To be fucking angry when other parents allow their kids to hit my 5yo DS?

[Ozziesmom]

Ok sorry for the swearing but I am at my wits end!

DS is an only child and is just not used to being hit! I have two good friends whose children think thumping mine (and I mean thumping not a playful slap) is ok? Neither parent does anything bar a brief 'dont' do that' while mine is in tears, shocked, hurt and looking at ME to protect him, it's so upsetting. I am not in the practice of telling other peoples kids off, though sorely tempted to at times and I genuinely do not know how to stop it from happening?

I don't want to tell him to hit back as I just don't believe in it but I am at a loss of what to do otherwise? tips anyone? I don't really want to loose the friendships I have and genuinely feel this is something which I/he will need to learn how to deal with at some point. I think the other parents see their own kids fighting and so its pretty much the norm for them?
Thanks in advance!

My DS is a hitter (he has severe complex SN) and there's no way I would allow him close to any child without me there to stop him before he managed to hit. It's not fair on any child to be hit!

It does bug me when other children are 'allowed' to hit, as it makes it harder to stop this behaviour in my own DS.

It's also annoying when DS is hit as he will retaliate massively and then he's usually in trouble sitting in time out while the other child wanders off un checked. (bar being hit back)

Hitting does happen with some children, and is something that has to be dealt with by other parents. YANBU.

If someone is pushing DS and I am stopping him retaliating I usually say in a really loud voice 'it's ok DS his mummy is going to tell him off now you don't have to' (even though he doesn't have a clue what I'm saying)

Usually gets the point across.

hmmm.

I have 2 boys. They sometimes get angry and cross, but do not physically fight. I always have stamped down on that. They are not perfect children, but they know not to hit or punch even when angry. Maybe an angry shove, but I will tell them off and give time out until they can come down and apologise.

So I am not with you on the "siblings find it normal to be beaten up". I think rough play can have a time and place, but punching and other violence is shocking, even at 5 or 6.

It really is down to the parents. I know a boy who wants to be friends with DS, but has issues and can be violent. So DS doesn't want to play with him (until he forgets a week/month or so later, rewind and repeat ad infinitum).

I would NEVER make my kids oplay with, or hang out with violent children. They don't have to put up with that. hitting back is not an option, but "I don't want ton play with you if you hurt me" and walking away should be enough. Do not teach to hit back, as then they'll be in trouble too.

I would say to all of them "Stop hitting eachother, it is not nice"

Therefore no child is singled out. The parent can see you are not happy, but you are not blaming their child directly.

Mine fight. But generally I let them sort themselves out as they are older.

i think it just depends on the family values. My Dsis kids regulary fight and scream at each other.

Our DD comes home shell shocked. they havent tried to hit her yet... but we live 300 miles away.

We do talk about it when we get home and she asks why they do it. I just say that its the way they speak to teach other and they think thats okay. but we prefer not to.

What does he do at school?

I have a 5 year old boy and when he plays with his mates, they tend to favour physical rough and tumble which sometimes leads to an accidental bump of some sort.

My children would hit back if physically provoked and in my limited experience, school punishes the first child to hit.

I'm surprised that you would invite a child who is so badly behaved round to your house. In my experience, it's perfectly possible to have a mum-mum relationship without involving the kids. I'd say the opposite was also true and that I know lots of great kids whose parents I do not want to be friends with but that's another story.

Yanbu to be angry and you should tell off the other child in future.

You have a couple of options-

Tell your friends it's not acceptable, if they are good friends they will act on it. If they don't stop it happening - don't meet up with them again and remove your son from the situation.

Teach your son to shout "don't hit me" - sometimes enough to prevent the hitting and alerts you to what is happening. Worked for my three yr old son, he started hitting every child because he was hit twice in the playgroup as a defense thing.

When in a situation where the parents of the hitter are not watching, then do say to the other child "don't hit" in a stern voice (don't shout at them) - if the parents have a problem with this, then tough and just ignore any backlash you get.

When my son went through the hitting stage - I watched him like a hawk. If he did hit someone, he was made to say sorry, told it upset / hurt the other child and had a timeout. I also spoke to the parent of that child.

Parenting is bloody hard - need serious PR skills sometimes.

Hope it gets sorted soon as not nice for you or your DS

Interesting you should say that Maryz he is not interested in contact sports at all, in fact he said to me yesterday 'i'm a gentle boy mummy not a rough one' might try to introduce him into something like rugby see how he gets on. Just had a playfight with him and he thumped me pretty hard on the arm, whoever eventually gets on the receiving end of that will know all about it1

I'm sorry but why are you allowing this to happen? I would not socialise with anyone whose dc repeatedly hit mine.

Just tell the other kids off...i wouldn't hesitate.

And having play fights where he "thumps" you is giving him the wrong message.

I understand why you would think that having siblings may result in children playing more roughly BUT I actually think having siblings makes them less likely to hurt another child. I have 3 boys, 2, 4 and 6 yrs and they have learned from an early age how to temper their strength when (play) fighting when with younger children, how to communicate if they have had enough and how to recognise and respect when others are not enjoying the game.

In my experience, Beavers is a great place for boys to enjoy physical play in a structured environment. Has your DS shown any interest in joining a club like that?

Thanks guys, msLydia I appreciate what you say about the wrong message and, to a certain degree I agree, however I do agree with Maryz that he may face probs in the future, am also reading Steve Biddulphs 'Raising Boys' which talks about 'roughhousing' or 'playfighting' with your kids being a good way to teach them their own limitations and when to stop- which I think is what Solola has taught her kids to do, as I said, I am at a loss of what to do and even playfighting does not come naturally in this house.
I would like him to join Beavers, i think he might have to be 6 though?

Seems to me like you have 2 separate issues here.

Firstly dealing with your friends thug of a son - as others have said, if parent not intervening then don't hesitate to. Your child is only 5, he needs to know you'll stick up for him until he learns how to.

Secondly how to help your son deal with the non aggressive rough and tumble play he will inevitably encounter when around other children. Yes he does have to be six to join Beavers and there was a long waiting list in our area so worth finding out about that now. One of the many things I love about Beavers is that they are closely supervised but allowed to play in more of a physical way than is appropriate at school.

I would def continue with the play fighting at home. It doesn't come naturally to me either but my boys are thrilled when I join in.

Tell them off. I never tell other kids off usually, it's not my place but I would have no problem with a loud Oi! No! To any little darling that hurts me or mine. if it upsets the parents even better, they should be keeping tabs on all violent behavior

I have two kids and I don't allow then to hit each other! You have to tell the other kids 'no, don't hit' if they do that. There's nothing wrong with saying that! I would also get your son to tell the mum to tell her child to stop hitting.

I have a dd and a ds and hitting each other is absolutely not allowed. I have noticed that friends' kids who are all boys seem to be more violent with each other but I don't know if that's the nature of brothers or different parenting style.

If they are actually properly thumping him, I would tell them to stop. Firmly and repeatedly if necessary. And sod the other parents.

If it's more rough play, I would tell him to walk away if he doesn't want to play, or ask them to stop. At ds's school they use the "stop sign", so if any child thinks the game is getting a bit much, they put up their hand in a stop sign and the other kids are meant to stop. This is really drummed into them and I think it works quite well.

OP, you sound like you are really taking on board feedback, and I just wanted to say that I don't think you or your son are doing anything wrong. It's more a case that he has reached a stage where he could do with a few tools to help him deal with aggression against him. And also that he could do with a little help dealing with the normally 5-year-old boy roughhousing. And all the shades of grey in between!

A couple of tips on the physical play thing - if you are not comfortable with roughhousing, one suggestion might be to get some foam swords and have some play sword fights. The rule is always sword on sword or sword on shield. It's a way to be physical but with very clear rules.

Or you could try doing "flying angels" (i.e. lifting him up on your feet while holding hands) etc, and tickle fights. Again, ways of getting physical and learning boundaries without feeling like you need to have a full on play fight.

Hope that helps.

Thanks everyone you have all been helpful. I do the 'angel' thing with him and tickle fights. Going to be a lot firmer with other kids (& their parents) if I need to but I think just having a bit of direction is going to help us both and so I am very grateful thank you x

OP, your description of your DS reminds me of my friend's son - he is a 'gentle boy', too. My son is quite energetic and physical, and although he has always been taught not to hit, he leaps around alot, puts his arms around his friends', pushes a little, wrestles when he can, etc.

About age 5 the difference between the boys was stark. I remember my son excitedly picking this friend up, jumping up and down close in front of him - this was out of happiness and friendship but it was WAY too much for the other boy at the time, and I often had to pull DS away from him and tell him to calm down. My friend didn't interfere - probably because she could see I was dealing with it - but I know she and her DH were well aware that their son was gentle and struggled to deal with the many lively boys (and girls) in the playground.

They are now seven and it is much easier. My son has matured and knows which of his friends will love a run and a wrestle and not mind pushing / being pushed, and with this child (and other quieter friends) he plays in a different, calmer, way. The friend has also grown up alot, learnt that others' don't always mean badly when they are rough, learnt how to say No effectively, and has been encouraged to be more physical through sport. He is much better able to deal with all sorts too.

If a kid is vicious though, through lack of discipline, then it is time to say something or stop hanging out with them.

I think it's right that there is a difference between "rough and tumble" play which does seem to be more in the male domain, and more agressive pushing and shoving which I have observed just as many girls do as boys.

My DS is only 2, but out of his little friends, it's the boys who even at this age seem to love running around in circles and bumping into each other, falling on the floor and screaming with laughter. One boy in our group is a more gentle soul and I just say "please be gentle" when my DS plays with him as he's more likely to get upset if he falls.

But I am down like a ton of bricks on any deliberate pushing or agressive behaviour and I think it's important for all small children to understand the distinction between the two, and also "get" who enjoys rough and tumble, and who doesn't.

I would 100% step in and tell off a hitter (in fact I regularly do) if it looked like a parent was going to ignore it, and I would also mildly admonish with a "play gently" if it looked like normal rough and tumble was getting out of control.

Some great smuggery on this thread .
If you don't like it & no other adult is taking charge then you have to act, OP.
Tell them off, brave loss of the adult friendship, teach your child ways to deflect avoid, stop or prevent, whatever you feel most confident with.
You are going to encounter this again and again and again, and so is he. What's more, you won't be there a lot of the time so you have to teach him tools to do it.

This is really tough one

I have 2 little DS and they wack each other ALOT, and of course I interject. BUT if someone outside the family hit them I know they should be shocked and dismayed, their tussles are very much a sibling thing

Speak to your mates and say its not on that your kids are wacking your DS, and make it clear that you want them to handle it

I don't think it is so much that parents with more than one child let siblings fight but more that they do fight, play or real, and as a parent you have to help them deal with it. It will happen to some extent even in the best behaved children and we make every effort to keep it to a minimum with ours but you can't be with them every second they are together and sort everything out for them (that would be the worst sort of helicopter parenting)so they learn from that in a way that might not be open to an only child.

That said, I have one gentle boy too (DS1) and one who likes a bit of rough and tumble (DS2). If DS2 needles DS1 to the point he retaliates which takes a lot I intervene but they are 12 and 8 now and most of the time, their spats are short and controlled and over in minutes so they don't need me. Certainly at 5 I would step in a lot more but I think you have to teach them to deal with the rough and tumble of other children, not completely shield them from it because you won't always be with them to rescue them.

I have absolutely no qualms about telling off another child if their parents aren't doing it. I am not talking about bawling them out and getting really angry but one short sharp ' No hitting, it isn't nice to hit others' I have no problem with. It might annoy me if other parents' did that to my child but on the other hand it hasn't happened because I do tell mine off if necessary.

As for feeling uncomfortable with rough and tumble games, I used to do it with DS1 especially by having tickling games. Not too much actual tickling but lots of catching and rolling over and bear hugs and that sort of thing. That sort of makes it less aggressive but still very physical. I also used to gently pick him up and drop him a few inches onto the bed which he loved. All very controlled but playful. You can do it without it being too 'fighty'.

I think you either need to tell the other child off firmly or speak to the parents.

If they won't do anything about it or don't like you telling off their child then you will have to either stop seeing them or leave wherever you are when it happens, with a clear "Im not having another child hit mine so we'll have to go".

That last one is all very awkward of course.

There's a child at our school who seems to hit people a lot. He went through a stage of doing it to me, in the playground, before they even started reception. His mother lets him hit her forcefully, with barely a word of discouragement. He clearly thinks it is normal and acceptable.

Mine hit each other at home but would never hit other children...I don't know why, perhaps because they know it is wrong.