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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just disassociate from DH and concentrate on me and the DCs?

62 replies

MrsPenrysJones · 02/08/2012 23:19

After spending 10 years feeling like not even second best but maybe 5th best, I have decided to just live my life how I want, doing my own thing, making sure DCs are happy and just completely ignoring DH's needs, wants, wishes etc, as he has ignored ours.
AIBU?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 02/08/2012 23:20

YABU if you are still living with him. Why not just split up.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 02/08/2012 23:21

Leave the bastard.

WorraLiberty · 02/08/2012 23:23

Why would you waste your life like that?

It doesn't seem like a great example of a marriage to set the children either.

Original poster
MrsPenrysJones · 02/08/2012 23:24

Blimey, that didn't take long Alliwant.
Can't afford to leave him I'm afraid, so have decided to make a life for myself and DCs and just try to ignore the arsehole taking up the same space as us.

OP posts:
Portofino · 02/08/2012 23:27

Alliwant is sadly right though. Why would you do this?

WorraLiberty · 02/08/2012 23:28

Why can't you afford to leave him?

You can claim benefits you know...until you get yourself straight.

I think from the small amount of info you've posted, it's just a matter of time before the marriage ends anyway...so why drag it out for years?

And what sort of an atmosphere is that to inflict on your children?

clemetteattlee · 02/08/2012 23:41

I think completely ignoring one member of the household will not make the children happy. And it doesn't teach them much about conflict management for the future.
I'm sorry you are in this situation but this doesn't seem like a feasible solution...

Kayano · 03/08/2012 00:26

Because that sounds so much better than being a bit skint for a while

You should leave IMO

Imagine the atmosphere for your poor children

lovebunny · 03/08/2012 08:28

why not be more subtle? on the surface, do the basics to keep life running smoothly. underneath, don't give a fuck and start planning your escape.

pictish · 03/08/2012 08:31

Yabu.

You should not settle for making do with someone who who doesn't treat you well.
It won't be good for your kids. They learn about relationships from you.

Plan B?

jamama · 03/08/2012 08:42

yabu. My BFF's parents have been engaged in a passive-aggressive battle of this sort for as long as I've known them (getting on for 20yrs), neither of them will leave for fear of having let the other win. Their kids are in their 30s and both struggle with commitment, whilst I love my bff dearly I wouldn't wish her situation on anyone.

Wearsuncream · 03/08/2012 08:42

My parents did this to each other -and it was HORRENDOUS - hugely damaging to everyones mental health - my sister developed anorexia and self harming behaviours as a direct result.
Either leave while you're still young enough to start afresh or sort it out with him.

Dprince · 03/08/2012 08:48

Sounds like a very toxic and damaging environment for all involved, especially for the kids.
There is a good chance the kids will grow up and resent you both. Your H sounds a bit of a dick. But by acting the same, you will be one.
Putting your kids first (which he doesn't) won't make much of a difference when living in such a bad atmosphere.

Bonsoir · 03/08/2012 08:50

Have you actually talked to your H about this?

catus · 03/08/2012 08:55

I'm sorry but YABU. Your DCs learn from you how marriage works. Is this what you want to teach them?

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 03/08/2012 08:57

That sounds awful for your children.

Please just leave, there will be a way.

JumpingThroughHoops · 03/08/2012 08:59

Terminate the relationship. For very different reasons than others have posted. get some self respect back and make your own way in life.

How can you even think about wasting years of your life, and his in a void? Move on.

juneau · 03/08/2012 09:02

If you split up and he's the breadwinner he would need to provide a home for you and the DC to live in.

You would be able to claim certain benefits.

Living separate lives under the same roof sounds miserable for everyone. Breaking up is very daunting, but if it's that bad do you really not want to have a happier life?

nankypeevy · 03/08/2012 09:02

Lone voice - ehm, yes.

Depends on why he is ignoring your needs and wishes.

Is he spiteful and selfish, or preoccupied and selfish?

thedevilisinthedetail · 03/08/2012 09:05

This is exactly how I feel in my marriage, can not afford to leave but live with this man who despite the fact that we have two children still behaves like he is young, free and single. Try to be polite but always happiest when it is our like group of three. Don't want to damage children as I'm sure OP doesn't but don't know what else to do. We also sleep in separate rooms.

How old are your children OP?

MorrisZapp · 03/08/2012 09:07

Don't do it. My bro and his ex had years of this before they finally grew the balls to split up. It was awful for everybody.

Not saying they are like you, but its just an example. The real reason they refused to split for so long (imo) is that they resented each other so much, they were terrified of letting each other have a chance of happiness.

Thank god they finally did see the light. Don't waste precious years like they did. You'll get loads of support here if you choose to make the break.

Original poster
MrsPenrysJones · 03/08/2012 09:25

There seems to be a misconception here that I am staying with him because I refuse to let him win in some way, or I can't bear the idea of seeing him happy with someone else.
Completely wrong I'm afraid as I'm not that competitive or vindictive.
Yes I have talked about this with him so many many times. But he sees no problem as HE is happy....then of course he he. As the devilsinthedetail states, DH married but acting like free and single, so of course he's bloody happy, who wouldn't be, best of both worlds.
I have looked into leaving but I have no income of my own so cannot get deposit for rent and have no references to offer prospective landlord.
Don't get me wrong, I am civil, but THAT is all, but only for benefit of DCs; would prefer to just blank him but not in front of them.
Whether this is seen is unreasonable, I don't know, but it's the only way I can keep going atm.

OP posts:
HowamIgoingtogetoutofthis · 03/08/2012 09:26

I did this. We lived totally separate lives. It was a great coping strategy for dealing with the neglect fr 12 months actually. I left for other issues in the end, but it was soul destroying, the lack of care that my supposed spouse had for me. No acknowledgement of my birthday or any other occasion, saw him at most for 30 mins a day. Went out 6 times as a family unit in 3 years.

Am happy I did leave, on balance.

HowamIgoingtogetoutofthis · 03/08/2012 09:29

Ps, the money thing, start squirrelling away, I know it's hard. Put yourself on council list. Every little penny you save makes you feel like you are doing something, no matter how small to regain control over your life.

If you have family tell them. I was so humiliated to tell my parents. But when I finally did I was very lucky in that they sorted out practically everything.

pictish · 03/08/2012 09:30

Poor you.

You need to lay plans to leave, or get rid of him....sooner or later.

I'm sorry you are married to such and arse. It's not your lot in life though. Make plans. x

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