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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Children scared of dogs?

90 replies

DozyDuck · 07/08/2012 15:39

Ok back story: DS has ASD, for some reason he is terrified of big dogs. I don't know why, I've tried everything to help him get over it, the farm he goes horse riding at has big dogs and after a while he was fine with them but then only them. I've tried the dogs trust, and when he gets used to a dog he's fine, but again it's only the dog he knows, he's still terrified of other dogs, especially when they run at him (being friendly) he screams and tries to climb up me. Sometimes when out of a dog is walking near him and he's obviously worried, the owner can show him that the dog is nice and DS may throw a stick for it (never touch it) , but if a dog runs up to him he doesn't like it.

Anyway me and DS were walking through the woods this morning and walking behind us a bit were a couple with a walking toddler and a little dog, DS was a bit nervous of the little dog but it left him alone so after a bit he forgot about it.

Then from the other direction walked an older woman with a border collie. The border collie saw DS and obviously thought he'd like to play with him (I understand as a lot of children love it when dogs come over) and ran over to DS wagging his tail. I said 'ahh DS look doggy likes you' (but he hardly understands much so it was more the tone I was going for to try and make him feel better)

But DS screamed, kicked, climbed up me, the lady said 'it's ok he won't bite' of which the only word DS could understand was 'bite' which made him even more scared and I lifted him up and he was in bits while I told him it was ok and petted the dog a bit.

The dog then saw the toddler behind and ran to him, which the toddler loved, so I put DS down and started calming him. The lady then walked up to the parents behind us (obviously in earshot) and said 'it's nice to see children who aren't scared of dogs instead of those whose parents drag them away'

I didn't drag him away. I lifted him because he was scared and she didn't call the dog away and said 'bite' I got really upset and walked off.

AIBU to think that of a child is scared of dogs then it's scared of dogs, it isn't the parents fault, and if the child is obviously getting scared you'd call your dog back instead of slagging off the parents for having a nervous child?

DS isn't scared of anything else, he'd happily stand in the middle of the main road if he could. I don't know why he's scared of dogs. I can't help him :(

Was the woman being unreasonable or should I have done something different?

OP posts:

WithoutCaution · 07/08/2012 15:43

I don't think she is entirely unreasonable. If you take your Dc to places where dogs go then you have to expect to meet some

She was being unreasonable to not call the dog back or to make the dog lay down so that your Dc could see that the dog meant no harm

icecold · 07/08/2012 15:44

honestly....dont take it to heart
who cares what some random lady with an over-friendly collie thinks about your parenting or your sons fear of dogs?

Although...i am sensing you really dont want him to be scared of dogs? considering the lengths you have gone to, to de-sensitise him...

why do you care if he is frigtened of dogs/

icecold · 07/08/2012 15:45

people are more pfb about their dogs than people are about their dcs

Original poster

DozyDuck · 07/08/2012 15:45

I meant to say that about him in ear shot. I do expect to meet dogs and I wouldn't expect dogs to be on a lead all the time at all and I totally understand why it wanted to play.

But I think she could have been a bit more understanding about DS being scared? It's not like I started shouting 'get that dog away!' or anything I was petting the dog and reassuring DS but he was bloody terrified. I didn't mind the experience as such it was what she said afterwards.

Should I have done something different?

OP posts:

Original poster

DozyDuck · 07/08/2012 15:47

Icecold I care because he really can't go to parks etc as its too much for him to cope with, so to get out we go on woodland walks, where there are LOADS of off the lead dogs. I don't want him to be scared every time we go out

OP posts:

Original poster

DozyDuck · 07/08/2012 15:48

You're right though maybe I shouldn't be so sensitive. I just hate being judged so much especially over something I'm trying so hard to fix for DS.

OP posts:

WithoutCaution · 07/08/2012 15:50

Could you get in touch with some dog training clubs and sit in on some sessions or even participate if the dog owners are willing to lend their dog for a few minutes?

Would knowing that he could give commands and have the dog do as he says help your DC to feel safe around large dogs? That helped my cousin when he was scared

icecold · 07/08/2012 15:50

ok...yes, that must be hard

but, just ignore daft woman with dog.

We dont all have to love dogs

(i do btw, b4 I get attacked for being a puppy-slayer or summat)

wfhmumoftwo · 07/08/2012 15:51

my children are scared of dogs - have no idea why .

I agree with caution. She was being a little unreasonable in that once she could see how upset he was she still made no attempt to get her dog on a lead and there was certainly no need for the comment she made

We have encountered similar situations in the woods and all the dog walkers have come up to me, apologised if their dog have upset my children and have put the dog on a lead until we are out of the way.

I dont make an issue of it with them as they have every right to exercise their dogs here and my children need to get used to them. As they are a bit older they know not to run, scream, shriek etc as this excites the dog, and now they are just able to ignore them most of the time

witchwithallthetrimmings · 07/08/2012 15:51

yanbu, so many dog owners seem to have a blind spot when it comes to children. They really can't understand how scared they get. "He's just being friendly" or "He just loves children". Just as I make my ds get off his bike or scooter and walk past people on the pavement not to scare them, i should expect dog owners to call their dogs to heel when they see small children. - They always do when they see bikes so the ability is there

Original poster

DozyDuck · 07/08/2012 15:53

Withoutcaution that's what me and DSs school have tried to do with dogs trust.

(3 children in DSs class, DS who's terrified of dogs and one child who over loves them to the point where she's at risk of getting mauled so they're doing a lot of work with them at the moment)

But it always seems to be the same, he gets used to that dog, it's fine, as soon as its a different dog, it's back to the way it used to be.

OP posts:

Original poster

DozyDuck · 07/08/2012 15:54

Is there a command to get dogs to go away that's commonly used? Maybe I could teach DS that so he has more control?

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 07/08/2012 16:02

It's the tone and pitch of voice and being confident that you are the one in charge, which comes acrossin your body language, which isn't easy to teach children that are nervous.

I have always have GS's and my DD's have been never scared of dogs, but my mum's next door neighbours very large akita came into my mum's house after getting through the fence, just to say hello, my DD's did everything that they knew they shouldn't, in shock.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 07/08/2012 16:03

YANBU. My gripe as a dog owner is parents who are not scared of dogs themselves telling their kids to stay away from the dog.

If a child, or adult for that matter, is afraid of dogs I would always call them to heal and put the lead on. They are rarely off the lead where there are a lot of people anyway. Our GS/collie X can get very over excited and is quite strong so I am always aware of peoples reactions to him.

She was being unreasonable to say that about you and your son though. I would guess that if she knew the full story she would be profoundly sorry.

thornrose · 07/08/2012 16:03

Oh god I feel your pain. I have a 12 year old AS dd who is absolutely terrified, verging on phobic about dogs. Where I live every second person has one.

I spend my life "loud parenting". Things like, "don't worry, it's on a lead, it won't hurt you, it's barking because it's happy to see you" hoping to explain why she is standing in the middle of the street with her hands over her eyes.

Most dog owners just look bemused/mildly p'd off by her reaction if I'm honest. Probably because it's is so extreme. I'm used to it now

Original poster

DozyDuck · 07/08/2012 16:08

I also don't like parents putting the dog fear into children, and I have seen that before and it is quite obvious.

'oh my god it's right in her face get away get away, come here DD, get your dog away!' etc etc.

But I don't react like that I just keep calm and keep saying that it's just saying hello and using calm, happy tones. I don't understand what I did to get that comment at all .

Would you think I was making him scared by my actions? I really hope I'm not!

Usually if a dog owner apologises and calls the dog away I say it's ok and explain about DS. Some of them then let him look at the dog from a distance if he calms when it's got out of his face, I've never had bad comments about it before.

OP posts:

FrothyOM · 07/08/2012 16:10

Why do dog owners seem to think parent's are in the wrong because we don't want their four legged shit machines near our kids. After all, we can't tell if a strange dog is harmless or not until it bites. There are some awful dog owners out there.

YANBU

WithoutCaution · 07/08/2012 16:11

I use 'Back' if I want my dog to backup. It works OK on overly friendly/boisterous/untrained dogs who get too close. They normally retreat to their owner so it might work for you as well. You have to use your best no nonsense/do as I say now voice

hiddenhome · 07/08/2012 16:13

I think it's very arrogant of some dog owners who refuse to accept that not everyone is comfortable to be around their mutts. They should learn that everyone is different, including children, and act appropriately - call them to heel if they start jumping up etc. They should err on the side of caution until they find out whether someone is actually happy to have their mutt jumping up at them. I keep snakes and there's no way I would suddenly drape one of them around someone's neck

YANBU and the woman was arrogant.

Original poster

DozyDuck · 07/08/2012 16:14

Thanks withoutcaution. I might try that with him next time I'm out and he gets scared. Rather than squealing and flapping he should say 'back'

Tbh when he screams and cries a lot of dogs seem to look more concerned about him and come closer. I'm more worried about one biting me if it thinks he's crying because of me!

When he was a baby he was crying and my friends dog growled at me thinking I was the cause of it cute but scary!

OP posts:

PandaNot · 07/08/2012 16:20

My dd loves animals and I'm always warning her not to pet dogs unless she's been told it is ok by the owner so even though she's very confident she would (hopefully) just stand and wait. I have heard though somewhere that if a child is afraid of dogs then picking them up just reinforces that there is something to be frightened of?

WithoutCaution · 07/08/2012 16:20

Back, no and go away seem to work most of the time. I spend so much time asking other dog owners to recall their dogs as mine doesn't like being jumped all over. It doesn't work all the time but is worth trying

Original poster

DozyDuck · 07/08/2012 16:23

So I shouldn't be picking him up? It was a last resort type thing after the woman said 'bite' (I know she meant it wouldn't bite but as DS could only understand bite he ended up convinced that the dog would bite him)

What could I do instead of lifting him up of he thinks he was told that the dog would bite?

Maybe the 'back' command would work?

I have ONCE gently pushed a dog away, but that was because DS had decided he would try and whack the poor thing with his scooter to get it away from him, so I hate one hand on the scooter and one hand pushing the dog gently saying 'off you go' to keep the dog safe.

The owner thanked me that time for stopping the dog getting hurt...

I'm at a loss.

OP posts:

Original poster

DozyDuck · 07/08/2012 16:25

Maybe I need to work on my 'no nonsense' voice. I'm a bit too softly spoken for dogs to think they have to pay any attention to me

OP posts:

MarianForrester · 07/08/2012 16:25

YANBU. We have a big dog. She is very friendly, but I understand it can be terrifying for children (anyone?!) to have her bounding up to them.

I try very hard to avoid this. It god happen one day at the beach, when a boy, like yours, was upset. I was very apologetic, and felt really bad about it.

I love dogs, but not everyone goes, and it's really important to realise this. IMO she was just being a nippy witch.

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