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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell SIL to live somewhere else

52 replies

adeucalione · 04/08/2012 16:26

Im certain IABU but need some perspective.

Six months ago SIL and her family gave us a weeks notice that they were coming to stay with us (they lived abroad). When they arrived they announced that they were coming back to the UK, that BIL had a job about an hour away and that they had already rented a house in our village. Two weeks later they moved in.

I don't know why they thought it would be a nice surprise because DH and SIL don't get on at all, and she has been very critical of me in the past - mainly parenting issues, although she is better since she had her own DD.

About 10 years ago we all lived in the same town and there was always a lot of tension - she is quite bossy, likes her own way, won't take no for an answer etc.

Anyway - I know that I can't dictate where they live or work but I HATE that they are here. I can't get used to bumping into them everywhere, or the fact that we now have mutual friends, or the fact that they drop in unannounced all the time, or the constant requests for babysitting (including whole weekends), or that they want their visitors to stay at our house because we have more space, or the fact that she is already planning what we will all be doing at Christmas.

There's nothing I can do. I have to learn to love this don't I?

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 04/08/2012 16:27

Well you don't have to learn to love it, but you do have to learn to say no!

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2012 16:29

Is your SIL under the impression that you are all friends? If your husband and she don't get on and she's been critical of you, why on earth did she move nearby?

Does she try to take your friends?

lisad123 · 04/08/2012 16:29

No is a full sentence. That is all

CaptainHetty · 04/08/2012 16:30

You obviously already realise you can't tell them where to live, however what you don't have to accept is their visitors, their children if you don't want them over, them dropping in unannounced, or them planning your holiday season for you. That'd annoy the absolute fuck out of me, personally, and you certainly don't have to learn to love it.

GemmaPomPom · 04/08/2012 16:30

...or the fact that they drop in unannounced all the time, or the constant requests for babysitting (including whole weekends), or that they want their visitors to stay at our house because we have more space, or the fact that she is already planning what we will all be doing at Christmas.

That would drive me absolutely potty! You need to put your foot down about a few things. Can't you just keep them at arms length? Tell them not to drop in unannounced, refuse to babysit and absolutely refuse to have their visitors come to stay. And go away somewhere nice for Christmas!

This is all a massive intrusion and you do not have to "learn to love this" at all.

ChaoticismyLife · 04/08/2012 16:31

Grow a backbone and say no.

AgentZigzag · 04/08/2012 16:32

Having gone through something similar, although it was only a threat in the end, I know exactly how you feel.

You might not have any right to dictate where they live, but that doesn't mean you can't find it intrusive and oppressive.

Draw some strict boundaries of what you're comfortable with.

No need to say them out loud, but let them be known in the decisions you make/what you say. Like saying no when you don't want to babysit, or saying it's not convenient for them to drop in unannounced.

You're half of the interaction, it's OK to please yourself.

Mayisout · 04/08/2012 16:33

I hate babysitting and would just say no you don't like doing it you are being a wooss

Serendipity30 · 04/08/2012 16:34

Oh dear. i'm afraid there's nothing you can do OP, but grin and put up with it. You are going to have to be very very busy to put up with it.

WithoutCaution · 04/08/2012 16:34

Sorry we don't have the space/time/all ready have friends staying so can't have your friends stay with us

We already have plans at the weekend so can't babysit

The randomly dropping in would irritate me. Is there any way you could minimise the time they are at your house?

janey68 · 04/08/2012 16:37

I would be tempted to move myself Smile
Obviously you can't dictate where they live, but you can certainly minimise contact, be very busy with work and your own social life etc

Mayisout · 04/08/2012 16:37

Really, you need DH to tell her that as a family you like to keep to yourselves and no, you are not spending Xmas with them. Hinting is not going to work and it is unfair that YOU should be the one to fix this problem.

Original poster
adeucalione · 04/08/2012 16:47

I definitely agree that I need to grow a backbone and say no.

However, a lot of the little white lies that you might tell to avoid confrontation - that we're busy, already have friends staying etc - won't work because they are literally within spitting distance of our house.

So we find ourselves going out when we hadn't planned to, and are thinking of going away for Christmas when we wouldn't normally do that, and I just feel a bit under siege!

DH is quite happy to say no and hang the consequences, but I am a pushover because I hate the thought that she is telling her version of events to DH's family, and now my own neighbours and friends. I say yes to everything so that I am beyond reproach iyswim, but it's getting a bit wearing.

OP posts:
Original poster
adeucalione · 04/08/2012 16:50

Imperialblether - no idea why she moved here, we have definitely never been friends, and yes she does seem to be particularly targeting my friends but maybe that's paranoia Grin

OP posts:
ChaoticismyLife · 04/08/2012 16:54

Then let your DH say no. People will make up their own minds as to why her own brother is saying no, if she says anything.

AgentZigzag · 04/08/2012 16:55

If she's going to give a heavily biased version of events to anyone who'll listen (and who will know/learn she's like that so won't engage because it'll be them next) why not just do what you feel comfortable with?

You're never going to do enough to please her or gain her approval, so don't bother.

If you're calm, polite and reasonable, you'll know any unreasonableness is completely down to her.

AgentZigzag · 04/08/2012 16:56

yy to chaotics plan to palm it off onto your DH Grin

May as well make use of his thick skin.

McHappyPants2012 · 04/08/2012 17:00

Your friends and neighbours should know you well enough to listen to SIL events. If friends belives her then it would make me question friendships.

Just say NO

DontmindifIdo · 04/08/2012 17:00

Just say no a lot - you can say "I don't want to" if you want. I think you need to get your DH to put some boundaries in.

Also for Christmas, decide eary what you want to do, then inform her. If you want to have just your family unit, or your parents, then that's fine and it's tough if she wants something more.

pictish · 04/08/2012 17:01

I agree with handing this one over to your dh. Have him talk to her, while you smile politely from the sidelines.

It sounds awful OP - I would be gnashing my teeth in your shoes.

NarkedRaspberry · 04/08/2012 17:02

Boundaries.

You can't tell her to move - unfortunately Grin - but 'the constant requests for babysitting (including whole weekends), or that they want their visitors to stay at our house because we have more space' are out of line and need to be stamped on (politely) ASAP. Otherwise they'll become the norm.

Work out what you're happy with and stick to it. And discuss how you're goinmg to handle it with your DH in advance - if she 'just stops by' or tries to drop the DCs off for the evening uninvited.

Once you've got boundaries established it could be a positive thing having them nearby.

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 04/08/2012 17:02

You don't have to lie to her OP; just say 'no it won't work for me' or 'no I won't be able to babysit for you this weekend' or even 'no I don't want to do that this week'.

Why should you have to think of excuses? She sounds a spoilt brat

NarkedRaspberry · 04/08/2012 17:04

And if your DH is happy to just say no, let him! It's his sister. Get caller ID and let him talk to her so she can't ask you! That way he can be the one she moans about to the neighbours.

pictish · 04/08/2012 17:05

Totally Raspberry!!

That's what I would do. No question.

besmirchedandbewildered · 04/08/2012 17:08

If you're uncomfortable with a straight "no", you need the Phoebe no - "I would, but I don't want to", delivered with a slight head-cock and a vaguely sad face.

The whole thing sounds v annoying, it would drive me mad, but you need to plough your own furrow, and say yes when it suits you and no when it doesn't. And if the babysitting etc is all getting a bit one-sided, you need to get DH to tell her.