliberate, it ruined his whole treat. She was very aggressive, I thought at one point she might as me to step outside....

Ask not 'as'.

I think if your children are in someone else's home with or without you, that parent should know how they are disciplined (if in a special way) if not, their house, their rules! Sometimes rules are different in different houses. E.g in my house, with a robust sofa and everything child friendly, kids can touch everything, run everywhere, I'm not fussed. In my friends house she has nice things so DS has to be moved if he goes in certain rooms.

However in my house we have to take our shoes off before we come in. In my friends house she doesn't care about shoes.

You should be able to tell other children the rules (in the way they are used to if appropriate) in your own house!

Yanbu, DP threw me and DD a surprise joint 1st & 21st birthday party, my brother turned up (uninvited) with his wife and her 3 brats and she looked on as they chucked ball pool balls around my living room and put their shoe'd feet on my white dining chairs. They soon stopped when I snapped at them to stop.

my baby fell asleep in playgroup last week, another bigger child came crawling over and kneed her in the head and woke her.

No reaction from parent so I said 'careful!' and picked the child up, whose knee was still on my childs head and I couldnt pick her up without picking the other child up iyswim? and put her back down near their mother. The child cried a bit but I had to move her!

At which point mother snatched her child up and glared at me and soothed her child 'did the lady upset you?'

meanwhile i'm having to see to my own distressed child. I was not impressed. She should have acted sooner and not made it all my fault. I only daid 'careful!'

I don't mind if the adult is being fair. I've come across one mum who would have a go at my three year old for not wanting to play her ds's choice of game. Or not handing over a toy she was happily playing with.

I only tell other dc off if what they are doing now is hurting someone or dangerous and their parent isn't around to do it themselves.

Nine times out of ten, you haven't seen the full story. My dd was leaping about a narrow pavement and her friend's mum told her off. The reason she was leaping about was because the other mum's dd kept stuffing a teddy in her face and she was jumping back to get away from it. It's easy to get it wrong I think. It really annoyed me at the time.

I've found with dc coming round to play you have to tell them the rules. When I've been kind and welcoming they've had my mattresses off the bed, the sofa cushions as a den, throwing food. One even said - I'm going to trash your bedroom. All things they're not allowed to do at home - but they do try it on. As such I've found you have to tell them early on it's not acceptable; otherwise it's chaos. Whether that's telling another dc off I don't know.

If they are destroying your home then fair enough.

I tell you waht bloody irratates me is when I am telling my dc to do something in a calm manner like 'pick that up' 'its time for bed' and someone comes bellowing in 'YES PICK THAT UP LASTNERVE'S DC ' thing is bless them I know they are trying to help but in reality undermining my authority. argh. sorry slight derail.

*what irritates

Oh no. I am a wimp, no way would I tell off another child when their parents were there. In fact worse than ignoring it I would normally implicate my own children in the wrong-doing and give all the children a general play nicely type telling off.

@Arabella, why? It can make your kids resentful and teach the others that there aren't consequences? (Unless you haven't seen what's gone on)

Arabella isn't that mean towards your own children though? Especially if they weren't even doing anything wrong? I'dve hated that if my mum had ever done that to me!

I will tell older children to be careful if they're about to run into my 16 month old but I'm not hysterical about it as I have a 5 year old and know that often older children are not deliberately trying to run down your baby toddler.

I was at the park this week and a woman was being ridiculously precious about her toddler who was about 2 so fairly sturdy on their feet. In the play area there is a pretend castle climbing frame. It is the older childrens' end. Anyway, she was providing armed guard for this child, snapped at any child coming near her. When her child came down the slide she would clap and cheer. The girl would sit at the bottom of the slide despite children waiting to go down and not be encouraged to move. One child got in position at the top and she barked at him, 'you wait until she gets off'. She was happy to tell others off but I think half of the playground of parents thought she was a bit over zealous with it- so it is not always a good thing.

what is an adequate length of time to give a parent the chance to repremand their own children?

I'd say you look at the other parent (if you know who they are), if they aren't reacting then you can.

I don't though I usually just go to the parent and say 'just to let you know because I'd want to know of it was my DS...'

I tell other people's children off if they're in my house. If their parents have left them here, I consider myself to be in loco parentis.
If their parents are here, I sort of expect them to do the job.
Did have to tell one kid off though as parents doing nothing and he was banging a plastic toy on the tv screen. Actually it was DH who told him off and in my view completely justified. Then he started on the glass door so I just took the toy off him. Parents just sat there saying 'don't do that' in a pretty useless way. They don't visit anymore.

I was paying for my coffee in a coffee shop - & a small hand reached over a grabbed a handful of lollies by the till then started walking off!!
It was a small boy maybe aged about 7; his mum was next to me & didn't say a word.
The waitress looked upset & attempted to ask him to put them back but he ignored her.

So i said loudly & firmly, ''right, you, put those back unless you are going to pay for them'' so he did straight away. I also said ''you shouldn't push in front of people'' - got a ''yes, sorry'' in return.

His mother then said ''do you want a lolly darling?'' & totally ignored the fact he'd a) pushed in; b) blatantly attempted to steal several lollies & c) got told off by the waitress & by me.... i would be embarrassed & give him another telling off if he was my son!!

I was a child in the 1960's when it was perfectly normal to be told off by any adult who saw you misbehave, so I do the same. If the parent is present and dealing with it, no problem. But if the parents are not present or are standing there like farts in a trance, I will tell the child to 'Stop that!' without a second thought. I honestly do not see the problem. I'd much prefer the parents to deal with it, but not all of them do. And I genuinely believe you are doing the child a disservice if you ignore bad behaviour.