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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I want DC2, DH doesn't

54 replies

rattlingovaries · 07/08/2012 11:31

I know I'm probably BU, but I really don't feel it.

DC1 is 2, I am 42. I want to TTC asap really badly. I did enjoy being pregnant and all that, but mostly I think it would be good, in the long term, for DC1 to have a sibling.

DH doesn't want any more kids. He's in his early fifties, is not in great health, and says he's tired enough with DC1 and doesn't want to spend his 'last years' changing nappies

I really want to at least give it a try but all my arguments are falling on deaf ears.

Are two DC's really much more work than one? I don't believe it really, at least not after the first couple of years.

I can't force him to TTC, but it seems unfair he can force me not to.

OP posts:

Noqontrol · 07/08/2012 21:31

Well, my husbands health collapsed too, in a very life changing way, when dc were still (are still really) toddlers. But you still get by. But we are lucky to have very supportive family and friends. But due to health we definitely wouldn't be having a third now. Not that we would have done anyway!!

Nanny0gg · 07/08/2012 21:33

You are clearly going to carry on looking for positives even though the majority here agree with your DH doesn't.
And you are not listening to him.

griphook · 07/08/2012 21:36

Yanbu, I'm really sorry that you're in this position, my dp didn't want a second child. Was quite adamant really. It was discussed early I'm out relationship that we would have two children, but it took a long time to conceive ds 1 and dp then became unsure about another.

Tbh I was prepared to leave him if he didn't change his mind after 2 years. Luckily he did. ( desperate for a 3rd but not even going there)

It is hard, ds1 is two, and i know and can see that dp loves and adores ds2 but I don't feel that I can ask for as much help as I did with ds 1 as I think that at some point it I may get the you wanted two you cope with two line. Not sure of I'm being fair to dp there or if I just feel a bit guilty that persisted.

Sparks1 · 07/08/2012 21:38

I also think it would be good for him to focus on something more positive than health problems. I think he's being pessimistic and I don't think many good decisions are made in that state of mind.

Then suggest he takes up a hobby or something, because having a child sure isn't the answer.

What you're suggesting is akin and as irresponsible as people who think having a child will save a failing relationship.

If he's early 50's and his health is failing another child shouldn't even be on the agenda.

Original poster

rattlingovaries · 07/08/2012 21:39

I am listening to DH Nanny0gg, I just think he's come to the wrong decision

OP posts:

chandellina · 07/08/2012 21:41

I know this sounds harsh but the odds of even conceiving and carrying to term aren't that great at 42 so I don't think this can be a lengthy debate. I don't blame your dh at all and I think having one is great but if he is going to give it a shot its got to be asap.

Original poster

rattlingovaries · 07/08/2012 21:45

chandellina, you are not being harsh, those are the facts. but we could at least try. we got lucky very quickly 3 years ago, I know 3 years at this age is a long time

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 07/08/2012 21:46

Well, a different slant.

You are 40 years older than your child. Your husband 50 odd older, and already in ill health and tired.

When your child is 20, you will be 60, and his father 70, and possibly not healthier.

When your dc is 30, and possibly himself having a child, you will be 70 and your husband 80.

You have created a sandwich generation child, who will have to deal with elderly parents, and possibly family life with babies and young children at the same time.
While looking into nursery for his dc, he might be also looking into nursing homes for his parents, hypothetically speaking.

He will shoulder this burden on his own, because he has no sibling to even discuss matters with.

cantspel · 07/08/2012 21:48

The simple fact is that your husband doesn't want anymore and you need to respect that.

If you keep pushing you could end up damaging your marriage.

SizzleSazz · 07/08/2012 21:49

My DH is early 50's. And you know what, i thank goodness he is that than a younger abusive arse (which given the threads on here could be a distinct possibility).

We may have 'sandwich' DC but they are loved and cherished. I am hoping that will see us all through

Original poster

rattlingovaries · 07/08/2012 21:55

there are no guarantees for anyone, if you have children in your twenties or thirties you can't assume your health will always be great, or that your relationship will survive.
We definitely make much better parents now than we would have done a decade or two or three ago.

OP posts:

chandellina · 07/08/2012 21:59

I agree there are no guarantees but the rhythm of life means some people really want to be taking a step back in their 50s or 60s rather than raising teenagers. This to me is a big downside of being an older parent.

Noqontrol · 07/08/2012 22:01

Not necessarily Rattling. I had dc 1 at 38 and dc 2 at 40. Both first time. My friend from school had dc 1 at 42 and dc 2 is due any time soon (43). Both first time. It doesn't mean you're going to struggle because you are older.

kirsty75005 · 07/08/2012 22:41

@rattling. You really think that he's come to the wrong decision? You think that when someone in their early fifties with failing health says they don't feel up to taking on the responsability and investment that comes with a new child that is an unreasonable point of view? You can't understand why he might want a period of enjoying his retirement between child-raising and frailty?

You do all the childcare now, and you're confident that that will still be the case when you have two? You can guarantee that you won't find yourself needing his help, that you will be able to be essentially a single parent to two small children? If anything, if you're doing most of the childcare with one and he's tired out nevertheless that really suggests he's not up to a second.

OwlBabies · 07/08/2012 22:41

Having a second child is something that you both have to want. And one thing you can't do - as I know from experience - is assume that your second child will be like your first. Leaving aside your age, what if you have a 'complicated' child with a severe disability? That can happen to anyone, of any age. It can happen even if you have all the chromosomal tests while pregnant - because not all disabilities are caused by chromosomal abnormality. It's easy to say your DH will feel differently once the baby comes, or that you'll do the bulk of the childcare - if you have a high-needs child (and it can happen to anyone), what then? You'll need a partner who's fully involved and committed. I'm sorry if this sounds gloomy and negative and like something that could never happen - but take it from me as someone who skipped into a second pregnancy because the first baby was so lovely and easy, it really is a good idea to think through all possible scenarios.

Sparks1 · 07/08/2012 22:50

there are no guarantees for anyone, if you have children in your twenties or thirties you can't assume your health will always be great, or that your relationship will survive.

A completely moot point in your case though as you already know your partners health is failing.

Sallyingforth · 07/08/2012 23:04

When we got married neither of us wanted children.

You changed and wanted two. He doesn't.
But you do have one. That sounds like a reasonable compromise to me.

dixiechick1975 · 07/08/2012 23:13

Your risk of having multiples also increases with age - so you should discuss what if one more turns out to be 2 or 3 more. Could he care for DC1 if you had a high risk pregnancy.

I think you should listen to DH - his reasons for not all seem to be valid ones.

BagofHolly · 07/08/2012 23:34

Perhaps a way forward might be to discuss how strongly you both feel. For example if on a scale of 1-10 you felt this was an 8, on how strongly you felt that you should both ttc, but he said his not wanting to ttc was only a 5 of importance, it gives you somewhere to go with who has the stronger needs.

YANBU. x

Cherriesarelovely · 07/08/2012 23:39

I can completely understand how both of you feel OP. I don't think either of you are wrong. I never expected to only have one DC but that is how it has worked out (and I am now very content with my one lovely DD but was hard for a good few years). I would say though that if you did conceive and all was well with you and the baby that would be fantastic and your DH might come round as he did with your DC 1. However, if there were complications for you or the DC or indeed your DH's health difficulties increased it could be incredibly and could put huge pressure on your family. Obviously it is completely up to you and your DH what you decide to do but on balance, since you are asking for opinions I would say that if I were in your position I would enjoy the family I had already. I think your DH is being very responsible to consider his health status in this context.

mrsmusic2 · 07/08/2012 23:57

OP, I have been in your shoes, I had my first child at 41 when my DH was 47 and desperately wanted a second. He wasn't keen TBH and we talked it over for a year. Eventually I got pregnant fairly easily at 43 and we had a DS when my DH was 49. It was hard on both of us but he loves them both to bits. He has no health issues though.

I understand completely your desire to have a second child but I think in the end he has to agree with you. Please ask me any questions I could help you with.

BonkeyHasGOLDMollocks · 08/08/2012 01:15

Switch positions for a second, would you still want another child if you were in his position?

And what about if your health detioriates?
Do you have help?
You have already said that you do most of the childcare.

RubyFakeNails · 08/08/2012 01:31

You broke the original agreement, you changing your mind is your burden to carry.

I think it's quite irresponsible if his health is failing for you to have another child I also think its cruel to him because it will only make him more tired, resentful towards you and possibly damage his health further as well as his relationship with your current child.

I'm an only child and perfectly happy, lots of people have terrible problems with their siblings. Continuing Quintessentials point, both my parents and a fair few people I know have had an absolute nightmare dealing with their elderly parents care as they cannot reach an agreement with their siblings. It's swings and roundabouts.

You've been told your opinion that he is wrong is BU and I don't think you are paying any attention so I imagine my post is completely irrelevant but I shall make it anyway as is massively disagree with you.

StuntGirl · 08/08/2012 01:31

Thing is OP it's ok for you to want another, really it is. Just like it's ok that he doesn't. Your feelings aren't wrong, it's your behaviour and attitude that comes across that way. I hope you're articulating yourself better when discussing this with him, because the reasoning and way you're putting it across here does seem unreasonable, even if the underlying desire isn't.

Ultimately this comes down to respect; can you both respect each others feelings on this even though they're completely different? I think you really have to accept the fact that you've probably already had your compromise - your child. Be thankful for them and enjoy your family, you say your husband is in ill health - make the most of the wonderful family you already have.

Mayisout · 08/08/2012 07:11

I don't think 2 is much more work than one.
You could tell him 2 will play together and amuse each other and be less trouble (probably not true, they are as likely to fight).

What about agreeing to try for 6 months or a year and if you don't conceive call it a day.

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