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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to make DS replace my bone china mugs

64 replies

VicarGoingForGoldInKungFu · 05/08/2012 20:09

i hate this, i hate feeling like this but i cannot wait until DS goes to uni in Sept......he is draining every last ounce of strength i have.

He is 20, he has SN,

i have some bone china mugs that i lovingly chose on holiday, DS has thrown them away rather than wash them up. Sad

he takes mugs to his room despite repeated requests not to do so because they stay there until they are growing things
then he chucks them away rather than wash them.

now 4 out of my 6 bone china mugs are missing.
i know its trivial but its just another nail in the coffin for our relationship and i hate myself for thinking this but i cant wait for him to leave home.
i need a break from him so badly or i will end up doing him a damage.

i have asked him to replace the china mugs.

OP posts:
RaisinDEritrea · 05/08/2012 20:11
Sad

no advice, just sympathy, it all sounds terribly draining

FeakAndWeeble · 05/08/2012 20:13

Oh Vic. Just keep telling yourself 'It's nearly September it's nearly September'. It's not a horrible thing to think; parents all over the country will have this as their mantra I'm sure and many of those don't have to deal with the sorts of problems you have.

At least you know that he is definitely going now! Wink

Pandemoniaa · 05/08/2012 20:14

No advice really but just more sympathy. You need a break from each other and September is very nearly here.

RandomMess · 05/08/2012 20:15

Yes I would make him replace them.

FGS bone china mugs, they are sacred in this house.

Glad you got the uni place sorted out in the ende, I'd start counting the days if I were you.

Have you sorted out something about covering the nightshifts or is that just another unresolved nightmare Sad

Original poster
VicarGoingForGoldInKungFu · 05/08/2012 20:15

i feel drained within 10 minutes of him coming home.

he has been to stay with a friend for the weekend and the moment he comes back i feel my breathing get shallow and a knot in my stomach.

i hate that i want him to go. i do really love him.
but i do. i do want him to go.

i just tried to talk to him about my boundaries and he asked when he has crossed boundaries.....he shut up when i said he crossed one when he took my bank card and cleared my bank account.....

he is incredibly hard to live with.
its all these little things that add up to me feeling such relief when he isnt here - and im not proud of that.
i so wish he was a pleasure to be around.
but he isnt.
my mugs are just another casualty.

OP posts:
Viperidae · 05/08/2012 20:16

You are not being awful Vicar, you are just worn out with all of this.

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask him to replace them, as SN or not, he has to be told that this is not acceptable.

You have done amazingly well to deal with all of this, hopefully you are now on the home straight so hang in there.

Original poster
VicarGoingForGoldInKungFu · 05/08/2012 20:18

he wont commit to a date that he is leaving though.....
if he suddenly turns around and says he isnt going i will SCREAM

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/08/2012 20:20

Think I'd be tempted to evict him if he doesn't and let SS find him some suitable accommodation Blush

FallenCaryatid · 05/08/2012 20:21

He needs to replace them, they were not his to throw away.
Don't hate yourself or him vic. you have lived braced for disaster for so many years that you just can't do it any more. I love archery, but if you keep your bow strung taut, the stress will eventually destroy it.
Time for him to move on, live out of disposable cups and plates and make his own way.
Glad university is still on the cards.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 05/08/2012 20:23

Vicar, may I ask what his SN is?

YANBU, by the way.

Petsinmyolympicpudenda · 05/08/2012 20:24

Dont beat yourself up. It's must be so draining for you, you must cobra Roy feel on edge.
I really don't think there is anything wrong with looking forwards to him leaving.
And I would have him replace the cups too.

FallenCaryatid · 05/08/2012 20:25

He's an Aspie like my boy, alliwant.

Petsinmyolympicpudenda · 05/08/2012 20:25

Constantly not cobra ray. What an odd auto correct!

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 05/08/2012 20:28

Thanks, Fallen. Apologies for prying. I just wondered if his behaviour was SN related.

McHappyPants2012 · 05/08/2012 20:28

Sounds like you need a break

FallenCaryatid · 05/08/2012 20:28

If he doesn't go to uni, he needs to get a job and a houseshare vic. Or you won't be sane at Christmas.
I thought your OH was supposed to be dealing with all the tricky bits? He could march your DS to the shops and help him choose some lovely replacements.

Original poster
VicarGoingForGoldInKungFu · 05/08/2012 20:28

he says he is looking but cant find the same design,and that has now become "i will do it tomorrow" which translates as "i will pretend until mum stops harping on about bloody mugs and then i will forget it"

he SNs are asperger syndrome, dyspraxia and dyslexia. i think its the AS that makes him totally self absorbed though.....

i understand AS absolutely as well as anyone can.
its still bloody hard to live with though.

it just starts the moment he comes back home.
i have spent 2 days looking for mugs which will by now be in bits at the landfill.

OP posts:
FallenCaryatid · 05/08/2012 20:32

'Thanks, Fallen. Apologies for prying. I just wondered if his behaviour was SN related.'

Usually.
Vic is a far warmer and more caring person than me, she has a big heart and gets hurt when shit like this happens.
I detach my emotions and study my DS when he's being a PITA Aspie. Hurts less.

McHappyPants2012 · 05/08/2012 20:34

A little late now, but why not buy cheap cups when he is at home and pack away the nice cups and mugs.

With the asd he really doesn't have a clue why you love your bone china cups as to him a cup is a cup

Original poster
VicarGoingForGoldInKungFu · 05/08/2012 20:34

he has just made me laugh....

he says if id told him the mugs were special he wouldnt have used them.
like he doesnt take crockery upstairs, just like ive asked him....repeatedly.....over and over again Hmm

i have found glass wear in the bin before.
he knows damn well that its just not on - he chooses to do it anyway.

he seems sorry right at this very moment after i have just told him that right now, i am finding him the most difficult to live with that i have ever ever found him....

ive also told him that while he is welcome home from uni at any time, his room will be cleaned and redecorated and he is to treat it with some respect....

why i waste my breath ive no idea

OP posts:
FallenCaryatid · 05/08/2012 20:36

Mine used sections of my spice cabinet with drawers for a college project.
Every time I look at the gaps I feel irritated.
Let's not mention the other bits of my home that got cannibalised for Art.
And sprayed with enamel paint.

FallenCaryatid · 05/08/2012 20:37

'With the asd he really doesn't have a clue why you love your bone china cups as to him a cup is a cup'

Not his cup though.

Original poster
VicarGoingForGoldInKungFu · 05/08/2012 20:37

fallen you have the right idea.

he couldnt just ditch my run of the mill 6 for a fiver mugs from Tesco could he?

noooooooo

lulled into a false sense of security because they have lasted a year. i bought them last year, i think he must suddenly and recently have realised that chucking them is easier than washing them.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/08/2012 20:39

Fallen Shock

FallenCaryatid · 05/08/2012 20:40

Is theShock for my spice cabinet? It's appreciated!
Soldering in the house sets off the smoke alarm. That was something new.

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