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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell SIL to live somewhere else

52 replies

adeucalione · 04/08/2012 16:26

Im certain IABU but need some perspective.

Six months ago SIL and her family gave us a weeks notice that they were coming to stay with us (they lived abroad). When they arrived they announced that they were coming back to the UK, that BIL had a job about an hour away and that they had already rented a house in our village. Two weeks later they moved in.

I don't know why they thought it would be a nice surprise because DH and SIL don't get on at all, and she has been very critical of me in the past - mainly parenting issues, although she is better since she had her own DD.

About 10 years ago we all lived in the same town and there was always a lot of tension - she is quite bossy, likes her own way, won't take no for an answer etc.

Anyway - I know that I can't dictate where they live or work but I HATE that they are here. I can't get used to bumping into them everywhere, or the fact that we now have mutual friends, or the fact that they drop in unannounced all the time, or the constant requests for babysitting (including whole weekends), or that they want their visitors to stay at our house because we have more space, or the fact that she is already planning what we will all be doing at Christmas.

There's nothing I can do. I have to learn to love this don't I?

OP posts:
quoteunquote · 04/08/2012 17:08

They have moved next to you for the babysitting, just make sure if you have their child, they do the same for you every time, even if you don't need it.

Adversecamber · 04/08/2012 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 04/08/2012 17:16

Just in case OP misses the posts pertaining to...

CALLER ID...YOU NEED IT!

WithoutCaution · 04/08/2012 17:30

Saying you're busy isn't a lie though - You could be having family time/ time to your self/ cleaning/ reading etc

gemma4d · 04/08/2012 17:43

Maybe practice vague answers: instead of "we will be out" when you won't be, how about "Oh sorry, can't do then", or "maybe another time?". You can't get caught lying then, as you aren't lying!

VolAuVent · 04/08/2012 17:51

Just sounds like different personalities to me. She sounds extrovert, sociable, rather forward, blunt, spontaneous, whereas perhaps you're more reserved, prefer to plan, prefer sounding-out to bluntness. It sounds like she enjoys your company and probably has no idea she's annoying you. I think you should be more assertive with her as others suggest. If you say no to something you won't offend someone so easy-going, it will be water off a duck's back.

ThePigOnTheWall · 04/08/2012 17:53

While I can understand it is grating, I'm afraid nobody has the right to tell anyone where they can or cannot live

Babyrabbits · 04/08/2012 18:24

Say no,
we would like you to call before turning up.
no sorry not convenient. ( at the door)
we don't really like house guests( not a b&b!!)
we like our own space.

Draw the line now and it will be easier going forward.

All the obove stopped my sil thinking she could pop round every day unannounced.

Original poster
adeucalione · 04/08/2012 18:27

Pig - I agree, that's why I said it in the OP.

VolAuVent - I think you are right that we have different personalities, and that I need to be more assertive, but I definitely wouldn't describe her as easygoing, she can sulk for England if we don't fall into line.

So...I need Caller ID, a list of vague excuses, DH on hand for when I'm too scaredy and an actual backbone.

Thanks everyone - good ideas, and it's cheered me up to know that others would find it irritating too!

OP posts:
ThePigOnTheWall · 04/08/2012 19:01

Blimey what a bunch of utter delights you all sound Hmm

WithoutCaution · 04/08/2012 19:09

Not sure what you're getting at Pig Do you think that the OP should just accept that they should have SILs friends stay with them, babysit a lot and have to put up with excessive visits?

claudedebussy · 04/08/2012 19:15

you HAVE to make this work for you.

and i'm afraid that does mean risking people wondering what's up. but i bet you they WON't be wondering anything, they'll just be relieved that she's aiming her guns at someone other than them.

really, you need to stop worrying about what people think of you and stay true to you and your family. they come first, not her.

don't go out. just say, 'no, that doesn't appeal to be honest.' and she can ask why til she's blue in the face but if you're truthful

a) she'll respect you for it
b) she'll learn what your boundaries are.

so in that case you've achieved your aim. if she can't hack it she'll stay away and you'll have achieved your aim either way.

your friends will still be your friends.

ThePigOnTheWall · 04/08/2012 19:18

No, I meant I was surprised to read a thread about how to aggressively avoid social contact from your family withoutcaution

AgentZigzag · 04/08/2012 19:18

You sound a delight yourself Pig, with your 'wee humphy' face Hmm

ivykaty44 · 04/08/2012 19:19

"We have plans so will not be able to xxxxwhatever"
"We will not be free that weekend as we are doing xxxwhatever"

get a very busy social life and invite your own friends for dinner arrange nights out with people she doesn't know and join clubs and got to college etc and then she will get used to you not being around and available whilst you have a great time and a good social life.

Christmas Oh we are going away dh is booking a surprise - which means he can keep it secret Wink

then change your minds on 23 December and stay home Wink

AgentZigzag · 04/08/2012 19:20

No need to be aggressive about avoiding social contact with your family Pig, I manage it very well just by doing/saying nothing to them.

Hesterton · 04/08/2012 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThePigOnTheWall · 04/08/2012 19:35

Hmm is pretty much my permanent facial expression zigzag Hmm

SugarPasteGiraffe · 04/08/2012 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NarkedRaspberry · 04/08/2012 19:43

'constant requests for babysitting (including whole weekends), or that they want their visitors to stay at our house because we have more space'

How could anyone want to avoid that?

hattifattner · 04/08/2012 19:44

"can you babysit..."

"I think we have plans....I shall ask my DH"

"Can our friends stay?"

"I dont think thats going to work - I shall ask my DH"

"We shall come to you at Christmas"

" I think we have other plans. I shall ask DH"

Make him the bad guy. you dont owe them anything, especially not freebie babysitting and B&B

NarkedRaspberry · 04/08/2012 19:45

Oh, with the added bonus that 'she can sulk for England if we don't fall into line.'

AgentZigzag · 04/08/2012 19:53

Grin Pig, don't go changing Wink

Original poster
adeucalione · 04/08/2012 19:54

Pig - I love making social arrangements with friends and family, but I am struggling with the complete and utter daily invasion, plans being made on my behalf etc, particularly when it was all foisted on us with very little notice a few months ago. It hasn't evolved over time, our lives have been transformed quite suddenly. She isn't 'sociable and outgoing', she is bossy, demanding and sulky.

OP posts:
50shadesofslapntickle · 04/08/2012 19:59

For goodness sake just bloody well say NO woman! If she is like you say she is others will have picked up on her traits so don't worry about what she says to anyone else. Anyway what can she say? That she is a domineering bully who wants her own way?

And she IS a bully so you need to stand up to her. YOU have full control but you CHOOSE to let het control you so STOP!