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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sure, I didn't hold up my end of the bargin, but resentful all day?

101 replies

tryingdad · 04/08/2012 20:18

On the weekends my wife and i take turns sleeping in (or doing whatever) until 9am while the other parent watches our 2 YO. Yesterday my wife mentioned she wanted to attend services today and so i would start watching our son at 9. I goofed- i stayed up too late watching sport and slept until 9:20. This meant she did not have time to get ready. I realized that i messed up but i feel like she could have and should have woken me up so that she could get ready. She feels like she should not have to do that and it was my responsibility, and that it shows i don't care about her wishes. She is angry and will likly be angry for the rest of the day. waking me would have made everything work out i think. I know i goofed, but am i being unreasonable to not feel like she should harbor resentment for the rest of the day?

OP posts:
CaptainHetty · 05/08/2012 10:44

I think it depends, as some of the others have said, if you do this a lot or not. My ex was like this, and I cannot even begin to describe how infuriating it is to put up with someone who, despite knowing about plans, is impossible to get out of bed or incapable of going to bed at a sensible time. I could have gone upstairs and poked him and prodded him with a stick and he still wouldn't get out of bed. I'd get an hour of 'yeah I'm just getting uuuup' in the style of a teenager, then when he did get up he'd spend an hour and a half getting himself ready, whilst I can get myself and three kids ready in that time.

So yes, in the context of your post she is BU and should have woken you up, but actually we have no idea if you do this a lot or not, she might have bloody good reason to sulk all day.

Homebird8 · 05/08/2012 10:45

I'd have just sent a 2 year old DC in to give Daddy a big wake up kiss and cuddle and got on with what I needed to do. I'm amazed you hadn't been woken by your little one anyway. Small and silent type eh?

coppertop · 05/08/2012 10:52

I notice that the OP carefully dodged the question of whether or not this was a one-off.

"She feels like she should not have to do that and it was my responsibility, and that it shows i don't care about her wishes."

She's got a point, hasn't she? You actively chose to stay up late when you knew that you had to get up early. You chose not to set the alarm so that you would wake up in time, even though you knew that you were going to bed late. Those things are your responsibility.

Turning it around and saying "Well you should have woken me up" is shifting the responsibility on to your wife. I would be pretty resentful of that too.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 05/08/2012 10:53

This is funny.

I'm not sure why.

DairyNips · 05/08/2012 13:08

I agree with coppertop

If you had set an alarm none of this would have happened.

You are responsible for getting yourself up on time.

YABU

lottiegb · 05/08/2012 15:09

You still haven't told us whether she actually was in a mood all day. Or if you apologised. Or how often you let her down like this.

If you had apologised sincerely and offered reasonable redress (e.g. you do the early shift both days next weekend) and she remained in a mood all day, she'd be being petty. But if you didn't apologise properly and offer to make up for her missing out, then projected your own expectation of her moodiness (at the time of posting that's all it was) onto her all day, then it's quite possible that you created and sustained her bad mood towards you.

The expectation of a bad mood must have come from experience. Why not think about what you could do to ensure she is in a good mood throughout next weekend? Get yourself some experience and expecatation of that instead of trying to undermine each other and cultivate resentment.

The overwhelming response about being able to get ready with a two-year-old may be true but that doesn't make it relevant to the situation you posted about. You knew she wanted, and felt she needed, time alone to get ready and you did not question that when the arrangement was made.

ilovesooty · 05/08/2012 15:31

what on earth was the point of not waking him up?

Probably so that she can sulk al day. Some people just have discontent off to a fine art and enjoy being passive aggressive.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 05/08/2012 15:44

I agree with SparklyBoots

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 05/08/2012 15:45

and coppertop

flippinada · 05/08/2012 15:55

Assuming this is genuine and has not been written by a sniggering teenager, you are being unreasonable.

If you knew you had to be up for a certain time why didn't you set the alarm?

Mind you, I suspect this thread is set up so that everyone will go ooh, poor you of course she's bu, how childish, etc.

rainydaysarebad · 05/08/2012 15:56

Goofed...I used to work with a really annoying man who used to always say that. Bad memories.

flippinada · 05/08/2012 15:58

As an aside, does anyone else share my general bemusement when it comes to people who expect others to wake them up. Why?

Taking responsibility for yourself in this way is part of being a fully functioning adult, surely?

WorraLiberty · 05/08/2012 16:01

My general bemusement is towards the wagging fingers who presumably have never ever forgotten to set their alarm clocks.

This is one of those threads that I think would be entirely different if the OP were the wife.

Everyone forgets to set the alarm now and then....yes even responsible adults.

But sulking like a petulant child all day is beyond babyish.

lottiegb · 05/08/2012 16:12

Thing is we don't even know if she did sulk. He just believed she would (and thought posting on her more productive than trying to turn her mood around).

flippinada · 05/08/2012 16:18

How do we know she is sulking? We just have op's word for it.

Or could she be justifiably pissed off because this sort of thing happens routinely?

Alternatively, maybe she doesn't dare wake him up because she knows there'll be some unpleasant pay back if she does.

Latara · 05/08/2012 16:34

Agree with Ghostship.

Life really is too short for this kind of shitty behaviour.
Tell her to wake you up next time; & try to remember to set an alarm yourself as well... but it's not exactly a big deal.
It sounds like her way of 'getting at you' for the 'crime' of staying up late to watch T.V.
(Btw, Saturday night in with your wife.... why ARE you staying downstairs watching sport when you could be upstairs together IYKWIM?? Maybe THAT is why she's pissed off at you? )

Also if she's just been at a Christian church service then she should have forgiven you by now because she's a Christian etc etc Grin

Latara · 05/08/2012 16:36

Or you could have had a lie in together.....

Can someone remind me what is the point of marriage if it means arguing & hassle all the time??
I must find a nicely chilled out boyfriend!!

Schoolworries · 05/08/2012 16:44

Im going agasint the grain here

You messed up, you failed on two accounts and act like its no big deal at all with your "goof" (ridiculous word btw).

Yet you have sucessfully manupiulated your captive audience on here into beleiving she is the bad one. Absolute cheek of you! She has done nothing wrong.

Whats the purpose of this thread? So you can show your dw how "right" you are and how really, despite you cocking up and behaving like a teenager she needs to sort her behaviour out.

You come across as very manipulative. I bet you have already shown her this thread with glee havent you?

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 05/08/2012 16:46

If I oversleep I would expect DH to wake me if he was due to go out tbh. And I would do the same for him.

my kids wake me up most mornings but I am getting very little sleep in this pregnancy so blaming that

AllYoursBabooshka · 05/08/2012 16:52

Alternatively, maybe she doesn't dare wake him up because she knows there'll be some unpleasant pay back if she does.

Such as?

Where are you getting this from?

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 05/08/2012 17:00

I think the OP might be winding us up. Or, OP, are you just deliberately not answering other posters' questions?

But if this is for real:

You should have set an alarm. You're a grown-up.

She should have woken you, or got herself ready at the same time as keeping an eye on a two-year-old. I don't think that's impossible. And she should not sulk about it. She's a grown-up.

YouOldSlag · 05/08/2012 17:07

*Or you could have had a lie in together.....

Can someone remind me what is the point of marriage if it means arguing & hassle all the time??
I must find a nicely chilled out boyfriend!!*

They have a 2yo. Tricky to have a lie in with a two year old.

KellyElly · 05/08/2012 18:46

Depends if she is constantly having to wake you up like a teenager then I can see her point. My ex was incabable of getting himself up and it got to the point where I felt like I had a teenager in the house and it really pissed me off. Set an alarm. Not hard really?!

flippinada · 05/08/2012 19:03

I didn't get it from anywhere Allyours, I'm just speculating that it may be one reason why she didn't wasn't to wake him up.

Since lots of people are speculating that OP's wife is immature, sulky and childish I think that's fair do's.

I reckon schoolworries had it about right tbh.

flippinada · 05/08/2012 19:04

Wasn't = want. Bloody phone!