To be fucking angry when other parents allow their kids to hit my 5yo DS?

[Ozziesmom]

Ok sorry for the swearing but I am at my wits end!

DS is an only child and is just not used to being hit! I have two good friends whose children think thumping mine (and I mean thumping not a playful slap) is ok? Neither parent does anything bar a brief 'dont' do that' while mine is in tears, shocked, hurt and looking at ME to protect him, it's so upsetting. I am not in the practice of telling other peoples kids off, though sorely tempted to at times and I genuinely do not know how to stop it from happening?

I don't want to tell him to hit back as I just don't believe in it but I am at a loss of what to do otherwise? tips anyone? I don't really want to loose the friendships I have and genuinely feel this is something which I/he will need to learn how to deal with at some point. I think the other parents see their own kids fighting and so its pretty much the norm for them?
Thanks in advance!

Tell your kid to tell the other kids parents that he doesn't like it and wants it to stop.

Or tell him to hit back twice as hard.

How is it that he us getting hit so much?

Well I have three kids, and they're not used to getting hit or hitting either, so don't go thinking it's anything to do with them having siblings.

If anyone hits my child, I will look to the parent first, and if nothing is doing from their quarter, I take care of it myself and tell them off.

so why not let him learn now?

It is horrible and you have a choice

you can speak to your friend and say 'see the next time your dc hit's mine' I'll not be happy

Perhaps just speak to your friend? She will likely be embarrassed that you feel this way about her dc's?

Same as pictish

Not sure if its an age thing, they do it to each other.
I am fairly sure he is not perfect and at times irritating (I know this from personal experience!) but nothing in my eyes justify's hurting someone else. And in actual fact it is less about their behaviour and more about the parents lack of giving a shit which astounds me!

I would tell off the other child myself tbh. I've always just said "no, we don't do that" or "No, X doesn't like that." and seperated them.

Yes bluebird I have a choice and need to do something now. My lack of action is not helping him, he knows if he behaved like that he would be straight home from whatever activity we may be doing and later apologise am questioning whether I have been too strict with him.

I would tell the other child off and say
No that is not acceptable, if you do that again then ds won't want to play with you anymore.
Then trip him up when mum not looking..

Ha Ha purple I might just do that, youve cheered me right up!

I would tell the other child off in this situation - nothing wrong with saying "stop hitting him, it's not a nice thing to do". If the other parent doesn't like it then tough, frankly.

Your child needs to see you standing up for him.

No you're not being too strict. What you would do is exactly what I would do which is why I have children who are complimented for their behaviour.

I agree though, it's a tricky situation because you just take it for granted that other parents would do similar and when they don't, it just feels a little bit, "well now what?"

Your choices are speak to the parents; speak to the child; encourage your child to tell the other parents; tell your child to hit back harder.

If there is a child doing something unacceptable, and the parent isn't dealing with it then you should. If the typical way it goes is that the other parent ineffectually says 'dont do that', be ready to follow it up with your own addition. Or, if these really are 'good friends' then FGS when the kids aren't around tell them that your DS is getting really upset and that being hit is really not something he should be having to experience. Ask them to come up with what they are going to do if it happens again.

I agree with pictish.

It is hard to do this as the parent of a PFB - I remember not feeling confident enough. Not entirely sure of what is normal and what is not

I think some of this is laziness on the part of the other parent - they say something to their child but in a half-hearted way. You are perfectly entitled (and should) say what they said again, and more forcefully.

Ozzie

I have friend like this too in total denial about her childs behaviour have seen it in all situations - at school, in play parks - and on play dates..she just has a lost look on her face when someone - ie another parent she doesnt know or someone in charge of something he is playing up on, complains.
Its really really odd.
Its not rough and tumble either its pre mediated pain giving plan he exectutes very well.
I would be mortified if DD hurt other children like he does- even today she did something in accident and i was straight there - asking her to apologise even though it was an accident!

Small child threw gravel at both my (9 and 11 year old) DSs yesterday. Mother said "don't do that" very ineffectually, turned a blind eye as he continued to throw gravel, as she was busy talking to her friend. As I pondered whether to intervene or not, my 11 said politely, and assertively : "Please don't throw stones at me". Mother then said "See, that boy doesn't like it".

What about "I don't like it", and then take the child away if they do it again? Too many parents don't bloody well parent

what pictish said, mine have their moments but hitting is not ok and they know it, i would do as she said, look to the other parent and if they dont intervene or they are not there i will politely tell the child that it is not ok behaviour, equally if i am out and by some chance i am not there and dont see my own child being a little shite then i am more than happy for another parent to tell them off or to tell me so i can deal with their behaviour.

You need to teach your child to say something and deal with the behaviour himself. He is five so presumably he is at school without you there to protect him some of the time? He shouldn't be looking to you to sort it out unless it is very serious. You need to teach him to shout "don't do that". Hitting is horrible and not just fun (although playfighting with mutual agreed rules can have its place). You need to help equip him to start dealing with the horrible in life as well as the good.

I think it's a very strange idea that parents with siblings think hitting is ok, and that he is in some way more vulnerable or more shocked/hurt because he is an only child. If you pass on that sort of attitude it will hinder him in friendships. I feel fortunate that I have been able to teach my children what is and isn't acceptable within the safety of my own home, but it looks like you need to look on these playdates outside the house as an opportunity to teach your child about how to interact.

Good point Maryz

DD is an only and has never been a child who uses any kind of violence towards anything. I chose not to subject her to children who would consistently be nasty to her. However, I was never scared to remove her from a situation like you describe or have words with the child/parent.

What I meant about siblings is that they do physically fight with one another at times and that this kind of 'scrapping' between sibs is the norm (I did it with my sister) DS does not have anyone to 'scrap' or even 'playfight' with and so any form of physical attack is strange for him and he has no idea of how to respond. I did tell him once to 'hit back without hurting' but he just said 'i'll get told off' which of course he will at school.

I agree that he needs to learn to deal with this now but I also agree that he needs to see me protecting him so I will definately do this now.

Maryz, one child is a vivious nasty little flucker who goes out of his way to try to physically hurt him, he has 'issues' with discipline (ie he hasn't experienced any) and is becoming a problem at school, this child I have distanced from because I get crazy stressed for DS around him. The other child is just being rough which I know is different.

Exactly what Pictish said.