Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the daily responsibility of 50 + animals?

61 replies

greenwichgroove · 05/08/2012 08:54

I have posted some of this before

My gp has a lot of animals inc chickens, ducks, birds, dogs, cats, more than 50 inc birds, they require a lot of care/feeding/cleaning/grooming.

I have posted before but I do not get on with GP, All of their seven children and six grown up grandchildren live within two miles of them. Out of all of them I am the least close relationship wise. Infact I have had counselling because of past issues with gp but we weren't all treated the same so a couple of others are very close.they started this behaviour with my dds and I went mad and didn't go for a while prior to the time they needed care.

Gp will even ask me to come and sort something for him and then ask me to leave when the "favoured" children and grandchildren arrive even if in the past I had been previously asked to stay for dinner in the afternoon (prior to them needing care.

Anyway I seem to have been left caring for gp on my own and because of the level of care they want its getting to be exhausting, by want i mean they can manage a lot for themself but won't, they can wash, dress, make a meal and toilet etc but often won't unless we go but manages to make a full roast at weekends for the other relatives. we can't go on holiday, we can't go out for the day, its causing problems with work but at the end of the day its my relative and I do it .

Two of the others don't work and none of them have children that are young apart from me and I am a lone parent.GP is still quite spiteful to me and my dds.

What's worse if they have started calling me home from work or days out. Tuesday I was called home from work as to was "needed immediately" turns out he milkman hadn't been, the other day I had a day off work and went in in morning did breakfast and fed animals, brought shopping for lunch then went out. They knew I had paid for an activities for dds. Got a phone call as we got on bus saying I need to come home immediately. When I got back they wanted potatoes.

Anyway I go Monday to Friday and other relatives go for a couple of hours at the weekend for a meal and gp makes them a meal, GP has started ringing me in the morning to come and clean/groom and feed all the animals BEFORE they come for their meal. I asked why they cannot do it and been told "they are not one for animals.

The thing is I go longer hours at work in September, we already have no life as dds spend all their time after school there as it is and in a morning but Im going to end up having to get dds up at 5am to go and sort them all out before work :(

OP posts:
Original poster
greenwichgroove · 05/08/2012 09:02

Sorry I realise that was very long and I sound a bitch :(

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 05/08/2012 09:02

i would get Social services to put together a care plan and perhaps stop doing the caring for your GP and get carers in

if they can not look after themselves then i would be contacting RSPCA and RSPB because how are they going to care for the animals.

Shakirasma · 05/08/2012 09:03

yANBU

You need to put your own kids needs before anybody else's needs, and they have plenty other people to help.

You need to decide what you can manage to do for them and stick to it, and do not feel guilty for prioritising your own family unit.

The sentance "No, that doesn't work for me!" needs to be used as often as necessary.

FallenCaryatid · 05/08/2012 09:05

Tell the rest of your family that you are quitting being the slave girl, and the martyr. Have a family conference to decide what is the best way forwards.
What you are doing is not admirable, especially with the impact it is having and will have on your own children.

TheVermiciousKnid · 05/08/2012 09:06

They are taking advantage of you and it sounds like they're not treating you very nicely. You need to say 'no' more often! Especially as they have plenty of other (potential) help. If they phone you at work or on your day off, ask them what they need and if it's something silly like potatoes, tell them that you can't do it right now.

Having to get your daughters up at 5am to get all their animals sorted is ridiculous. Tell them you can't do it.

Good luck!

JeezyPeeps · 05/08/2012 09:07

You don't sound like a bitch - quite the opposite! You sound like you are doing far more than your share for people that don't appreciate you, and the ones they do appreciate are not doing nearly enough.

YANBU.

TheVermiciousKnid · 05/08/2012 09:07

Yes, I meant to add that as well: you don't sound like a bitch at all!

lisianthus · 05/08/2012 09:08

Yanbu, you don't sound like a bich. You sound like a saint, frankly. You need to start prioritising you, your children, and people who don't treat you like an unpaid and unappreciated skivvy.

And what Mchappypants said.

TheVermiciousKnid · 05/08/2012 09:08

As long as you keep doing what they ask (or demand, by the sounds of it!), they will keep asking for more - with very little thanks.

TheThingUpstairs · 05/08/2012 09:09

You need to start saying no for the benefit of yourself and your children. Your relative is really taking advantage of you. Certainly don't go and make meals for someone capable of cooking for a group of people at the weekend.

Original poster
greenwichgroove · 05/08/2012 09:10

Thanks for not flaming me :( Gp has been offered daily care from social services and has refused them and wont have them.

GP called me last night to come this morning and sort them all out and we are going out so I refused as adult children going today (my aunts and uncles who are NOT elderly), gp made me feel awful about not going and basically did the "ohhh they will have to manage without food and water today then" guilt trip....

OP posts:
midori1999 · 05/08/2012 09:11

You don't sound like a bitch at all, they are taking the piss! Needing care doesn't mean they can't treat you with respect and consideration.

I think you need to make it clear that you have your own, non avoidable commitments and (if you want to) tell them that you can offer to help them for xxx number of hours a week at set times.

Can they really not even groom their own animals? How are they walking the dogs? On the face of it, I'm afraid it sounds like they can't be arsed.

midori1999 · 05/08/2012 09:13

And if they're telling you the animals have to manage without food and water because no one else can be arsed to do it then phone the RSPCA and tell them that these people cannot care for their animals and have nothing suitable in place for them.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 05/08/2012 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheVermiciousKnid · 05/08/2012 09:16

Why do they have so many animals if they can't really care for them? Do they still keep getting more animals?

cansu · 05/08/2012 09:16

If you can't tell them no because you feel uncomfortable(they seem to be manipulating and upsetting you). Write them a letter stating what you are and are not prepared to do and also when you can and can't help. Be honest and tell them you won't be feeding animals etc. tell them clearly that they will need to ask for help from other relatives as well. then stick to your guns. They really sound as if they are taking advantage of you because they want to show a different front to other relatives coupled with the fact that they are unpleasant and ungrateful for our help, you must stand up for yourself as they will only make more and more demands of you as they get more elderly.

FallenCaryatid · 05/08/2012 09:17

PITA grandparents are the entire family's responsibility, and you have a lot of other relatives who should be involved in their care and support.
Stop being a doormat and start telling the others what the situation is, and that it is too much and unfair to expect one person to pick up the slack. This is happening because you are the only one being guilted into responding. Do something to change the situation if you are not happy, you don't even like these people.

msrisotto · 05/08/2012 09:17

God, why are you still involved with them? I know they're family but you are not bound to stay involved when they treat you like shit. Others will pick up the slack. They won't be abandoned if you wash your hands of them and I certainly wouldn't blame you if you did. They are emotionally abusive to you to be honest. Don't feel bad because they obviously don't feel bad about the way they are hurting you.

dolallylass · 05/08/2012 09:17

Crikey if that was me I'd change my numbers but you sound much much nicer than me so you need to say no and do what you can reasonably do, not what they demand. Calling you back because they need potatoes that's disgraceful. I think we tend to forget the olds were young once would they have put up with this from their older relatives? I doubt it ! Good luck.

laudinum · 05/08/2012 09:20

I'm with midori on this one. If they have too many animals to cope with then the RSPCA would be able to advise or perhaps rehome some to enable the gp to manage the animals on their own.

You are being taken advantage of and you do not have to do these 'beck and call' tasks. The others sound perfectly capable of helping.

You must be firm and say no. Ignore the guilt trips as the animals were your gp's choice, not your responsibility.

mangomadness · 05/08/2012 09:21

If they can't look after their animals any longer then they should rehome them. If they can manage the cats (for example) then they coukd keep those and rehome the others.
As far as you looking after them, stop it. They've been offered help, they've refused. Why should you be their slave, ready at the click of a finger?! Your children need you more.

Original poster
greenwichgroove · 05/08/2012 09:21

Midori someone else has offered to take the birds and ducks and such not the dogs and cats and such ) as its too much now and they just sit in their averies. GP won't let them go even though they are fed up of them and do not bother with them because it means certain people inc me wont have to go then and will not go at all.

If I do not do it my mum feels she has to (she does go when she can) but she is disabled and it costs her money she has not got in petrol to get there and she is in a lot of pain. So I feel guilty from that part too. My mum does not get on with GP either and neither does another aunt and uncle (gps children) who refuse to go at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
greenwichgroove · 05/08/2012 09:23

Thats how I feel Laud, my dds would love a dog but we did not get one as I did not feel that I had the time to give the commitment needed and didnt want to be tied down and not able to go out and such.

:(

OP posts:
NameGames · 05/08/2012 09:23

greenwich I think you need to think about this a little differently: why are you treating your dds like this?

LimeLeafLizard · 05/08/2012 09:24

Look, to be blunt, I think you need some help yourself, mainly in gaining the confidence and self esteem to tell GP (and other relatives) 'No'. You don't sound like a bitch at all, in fact you sound like someone who has been manipulated for so long that you don't recognise just how badly you're being treated.

GP obv does need some help - and social services have offered this. If he chooses to refuse it, well that is his problem. He is an adult and needs to man up and take responsibility for his own life - starting off by getting rid of all the animals he can't care for. They need to be re-homed with someone who has the time, skills and energy to look after them properly.

Please put yourself and your children first and change this situation. No-one else will change it, only you can do this.

BUT you don't have to change all of it overnight. Take tiny steps, one day at a time. Hopefully this thread alone will be one of those steps, giving you some strength to know YANBU.