Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is my mother - paying for the wedding

152 replies

Ambivalence · 03/08/2012 14:02

I know I am about to be flamed here.

Just had a nerve wracking telephone call from my mum. She and my late father were both born in india, and although I am a british born asian, she has very traditional ideas about culture and religion.

I am one of 4 daughters (also have a younger brother), and the first one to be getting married. She has been saving for our weddings since we were born as in indian tradition ( hindu punjabi), the brides parents bear the bulk of the wedding costs.

My fiance is dutch. He has one brother and his brother and my future SIL paid for their own wedding, as is normal in holland, the parents don't contribute anything.

I go to holland with him fairly regularly, to see his family, have known them for years. The parents are divorced, and the father has died ( his new wife got everything, so DF had no inheritance from his Dad).

My mother is now saying that she thinks it is unfair that DF's family are getting away with a "free" wedding, and haven't enquired into our customs or whether anything is expected from them. In most british asian weddings nowadays the couples parents both contribute, and I have seen this with my british asian friends.

She is going to holland in september to meet DF's mum, brother, SIL and their 3 for the first time. She is now saying that she is going to speak to his mum and ask her what she expects to contribute.

I am dreading the whole thing. Actually DF's mum is well off and could afford to help out, but it wouldn't occur to her. They are also under the impression my parents must be minted as they privately educated their kids ( unheard of in holland).

This is just going to be awful. DF just doesn't "get" where my mum is coming from, doesn't understand the cultural importance and obligations for my mum of doing a big wedding, and thinks she is being ridiculous.

Has anyone else negotiated this situation?

To not drip feed, although DF is lovely, and my family all love him, he is not at all financially astute - at 46, he has a grand total of about £2K in savings, no other assets. I was brought up to be a saver, got a mortagge when I was 25 and now have a lot of equity. DF gave up a £40K job in holland to move to be with me and now is earning a pittance ( although he is going for interviews, and I am feeling confident that he will get a £30K job soon). I will always out earn him. So far he is only contributing his half of the bills (£300/ month) and food etc. he says h won't contribute to the mortageg as that is just helping me with my equity - which annoys me as he is happy to live here, rent free ( it is a v nice central london flat!).

i don't have a lot saved up, as all goes in the mortage, service charges, roof repairs etc.

Would it be unreasonable after he gets a new job to make him pay "rent" and use that money as a contribution towards his part of the wedding stuff?

i really don't know what to do, i have tried talkign to him, but he just doesn't seem to want to listen, and I am trying to keep DF and my mum both happy.

Has anyone else been in this situation ?

OP posts:
showtunesgirl · 04/08/2012 11:21

OP, you really need to be on the same page when it comes to things like finances. Otherwise you're going to end up mothering him as opposed to having a partner.

forehead · 04/08/2012 14:55

Op, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but i totally agree with posters who say that you are making a mistake in marrying this man. You probably think that things will get better once you are married, but i guarantee that they will get much worse , particularly when you have children. I have seen this happen to so many of my friends and they are now either divorced or separated. I know that you will probably go ahead with the wedding and i wish you the best of luck. You are going to need it.

mamababa · 04/08/2012 15:03

Can I just say that he is NOT entitled to 50% of the house etc as soon as they get married. Within the early years you are expected to show your contribution. I would worry about going into a relationship with a 46 year old man with really nothing to his name.

As for your mum, if she wants to contribute great but as for asking your fiancé's parents well that's rude.

Original poster
Ambivalence · 04/08/2012 15:16

I know there is a risk of divorce, but he is really adoring and loving.His parents are divorced and i don't think he'd want to out his own children through that.I do trust him, he stood by me when iwas diagnosed bipolar and hospitalized - we'd only been. together a year then, he is very loyal

OP posts:
merrymouse · 04/08/2012 15:41

I am not really sure why you are marrying him.

I think you need to investigate the legal implications of marriage, because it doesn't seem as though either of you are that enthusiastic about being part of a legal/financial unit.

What do you think you would get from marriage as opposed to just having a relationship?

what he spends is his affair

Not if you are married, and not if you are both responsible for your children.

Adversecamber · 04/08/2012 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

showtunesgirl · 04/08/2012 20:33

OP now I'm confused. Would you really want to stay with him if things got bad and you have children, "just because of the children"?

And having divorced parents does not mean that you are less likely to be divorced yourself. It really doesn't have any bearing from what I've seen.

And if he was so loyal, why did you two split up in the first place? Confused

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2012 20:42

They split up, showtunesgirl, because the OP dumped him as he was so bad with money.

showtunesgirl · 04/08/2012 20:49

Oh yes, I remember now. But that hasn't changed though has it?

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2012 20:55

No. He's just the same. That's why I thought she shouldn't marry him.

LeandarBear · 04/08/2012 22:02

I just read your other thread on your DF drinking, you said in that thread (which was written just a few weeks ago) that you originally split up with your DF because of his drinking and that you have only been living together since March and that you acknowledge that his drinking and smoking bothers you.
I really, really think you should sow down with your plans to marry and just see how you get on together for another year or so. Maybe you feel pressurized to get married by your family, I don't know, but it does seem that there are too many things that you are not happy about. Wouldn't it be so much more enjoyable to plan a wedding with someone with whom you have no doubts whatsoever. If you wait awhile then you will know one way or another if your DF is the one or not.

I hope everything works out for you.

iscream · 05/08/2012 00:40

I'd only marry him with a pre- nuptial agreement separating your fiances, with an arrangement for any future children you have together. That is what my mother and step-father did and it worked out fine when they divorced.

Part of their agreement was if he died before her, then she could continue to live in, or rent out his home until she died, but upon her death or re marriage, it went to his children. She couldn't sell it or leave it to her children.

She had her own money from selling her house prior to marrying him, he still has his house to leave to his own children some day.

As far as the parents paying for the wedding, if this is going to cause problems, have a small wedding, and pay for it yourselves.

ViviPru · 05/08/2012 10:11

I too have just read the other thread and agree with Leandar. The issues you're working though individually and together do not strike me as the best foundation for marriage. I'm not saying you ought to split, but perhaps wait until your relationship, co-financial situation, and all of the other issues you describe in this and that thread are on a more even keel.

I'm similar to you OP in that I'm the sole major breadwinner at the moment, but also keen to start a family. While I don't think it's imperative, it's my preference to be married before having children too, so I understand where you're coming from, particularly since I'm in my mid-30's and also feel sense the urgency you're clearly experiencing.

But going on everything you've said in these threads, I think it would be damaging to forge ahead with marriage plans until you've found a more settled state with your meds/condition/his drinking/his attitude to money/your Mum etc etc.

You sound really nice, OP. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself and give yourself some time to work through it all.

Original poster
Ambivalence · 05/08/2012 11:11

Thanks for all the responses and advice, the wedding is booked for April so it gives me some time but i think i need to slow things down a bit, and also.put less demands on him he( i can be really hard work!

It isn't that i am desperate to start a family though, it is that he is the live of my life and the years we were apart i really missed him. I love spending time with him

OP posts:
showtunesgirl · 05/08/2012 11:25

OP, if I were you, I would still put the wedding on hold. Putting a deadline on such massive relationship issues isn't going to make it easier to resolve matters. Rather, it will put stress on the situation that things have to be resolved quickly rather than for the best.

And I'm sorry if I sound like a pessimist but love, though important, doesn't conquer all. Yes, it helps when trying to accept someones else's flaws but such different viewpoints on matters like money, which is the number one cause of arguments, need to be discussed and agreed upon to make a relationship work.

Adversecamber · 05/08/2012 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeandarBear · 05/08/2012 11:36

I still think the pressure of an upcoming marriage is too much. You don't need to cancel it, but I would not set a date just yet.

I suspect your wedding will take on a life of its own which will add so much unnecessary pressure to your relationship. You need to think what is actually the most important thing to you both. A fancy wedding is great but what matters is your long term happiness and stability.

I would put off the wedding until at least 2014, then when you marry you can do so confidently. If you are worried about telling people you have put off the wedding then that that would make me think the THE WEDDING is the most important thing to you than your DF.
Maybe you could consider seeing marriage guidance, in the meantime. Your history with this guy is unusual and there is no reason why it can't work but you both sound like you are a bit immature in how you relate to one another. You have only lived together a few months, you need to SLOW DOWN and get to know each other properly.

foreverondiet · 05/08/2012 11:44

Things are different in different cultures - in mine brides parents pay for most things, groom's parents pay for very little, and so yes do get "free wedding".

Aside from all the other concerns others have raised, I think you just say to your mum that in his culture its not usual for groom's family to pay, so you'll be totally mortified if she asks. If she then says she doesn't want to pay, then say that's fine you'll pay for your own wedding.

If she insists then you say to your Df's mum that you don't expect her to contribute BUT in your culture that would be normal and you are apologizing for your mother asking etc in advance but she has no obligation etc to pay for anything. etc

pigletmania · 05/08/2012 11:45

Really your df sounds like a spendthrift, having no money despite a good job and frittering it away, your parents see that and quite rightly do not want to contribute. It seems like he is a bit of a freeloader who wants to live with you without contributing, and i would have serious issues with thatj. Not contributing to your equity Hmm, whatever happened to contributing for the greater good of the partnership. I would not be getting married while these big issues still stand, if anything happens you could loose half of the house, i would get legal issues sorted first

pigletmania · 05/08/2012 11:47

Is he contributing to the wedding, or is it just you Hmm. i would be putting things on hold you cannot get married with big issues being unresolved

pigletmania · 05/08/2012 12:01

i also think that your mum is being a bit hmm about paying as he is from a different culture to you, so does not see why she has to contribute. by the way olympic talks a lot of sense

Original poster
Ambivalence · 05/08/2012 12:34

It was originally going to be us paying ( half each) for the wedding, my mother has now offered to pay for the whole thing, so i think if she wants a contribution it should be from us not his mother. I have saved £2K so far - the idea easy we were to contribute £5k each. Once he has a better job he will be better placed so to save, he has been saving £100 a month since he started work here in April, once he gets a job in his field, i'd like that to increase a lot as id like to buy a joint home.

Re me being hard work - no, he never says that, he is very understanding when u get stressed - no that is from my gp, various therapists i've seen, a relate counsellor ee went to buy( when he moved in this march i wanted to establish new ground rules for our relationship),

OP posts:
Original poster
Ambivalence · 05/08/2012 12:36

Went to see counsellor - not buy- sorry, i am on my phone

OP posts:
showtunesgirl · 05/08/2012 13:19

Can you expand a bit on what you mean by "hard work"? It seems to me at the moment that because you're "hard work", you should expect less from him?

Original poster
Ambivalence · 05/08/2012 13:54

No that, i don't think i should expect less from him because i am hard work, i am just acknowledging that i am not the easiest person to be with, as i ca have mood swings, be insecure, quite emotionally demanding etc

OP posts: