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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I want DC2, DH doesn't

54 replies

rattlingovaries · 07/08/2012 11:31

I know I'm probably BU, but I really don't feel it.

DC1 is 2, I am 42. I want to TTC asap really badly. I did enjoy being pregnant and all that, but mostly I think it would be good, in the long term, for DC1 to have a sibling.

DH doesn't want any more kids. He's in his early fifties, is not in great health, and says he's tired enough with DC1 and doesn't want to spend his 'last years' changing nappies

I really want to at least give it a try but all my arguments are falling on deaf ears.

Are two DC's really much more work than one? I don't believe it really, at least not after the first couple of years.

I can't force him to TTC, but it seems unfair he can force me not to.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 07/08/2012 11:32

Did you discuss this before you got married?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/08/2012 11:34

YANBU but then neither is he.

I have one DS who is almost 10, I wanted another and had always presumed we would have more than 1. DH found the whole baby thing a real shock to be honest and didnt want anymore. I had to respect that decision, it was that or leave - there is no compromise sadly.

JumpingThroughHoops · 07/08/2012 11:35

I agree with your DH.

Age, ill health. Massive factors on family life.

Original poster

rattlingovaries · 07/08/2012 11:37

When we got married neither of us wanted children. I got older and wiser and managed to talk dh into to having dc1 who is now the apple of his eye. I'm now older and wiser still and want another.

OP posts:

Debeez · 07/08/2012 11:39

With your DH. If he's worried about coping with a new child and his health you have to respect that. It's not about your arguments falling on deaf ears, he has a valid opinion and you should respect it.

I only have one DC but from hearing from friends I'd say yes two DC are that much more work.

Original poster

rattlingovaries · 07/08/2012 11:39

But doesn't the ill health argument work both ways? Surely if a parent is ill then having a sibling to play and squabble with even more valuable?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2012 11:41

I'd say having two children is like having three - it's more than twice the work, I mean.

If he's not feeling well, then your focus should be on him, in my opinion. Another baby will put enormous strain on him if he's not well.

StuntGirl · 07/08/2012 11:47

YABVU. You're the one who changed the goal posts, not him. He compromised and had a child because you wanted one even though he hadn't changed his mind. You are putting your own desires over his health, how selfish. I think he sounds like the wise one here, not you.

Nanny0gg · 07/08/2012 11:50

Are two DC's really much more work than one? I don't believe it really, at least not after the first couple of years.
Yes they are. For all sorts of reasons (imo). Doesn 't mean it's not worthwhile, but in your case I think that your DH has got many valid reasons to say no.

PineappleBed · 07/08/2012 11:57

Of course 2 are more work than 1 especially if they don't get along.

You can't force him to ttc and children aren't something you can really compromise on (can't have a part time child unfortunately). So you'll need to decide if you want this relationship or another child.

I think your DH has some valid reasons not to have more.

pumpkinsweetie · 07/08/2012 12:09

ill health is a big issue, would it really be good for more pressure to be put on him iyswim?
It also depends on what you decided when you married as to whether he should compromise or not?. Did you plan anymore children in the future or did you both decide on just the one?

I do see where you are coming from to especially as your biological clock is ticking and this could be your last chance.
Maybe you should have a talk about it?

I would say One dc is hard as its the first, 2 isn't that much of a leap, 3 is easy and four chaos as i well know

honeytea · 07/08/2012 13:03

I think your DP is being realistic, if he feels tired with 1 DC then 2 DC will be exhausting, maybe he wouldn't enjoy either as much as he enjoyes your DC1 now.

Also have you considered the chance of having a child with disabilities due to your age. Far from being a sibling to help and support your DC1 in their life a child born at the age of 43 would have (in my opinion) high chance of a disability that would effect your family life.

Noqontrol · 07/08/2012 13:14

2 are hard work. Much harder than one. I never knew the meaning of multi tasking until I had 2. I cant see it getting easier anytime soon, although I'm sure it will ease off a little when both are at school full time.
YANBU to want another child though. I wanted 3, dh only wanted 1, eventually he compromised on 2. He only agreed when I had reached the point of giving up hope and looking at the plus sides of just having one. On the other hand, your dh is not unreasonable either. And the reasons he's given are fair enough. It is hard when one of you really wants something and the other doesn't. But unfortunately, as it is such a life changing decision, and one you cant go back from, the final decision should be made by the one who really does not feel they can cope with those changes.

Noqontrol · 07/08/2012 13:18

Although, I disagree with the poster who says about a child being likely to have a higher possibility of disabilities when you are older. Children with disabilities are born to mothers (and fathers) of all ages. I wouldn't let that be a factor in the decision making.

larks35 · 07/08/2012 13:19

honeytea I'm glad you stated "in my opinion" because your comment is incorrect. There is an increased risk of having a child with a disability when you are 43 but not a high chance (ie more than 50%).

OP - having recently had our second I am pleasantly surprised to find that it isn't as hard work as I thought it would be, but I do know many with 2 who have found it twice as hard and this has continued to be the case as the children have gotten a bit older. Two siblings of 6 and 3 who fight and argue over everything is a nightmare! I'm hoping my two will continue to get on but there are no guarantees. My DP is 46 and I'm 39. We always wanted 2 and discussed this prior to starting our family, it was my DP who gave me the nudge I needed to get on with having DC2 as I was dragging my heels on that a bit. You need to have the full suppport and agreement from your DH on this and if you don't get it then accept and move on. Your DC will have just as happy a life, I'm sure.

danteV · 07/08/2012 13:19

Yanbu to want another. But he is nbu to not want another.
Imo 2 is much harder than 1. I think his reasons are valid. You need to decide if the relationship is worth more than you having another.
He did take your feelings into consideration when you had dc1, he made it clear he didn't want kids and you changed your mind. You have your compromise there.

kirsty75005 · 07/08/2012 13:25

If he's early fifties, he would be about seventy when the next one is 15-16.

Can you imagine being an ailing seventy year old and having to cope with the worst of the teenage years ?

I can understand why you feel the way you do, but what you're asking for is too much for your husband, who has already compromised.

TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons · 07/08/2012 13:26

I found 2 much harder than 1. Especially given dc2 had silent reflux and screamed for 7 months :(

Anyway, I understand you want a second child. But your husband does not. And I think he has given you very valid reasons why he does not and I feel you are being a little unfair trying to override those reasons.

You said yourself that he did not want children in the first place, he eventually agreed to keep you happy.

You are BU to expect him to do the same again.
You said you agreed, before marriage you did not want children. You have changed your mind. He clearly hasn't.

I think you just have to accept the fact rather than bringing another child into the world. It's not all about you is it? A marriage is a partnership, a compromise. He agreed to have one child, after you persuaded him. Sounds like its your turn to compromise.

kirsty75005 · 07/08/2012 13:27

PS. Having had 2 young children a few years ago - you need to be fit to cope with two little ones. If you are fit it's wonderful, but you can't ask someone who's getting on and in ill health to do it.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/08/2012 13:29

I know of 2 couples of which the wife talked their husbands into having a second DC which they didnt really want.

The first couple split up and now the wife is feeling very hard done by as a single mother.

the second couple - well she may as well be a single mother for all the help she gets from her DH...if she moans he just comes out with well you wanted two kids so get on with it or words to that effect.

Always a recipe for disaster unless you are both in agreement.

honeytea · 07/08/2012 13:29

For me a 1 in 50 chance of down syndrome is high.

I know people of all ages have children with disabilities but my concern in this OP's case would that DC1 has a father who talks about now as his "last days" so maybe a family with that situation is not ideally suited to to caring for any second child, never mind one with the added complications of a disability.

Original poster

rattlingovaries · 07/08/2012 20:52

thanks for all the comments. i'm not surprised but a bit sad to see the consensus is i am bu.

i must be a loon though because I still hang onto hope of even just trying for more.

I justify this to myself because it would be good for DC1. I know not all siblings get along, but even so.

Yes we did both say we didn't really want children, I was probably more definite about it than he was, and he's never regretted DC1. He often says it's the best thing he ever did. I'm sure he'd think similarly if we had another.

I also think it would be good for him to focus on something more positive than health problems. I think he's being pessimistic and I don't think many good decisions are made in that state of mind. I do nearly all of the childcare anyway so I can't really see what sort of a burden it would be on him. More of a blessing I should think.

honeytea, of course I know that there are increased risks at my age. I would test for chomosomal abnormalities as we did with DC1 (when in fact we got a higher risk than 1 in 50 but a negative final result).

I know I'm lucky to have DC1, and I don't forget that. It doesn't stop me hoping..

OP posts:

CockyPants · 07/08/2012 21:11

I love having one child. No sibling rivalry, no fights, just lovely being able to give my attention to DD. our family is more than complete!

GurlwiththeFrothyGoldMedal · 07/08/2012 21:20

Just a thought, OP. DH and I are both in our 50s. In the last few years both of us have had our health collapse. Thank goodness our children are young adults and can do a lot for themselves, even though DS1 has ASD. If they were young children I don't know how we would have coped.

Noqontrol · 07/08/2012 21:26

Hey rattling, it doesn't mean you have to stop asking. Rationality doesn't always win. I still kept on and on, and dh eventually said yes. Strangely enough after I'd given up asking, but after a lot of honest talks. I didn't think he would give way on that one. So there maybe is still hope. And I do most of the childcare too, damn hard work but Im still happy with that. Good luck.

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